Adventures In Randomness With Zelda And Co
by DeadeyeDave
Summary: After months of development, the thrilling, chilling, vanilling conclusion of the Zelda Murder Mystery Dinner Party is in the HIZZZZZZZZZZouse! It'll BLOW YOUR MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!
1. Part One: The Humble Beginnings

Yes.IT HAS RETURNED! TO HAUNT YOUR DREAMS AND RETARD YOUR SLEEP FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!  
  
Part one, lovingly crafted by DeadeyeDave.  
  
***  
  
Part one: DeadeyeDave invades the fic and alliterates  
  
***  
  
Everyone was sitting around the house. They all were bored, so...  
  
Skull Kid: HEY EVERYONE! I KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO! WE CAN SCULPT A MODEL OF HYRULE CASTLE MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF POTATOES!  
  
Link: Sheesh! What's wrong with Misty D today?  
  
Zelda: This is the most _random_ chapter yet! Even Misty's not _this_ random! I mean, come on, potatoes?  
  
Ominous Male Voice: That's right, M. D.'s out of commission today! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Malon: Where are you? Show yourself!  
  
OMV: Uhhh, sorry, I'll have to get back to you on that...I haven't inserted myself yet. Self insertion, ACTIVATE! ::Computer screen glows::  
  
Everyone: IEEEEEE!  
  
OMV: Ha ha ha! Now behold your worst nightmare!  
  
Darunia: Who are you?  
  
OMV: Geez, are you people hearing impaired or something? I'm your worst nightmare! I just said that!  
  
Rauru: No, he means, 'what's your name.'  
  
OMV: Ooooooooooh...why didn't he say so! I am........::there is a puff of smoke:: DEADEYEDAVE! ::DeadeyeDave walks in through door::  
  
Mido: Wait, what was with the smoke?  
  
::DeadeyeDave shruggs::  
  
Ruto: Hey! Look at my new smoke grenade!  
  
Everyone else: ::rolls eyes, slaps forehead::  
  
DeadeyeDave: And now, you digital disasters of degenerative detestableness, I...  
  
~*Misty Dawn*~: Wait! Who are you? And what are you doing in my fic?  
  
DeadeyeDave: I've said it before and I'll say it again...I'M YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!  
  
::M. D. rolls eyes::  
  
DeadeyeDave: Ooooh, another trick question! I'm DeadeyeDave.  
  
~*Misty Dawn*~: Listen, I don't care anymore! Just get out of my fic!  
  
DeadeyeDave: Ohh, that's where you're wrong! IT'S MY FIC NOW!  
  
~*Misty Dawn*~: You mean...  
  
DeadeyeDave: YES! It came to me in a dream...Custardbiscutlampreyferretbelchmonger, God of Randomness, told me, "DeadeyeDave! Liqufy your bicuspids! Peach bathtub buffalo mint stub! Pasta putty extention rewind of gyrating importance! Seagulls explode with favoritism, and the fling orbit moon gas energizes the zygomorphic helions of the antisocial pant squirrels!" And so, the gods have spoken! The fic is mine!  
  
~*Misty Dawn*~: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You've got to let me stay! I've got nowhere else to go!  
  
DeadeyeDave: All right, you can stay...as long as you don't eat too much.  
  
::~*Misty Dawn*~ scurries over into a corner, mumbling gibberish. The Zelda characters stare blankly::  
  
DeadeyeDave: Now, you pucelanimous piles of pathetic peripatetic preposterously puny pukes! Time for some randomness!  
  
Link: You've already been random for the entire chapter. And now it's over! You've got to do that ending thing!  
  
DeadeyeDave:Ohhh, yeah...  
  
Well, you raucously rudimentary rigorous roster of readers of ridiculously random randomness! *Ahem* WHAT are the repercussions of DeadeyeDave's takeover? WHY has he come here? WHAT will he have the characters do? WILL the Skull Kid ever get his potato castle model? WHY DO I SPEAK IN CAPITALS ALL THE TIME? WHY? WHY?!?!?!?!? Find out the other stuff (the last one will never be explained) and more randomness next time! So long, suckers! 


	2. Part Two: Basketball?

Random Wars 

Chapter II 

By DeadeyeDave 

*** 

You thought you'd gotten rid of this fic, didja? Guess what...It's baaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack...But really folks, I take your comments seriously and have put up a new chapter (With a plot, free of charge,) for you to enjoy. Review with suggestions for more plots! 

*** 

(For the gazillionth time, we're all sittin around...) 

DeadeyeDave: So, you want a plot, eh? I got yer plot riiiiiiiiiiiiight here......heheheheheheheh... 

Zelda Characters: *Inch away slowly* 

DED: What? WHAT? You want your plot or not? 

Link: errrrmm...yes.... 

DED: 'K then! How about.......umm...uhhhhh..... 

(Hours later) 

DED: ...uuuuuuummmmmm... 

Ruto: Zzzzzzzzzzz... 

~*Misty Dawn*~: Have you THOUGHT of anything yet???? 

DED: Just gimmie a minute! *Ding!* (Lightbulb appears over his head) We'll play basketball! 

Saria: Joy! I love b-ball! 

Link: Great... 

Malon: At least it doesn't involve potato models of Hyrule Castle... 

Skull Kid: HEY YO! LOOK WHAT I GOT! 

MD: Uh oh... 

Skull kid: IT'S A MODEL OF HYRULE CASTLE MADE OUT OF A POTATO! 

Link: Oy! 

DED: Where'd you get it? 

Skull Kid: I PICKED IT UP AT A LITTLE PLACE THAT ALSO SELLS METEORITE SNOWGLOBES AND SUPERCHARGED ELECTROCHEESE! 

Everyone else: 0_o` 

DED Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight... let's play now, shall we? 

MD: Righto! 

DED: Now, what are the magic words for "Basketball Court?" 

MD: Dunno...(consults manual) Ah ha! Here! (Hands book to DED) 

DED: Thanks. Let's see......ABRA-KA-FRICKIN'-DABRA! ALAKAZA-FUZZMONKEY-ZAM! 

(Basketball court appears in Hyrule field) 

Malon: IEEEEEE! You crushed Lon Lon Ranch! 

DED: Will anyone miss it? 

Malon: I WOULD! 

DED: All right, all right, sheesh... 

(So we all go out for a ape-poopy game of basketball) 

Link: Time for the tip-off! 

DED: (Throws the ball up) 

Link: (Grabs ball) Oooh, smooth! 

Mido: Shut up and pass it! 

(Link passes it...MD intercepts) 

MD: YES! GO SAGE TEAM! 

DED: BOOOOOO! GO RANDOM TEAM! RAAAAAAAAAAAANDOOOOOOOOOOOM! 

(MD shoots) 

Darunia: BRICK! (He jumps for the rebound...and lands. Shockwaves emanate form the ground and everyone is floored) 

Link: AAAARRRRGGG! 

Rauru: I've fallen and I can't get up! 

Gannondorf: My BACK! Oh Goddesses, my BACK! I slipped a disc! 

(Meanwhile, Darunia hits an easy layup) 

DED: Dang! Gimmie that! (Takes ball) 

MD: Bring it! 

(DED hovers off the ground with the ball and floats towards the basket) 

MD: HEY! You're hovering! No fair! 

DED: It's not hovering (he says, floating in the air), It's called 'Hang time.' I learned it form Allen Iverson. It's only an iluuuuuuuuuuuusionnnnnnnn! An ILLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSIIIIOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!! 

(DED dunks and floats five feet off the ground in front of MD) 

MD: Right there! That's hovering! Come down here so I can kick your ass! 

DED: Just try! 

(MD flies up next to DED. THey both assume stupid poses and then start fighting in air Dragon Ball Z style while Zelda characters watch) 

DED: YA YA YA HIIIIYA! 

(MD Blocks the attack) 

Zelda characters: Ooooohhhhh...ahhhhhhhhhh... 

MD: INSANOSANO-HAAAAA!!! (Shoots ki blats at DED, which hits him and blood comes out of his mouth and junk) 

DED: (powers up) RYOSHOKIAN RANDOM MISSLE! (shoots ki blast which flies all over the place and zigzags up and down. MD can't follow it!) 

MD: (looking all over for it) Where the #$%& did it go? 

(Ki blast hits MD from behind and she flies through a bunch of rocks) 

MD: YOU SHALL PAY FOR THAT, KAKOROTT! 

DED: Huh? 

MD: I mean DeadeyeDave! 

DED: What is that? 

MD: It's the end of the chapter! And it's coming up fast! 

Naburoo: Tell us what the basketball score! 

DED: It was a tie! Now then: WAS that random enough for you? WHAT possested me and ~*Misty Dawn*~ to start battling DBZ style? 'CAUSE I SURE AS HELL DON'T KNOW! WOULD you like another heaping helping of randomness? Send in suggestions and keep your eyes peeled! 

~DED 


	3. Part Three: Board Game of Madness

Random Wars 

Part III 

By DeadeyeDave 

*** 

Part Three: The Zelda characters and the authors enjoy some rousing board games! 

*** 

(It's a rainy day in Hyrule ?! Everyone's sittin around, bored out of his/her skull…) 

Ruto: (Lying upside down) I'm BORED! 

Mido: No sh*t, genus! 

Zelda: (throwing a ball against the wall) What could we do? 

Link: (Hitting various objects with a hammer) There's nothing on t.v…. 

Impa: (Asleep) Zzzzzzzzzzz… 

Gannondorf (punching people): Dunno…what do you wanna do? 

DED: I dunno…whatta you wanna do? 

MD: I dunno, whatta YOU wanna do? 

Rauru: I dunno…whatta you wanna do? 

(This goes on for fifteen minutes) 

Naburoo: I'm so bored…that's IT! 

Everyone: What? 

Naburoo: We'll play some board games! 

Ruto: But I'm already bored! (rim shot) (no one laughs) C'mon, you heard the drums! Laugh! 

Mido: I wanna play Chutes and Ladders! 

Impa: NO! Let's play Candyland! 

Rauru: No, an intellectual game of chess! 

DED: Let's play my game! 

Everyone: WHAAAAAAAAT? 

Saria: YOU have a board game? 

DED: Sure! (Holds up a box with his picture on it that says "Randomo! That Wacky Random Game!" [copyright DeadeyeDave and Random House, 2001]) 

MD: Looks like we don't have much other options… 

DED: So, let's play! 

Zelda: How? 

DED: The rules are simple: you make them up as you go along! 

Everyone: 0_o 

DED: YA WANNA PLAY OR NOT? 

Everyone: (shrinks back) Y-y-y-yes… 

DED: Good! Roll to see who goes first! 

(Everyone rolls a die) 

Link: Goody! I go first! (Link takes green game piece, [they look like baseballs with a big screw in the top of them] duhhh…) (he rolls) Yes! Six! 

DED: Okay, that puts you on…a Random Action Chance Space! You get a Chance Card chosen at RANDOM! 

Link: (Takes card) Free "Randomizer" turn? 

DED: That's when you close your eyes and drop the piece on the board after being spun around! Then the space you were closest to is the one you move to! 

Link: uhhh…riiiiiiight… 

Malon: My turn, my turn! (rolls a 1) AWWWWW! Crap! 

Zelda: It appears you have landed on a "Random Smooch Space!" 

DED: My favorite! Here you must kiss a RANDOMly selected player of forfeit the game! 

Malon: Oh Goddesses! What'll he think of next? 

DED: C'mon, with the blindfold! 

(Malon gets blindfolded and walks around. She kisses Darunia on the lips…oy…) 

Darunia: I never knew you cared… 

Malon: Shut up! 

Darunia: Your eyes are like boulders… 

Malon: Shut UP! 

Darunia: …your lips like sweet sandstone… 

Malon: SHUT UP! 

Naburoo: Yes, let's play! 

Malon: I'll get you for this, DED! 

DED: Ohhhh! 

Impa: Ahem. My turn. (rolls a three) 

DED: You got a "Random Crossover" space. It should take affect riiiiiiiiiiiiiight about…….. 

(A bunch of characters from DBZ, Gundam Wing, Ramna ½, Banjo-Kazooie, Final Fantasy, etc. start pouring into Hyrule Castle) 

DED: …..now. 

MD: AAAAAA! Who are these people? 

DED: They're from other sections of FF.N! 

Gannondorf: I always believed in the multiple universes theory… 

(the crossover people vanish) 

Zelda: Oooooooookay…..on with my turn… (she rolls a four) 

DED: Ah ha! A Randare! 

Zelda: A WHAT? 

DED: A Randare! A random person dares you to do something, of you lose! 

Zelda: (sighs) Alright…what'll it be… 

DED: I know! You have to eat one of these game pieces! 

Zelda: No way! 

DED: All right… how 'bout… Lick the inside of Link's ear! 

Zelda: (thinking: All right!) Oh no… 

Link: Well…? (Smiles reeeeeeeally broadly) 

Zelda: You're creepin' me out now…as if you wern't before… 

Link: C'mon, where's the saliva? 

(Zelda licks Link's ear *gaack!*) 

Link: That felt really weird! 

Zelda: Hmmm…tasted like chicken… 

(Link hits his head from the other side and sticks his finger in his ear) 

Link: Oh my… HELP! I'M DEAF IN ONE EAR! ARRRRRGGH! 

DED: (Wipes tears of laughter from his eye) …ha ha ha…Well…on with the game… 

SOME HOURS LATER… 

Ruto: Ha! I am only one space away from the end! Yes! 

Link: Buuuuut…I use my Random Space Switcher and switch places with you! 

Ruto: Noooooooo! 

Malon: Ha! _I_ use my Rando-Space and send you back to start! 

Gannondorf: Wahahaha! I can destroy you both with my Rando-Destructo attack! (Gannondorf throws a disk into the air. It hits his own piece.) 

Ganondorf: Crap! 

Impa: I'm at the finish! JUMANJI!!!…I mean RANDOMO!!! 

DED: BUT! I use my Ultima Randomus Killer Finisher! 

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOO! 

DED: Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! (DED flings the board into the air and everything goes flying) 

Zelda: Who won? 

DED: No one. It ends in a draw. 

Everyone: AWWWWWWWWWWWWW! 

Ruto: It was fun though! 

Rauru: Hilarious! 

Naburoo: Excellent! 

Darunia: Tender and passionate… 

Malon, Link and Zelda: HIDEOULSY EMBARRASSING! 

MD: But most of all… 

DED and MD chorusing together: …RANDOM! 

Link: Hey! It stopped raining! 

(Everyone runs around in Hyrule Field while the song "Can't Buy Me Love" plays in the background) 

DED: Ahem…WHAT do y'all think of this story? DO you want more? THEN ya better review! THANK you! AM I taking this capitals thing a little too far…? 

Coming up next…The Song of Random Time!   
  


  



	4. Part Four: What was I THINKING?

Here's part five! Thank you for your support! 

***   
Part Five: A semicoherent collection of random events with shreds of plot here and there! 

*** 

(Sitting around again…when suddenly…) 

Zelda: Oh no! Not again! 

Mysterious voice: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's right, foolish humans! 

MD: Not now…please not _now_…. 

MV: I am the purple terror who pierces the night with my repetitive tune! I am the fiend who corrupts your brain with my annoying song! I AM….. 

Everyone: WINDMILL GUY! (lightning strikes) 

MD: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

WG: That's right! And now I have TWO evil henchmen to do my bidding! Say hello to FDL and my new assistant, Dark Link! 

FDL: Hey. 

DL: Hey. 

Link: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute………this new one looks JUST LIKE ME! 

DL: But wait…I look just like YOU! 

FDL: Stop! _I_ look just like you! 

Link: And _I_ look just like _you_! 

DL: But _you're_ the one who looks like me! 

FDL: But you can't look like him, _I_ look just like him! 

Link: (blinding insight) NO! You BOTH look like me! 

FDL: He's right! We look like him! 

Link: And I look like we! No, wait…I look just like us…no… 

DL: Wait…us look like he…no...we look like us…no… 

FDL: …We look like he…no…he look like we… 

Link: I look like I…no, us looks like me…AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGG! My peanut-sized brain can't handle the information! My tiny circuits are overloading! 

DL and FDL: WE TOO! IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! 

(DL and FDL's heads start spinning and then explode. Link lies on the ground clutching his head and flopping around) 

WG: Well, so much for those two…I'll just have to finish you off myself! 

DED: It looks as though his powers have increased… 

MD: There's only one option left… 

DED: AUTHOR FUSION! 

(MD and DED do the Fusion Dance [once again from Dragon Ball Z]) 

DED and MD: FUSION! HAAAAA! 

(flash of light) 

DED and MD speaking in unison: We are………~*DEADEYEDAWN*~! 

(Mists clear) 

~*DeadeyeDawn*~: We will destroy you! 

(WG and DED start fighting. Halfway through…) 

MD's voice: Heeeeeeeeeeey…When you abbreviate our names, it stays the same! 

DeadeyeDave's voice: Yeah, I noticed that… 

MD: Well, make it fair! 

DED: I can't! No matter how I do it, it will always come out to be one of our normal initials! Misty Dave, Misty Dead… 

MD: All right already, just keep fighting! 

DED: Right! 

~*DeadeyeDawn*~: (speaking as one again) Big Bang Attack! 

WG: Noooooooooooo! 

(big ki blast and it kills WG) 

Mr. Crash: (arriving for some reason) Hey you! 

~*DED*~ (It's fair now!): What? 

MC: I came here to tell you that Steve Savage says that author fusion is against the rules and you have to stop. 

Everyone: AWWWWWWWW! 

Mido: It was cool! 

Malon: But did anyone notice that WE hardly got any speaking lines? 

MC: Buuuuuuuuuuut…before you split… (MC fuses with ~*DED*~) 

(Flash of light) 

Their voices: We are… ~*MISTY-EYE CRASH!*~ 

DeadeyeDave's voice: Now I am the most random author in the universe! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Vegeta laugh) 

Steve Savage: Hey! Didn't you hear?! NO FUSION! 

~*M-E C*~: PAH-LEEEEEEEEEEZE? 

SS: No means no! 

Goku: Besides, you're on our turf! 

(Everyone unfuses) 

DED: Ehem. WAS that chapter title self-descriptive? DID you not like it? 'CAUSE you need to give me suggestions OR ya won't get many fics! Help me, Obi-Wan Reader, you're my only hope… 

~DED   



	5. Part Five: Thought ReadingEeeps!

Randomness Wars   
*** 

Disclaimer: Adlez nwo t'nod I. 

*** 

Part Six: Thought Reading! IEEEEE! 

***   
Mr. Crash thought of this. Thanks!   
*** 

(everyone's…guess what…sitting around, when DeadeyeDave rushes into the room) 

DED: Look at this! 

MD: What is that? 

DED: It's a thought-reader! 

Link: Oh no, not this again! 

DED: Oh yes! Hahahaha! 

MD: Oh boy! Let's test it! 

Mr. Crash: Hi! Me again! 

DED: Hi! Wanna try my thoughtleech? 

MC: Sure! (DED puts electrodes on MC's head) 

DED: (hits the switch and electricity flows through) 

SFX: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTZZZZZTTTTT 

MC: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!! 

DED: Oops… 

Zelda: Smooth… 

Ruto: Are you okay? (she touches MC) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGG!!!! 

(they both are fried and charred on the floor) 

Naburoo: In retrospect, Ruto _is_ kinda moist… 

DED: Let's turn it down a notch… 

MC: Ya'd better… 

(DED throws the switch, the screen flickers) 

Ruto: (crackles with electricity) Ow… 

DED: It's working! 

(The screen shows a concert hall) 

Saria: Hmmm… 

(A bunch of DBZ characters walk in and do one of his parodies) 

(then Gundam Wing people come and do a fic) 

Everyone: 0_o 

DED: I always suspected that was all on your mind… 

MD: Let's do you! 

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

(DED gets hooked up) 

(Screen shows a happy face, then…) 

Everyone: EWWWWW! 

(Screen shows Zelda characters doing random things) 

Link: What the…? 

(shows Goku being chased by a cloud of needles) 

Mido: Who is Goku? 

Rauru: And what's with the needles? 

MC: Don't ask… 

MD: Time for someone else… 

Link: Oooh! Me! Me! 

(DED hooks up Link) 

(Screen shows Zelda looking incredibly slutty) 

Link: Eheheheh… 

Zelda: (Hits him) 

DED: Hehehehehehehe… let's probe deeper, shall we? 

Link: NO! 

Everyone else: YES! 

MD: Yes! 

MC: Let's! 

(DED puts switch up higher) 

Link: No…don't go there… 

(More Zelda…more…more…then…) 

Zelda: What the…? 

(Green things…green lights, green bananas, etc) 

Drarunia: Green Jell-o? 

Link: Ummmm… 

(Now there's lots of food) 

(Everyone raises an eyebrow) 

(Now Zelda appears and eats the food) 

DED: My God, there's nothing in his subconscious mind but Zelda and mounds of potato chips! 

Ganondorf: He's right! 

(The screen shows Zelda in a thong beside a 600-pound pile of potato chips) 

MD: Oh my God, pull out! Pull out! 

MC: IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! 

DED: (pulls out the plug) 

Ruto: (Standing, but still smoking slightly) Phew! 

DED: Who next? 

Everyone: Me! Me! Me! 

Darunia: Me! 

DED: Ok. 

(Darunia gets hooked up) 

MD: Hmmm… 

(screen shows a pebble) 

DED: Hmmm… 

MC: Hmmm… 

(screen shows a rock) 

Zelda: Hmmm… 

Ruto: Hmmm… 

(screen shows a boulder) 

Ganondorf: Hmmm… 

Impa: Hmmm… 

Naburoo: That's IT? Progressively larger rocks? 

Darunia: I'm a Goron of simple tastes… 

DED: One last one… 

MC: (gets evil idea) Ganondorf! 

Ganondorf: No…I don't think you want to do that…(nervous laugh) 

DED: Hehehehe… 

Ganondorf: NOOOOOOOO! 

(Ganondorf is forcefully hooked up) 

(Screen flickers then shows Ganondorf sleeping…he looks so peaceful, with his cape as a blanket and a teddy bear.) 

Ganondorf: (in sleep) Mommy, I want a sandwich…but I don't wanna go to school… 

(Screen flickers) 

(Ganondorf is playing with a Pikachu doll) 

Ganondorf: Oh, Pikachu, you're so soft…and you talk! 

MD: (Pulls plug) That's quite enough… 

DED: Ahem…WAS that an odd and disturbing chapter? DO you want more? YOU must review! I COULD use some more suggestions! SO enjoy! YES! 

~DED   



	6. Part Six: Chicken Wars I

Randomness Wars 

*** 

Part 7: The Chicken Revolution…part I 

*** 

Disclaimer: I don't own ANYTHING! NOTHING! Ya hear me? NOTHING!   
(Oh yeah, I came up with this myself, no credits to anyone) 

*** 

A/N: I wrote this first part in third-person for suspense (and randomness). 

*** 

Ingo opened the door to the chicken coop. Yes, all the chickens were all there as usual, but there was something _different _today. 

"C'mon, ya stinkin' Coocos, gimmie some eggs!" 

One of the chickens slooooooooowly turned its head to face the disgruntled farmhand. An evil and demented smile crossed its beak. 

"I got your eggs riiiiiiiiight here…" 

*** 

Malon opened the door to the coop. She sensed an overwhelming feeling of evil within. She stepped into the dark barn and almost tripped over what felt like a bag of meat. Then she saw with horror the true form. 

There was a piercing scream. 

Ingo's body lay on the straw-covered, feces-encrusted barn floor. A festering puncture wound perforated his spine. Elsewhere on his body, there were welts, sores, and gashes of a furious pecking frenzy. All around his corpse were the splatterings of eggs. 

"Oh my god…they weren't bluffing…" 

*** 

In Kokori, a small, shadowy form stepped from a clearing in an unknown sector of the Lost Woods. Another shaded figure turned to meet him. 

"Greetings, Agent Lozoot." 

"Hello, Agent Lozmm." 

"The angels have left the shack?" 

"Yes." 

"So…Phase One is complete. Commence Operation ChickyRev." 

*** 

In the castle, Link, Zelda, Ruto, MDI, Sari, Drain, Nauru, Impa, Nabco, Ganondorf, Skull Kid, Mr. Crash, DeadeyeDave and ~*Misty Dawn*~ were waiting for nothing in particular. That's when Malign burst in. 

"*pant* *pant* Oh my god…help…the…the chickens…they killed…Ingo…dead…they're coming…THEY'RE COMING!" 

Link got up and consoled the delirious farm girl. "Get a hold of yourself, woman!" Link shook her. 

Rauru came up. "It's all right Link, I'll take care of this." He grabbed Malon. "GET A GRIP!" He shook her violently. 

The Skull Kid got up. "DON'T WORRY, I'LL HANDLE THIS." The Skull Kid jumped up on Malon and started slapping her. "SNAP OUT OF IT!" 

Darunia got up. 

"Aw nuts," thought Malon. 

This goes on for hours. 

(A/N: I think I got that from the movie Airplane, in case anyone asks) 

*** 

After every male in the room had smacked Malon silly, she finally told her story. 

"…then I woke up with a note pinned on my nightgown. It was sloppily and scratchily written, and it said, 'We're through…you won't need this after the revolution comes…BE AFRAID! BE VERY AFRAID!" 

"I see," said DED. 

"Then this morning, Ingo was brutally murdered in the chicken coop." 

"Hmmm," said MC intelligently. 

"Do you think there might be some connection between the note and the murder?" asked MD. 

"No, really, you think?" 

"Yes." 

"Well, you're right. But who…? Or possibly, whom?" 

"Or," interrupted Rauru, "possibly, what?" 

There was a pause. 

"Rauru…what _are_ you talking about?" 

"It was a chicken coop, right?" 

"Yes…" said Malon hesitantly. 

"Then…the prophecy was true…" 

"Oh boy," said Link, "here we go again…" 

"The ancient scrolls foretell that some day, with enough provocation, the chickens will rise up and take over the world in a violent, cataclysmic, and apocalyptic coup known only as…ChickyRev!" 

"So you think…it was the work of chickens?" said Zelda, eyes full of terror. 

"If I am right," said Rauru gravely, "Ingo's egg request may have brought about the end of the world." 

*** 

SFX: BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! 

DED: Ahem…IS this the most random plot conceivable? DID you like the format? Because it just sounds better in third-person, you know? THE thrilling conclusion next time in: "The Legend of Zelda: Coocoo Armageddon." 

~DED   



	7. Part Seven: Chicken Wars II

Randomness Wars 

***   
Part 8: The Chicken Revolution part II: Cooco Armageddon 

***   
Clisdaimer: I zon't own Delda   
*** 

A/N: Whew! This thing looks like it'll be a three-part subfic! Maybe I should repost it as another fic? 

*** 

Link regarded Zelda coolly. 

"You have absolutely nothing to worry about," he said calmingly. "They couldn't have amassed an army in this quick a time." 

Zelda looked out of the open window, then turned to face Link. He sat down on the bed next to her, putting a consoling arm on her shoulder. 

"We have a standing army of 200,000 highly trained soldiers standing at the ready," Link said. A thought crossed his face. "And we're fighting _chickens._" 

Zelda turned to Link, her eyes a mix of fear, love, and relief, through a mask of brimming tears. "You really think we're safe?" 

Link looked into Zelda's eyes as he put his hand on hers. "I know it," he said. 

That's when the egg hit his face. 

*** 

Soon the terrifying spluts of egg artillery were reverberating through the halls of the castle. Everyone assembled in the war room. A soldier ran into the room, egg and feathers everywhere. 

"The Coocos are attacking!" 

*** 

Zelda turned, tears in her eyes. "I'm going with you." It came out firmly. She wasn't sure what he would say. 

"What?" Link was obviously surprised. "You…fighting?" 

"Link, I have to go. I can't stand by and watch our home being destroyed. I have to come." 

"Zelda," said Link, "If you went out there, and died because of me? What would I do? I couldn't go on." 

"I have to go. It's my will. I have to." 

Link turned to her. He paused. "Get a sword." 

Zelda embraced him and kissed his cheek. "Let's survive this, okay?" 

Link smiled. "Fine. If you insist…" He handed her the Master Sword. "This is for you. Wield the power of the Triforce and defeat our enemies." 

"I'm coming too," said Nabooru. 

"Fine," said Link. 

"Me too," said Impa. 

"We'll all fight together," said DED. They put their hands in a circle, then, with a battle cry, they threw them up and charged into combat. 

*** 

In Hyrule Field, there was a line of chickens, holding thousands of eggs and bombarding the castle. On the other side, the authors and the other Zelda characters led ranks of Hyrulian soldiers. 

"All right, troops. Let's slaughter some Coocos!" cried MC. 

DeadeyeDave surveyed the battleground, sadistic glee in his burning eyes. 

"CHARGE!" 

*** 

The two armies closed ranks with alarming speed. Up and down the line, swords flashed and beaks snapped. The skillful Hyrulians slew Coocos by the hundreds, and their swords dripped with Cooco blood. 

And the Zelda characters fought with their legendary skill. Link, armed with the Biggoron's Sword, felled three Cooco fighters with one smooth stroke. Zelda, when not healing the battered, pecked, yolk-drenched Hyrulians, struck down the chicks with surprising strength and speed in a righteous fury. Nabooru, using twin Gerudo sabers, sliced all opposing with a graceful and rhythmic dance of death. 

Impa used the dark powers of the shadows and drained the life out of the ranks of chicks. Ruto drenched the foul fowl with a stream of high-pressure water. Malon, commanding a platoon of war-cows from Lon-Lon ranch, sent the irate bovine warriors, longtime enemies of the Coocos, into the fray where their hooves pounded and pulverized the skulls of the Coocos. 

Meanwhile, Ganondorf, realizing that he had to ally with the others for a common cause, blasted the hapless chicks with spheres of dark energy. Saria, at first, went into a trance. Then, calling on the power of nature itself, transformed into a green, ten-foot-tall beast. With the force and willfulness the forest, she laid waste to twenty chicks at once. Darunia, his blows with the force of an avalanche, pounded the feathery foes before sprouting spikes and rolling, impaling chicks left and right. The Skull Kid froze hundreds in their tracks with his ice wraths. 

And Mido did something kind of heroic, but we don't really remember. 

***   
Meanwhile, the authors used their fantastic powers to annihilate the chickens. ~*Misty Dawn*~ cast spells of random effects and turned the chickens against each other. Mr. Crash cast devastating blasts. Drawing on his black and red elemental powers, he launched an effective fireball, frying hundreds into roasted Boston Market specials. He then sapped their energy, rendering the chicks lifeless while transferring their lifeforce to the Hyrulian soldiers. 

But in the middle of it all was DeadeyeDave. Wielding two huge gore-soaked swords, he had already slaughtered thousands. Blood dripping from his gauntlets and blazing hellfire in his eyes, he decapitated chickens with inhuman rage. 

*** 

But through it all, the chickens kept coming. For every one that fell, three more took its place. Their gory beaks stabbed and poked viciously, and eggs flew in air. The battle was yet undecided. 

*** 

Ahem…IS this story funny? NO? WELL that's okay, because it's not supposed to be. THE concept of Link killing chickens, though, IS a subtle humor. SO, see you again later, when we reach the REAL thrilling conclusion with: "The Cataclysm." 

***   
~DED   



	8. Part Eight: Chicken Wars III

Randomness Wars 

***   
Part 9: The chicken revolution III: The Cataclysm   
***   
Things looked hopeless. No matter how many chickens were destroyed, more came in their stead. The leader of the chickens and Mr. Crash had engaged in a duel. 

Meanwhile, the valiant Hyrulians were falling and the Zelda characters were wounded and battle-weary. Link devoted himself to protecting Zelda, but for one fateful second, a chicken thrust its foul beak into her chest. 

She lay dead on the ground, and Link was driven into a battle frenzy. Revenge in his heart, he tore through the ranks. 

*** 

"Deadeye, no!" ~*Misty Dawn*~ cried for help as she was swarmed by chickens. In the last second before they tore her to pieces, she cried… 

"Long Live Randomness!" 

The chickens were scattered by DED, and he rushed to MD's aid. Blood trickled over the ground. 

"Deadeye," she said, "this is yours now." She gave him an oversized novelty comb. "Wield it with the power of the almighty random ones. The torch has been passed." 

Her eyes slid shut. 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" 

***   
Meanwhile, from an unknown sector of FF.N, Chica surveyed the destruction. 

"A character and an author dead," she said. "The Zelda section will never be the same…" 

***   
DED stared forward. Then, with one last cry, screamed, "NO MATTER HOW MANY YOUR FORCES, NOW MATTER HOW STRONG YOU ARE. YOU WILL NOT SURVIVE THIS!" 

He turned to Link. "Do not mourn for me. I have vindicated my time as an author. I die for Hyrule." 

With that, he screamed and exploded. A massive cloud spread across Hyrule field, obliterating every chicken in its wake. 

***   
Slowly MC opened his eyes. He saw a crater that encompassed all of Hyrule Field. He saw no chickens. He did see the remaining Hyrulians and the Zelda characters. 

"Crap." 

Link came to. "What happened?" 

MC replied, "DeadeyeDave sacrificed himself to destroy the chickens. His randomness ki energy exploded, taking him with it." 

Link stared down at Zelda's limp and lifeless body. "We've won…but the living will envy the dead." 

Mr. Crash stared At ~*Misty Dawn*~, then at the smoking crater that was his comrade Deadeye. 

Impa consoled him. "That's ok. He never liked DBZ anyway…" 

MC lit up. "That's it!" 

Everyone else gave him a look. 

"The Dragonballs!" 

Within a minute he returned with them and summoned the Eternal Dragon. 

"Whaddaya want, I'm busy…" it thundered. 

"Can you restore everyone who died in ChickyRev and return Hyrule to the way it was before?" MC asked, in Namekian. 

"No." said the dragon. Everyone facefaulted. "I'm joking!" it said. With that, there was a flash of light and everything was back to normal. DED and MD walked over and Zelda woke up. And so, there was a happy ending. As they walked to the castle in the setting sun, DED held MD's hand. She looked at him. 

"Can I have that comb back?" 

"No, you gave it to me in your last breaths, duuuh!" 

"But I got it at a Yankees game!" 

"So? I'll have you know that I'm in the Baltimore area, and…" 

THE END 

*** 

  



	9. Part Nine: Life's a Beach

Randomness Wars 

***   
Chapter 10: The BEACH! 

***   
A/N: I just got back from three days at the beach…so I'm obsessed! And I hoped you liked the last few chapters…I dunno if they were random enough…but they were hella cool! Oh yeah, and ~*Misty Dawn*~, I'm nipping at your heels…only fifteen chapters to go… 

P.S: Like the new font? 

***   
(for the thirty-fifth time, spanning two different fics, we're all sitting around…) 

Ruto: Oh no…I'm drying up! 

Link: Huh? 

Ruto: I've been out of water for days! We need to get me to the water or I'm a seafood entrée… 

DED: (hushed) Yes! (Out loud) Oh no! There's no water for miles! 

Link: No, wait…I can get us all to water in seconds! 

Everyone: Huh? 

Link: Let's go to Great Bay in Termina! 

Ruto: WOOHOO! BEACH VACATION! BEACH VACATION! WEEEEEEEEEE! 

Everyone: Oy… 

(so Link plays the Song of Soaring and teleports us all to Great Bay in Termina) 

Ruto: BEACH VACATION BEACH VACATION! 

Saria: Shut up! 

Mido: We're here! 

DED: So, whattaya all wanna do? 

Impa: I wanna build a sandcastle! 

Zelda: I want to get a tan! 

Link: I wanna go surfin'! 

Nabooru: I wanna see Link shirtless again! 

Link: I wanna cram a tennis ball up Nabooru's nose! 

Mido: I wanna be hurled around by huge waves! 

Ruto: I wanna do BEACH THINGS! 'Cause we're at the BEACH! THE BEACH THE BEACH THE BEACHBEACHBEACHBEACH! 

Ganondorf: I want an ice cream cone! 

DED: GREAT! Let's go! 

DED's mom: Wait…you have to put sunscreen on first! 

Everyone: Awwwwwwwww! 

(So everyone's slathered with sunscreen) 

DEDSM: Have fun! 

DED: Thanks…mom… 

(we all go frolicking off) 

(Ruto sticks her fin above water and hums the Jaws music) 

Ruto: DA DUM! DA DUM DA DUM DA DUM DA DUM DA DUM DA DUM! 

Link: Ruto, you're an idiot. 

(Then Link goes surfing) 

Link: YEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW! 

Rauru: Coooooooool! Let me try! 

Link: OK. (gives him a board) 

Rauru: All right! (stands on the board, board snaps in half) Oops… 

Mido: Let _me_ try. 

Link: Ummmm…ok… 

(Mido surfs and wipes out) 

Link: Ha ha! 

Darunia: (singing) WAHAHAHAHAHAHA….Wipe out…DA NA NA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA… 

Skull Kid: (on beach) NOOOOO! STOP SINGIN'! 

Link: Why don't you come and swim? 

Skull Kid: HOW? A SKELETON TRYIN' TO SWIM IS LIKE TRYIN' TO PADDLE A CANOE WITH A TOOTHPICK! HELLOOOOOOOOO? 

Mido: (spits out water) So what are you going to do? 

Skull Kid: I'M GONNA DIG A HOLE! 

Everyone: Oooooookaaaaaaaay… 

Skull Kid: THE BIGGIST FRIGGIN' HOLE YOU EVER SAW! 

DED: Umm, right… 

Link: Hey, Deadeye, do YOU wanna surf? 

DED: okay… 

(DED surf and is awesome…of course!) 

Everyone: Oooooooohhhhh…aaaahhhhhhhh… 

DED: Hah! 

(Ganondorf is licking an ice cream cone that has like fifty scoops) 

Ganondorf: Mmmmm…all fifty flavors… 

(Meanwhile…) 

(Zelda, Malon, and MD are trying to get a tan) 

Zelda: Ahhhhh… 

Malon: Mmmmmmmm… 

MD: Gurgle… 

(Nabooru and Impa have made a giant sandcastle that looks like the Desert Colossus) 

Nabooru: And the final…ahhhgh! 

(sand hits the sandcastle and ruins it) 

Impa: Hey! 

(the sand is coming from the Skull Kid) 

Skull Kid: DIG DIG DIG! DIG AND DIG AND DIG. DIG A HOLE!   
  
Nabooru: Rrrrrrrr…. 

(Saria is sipping a tropical rum drink) 

Saria: Mmmmm…what is this? The Fruit-tangerine-pineapple-Caribbean-rum-surprise? 

MD: Saria, you're underage! How did you get that? And where can _I_ get one? 

Saria: (drunk) I dunno…flying monkeys? 

DED: Ummmm… 

Darunia: (just sorta sitting around) I'm bored… 

DED: Go swimming! 

Darunia: I can't…I'm afraid of the water… 

DED: Don't worry…there nothing to be afraid of in the…AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Like-Likes! 

Darunia: What? 

DED: You know…those blob things that eat everything? 

Mido: Like Rauru? 

Rauru: Hey… 

DED: No, they're like slugs, and they've got huge mouths, and they don't ever move? 

Mido: Once again, like Rauru… 

(Link kills the Like-Likes) 

Link: Phew… 

DED: umm…bad start…anyway…you must conquer your fears and learn to swim! 

Darunia: I shall! (heroic music plays) 

Soundtrack: Dum dum dum! 

(So Ruto teaches Darunia to swim and not sink like the rock he is.) 

Ruto: Now for the final challenge…one that has been passed down through generations of Zora to prove themselves… 

(drum roll) 

Ruto: CLIFF DIVING OFF PINNACLE ROCK! 

Everyone: Gasp! 

Mido: DUDE! 

Link: SWEET! 

Ruto: Come, young apprentice! 

Darunia: I am ready! 

(So Link, Mido, Ruto and Darunia get up on top of Pinnacle Rock) 

Link: I'll go first….YEEEEEHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (falls off and dives perfectly into the water) 

Everyone: (claps) 

Mido: Me next! (Jumps off) AAAAAAAHHHHH! I'm spinning out of control! (Does a belly-flop) 

Everyone: Ooooh, that's gotta hurt! 

Mido: It BUUUURRRRRNNNNSSSSS!! 

(The water where he landed is on fire from the friction) 

DED: Now THERE'S something you don't see every day… 

Ruto: Here I go…(dives even more perfectly than Link) 

Link: Hey, you did even better than me! 

Ruto: Anything for you, sweet, sweet Link… 

MD: WOAH! That's QUITE enough. 

Ruto: Now you jump, Darunia! 

Darunia: Ok! (Jumps) CANNONBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL! (catches fire from friction with air) 

SFX: SPHFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

(All the water in Great Bay flies into the air, then comes splashing back down. Everyone's soaking wet) 

Darunia: Oops… 

(there's a crater where he landed) 

Mido: WICKED! 

Link: GNARLY! 

Zelda: I'M WEEEEEEEEEEEEEET! WAAAAAAA! 

Malon: EEEEKKK! MY TAN IS RUINED! 

DED: Oh boo-hoo. 

(And everyone gets dried off and eats pizza and watches fireworks and listens to the Indigo-Go's) 

MD: Sorry, but it's time to go back to Hyrule… 

Everyone: Awwwww! 

DED: But we'll see you again next time on Randomness Wars! 

***   
Nothing to say this time. See you later! 

~DED   



	10. Part Ten: Super Nutso Laser Tag

Randomness Wars 

***   
Part Eleven: Hyrulian Laser Tag!   
*** 

Disclaimer: Me own Zelda? What in the name of the Sacred Golden Toothbrush are you talking about? 

*** 

(everyone's sitting around) 

DED: Can we do something yet? 

MD: Okay… 

Link: I know! We'll go and play some of the games in Hyrule Market Town! 

Everyone: Ok. 

(in Hyrule Market Town) 

Ruto: What's that building? 

Saria: I haven't noticed it before… 

Zelda: It says…"Hyrule Laser Adventures Laser Tag." 

Mido: COOL! 

Rauru: I wanna go in! 

Darunia: Me too! I've always loved laser tag! 

Mr. Crash: Can I come? 

DED: How did YOU get here? 

MC: Ummm…I don't remember…but I'll play with you! 

DED: Ok. 

(So we go in) 

Guy at counter: How many this time? Fifteen? 

DED: Yes, and we'd like to play one game. 

GAC: All right…that comes to…15603277894765869784375947593 rupees. 

DED: (Fires ki blast into wall behind GAC) How much was that? 

GAC: Ooohh…umm…5 rupees? 

(DED forms ki blast in his hand) 

GAC One rupee! Author discount! Don't shoot! 

DED: That's better. 

GAC: Uuuuuhhh…fill out these forms. 

(Everyone is filling out the forms) 

DED: Hmmm…pen name…I wonder…how about DeadeyeDave? 

Nabooru: What's yours? 

Impa: Mine's "Drkshdw." 

Skull Kid: IS THERE A SHORTAGE OF VOWELS AROUND HERE? 

Impa: Oh yeah? What's your pseudonym? 

Skull Kid: MINE'S "ICY_WRATH_MAJORA_INCARNATE." 

Zelda: Rather long, isn't it? 

Skull Kid: WHAT'S YOURS? 

Zelda: "PrincessZelly288." 

Link: Kinda unoriginal. Mine's "NutherDumbBlonde." 

Ruto: Mine's "LinkypooLuver12." 

Rauru: Typical. 

(They all take their forms to the guy) 

GAC: All right, the game will start in a few minutes. 

Malon: Look, they've got arcade games! 

Rauru: And a snack bar! 

Link: Are you ever _not_ thinking about food? 

(Malon goes off to play video games and Rauru eats at the bar) 

Voice: The game is starting. All participants report to briefing room. 

(everyone goes in and sits down in room) 

Nerdy guy: I'm your instructor. Now, we first have to explain the rules of the game… 

(twenty minutes later) 

DED and MC: *asleep* Zzzzzz… 

MD: *prods them* Wake up! That's not very nice! 

DED: But we already know how to play… 

Nerdy guy: The teams this time are Authors vs. All! 

DED, MD, and MC: COOOOOL! 

Zelda Characters: We're gonna whup ya'll! 

Nerdy guy: And anyone using ki blasts and flying is disqualified. 

DED and MC: Awwwww… 

(everyone gets their vests and guns) 

Darunia: Sweet! I feel like Rambo! 

Rauru: Hmm…this vest is far too small… 

Link: Ready to rock and roll! 

Zelda: Now how do you use these again? 

Link: (explains how to use gun) 

DED: All riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight… 

MC: Heh heh heh… 

MD: Eee hee hee hee hee… 

(the match begins) 

DED: All right, I'll go on the attack, Crash can secure the top area, and Misty can be a sniper. 

MD: Right. 

MC: Gotcha. 

DED: Lets go! 

(meanwhile) 

Link: Ok, spread out and try to ambush them. They'll hide up top, so some of us can strike. 

Everyone: affirmative. 

Link: All right! 

(game starts) 

DED: (creeping down) Hmmm… (sees Darunia) Ha…easy target. (shoots him) 

DED: I tagged player 4! 

MD: (From second story) Behind you! 

(DED turns around and Mido is firing at him) 

(MD picks him off) 

(meanwhile) 

Link: Ok, I'm going for their base…back me up. 

Malon: Got it. 

Ganondorf: I'll help. 

(Sneaks into the base) 

MC: Intruder alert! Misty, cover me! 

(MC fires at Malon) 

Malon: I'm hit! 

(MD snipes Ganondorf) 

Ganondorf: Nooo! 

DED: (ambushes Link from behind) Hahaha! Didn't see this one coming, did you? 

Link: Retreat! 

(Later…) 

DED: WAHAHAHAHAHAHA! RAPID FIRE AND MEGA POWER AT ONCE! 

Everyone: Oh no! (cowers in fear) 

DED: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAANZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!! (tags the living hell out of everybody) 

MD: Yes! Darkthief and Invisibility! (MD goes around and stealthily assassinates people) 

Link: Rrrrrrr…tagged again… 

Voice: Time up! (everybody's packs are deactivated) 

Everybody: AWWWWWWWWW! (a/n: I'm fond of that phrase, huh?) 

(everybody exits) 

GAC: The final score was Authors: 2000 points, Characters: 2000 points. A dead tie… 

(DED ki blasts ceiling) 

GAC: I mean Authors 600,000,000,000,000,000 and Characters 3! 

(building collapses) 

DED: Oops…I ki blasted one to many walls… 

MC: HAHAHAHAHA! YEILD TO OUR INCREDABLE AUTHOR LASER TAG ABILITIES! 

Link: It was a tie and you know it! 

DED: Fine, fine…ahem…WAS this chapter random? DO you want more randomness? THEN review with suggestions, cause I'm running dry…but…I still have one more idea up my sleeve…AND IT'S THE MOST RANDOM YET! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

(a/n: This laser tag place is inspired by a laser tag place called Shadowland near where I live.) 

~DED   



	11. Part Eleven: I've Never

Randomness Wars 

***   
Part Twelve: I've Never-Zelda version   
*** 

a/n: I read Orla's fic that was this only w/ Gundam Wing and I _had_ to do it myself...Muwhahahaha!Oh yeah, and in case you can't tell, every disgusting secret in this chapter is NOT TRUE! No, ~*Misty Dawn*~ and I have never tried to have sex. No. You're a perv. GET IT? I hope I didn't offend thee, O Queen of Randomness... 

*** 

(We're all sitting around...but this time we have a reason!) 

Link: (sets down a crate) That's all the liquor I could find... 

Zelda: Yikes! Do we really need that much? 

DED: I think so... 

Mr. Crash: All right, let's start! Who doesn't know how to play? 

(DED raises hand) 

MC: Ooookay...here's how it works. We each fill our glass. Then, we take turns saying something we've never done, such as, I've never written a   
fanfic called "DBZ: The Full Monty." 

MC: (glares meaningfully) 

DED: (hastily) Or, uhh, I've never killed anyone. 

MC: (glares again) 

DED: Ummm...forget it. So, anyone who HAS done it has to drink some of their champagne. 

MD: Okay...is it safe? 

Malon: Tell me, if it involves Deadeye here, is _anything_ safe? 

MD: Oookay then, let's start... 

Impa: I'm first, let's see...I've never...stuck my tongue into someone's ear. 

(Link and Zelda drink) 

Ganondorf: Umm...WRONG!? 

Link: (sheepish grin) 

Malon: My turn! I've never...(gets evil idea) Rolled around in the mud butt naked! 

(no one drinks) 

Zelda: (nervous look) Oookay...my turn... 

Malon: No no no...I've got pictures...(Malon takes out Polaroid pictures) 

Zelda: I was six! 

Nabooru: (takes a picture from Malon) No, looks like you're about 19 in this... 

Everybody: HAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Zelda: I'll get you for this...(finally drinks) 

Malon: Oooh...I'm scaaaaaaaaaaaaaared... 

Zelda: I've never WORN A MINISKIRT AND FLASHED LINK! 

Link: (tries not to exist) 

Malon: (drinks) Ooooh, you're soooooooo dead... 

DED: Oh my God...who's next? 

Darunia: Me...hmmmm... I've never tried to take over the world! 

Ganondorf: Stupid little... 

MD: Your turn! 

Ganondorf: I've never...saved the world! Heh heh heh... 

Link: Okay, no biggie... 

Ganondorf: Ah ah ah! You've saved the world like...six times! Six drinks! 

Link: I hate you. You know that, right? (drinks 6 drinks) 

Link: Okay...I've...never blown myself up! 

DED: Punk! 

Malon: Uh oh, now it's his turn... 

DED: I've never been a stuck-up dickhole. 

(Everyone looks at Mido) 

Mido: What?! 

Nabooru: Just drink. 

Mido: Okay...I've never been a player! 

Link: I am not a player! 

Mido: Okay...I've never been the center of a controversy that is debating who   
I'm in love with! 

(Link, Malon, and Zelda all drink) 

Malon: Okay, my turn! I've never, uh...been high on Sweet n' Low and made out with a tree! 

Zelda: (glares) How the hell do you know all this? (drinks) 

Malon: Uh oh...I'm gonna regret this... 

Zelda: I've never let people pay money to molest my animals! 

Everyone: EWWWWWW! 

Malon: (drinks) I was broke! 

Saria: My turn...I've...ummm...never jumped around naked screaming, "I'M AN ANTEATER!" 

(Skull Kid, Ganondorf, Link and Rauru all drink) 

Nabooru: Whoa! That many? 

Link: I was four! 

Ganondorf: I was five! 

Rauru: I was 350! 

Skull Kid: I'VE NEVER USED KI TO BLOW THINGS UP! 

(authors drink) 

DED: That was weak, Skull Kid! 

MC: Ok...I've never screamed "LONG LIVE RANDOMNESS" as loud as possible. 

(DED and MD drink) 

MD: Yes! Random and PROUD OF IT! 

MD: Okay, I've never worn a possessed mask! 

(Skull Kid and Link drink) 

Link: Are you deliberately trying to get me drunk? 

DED: Actually, yes. You know far too much. You must be passed out before the game can _really_ start. 

Link (grumbles) 

Ganondorf: Okay...I've never had a sexual fantasy about men. 

(Every woman drinks) 

Link: Really Ganny-poo? That suprises me... 

Ganondorf: Go to hell. 

Malon: My turn! I've never...had sex in Lake Hylia! 

(Zelda drinks) 

Malon: With who? 

Link: I don't exist, remember? (drinks anyway) 

Zelda: D'oh! All right...well at least _I've_ never had sex in a chicken coop! 

Malon: (drinks) DIE! 

*** 

(Muuuuuuuuuuuch later) 

(only ones conscious are the authors, due to their incalculable author powers, and Zelda and Malon, who apparently have a very high alcohol tolerance) 

Malon: I...*hic* I've never had sex on Death Mountain! 

Zelda: (tries to drink, but misses glass) I've never licked someone's ass! 

Malon: (pours drink on floor by mistake) I've never been called Zelda! 

Zelda: (drinks) I've never been called Malon! 

Malon: (drinks) Umm...truce, ok? 

Zelda: Ok. 

(both pass out) 

(Meanwhile...) 

DED: I've never...uhhh...got in a bed in my underwear with a member of the opposite sex! 

(MC drinks) 

MD: Seriously? Woah... 

MC: It was a dare, all right? (drinks) (a/n: This is the ONE THING IN THIS WHOLE CHAPTER that is true! Mr. Crash was high on sugar packets and told me   
this...Really!) Now then...I've neverâ€¦tried to have sex with a fellow author! 

DED and MD: (drink) 

DED: This reopens a chapter of my life that I hoped was closed forever... 

MC: Whoa! Now that's disturbing...uh oh...losing consciousness...(passes out) 

MD: Hah! The power of randomness is not strong in him...(passes out) 

DED: (talking to no one) You're all weak! You couldn't even handle three bottles! I'm the best! I win! Ha! Now then...(promptly passes out) 

*** 

Ahem...WAS this random? HAVE I brought out lots of embarrassing secrets to light? ARE you weirded out yet? THEN I had better try harder! Mr. Crash suggested the next part, so you know it'll be odd...BUT THAT'S NO REASON NOT TO REVIEW! Bye 'till next time! 

~DED   
  
  



	12. Part Twelve: Fear and Pixie Stix

Randomness Wars 

***   
Chapter the Thirteenth (bum bum BUMMMMMMM): The Skull Kid goes nuts(er) and scares people!!!   
***   
Disclaimer: Moi? Own Zelda? Sorry, but vou est von beg idiot. 

And this chapter is monsieur Crash's idea, chiclets.   
***   
(almost everyone is sitting around recovering from the night before) 

Link: Oh my head…remind me to never do anything that Deadeye suggests ever again… 

Mido: I'll back you up on that… 

MD: Ha! You were all unconscious when the good stuff spilled! You missed it all! 

Saria: Has anyone seen the Skull Kid recently? 

Impa: Um…no, actually… 

Nabooru: This can't be good… 

Voice from Ceiling: BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA! 

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! 

(Skull Kid drops from chandelier on ceiling) 

Skull Kid: I SCARED YOU ALL! I SCARED YOU I SCARED YOU! YES! (hi-fives invisible person) 

Everyone: SKULL KID WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!? 

Skull Kid: *pant* SORRY…IT'S NOT MY FAULT… 

DED: And how so? 

Skull Kid: A LITTLE KNOWN FACT ABOUT SKULL KIDS IS THAT THERE COMES A TIME IN EVERY SKULL KID'S LIFE WHEN HE HAS OVERWHELMING RANDOM URGES TO SCARE PEOPLE. I REMEMBER HOW IT ALL BEGAN… 

Link: Hoo boy…flashback time… 

Skull Kid: I WAS EATING PIXIE STICKS IN A CONTEST TO SEE WHO COULD CONSUME MORE. 

Malon: THAT'S a bad sign… 

Skull Kid: I WON, BUT AT A TERRIBLE COST. I WAS HIGH FOR HOURS. 

(Flashback) 

Skull Kid: (in a tree) HEH HEH HEH… 

(Mido walks by) 

Skull Kid: (jumps out of tree) BOO! 

Mido: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! 

Skull Kid: (doing dance) I SCARED YOU! I SCARED YOU! WEEEEEEEEEEE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA! I'M SO SCARY! (*does a backflip*) 

Mido: What is your problem? 

Skull Kid: I'M GEORGE! GEORGE, GEORGE, GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE, WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREEEEEEEE! (rams into tree) 

(end flashback) 

Mido: So THAT'S what that was about… 

Skull Kid: AND EVER SINCE, I'VE HAD AN UNQUENCHABLE NEED TO SCARE PEOPLE AT RANDOM INTERVALS. 

DED: This does not bode well. 

Skull Kid: OH NO…HAPPENING…AGAIN…IEEEEEEEEEEEE! (runs off and hides) 

Ganondorf: 0_o…We'll have to look out today… 

(later) 

Link: (going to kitchen) I sure could go for a ham sandwich…(opens door to fridge) 

Skull Kid: (jumps out of fridge) BANZIIIIIIIIIIIII! 

Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKK! 

Skull Kid: WAHAHAHAHAHA! I SCARED YOU I SCARED YOU I SCARED YOU! WEEEEEEEEEEE! (*does a backflip*) (singing) I'M A SKULL KID GIRL, IN A SKULL KID WOOOOOOOORLD, MAJORA'S MAAASK, LINK CAN KISS MY… 

Link: Whoa, Skull Kid, watch it. 

Skull Kid: YES! SCARED! (darts off) 

Link: Dang. 

(Zelda is putting on makeup) 

Zelda: Hmmm…I think that the lip gloss is in the medicine cabinet…(opens cabinet) 

Skull Kid: KEEEEEEEYYYYAAAAAAAA! 

Zelda: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK! 

(Skull Kid bursts out of cabinet, spilling cosmetic supplies and powder everywhere) 

Zelda: *cough* Skull Kid! Come back here! 

Skull Kid: I SACRED YOU I SCARED YOU! NEENER NEENER! 

Zelda: *cough* I can't see… 

Skull Kid: NOW TO ESCAPE UNDER COVER OF DUST… 

(sneaks off) 

(Rauru is watching the news) 

Rauru: Hmm…Nasdaq rose three points… 

Skull Kid: *sneaks up* *breath* HIRAURUDIDISCAREYOU? 

Rauru: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! 

Skull Kid: I SCARED YOU I SCARED YOU! HEE HEE! 

Rauru: (clutches chest) Gaaack…heart attack… 

Skull Kid: (sneaks off) 

(later) 

DED: Something must be done… 

Rauru: Yes…my heart… 

Zelda: He spilled my glitter! 

Link: He leapt out of the fridge! 

Ruto: I've got an idea… 

(huddle) 

(Later) 

Skull Kid: HEH HEH HEH…WHO'S NEXT? 

(Malon jumps out of the closet) 

Malon: OOGA BOOGA! 

Skull Kid: IEEEEEE! 

(Skull Kid runs) 

(Link drops from ceiling) 

Link: ICKA ICKA WAAAA! 

Skull Kid: EEEEEEEEE! 

(runs) 

Darunia: HA! BOO! AAAAH! 

Skull Kid: NOOO! 

(everyone scares Skull Kid) 

Skull Kid: NO….STOP…I WON'T SCARE ANYONE AGAIN… 

DED: That's better… 

Now then…AHEM! WAS that chapter strange? DO you want more? THEN you MUST review! PLEEEEEEZE??? I NEED SUGGESTIONS! HELP! 

~DED   



	13. Part Thirteen: Doppelgangers

Adventures in Randomness with Zelda and Company 

***   
a/n: Hi! Changed the name. Formerly randomness wars. 

***   
Chapter Fourteen in the never-ending series: I HAVE TWO DOPPELGANGERS!!! (or: Malon's insanity)   
***   
(everyone's sitting around) 

Malon: Umm…Deadeye…I've known you for fourteen chapters now, and there's something I'd like you all to know… 

DED: What? 

Malon: (a/n: the catch phrase) I HAVE TWOOOOOOOO DOPPELGANGERS!!! (curls up into a ball) 

Everyone: 0_o ??? 

Malon: (quietly) There's this girl, called Romani, and she lives on this ranch that's JUST LIKE MIIIIIIIIINE!!! 

Darunia: Ummm… 

Malon: (quietly again) And there's this girl, called Marin, and she lives on an island called…KOHONOLIT!!! 

Everyone: AAAAAAAHHH!!! 

Malon: IEEEEEEEEEEE! I'M GOING INSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!!! 

Impa: You mean you weren't all ready? 

Malon: Allow me to rephrase that: I'M GOING INSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANER!!! 

Nabooru: Malon's right…because…I HAVE A DOPPELGANGER TOO!!! 

Saria: Huh? 

Link: Wha? 

Nabooru: There are these pirates, and they look like Gerudos, and their leader looks JUST LIKE MEEE!!!! 

Mido: Nabooru what ARE you talking about? 

Malon: They could be watching us RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!! 

Link: Malon… 

Malon: YA GOTTA BELIEVE ME!!! (grabs Links collar and shakes him) 

Ruto: It's all true…because…I HAVE A DOPPELGANGER TOO!!! 

(a/n: note: always three exclamation points. No more, no less.) 

Ganondorf: Sheesh… 

Ruto: There's this Zora, and she's a singer, and she looks JUST LIKE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! 

Zelda: AND I HAVE A DOPPELGANGER TOO!!! In the old t.v. show, there was an episode, called "Doppelganger," and there was this person who looks JUST LIKE MEEEEEEEEEEE!!! 

Link: But your doppelgangers dwarf in comparison to: MY DOPPELGANGERS!!! 

Dark Link: Yo. 

FDL: Howdy. 

Link: THERE THEY ARE NOW!!! 

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! 

DED: I thought I killed you. 

FDL: Nope. 

DED: That's all right…because I HAVE A DOPPELGANGER TOO!!! 

Rauru: Really? 

DED: This person…called Greg…he… 

DL: Looks JUST LIKE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU? 

DED: No…actually…HIS BIRTHDAY IS TWO DAYS AWAY FROM MINE!!! And we have ALL THE SAME INTERESTS!!! 

Skull Kid: THEN HE SHOULD BE YOUR FRIEND. 

DED: Well…yeah…but still! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! 

***   
Umm…the end? Ahem: WAS that chapter too short? WELL you ought to review and give me suggestions! I always appreciate ideas! SO now that I've breached fifty reviews, on to 100! 

~DED   



	14. Part Fourteen: Library?

AIRW/ZAC *** Part XV: The Hyrulian Library! Oi, noooooooooooooo! *** Disclaimer: Time for some reverse psychology. I OWN ZELDA! YEP, ZELDA BELONGS TO ME!!! MINE MINE MIIIIIINE!!! ZELDA! MINE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *** 

(We're all [guess what? Betcha can't! Heeheehee! Well?] Sitting around) 

Link: (turns on T. V.) Hmmm… 

Nabooru: I wanna watch Murder in Small Town X! 

(Link flips to Fox) 

Malon: No! I wanna see Dexter's Laboratory! 

(Link flips to Cartoon Network) 

Ganondorf: No! I wanna see Blues Clues! 

(Link gives Ganondorf a look, then flips to Nick Jr.) 

Mido: I just wanna see… 

Skull Kid: I JUST WANNA SEE? I JUST WANNA SEE? GASP! *singing* "SLEEPING ON THE CELING THE FLIES DON'T FALL, DUST BUNNIES FOUND THEIR WAY TO THE WALL, AND I DON'T EVEN WANNA UNDERSTAND IT ALL…" 

Link: Shut up shut up SHUT UP! (throws hands in the air) 

(remote control flies into the air in slow motion as everyone gasps) 

Zelda: (dives at it in slo-mo) NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (-->Note: Slow motion voice) 

Impa: (also dives at it in slo-mo) NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (also in slow motion voice) 

(they collide in midair) 

Zelda and Impa: (in slow motion voice) OOOOOOOOWWWWWW! 

Ruto: D'oh! 

(the remote flies behind the couch) 

Rauru: Gasp! It has fallen behind the sacred Royal Couch! 

Zelda: Yes! The Royal Couch! Under its centuries-year-old bulk, there may be Chee-tos over ten thousand years old! 

Everyone: Oooooooooooooo! 

Rauru: And anyone who moves its sacred weight will be cursed for eternity!!! 

Link: Which would _you_ rather have: No remote or a curse? 

Everyone: CURSE CURSE CURSE!!! 

Zelda: *sigh* Go figure… 

Link: (dons Indiana Jones hat and shoves aside couch) Ah ha! 

(putrid mists rise out of the floor) 

MD: Hey! I'm insulted! 

DED: Oh waaah. 

Everyone: GASP!!! 

(a horrible gelatinous mutant beast emerges) 

HGMB: RAUUUURGH!!! GLUMP-FLARRRRRG!!! 

Link: IEEEE!!! (stabs it) 

Saria: Phew. 

Link: Quick, let's look for the remote! 

(everyone looks) 

Ruto: Ewwwww! A shoe! 

Nabooru: Hmm…hey! It's the Triforce of Courage! 

Link: So thaaaaaaaat's where it went! (grabs it) 

Zelda: AAACKKK! HAIRBALL! 

Impa: Uh oh…a pack of aggressive dust bunnies! 

Dust bunny: Roar! Slobber! 

Impa: (plays dead) 

DED: Eureka! 

Darunia: You found it? 

DED: Behold…The remote! 

Rauru: Wait! We have bigger problems! 

Mido: Huh? 

Rauru: Look at this! 

Link: What is it? 

Rauru: It's a book. 

Saria: Ummm…so? 

Rauru: But it is no ordinary book! 

Link: Is it a spellbook? 

Zelda: A cursed book? 

Darunia: An evil book? 

Ruto: A dark and mysterious book sealed away under the couch, never to be released…until now??? 

Rauru: Umm…it's "The Little Engine That Could." 

(long pause) 

Everyone: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!? 

Rauru: But…it has a library card in it! 

MD: (examines it) And a stamp! 

DED: It says… "Borrowed December 21, 38,000 B.C. To be returned January 10, 38,001 B.C." 

(longish pause) 

Malon: So… 

Zelda: It's… 

DED: …it's 40,000 years overdue. 

Impa: I see. 

Rauru: Egads! Surely we are doomed! 

Saria: So what now? 

Ganondorf: Do we leave it here, avoiding the tremendous fees but while our souls and our consciousnesses are wracked with the gnawing guilt, as we bubble and fester and our minds are warped by our dark secret, dirven to the birnk of insanity...? 

Link: ...OR do we boldy and nobly return this artifact, and live freely but suffer the terrible wrath of the librarian? 

Zelda: Yes! We shall return this book, no matter the cost! 

Link: D'oh! 

Zelda: What? 

Link: I was trying to _keep_ you from returning it! 

Zelda: But your speech...it was so...never mind. 

MD: We are returning it! 

Everyone: HUZZAH!! 

***And so, the zelda character go to the library! (Dang that took a long time to set up!)*** 

(Link pushes the doors of the library open. There is a blast of air like opening a tomb.) 

Link: Now remember, we're just gonna pay the fee and get out, ok? 

Malon: All ri...hey! Look! 

Link: What? 

Malon: They have a puppet show? 

DED: Huh? 

Saria: And computers! 

Mido: And the complete volume of "Stuck-up Dickholes How-To" books! 

Ruto: And "Icthyology 101" books! 

Nabooru: And...uh...umm...something else good! 

(everyone rushes by Link) 

Link: *sigh...* 

(everyone disperses) 

Rauru: This technology intrigues me...a PC, you say? 

DED: Yup. Here's the Internet. Have fun! 

Rauru: Internet. In-tur-net. Een tur net. 

DED: Umm, yeah... 

*meanwhile* 

Mido: Mmmm...chapter ten is "How to be as Annoying as Possible." 

Impa: Greaaaaaat. 

Mido: Wow! They have everything! Humming, Tapping, Whistling Tunelessly, Giggling at Nothing, Giggling at Everything, Sniveling, Snorting... 

Impa: Oh lord... 

Mido: And chapter eleven is "How to be Grumpy!" 

Impa: *sigh* 

*Meanwhile meanwhile* 

Ruto: I've always been afraid to admit it, but... 

Malon: ...but? 

Ruto: ...but...uh...I've never grasped how our species reproduced... 

Malon: Really? 

Ruto: Yeah... 

Malon: Aww, don't feel bad. I had to look it up too... 

Ruto: So I'm checking out this icthyology book in the hopes of learning the tecqunique and continuing the species! 

Malon: (sarcasticlly) Yay. 

Ruto: So... 

Malon: Well? 

Ruto: Aha! Says here we..."Relese a cloud of sperm in the hopes of a female receving them, then thousands of spores drift untill they reach a suitable surface then attach there and remain for the rest of their lives." No, wait, that's sea sponges. 

Malon: Umm... 

Ruto: Oh! Here it is. I'm supposed to "Lay a batch of unfertilized eggs," then "wait for a male to fertilize them." 

Malon: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Umm... 

Ruto: Oh...well, thats odd...totally different than what I expected... 

*Meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile* 

Link: (reading a book) 

Zelda: (walks over) Whatchya readin'? 

Link: I don't know, but its fastinating. Definitly thought provoking. 

Zelda: (reads title) Link! You're a perv! *smack upside the head* 

Link: Huh? What was that for? 

Zelda: You're reading the Karma Sutra! 

Link: The what now? 

Zelda: YOU'RE ENGROSSED IN A SEX MANUAL!!! 

Link: What? So THAT'S what all that stuff was about! 

(pause) 

Zelda: I'll just kinda read over your shoulder, 'kay? 

Link: No. Go away. I'm a perv. 

(Zelda ignores him) 

Link: Hey...they stole our idea! 

Zelda: Huh? Lemmie see! (snatches book) 

*Meanwhile Meanwhile Meanwhile Meanwhile Meanwhile Meanwhile Meanwhile Meanwhile Meanwhile Meanwhile Meanwhile* 

Rauru: Hmm. This "Web site" of yours is vastly intreguing. It says, "Click here for total hardcore XXX sluts." Wonder what that means. 

(Rauru clicks it) 

Rauru: Wow! Astounding! The colors! The images! The sights! The sounds! This surely is a blessing form the goddesses! 

DED: (notices) Rauru, this is a PORN SITE!!! 

Rauru: Huh? 

DED: X out! X out! 

Rauru: What? How do I do that? 

DED: ARRRRGH! 

*Muuuuch later* 

Link: Awright, enough fooling around! We gotta 'fess up! 

Darunia: Right. No more dawdling. 

Ganondorf: No more beating around the bush. 

Ruto: No more stalling. 

Nabooru: No more procrastinating. 

Skull Kid: NO MORE HOITY-TOIDY. 

Rauru: No more denial. 

Saria: Let's cut to the chase. 

Zelda: Let's get to the point. 

Mido: Let's let bygones be bygone. 

Link: Speach is silvern, silence golden. Now shut up. 

Everyone: Right. 

MD: Uhh, excuse us, Ms. Librarian Person Lady Thing? 

Librarian: Yes, Ms. Blonde Teen Person Girl Dude? 

DED: We'd, uh, like to return this book. 

Raruru: (hands book over) 

Librarian: H'mmm...(examines book) Well, this is just a bit overdue... 

Link: Umm, yeah. 

Librarian: ...so I'll need a little fee. 

Zelda: *shrugs* 

Librarian: So, at 146,000,000 days overdue, you owe us a fine...of two Americian dollars! 

Zelda characters: GASP! 

DED: Ok. 

(takes out wallet) 

DED: Here. 

(pays) 

Librarian: Thank you. 

Rauru: Hurray! 

Zelda: Our hero! 

DED: Umm...right...anyway, time for the ending deelie. 

*Bur-heyven!* SO, what didja think o' that chapter? ARE ya gonna review this story RIGHT NOW? The answer is YES! WHAT do you think I should do next? WHEN will this fic end? ARE you ready, are you ready for this? ARE ya hangin' on the edge of your seat? No? Oh well. See ya'll next time! 

~DED   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	15. Part Fifteen: God alone knows

Adventures in Randomness with Zelda and Company 

*** 

Part 16: You mean stories are supposed to have PLOTS? 

*** 

Disclaimer: "Me: 'I want to own Zelda!' Myiamoto: 'YOU CAN'T HANDLE ZELDA, MAN!!!'" 

*** 

a/n: There are two kinds of randomness: Focused randomness and unfocused randomness. This...would fall into the latter category. 

*** 

(everyone ISN'T sitting around! So there!) 

DED: (weeping) You must excuse me...I've gone into a period of mourning...you see, there was only one fanfic as randomly silly and hilarious as this one...and tragiclly...this fanfic has gone bankrupt... 

(MD lies in repose on the couch, melodramatically with one hand on her brow) 

Malon: Bankrupt...? 

DED: In this profession, bankrupt reffers to ideas...(crouches by Misty D. and holds her head, soloquising) Alas, poor Misty...I knew her, Zelda... 

(Historical Note: Although Shakespere's Hamlet is often quoted as "Alas poor Yoreck, I knew him well," the actual words were, "Alas poor Yoreck...I knew him, Horatio." Thus the pun. Trust me. It's funny.) 

Zelda: Umm..yeah...so? 

DED: To be or not to be, that is the question...weither 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous... 

Mido: Aw nuts, here we go again... 

Skull Kid: AAAAAY! IT'S DA FONZ! 

Rauru: You're not the Fonz...you're the Skull Kid. 

Impa: (singing) I call it a BARgin, the BEST I E-EVER HAAAAAAAAAAAAD... 

Ruto: Huh? 

Impa: To catch you, I'm gonna run and neva stop! 

Ruto: I give up. 

Link: DED must have that song stuck in his head. 

DED: ...To die, to sleep, no more... 

Malon: Arrgh! 

MD: I'm feeling better now! 

DED: To sleep, perchance to dr...dang. 

Mido: HEY EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME! 

(everyone looks) 

Mido: Ha ha! I'm Medusa and now you're all stone! 

Link: Oh you stupid little...KISSSSAMA!!! (chases Mido through house Wufei-style) 

Darunia: Hey look at this! I can shove TWENTY-THREE Twizzlers up my nose! 

Zelda: Look at my eyebrows! I dyed them PURPLE!!! 

Saria: And I dyed my hair HOT PINK WITH THIN HORIZONTAL YELLOW STRIPES! 

Link: Oh wow, I_ Misty Dawn has a cute butt._

MD: QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE??? 

Link: Oh no, don't tell me... 

Everyone: His brain filter is gone again! 

Zelda: I told you DED's artificial one wouldn't hold! 

DED: It's not MY fault...the pressure of the stupid thoughts must've burst it! 

Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO _I like to eat, eat, eat, apples and bannanas!_ OOOOOOOOOOOO!!! 

Skull Kid: LINK WHY THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT RAFFI SONGS?!? 

Link: I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M THINKING ABOUT _My eyes are dim, I can not see, I have...not...brougfht my specs with me! _RAFFI SONGS!!!! 

DED: Hey, did you know that MD's name is Brumeux Aurore in French??? 

MD: IIIIII LLOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEE THHHHAAAAAAAAATTT NAAAAAAAAMMMMMMEEEE!!! 

DED: Yes, we know! 

MD: AORORA! AORORA! I LOOOOOOOOOVE AORORA! 

Mido: Ummm... 

MD: IN FACT, I'M GONNA GO OUT RIGHT NOW AND HAVE MY NAME LEGALLY CHANGED TO AORORA!!! 

Darunia: That's great. _I'm_ gonna eat mayonase. (picks up huge tub of mayonase and eats) 

Rauru: Oh no! It's a giant flaming death bat cabbage from Hell! 

Malon: No, wait, it's just a cloud. 

MD: YEP, I'M OUTTA HERE! NEXT TIME YOU'LL SEE ME I'LL BE MISTY AORORA! 

Impa: Mmmm. 

MD: YEP...UH...HUH................WELL? 

Saria: Well. 

MD: Well? 

Saria: Well. 

MD: Well? 

Saria: Well. 

MD: Well? 

Saria: Well. 

MD: Well? 

Saria: Well. 

Nabooru: Zzzzzzzzzz... 

MD: WELL I'M GOOOOOOONE!!! *leaps out window* 

(Darunia is still eating mayonase) 

Link: SOMEONE FIX MY GOD-HAMMED BRAIN THINGY BEFORE I _I looked over Jordan, and what did I see, commin' for to carry me hooooome? A band of angels_ Oops, too late. 

Malon: FUNKIN' BEIGE TROMBONE MOLESTERS! DO SOMETHING! 

Link: _SWING LOW, SWEET CHARIOOOOOOOT, COMMIN' FOR TO CARRY ME HOOOOOOOOOOME...___

(Darunia...still...eating...mayo...) 

Mido: OH YOUR GOD! IT'S A GIANT BRICK WALL THAT'S COMMIN' UP FAST! 

DED: IT'S THE END OF THE CHAPTER! LOOK OUT! 

Everyone: IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *splat* 

(everyone spluts into the wall, and Darunia is eatin' mayo until the last second) 

Zelda: OOOOWWWWWW!!! 

Skull Kid: OUCHERZ! OH @$%^#&*(! 

Zelda: Skull Kid! Did you just say @$%^#&*(? 

Skull Kid: WHY MOTHER, I WOULD NEVER SAY @$%^#&*(! 

Zelda: Well, we're gonna have to wash that language out of your mouth! 

Skull Kid: AAAK! GLUB GLUB GARGLE OOF! 

DED: HEY! THE CHAPTER ENDED LIKE SIX SENTANCES AGO! KNOCK OF THE RANDOMNESS FOR NOW! 

N-E-Way...WAS this chapter the stupidist pieceacrap ever to drag itself up from the sewers? HOW is that possible? I DON'T KNOW! I'll see ya'll next time! 

Random FL, 

DED 


	16. Part Sixteen: Perchance to Dream

Air with zac 

*** 

Part XVII: LINK AND ZELDA GET MARRIED!!! IN A DREAM!!! AND THERE'S "THE WHO"!!! AND IT DOESN'T REALLY MAKE A WHOLE LOT OF SENSE!!! 

This is a very special chapter for me and all the other L/Z shippers out there. WE'RE WINNIN'! L/M, GET OUTTA MY HOUSE!!! 

*** 

(On a clear night, with the stars sparkling and the moon shining on the courtyard, Link and Zelda are sitting around.) 

Link: Hmm...Zelda, there's something I'd like to ask you... 

Zelda: Yes? 

Link: Well, um...(checks pockets) Dang! I had it written down somewhere... 

Zelda: (noticing something) You mean the piece of paper that says "Zelda my dearest, my heart beats fast wen your radiant presence honors me. I long only for your gentle touch and I pine only for you to be mine. Zelda my darling, will you marry me?"? 

Link: Yep, that's the one. Give it here. 

Zelda: 'Kay. (hands him paper) 

Link: Ahem. "Zelda my dearest, my heart beats fast wen your radiant presence honors me. I long only for your gentle touch and I pine only for you to be mine. Zelda my darling, will you marry me?" 

Zelda: Oh, Link, yes! 

Link: WHOOHOO!! (takes pistol and shoots into air) 

Zelda: (smooches Link) Do I get a ring? 

Link: Yep! (goes through pockets) I got it...right...OH CRAP!!! 

Zelda: (look of fear) 

Link: Oh wait, here it is. (tries to put ring on finger. It doesn't fit.) 

Zelda: Ow ow ow! Stop it! 

Link: Gol-darnit! Lousy ring! 

Zelda: Why didn't you ask me... 

Link: HOW AM I GONNA ASK YOU? "OH ZELDA, I'M BUYING YOU AN ENGAGEMENT RING AND I NEED TO KNOW THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF YOUR RING FINGER!!!" 

Zelda: Arr.! Forget it! 

*** 

(later, Link gets all the guys together) 

Link: I need a best man. 

DED: Ooh! Pick me! 

Link: Well, I don't think... 

DED: (Ki blasts ceiling) What was that...? 

Link: (hastily) You're perfect! Welcome aboard! 

DED: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhxelent... 

Link: Now I need a ring barer. 

Skull Kid: OOOOOOH! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!! 

Link: Whoa! Not bloody... 

Skull Kid: (interrupting) REALLY? I CAN? I'D LOVE TO! 

Mido: What do I get to be? 

Link: You are...umm...an alternative. If someone dies during the wedding, we'll call you! 

Mido: SWEET! 

Darunia: What about me? 

Link: Hmm...letssee...you can be...the...umm...official...rock...person. 

Darunia: Rock person? All right! 

Link: Everyone else just be guests. 

Ganondorf: What do guests do? 

Link: You eat little sandwiches and cake. 

Rauru: SWEET!!! 

(meanwhile) 

Zelda: All right, I need some bridesmaids. 

MD: OOOOHH!!! I WANNA BE A BRIDESMAID!!! PICK ME! 

Zelda: Hmmmmmm....I'll take...Nabooru. 

(Nabooru walks over to Zelda) 

MD: OOOH!!! ME! I WANNA DO IT! 

Zelda: Mmmmm...well....umm... 

MD: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! 

Zelda: I'll take Malon. 

MD: D'OH!!! 

Zelda: One more...one more...I just can't decide... 

MD: MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME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

Zelda: Hmm...after much consideration... 

MD: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! 

Zelda: *sighs* Well, I guess Misty'll have to do... 

MD: WHOOHOO!! (takes pistol and shoots into air) 

(later STILL) 

Link: Now we must go tuxedo-buying. 

Mido: Okay. 

(they arrive at Hyrulingdon Tailors) 

Link: Ok, measure me. 

Guy: 'K dude. 

Rauru: Oh boy! My turn! 

Guy: Hmmm...(gets out biggest tux) 

Rauru: Rather tight...(moves his arm, and entire suit explodes) 

Link: HIT THE DECK! 

Guy: (yells into back room) HEY VIC, YOU GOT ANY BLACK BED SHEETS? 

(meanwhile) 

Zelda: (puts on wedding gown) Is this good on me? 

Malon: Hon, it's _you_. 

Storekeeper lady: That's a tablecloth. 

Zelda: OOOOHHH!!! 

Malon: So that's why there's food on it. 

Zelda: (looks at something) 

SKL: (shakes head) That doesn't go with your eyes. 

Zelda: (looks at something else) 

SKL: (shakes head) That doesn't go with your hair. 

Zelda: (looks at something else) 

SKL: (shakes head) That's a dishrag. And it doesn't go with your nails. 

(Finally, everyone has clothes!) 

Link: Now we need a chapel or something. 

Zelda: (tales out book) Lessee... 

Link: (points at a picture) That looks nice. 

Zelda: That's dilapidated. 

Link: (points at a picture) That looks nice. 

Zelda: That's not even a church. 

Link: (points at a picture) That... 

Zelda: That's my house! 

Link: How about this? 

Zelda: The Temple of Time? Oh, what the hell. 

*** 

Link: Time to send the invitations! 

Zelda: How's this? 

~***~ 

You are cordially invited to join in the matrimonious coupling of the joining of the marriage of 

Link 

and 

Zelda 

On Septembuary Twentysixteenth in the Temple of Time 

Bring a gift and a dish 

We already got a Salad Shooter 

~***~ 

Link: Perfect! 

Zelda: Wait, do we have a Salad Shooter? 

Link: Umm... 

(And so, the day of THE ACTUAL BLESSED EVENT arrives!) 

Link: I'm ready. 

Zelda: I'm ready. 

Link: Are you ready? 

Zelda: I'm ready. 

Link: Good. 

Zelda: Good. 

Link: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! 

Zelda: What is it? 

Link: Is it too late to run away? 

Zelda: Yes. 

Link: Dang. 

(meanwhile) 

(everyone sits and Rauru, the clergy dude, comes in) 

Darunia: BRING ON "THE WHO!" 

Malon: Darunia! This is a wedding, not a rock concert! 

Darunia: Oh. 

(and the ceremony goes ON and ON and ON) 

Mido: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... 

Rauru: ...blah blah blah, to have and to hold, etc. etc. etc.? 

Link: Umm...lemmie think... 

Zelda: (glares) 

Link: Umm...I'd like to buy a vowel...no wait, I'll...um...ask the audience. 

Everyone: "I DO"!!!!! 

Link: Well...I think I'll go with "I do." 

Clergy Dude: And do you Zelda, yackety smackety blah blah blah? 

Zelda: Yup. 

Link: WHOOHOO!! (takes pistol and shoots into air) 

Darunia: THE WHO! THE WHO! 

Saria: SHUT UP! 

Rauau: By the powers vested in me by being the freakin' Sage of Light, I hereby pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. 

Link: WHOOHOO!! (takes pistol and shoots into air) 

Malon: Noticing a pattern here? 

(Link smooches...and smooches...and smooches) 

Zelda: Melph! Ihmm schuffachatinghh! 

Link: *Smooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooch* 

Zelda: *gurk* 

*thud* 

Link: Oops. 

Darunia: "TEENAGE WASTELAND"!!! 

Everyone: SHUT UP! 

Rauru: Someone revive the bride and we can start the reception. 

Zelda: *Gurgle...* 

(Later, everyone's eatin and lauffin', man, what the hell happened?) (sorry that's from "Walking on the Sun." Couldn't resist.) 

(Rauru eyes the wedding cake) 

Rauru: The coast is clear. 

(The theme from Mission Impossible plays) 

(Rauru opens his coat and takes out a case. He opens it and takes out three glass tubes. He sticks the three together.) 

Soundtrack: Dun, dun, dun-dun, dun, dun, dun-dun, dun, dun, dun-dun... 

(Rauru sticks the tube into the cake and sucks out the insides) 

Soundtrack: Da da da, da da da, da da da, da da... 

(Rauau carefully puts the tube away, straightens his tie and walks away) 

Zelda: Now I'm gonna throw the bouquet! 

Malon: Alright! Outta my way losers! 

M.D.: Like hell, wuss! 

Impa: Yeah, it's gonna be me! 

Nabooru: No, ME! 

Impa: ME! 

Malon: ME! 

M.D.: ME!!! 

(meanwhile, Zelda has already thrown the boquet and Ruto has caught it) 

Ruto: WHOOHOO!! (takes pistol and shoots into air) 

The others: WHAAAAAAAAA...??? 

Ruto: Yep, _I'm_ gonna get married next! (takes out a picture of Shamu from Sea-World) Soon, my sweet...soon... 

Link: Uhh, right. 

MD: Now for Dave's speech! 

Everyone: YEAH! SPEECH SPEECH SPEECH! 

(DED walks onstage with a thick notebook.) 

DED: Ahem. Ahem ahem ahem. Cough cough cough. Ahem. This is my speech. 

Zelda: Oooooookay... 

DED: This speech. That I have. That is to say it is mine. 

Mido: GET ON WITH IT! 

DED: Well then. Ahem. Ahem ahem cough. AH-FREAKIN'-EM!!! 

Everyone: SAY THE SPEECH!!! 

DED: Uhh, ok. Ahem. Four score and seven years ago...umm... uhh...A house devided cannot stand... 

Darunia: Wha? 

DED: Err...when in the course of human events it becomes nessacary...we the people... 

MD: He's just taken pieces of other people's scripts! 

DED: (sweating) Ahh...I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth...umm...a day that will live in imfamy... 

Everyone: BOOOO!!! (throws tomatos) 

DED: (ki blasts wall) 

Everyone: EEP! 

DED: Thank you, thank you. 

Zelda: Err, right. And now to present the band for tonight...."The Who!" 

Darunia: YES!!! 

Everyone else: *facefault* 

Pete Townshend: Hi everyone! 

Darunia: WHOOOOOO! 

Roger Daltrey: Hey, what's with the rock dude? 

John Entwistle: Dunno. 

(they play songs) 

Darunia: YEAH! (Holds up ciggarette lighter) 

Pete Townshend: TEENAGE WASTELAND!!! THEY'RE ALL WASTED!!! 

Darunia: Look at me! I'm in The Who! (jumps up on stage and grabs gutiar) DUNNA DUNNA DUNNA!! WHANG WHAM DANNA! (plays gutar horribly badly) 

Pete Townshend: Stop that! 

(Darunia starts smashing the gutiar) 

Rodger: Hey, those things cost money! 

(Darunia is subdued by bouncers) 

*** 

Everyone is ready to leave! 

Link: Oh boy! We're outta here! 

Zelda: Look out! 

Link: They're throwing rice! 

Everyone else: CONGRADULATIONS! HURRAH! YAY! AND OTHER EXCLAMATIONS TO THAT EFFECT! 

Zelda: Ow! Rice huuuuuurts! 

Link: Akk, it's in my ear! 

Zelda: Ow! I've got a grain in my eye!!! 

Link: Aaaaahhh! Slippery! (slips on rice and hits head) Oooooogh... 

(everything gets blurry and Link wakes up) 

Link: Wha...? 

DED: Hmm, he's awake. 

Link: Where am I? 

Mido: Why, you're in bed! 

Link: Then it was all a dream? A wonderful, wonderful dream? 

M.D.: Yep. Hilarious, too! 

Link: Eeh? 

Zelda: Yep, Misty used her dream analyzer deeley to analyze your dream! 

Ruto: And you dream about the most bizzare things! 

DED: Don't laugh now, fish girl, I've got _your_ dream too! 

Everyone: BWAAAH? YOU TAPED ALL OUR DREAMS? 

MD: Oh yes...ooh I feel maniacal laughter coming on... 

DED and MD: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

*** 

Dun Dun Dun! WHAT does this mean? WILL the next chapter be the dreams of everyone else? YOU bet your grandma's thimble it is! SO I WILL SEEITH YOU NEXT TIME!!! 

~DED   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	17. Part Seventeen: Dream Machine

Chapter XVIII: REVENGE OF THE DREAM MACHINE!!! or: Retpahc gniklat sdrawkcab eht! 

*** 

Remialcsid: Sretcarahc Adlez eht nwo t'nod I. Nuf si sdrawkcab gniklat! 

*** 

(immediately following part 18, everyone's sitting around) 

DED: Oh yes! (creepy British accent) We know all your secrets... 

MD: And we'll blackmail you with them no end! 

DED: WE? 

MD: You mean...(look of horror) YOU'VE GOT MY DREAM TOO??? 

DED: Yup. 

MD: Aw CRAP! 

And now for our first victim! (pulls name out of top hat) ZELDA! 

Zelda: EEEEP! 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Zelda's Dream: 

(Zelda is taking shower) 

Zelda: (singing) Conjunction junction, what's your function? 

(suddenly, Mido throws the shower curtains open) 

Zelda: EEEEEEEEEEK!!! (tries to cover herself) 

Mido: (eyes bulging) Eseehc ekil uoy od? 

Zelda: Wha? 

Mido: Eseehc ekil uoy od? Eseehc ekil uoy od? Eseehc ekil uoy od? 

Zelda: Ummm... 

Mido: Eseehc ekil I! Eseehc ekil uoy od? 

Zelda: What do you want from me? 

Mido: (starts writing "Eseehc ekil uoy od?" all over the bathroom walls)   
Eseehc ekil I! Eseehc ekil I! Hguoht reddehc ylno. Ssiws ekli t'nod I. Eseech htiw Sehciwndas Ztib Ztir esoht ekil I. Uoy tuoba woh? 

Zelda: (sees reflection of Eseehc ekil uoy od? in the mirror) OOOOOOOHHHHHHH! I get it! No, actually. Not really. 

Mido: Tahw??? Eseehc ekil t'nod uoy??? Uoy llik ll'I!!! 

Zelda: Uhh, yeah. Can I put on some clothes please? 

Mido: On! Eid tsum uoy! 

Zelda: What does that...OH NO! 

Mido: (head rotates 360 degrees) Red rum...red rum...RED RUM!!! (lunges, but   
slips off of Zelda's soapy body) 

Zelda: IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MIDO'S GONE INSANE AND IS TALKING BACKWARDS!!! 

(Link opens door of bathroom) 

Link: Oooooh! I REALLY GOTTA GO!!! 

Zelda: I'M NUDE AND MIDO IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!! 

Link: Umm…here's your bra…and I think I saw some hot pants in the other room…

Zelda: NO YOU RETARD! SAVE ME FROM MIDO!!! AND STOP STARING AT THOSE! 

Link: *stare stare stare* But I LOVE staring at hot pants!

Zelda: Ooooooooohhhhhh….

(Mido lunges at Link) 

Mido: (foaming at the mouth) Rehtie eseehc ekil t'nod uoy!!! Txen eid lliw uoy! 

Link: This looks like a job for...SOMEONE ELSE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! 

(runs away) 

Zelda: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (Mido stabs her back and the blood goes down the drain) 

*Zelda wakes up* 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Mido: Uhhhhhhhhhhh...(looks at Zelda) Do you always dream about me killing you? 

Zelda: It must have been those Pixie Stix I was snorting last night. 

Darunia: You can snort Pixie Stix? 

Zelda: Yeah! Just open the straw, stick up your nose and inhale deeply! 

Darunia: I GOTTA TRY THAT! (runs off) 

Zelda: *looking at Link* Hot pants?

Link: Heh heh heh…umm…

Zelda: Remind me not to let you dress me.

DED: Uhh...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, our next chosen one is...Rauru! 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Rauru's Dream 

(Rauru is in a restaurant, The camera pans around him. He holds a menu.) 

Rauru: (singing) Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... 

(he stands up holding the menu) 

Rauru: Show me the meanin' of being hungry... 

Music: Do do do....do do do do do do do do... 

Rauru:   
Lots of steak, filet mignion, chef's salad, with croutons   
Cognac and salmon, all well done, 

Ooooooh, Show me the meanin' of being hungry, so many choices,   
I can't decide now,   
Tell me why, I can't decide what to buy,   
There's something missing on the menu... 

Mido: (dressed as waiter) Kaets On! Eseehc Tsuj! 

Rauru: *understands* Ok, I'll have a cheese omelet. 

Mido: Ttelmo on! Eseehc tsuj! 

Rauru: All right all ready, I'll just have some cheese. 

Mido: Doog eseehc...Doog eseehc... 

Rauru: Geez. 

(more music) 

Rauru: (to BSB I want it that way)   
Tell me why, ain't nothin' but an entree,   
Tell me why, ain't nothin' but a creme broulee,   
Tell me why, I hear the matre'd say   
I'll cook it that way... 

(crouds cheer, girls scream) 

(Dream ends) 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Ruto: You dream about becoming a food-obsessed teen idol? 

Rauru: You mean you don't? 

Mido: Why the heck are you also dreaming about me talking backwards??? 

Zelda: Remember, I'm highly suceptable to prophetic dreams. 

Mido: So you foresee me stabbing you in the shower? 

Zelda: Umm...I guess... 

Mido: Wow! I NEVER would have suspected ME! I must be a criminal mastermind! I vow to track me down and bring me to justice! (looks in a mirror) AAAAHHH!!! THERE I AM!!! (starts punching himself into submission)

Gannondorf: Yeah…you do that…

Rauru: But that still doesn't explain…

Zelda: I think I transferred my thoughts to Rauru. 

Link: So THAT'S what it meant the time I dreamed I was doing the nasty with... 

Zelda: YES LINK THAT'S VERY NICE!!! 

DED: (jotting down in notebook) Heheheheheheh...let the blackmail begin! 

Everyone: D'OH!!! 

DED: Now then...how about...(picks name) Darunia! 

Darunia: Yay! I mean...OH NOOOOO!!! *sneezes, and colored sugar comes out of his nose*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Darunia's Dream

(Darunia is sitting on the top of Death Mountain)

Darunia: …………

(Darunia keeps sitting)

Darunia: …………

(Darunia picks up a rock)

Darunia:…………

(Darunia eats the rock)

Darunia: *munch* …………good.

(Darunia sits again)

Darunia: …………

Dream ends

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

DED: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Malon: You dream about ROCKS??

Darunia: Well, when you put it that way…yes.

MD: Umm, let's try someone more interesting.

DED: *draws* It's the Skull Kid!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Skull Kid's Dream:

(Skull Kid is wearing a sports jacket. He's standing in the middle of the Lost Woods with a pointer and a graph.)

Skull Kid: (speaking in a monotone without pause) so as you can see the trend downward has yielded decreased stock options however increasing market shares promise to bring higher return as shown in slide 257 here…

***SOME TIME LATER***

Skull Kid: …and in conclusion there is a bright future for this company and a happy though challenging fiscal year ahead.

Dream ends

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

DED: *open-mouthed*

MD: *open-mouthed*

Link: THAT'S what you DREAM ABOUT?

Skull Kid: ARRRRGGGG!!!! IIIIIIMMMMM LOOOOOOOOSSSSING MY CAAAAAAAAPPPPPIIIITTTAAALLLSSSS!!!!

Everyone: Wha?

Skull Kid: I CaN'T BelIvE I DreAmeD SUch a BoRiNg dream…ieeeeeeeee!

Nabooru: Quick! Do something!

Malon: *smacks the Skull Kid*

Skull Kid: OW! THANK YOU! WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP! *does a backflip*

DED: Right then, let's find out what…*draws name* Malon dreams about!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Malon's Dream:

(Malon is standing on Lon Lon Ranch)

Malon: *sings her song* Laa dee daa…hey, what are the lyrics to that song?

Link: *entering farm* How about, "Pickled beets, pickled beets, pickled beets beets beets…"

Rauru: *entering farm* OOOOH! WHERE?!? *runs off*

Link: *takes out bowl of pickled beets* Heh heh heh…you're mine now, my babies…

Rauru: *Leaps from the top of the barn* Ah ha! (Lands on Link, crushing him. Takes beets)

Malon: Umm, right.

Impa: (appearing) I think the lyrics are, "I'm too sexy, I'm too sexy, I'm too sexy for my car…"

Malon: Well…naah. I don't have a car.

Shiek: (appearing in a flash from an Deku Nut) How about: "Mido sucks, Mido sucks, He's a stuck-up jerk…"

Malon: Well, it has a certain appeal to it…

Mido: Pu tuhs! Dab os ton m'I!

Malon: AAAAAAH!!! HE'S TALKING BACKWARDS!!!

The Thigh-Slapping Bank Dude: No!!! It should be, "Make deposit, make deposit, give me lots of cash!"

Link: (covered with bandages and casts) Why are you so obsessed with me making deposits?

TSBD: Let's just say that the more you give me, the more I get to spend.

Link: WHAT???

TSBD: Err, I mean, when you give me money, I steal it. No, wait…

Link: KISSSAAAMA!!!! (chases TSBD around in circles around farm)

Malon: Well, I think we've all learned a valuable lesson. 

Rauru: (face covered with beet juice) Yeah! Pickled beets are yummy!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

DED: Err…riiiiiiiight…

Malon: Hmm…I liked the Mido one…

Mido: WHY AM I TALKING BACKWARDS???

MD: Umm…

Link: Well, I DO like pickled beets…

Rauru: PICKLED BEETS??? WHERE??? (runs off again)

DED: Umm…moving along…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Saria's Dream

(Saria is standing on a stage.)

Saria: Ahem. "I thjink that I will njever sjee, a pjoem loveljy as a trjee…"

Mido: (in audience) What?

Saria: Err…umm…wait…"I wjandered ljonely as a cljoud…"

Mido: What's with the J's?

Saria: I djon't knjow!!! AAAAAAAJAAAAAAAJAAAAAHHJHHHHJHHH!!!

Mido: BOOOOO!!!!

Saria Sjut ujp!!! (runs crying off the stage)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

DED: Whoa.

MD: Whoa.

Impa: Weird.

Saria: I remember that! Thjat was so trjaumatizing!

Malon: Uh oh…

Saria: OH NJO!!! (runs off crying again)

DED: Huh. Well, anyway…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ruto's Dream:

(Ruto is sitting in the Zora realm)

Ruto: Sigh…

Mikau: How many fish can you eat at one time?

Ruto: I dunno…

Mikau: Come on. Tell me.

Ruto: Umm…five?

Mikau: Bah. I can eat at least twenty!

Ruto: WHAT??? No way can you eat twenty fish!

Mikau: Wanna bet? 

Ruto: Fine! You're on!

(Mikau grabs fistful of fish and shoves them into his mouth)

Ruto: Gross!

Mikau: Glurff schlaff glrump!

Ruto: Come again? 

Mikau: Glurff. Schlarff. Glrump.

Ruto: Oh.

Mikau: (Swallows fish)

Ruto: Wow.

Mikau: Now you try. 

Ruto: (Shoves fish in her mouth but they start coming out of her nose)

Mikau: EWWW!!!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

DED: Oooooooookaaaaaaaay…right then.

MD: That was just plain weird.

Ruto: Umm…yeah. I agree.

DED: Now then, lessee…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

MISTY DAWN'S DREAM!!!

(MD is standing in front of a door)

MD: (turns knob) 

Link: DON'T GO INTO THE BASEMENT!!!

MD: I'm not. This is the bathroom.

Link: DON'T GO INTO THE BATHROOM EITHER!!!

MD: But I gotta PEE!!!

Link: DON'T GO INTO THE GARAGE OR THE ATTIC!!!

MD: Why?

Link: Well. I never thought of that.

MD: (goes into bathroom) IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! (falls down mine shaft)

Link: Oh riiiiiiight…(looks up)

MD: …eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! (falls out of hole in the ceiling)

Link: Well that was strange…

MD: WHOOOO!!! DO IT AGAIN!!! (runs back into the bathroom)

Link: Eh?

MD: IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…eeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! (comes back out of the hole in the ceiling)

Link: I forgot to tell you, I refitted your house to be one of those McDonald's play-place deelies.

MD: COOL! (runs into the garage)

Link: No! DON'T GO IN THE GARAGE!!!

MD: Why?

Link: THAT'S WHERE THE BALL PIT IS!!!

MD: YAY!!! (dives into the ball pit)

Link: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! DOOOOOON'T DOOOOOO ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!

MD: (swimming around in the ball pit) DUDE! Come on in!

Link: Meh…you only live once…(jumps in)

MD: BALL-POOL PARTY!!! WHOOOOO!!! (snaps her fingers and is in her swimsuit) COOL! I DIDN'T THINK THAT WOULD WORK!

(garage door opens and everyone comes in)

DED: WOOOOO WOOOOO WOOOOO WOOOOOOO!!! (throws plastic ball at MD)

MD: YARR!!! YE SHALLWALK THE PLANK FOR THAT!!! (throws ball at DED)

DED: BAAAAAAAAL FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!

(all the Zelda chars get on sides and throw balls at each other)

Zelda: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! DIE!!!

Malon: Why you little…*thwonk* OWWW!!! OFFICER DOWN! OFFICER DOWN!

Impa: Ha ha ha ha!!! *thwonk* Ow!

Link: INCOMING!!! (humongous explosion of balls)

Rauru: HAHAHA! Feel the wrath of the ball-mortar!

Everyone: What?

Rauru: I just stuffed a bunch of balls in someone's shirt and threw it at you guys.

Saria: THAT WAS MY SHIRT!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEK!!! (dives beneath balls, shamed)

MD: WHEEEE!! ONCE YOU POP THE FUN DON'T STOP!!! *wonk!* Ooof…getting' dizzy…(MD passes out)

Dream Ends

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

DED: Cool!

MD: I WANNA HAVE THAT HOUSE!!!

Malon: DED, can we get a house like that?

Everyone: C'mon can we can we can we can we can we can we can we can we?

DED: Umm…

Everyone: Can we get a fun house? Can we get a fun house? Can we get a fun house? Can we get a fun house? Can we get a fun house? Can we get a fun house? Can we get a fun house? Can we get a fun house?

DED: I'll think about it.

Everyone: YAY!!!

Saria: Waaaaait…if I know adults, that means, "No, but I'll let you linger for a while before breaking your dreams!"

Everyone: AWWWWWWWW!!! 

DED: No! I will! Really!

Everyone: Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? 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Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house? Why can't we get a fun house?

DED: ALL RIGHT FINE!!! *uses author magik* It's in Hyrule Field! You can have it! Just go! Just STOP BUGGING ME!!!

Everyone: YAY!!! (runs off into Hyrule Field)

DED: But who will watch the dreams with me? Bah, I'll just watch them me'self. (spools little old-fashioned movie reel) Aww! That's all on Reel One! 

Everyone: (suddenly appearing next to DED) Reel ONE???

DED: WE'RE ONLY HALF DONE WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Everyone: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!!!

Link: I love doing that…

***

MORE DREAMS! MORE! MORE! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

~DED


	18. Part Eighteen: Containment 1

Airw/zac 

***   
Part Nineteen: Containment: Reality Television Has Come Home 

*** 

(Everybuddy's watchin' TV) 

TV: We'll be back to Dora the Explorer after these messages. 

Ganondorf: WHOOHOO! I mean... 

Link: This is so pathetic. 

Mido: Can we watch something else? 

Rauru: NeeyEEEEEssssssss, cEEEEEEEEEErtainly! 

DED: Rauru, DON'T TALK LIKE THAT CREEPY BUTLER DUDE FROM THE SIMPSONS!!! 

Rauru: No can dUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUe! I had a strOOOOOOOOOOke! 

MD: Anyway...(changes channel) 

**Manly Announcer Voice: Containment. The shocking new series that dares to ask the question, "What would happen if twelve popular video game characters and two mentally disturbed authors were trapped in a one-story, one-bathroom house on a remote jungle island in the South Pacific?"**

Malon: Popular video game characters? 

DED: Mentally disturbed authors? 

MD: One bathroom? 

**Announcer: Witness raw fear...******

**(screen shows darkened room)******

**Princess Peach: Mega Man? Mega Man? Is that you? IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!******

**Announcer: ...pain...******

**(screen shows Diddy Kong, looking hollow-eyed and mangey)******

**Diddy Kong: PLEASE LET ME DIE!!! I DON'T WANT THE MONEY ANYMORE!!!******

**Announcer: ...joy...******

**(screen shows smiling host-looking guy and Jallele and Orla, wearing loincloths and holding crude clubs)******

**Host: Congratulations! You've won Containment!******

**Jallele and Orla: EEEEEEEE!!! EEEEEEEEEEEE!!! EEEEEEEE!!! OHH OOH OOH!!! (throw sticks)******

**Announcer: ...and the chance for one lucky contestant to win a WHOLE SCHNIZZLE-LOAD OF RUPEES!!!******

Everyone: Ohhhh...ahhhhhh...schnizzle...****

**(screen shows a dump truck full of Rupees labled "Schnizzle-Load" dumping Rupees on Banjo and Kazooie)******

**Kazoie: Yay! Yahoo!******

**Banjo: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! *muffled*******

**Announcer: COULD THIS BE YOU? CALL 1-800-ONLYARETARDWOULDCALLTHISNUMBER NOW!!! Containment: Reality Television Has Come Home. (very quickly) Management not responsible for loss of belongings, sanity, virginity, life, or immortal soul.**

Everyone: ::looks at each other:: YAAAAAAAAY!!! 

Mido: May I remind you that the LAST time we entered a TV contest we all got the crap scared out of us, and the LAST time we were all locked together we all went completely insane? 

Everyone: ::looks at Mido:: 

Skull Kid: DOES ANYONE CARE WHAT MIDO THINKS? 

Everyone: NO! 

Mido: ...yes...? 

DED: SO IT'S SETTLED!!! 

Ruto: WE'RE GOIN' FOR THE SCHNIZZLE-LOAD!!! 

Impa: WE'RE STEPPIN' OUT! 

Nabooru: WE'RE COMIN' UP! 

Zelda: WE'RE GIVIN' 110 PUR-CENT! 

DED: THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE! 100 PERCENT IS THE MOST THAT ANYONE CAN GIVE! 

Malon: WE'RE REACHIN' FOR THE STARS! 

Saria: WE'RE WORKIN' AT THE CAR WASH! CAR WASH YEAH! 

Rauru: NEEYEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS! 

Everyone: CUT IT OUT! 

Link: WE'RE GOING FOR THE GOLD! 

Ganondorf: WE'RE MAKING A LIST! CHECKIN' IT TWICE! 

MD: We're DIALING THE FREAKIN' NUMBER!!! 

Ganondorf: Oh...right... 

MD: Lessee...1...800...O...N...LY...A...RET...ARDWO...ULD...CALLTHISN...UMB...ER. There! 

*Ring! Ring! Freakin' azz ring!* 

Person on other end: Uhh, like, hi or whatever. 

DED: *taking phone* Hi, We'd like to enter Containment. 

Person: Like, names and ages? 

DED: There's Link Hewhoshallnotbenamed, he's 17, there's Zelda Rodshovedupass, she's 17, there's Rauru Imthekickasssageoflight, he's...uhh...564... 

MD: *on other phone* There's Impa Shadowperson, she's 47, there's Nabooru Gerudogrrrl, she's 19, there's Mido Stuckupdickhole, he's 10, there's Darunia Excruciatinglyboring, he's 350... 

DED: There's Ruto Phishythingy, she's 17, there's...Hitokire...Justcallhimskullkid, he's 10, There's Ganondorf Wherethehelldiddragmirecomefrom, he's 43, there's Saria Freakyhair, she's 10, and there's Malon Shutupthesingingbeforeismashyourheadin, she's 17. 

Person: ::as though writing down:: ...smash...your...head...in. Right. And the requise two mentally disturbed authors? 

DED and MD: (nod to each other) 

Person: Well? Where are they? 

DED and MD (in unison, with creepy, alien-possessed zombie voice): They-are-closer-than-you-think... 

Person: GAAH! DON'T DO THAT! 

Rauru: What about talking like thIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEssssss? 

DED and MD: SHUT UP! 

Person: ::freaking out:: Ok, ok, you more than exceed the requirements! I'll get you on the show if you hang up right now! 

DED and MD: I'm-afraid-it-is-too-late-for-that... 

Person: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ::sound of phone dropping to the floor:: hhhhhhhh::sounds of running footsteps:: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ::fades into the distance:: 

DED: ::hangs up:: *sigh* I love doing that... 

MD: *sigh* 

DED: Wait...he didn't tell us the rules! 

MD: D'OH! 

DED: *grumble grumble* (hits redail) 

Phone: 1800ONLYARETARDWOULDCALLTHISNUMBER... 

Different Person: Umm, like, hello and stuff. 

DED: Look, we need the contest rules now... 

DED and MD: Or-we-will-be-forced-to-terminate-your-opertions... 

Person: Ok! Ok! Don't hurt me! 

DED and MD: Ex-ell-ent... 

Person: Ok...you can bring one personal item, clothes, and nothing else. Tonight at midnight a plane will land in Hyrule Field. Get on it with your stuff. 

DED: Okies. 

MD: Absitively. 

Person: Then...perpare yourselves. 

DED: Riiight. 

Person: And remember, there will be cameras everywhere. 

MD: Everywhere? 

Person: Everywhere. Oh, and you'll be watched by millions and millions of people. 

DED: Millions? 

Person: Mmmmmmmmmilllllllllllllions! Oh, and TV Guide's What's "Hot and What's Not". 

MD: Really? 

Person: Really. And they've used up all the "Hots." No pressure. 

DED and MD: Gah gah gah gah gah gah... 

Person: Weeeeeeeell...see...you...later................ 

DED and MD: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! (slam) 

DED: Man, he's GOOD! 

MD: Uhh...let's keep this our little secret, 'k? 

DED: Deal! 

MD: *to Zelda characters* Guess what everyone! 

DED: We're on the show! 

MD: And it'll be totally safe! 

DED: And no hidden cameras everywhere! 

MD: And its all gonna be fun! 

DED: And TV Guide isn't out of "Hots!" 

MD: *smack* 

DED Owie... 

Zelda characters: *look at each other suspiciously* ::pause:: YAY!!! 

Link: Let's get packin'! 

*** 

WHAT THEY BRING: 

DED: Walkman and his CD bucket 

MD: Boom box and her CD jar 

Link: Pink bunny slippers 

Zelda: Fan 

Skull Kid: Strobe light 

Malon: Brass knuckles 

Impa: Whistle 

Nabooru: Deck of cards 

Rauru: His lucky gorging spork 

Saria: Ball of twine 

Mido: Yo-yo 

Ruto: Water gun 

Darunia: Rock bicycle 

Ganondorf: Dehumidifier 

*** 

Later that night, in Hyrule Field... 

Link: So what'd you guys bring? 

Skull Kid: (Dancing in the field with his strobe light and Misty's boom box) EH? 

Mido: A strobe light? 

Skull Kid: YEP! (singing along with music) Y'ALL READY FOR THIS? DA NAA NAA NA NA NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA-NA NA! NA NA NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA! (does 80's techno dance) 

Rauru: Waaait a minute...how are you playing... 

Skull Kid: DID I MENTION I BROUGHT A NUCLEAR GENERATOR? (steps aside to reveal metal box with wires coming out of it to the boom box and strobe light) 

(the strobe light flashes dimmer and the music slows down) 

Skull Kid: WHOOPS! (pulls plutonium rod out of back pocket) DUM DEE DOO...(opens nuclear generator. Green light pours out. Puts plutonium rod into generator and closes it.) ALL BETTER! 

(Music comes back on) 

Skull Kid: NANANANANANANANA NA NA NA NA-NA NA-NA NA NA NA!!! 

Everyone: ............ 

Mido: Anyway...I brought my yo-yo. 

Zelda: How will that help? 

Mido: Did anyone bring a shaving kit? 

Link: Uhh, yeah...here. 

Mido: (rummages through bag) Here we go. (Sticks razorblades on yo-yo) Now we can hunt game! 

DED: Uhh...I guess so... 

Mido: Isn't not I a genius? 

Impa: Well, I brought a whistle. 

Nabooru: Why's that? 

Impa: No reason, it's just fun! TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET! 

Nabooru: Oh croikey...what do you have, Saria? 

Saria: I got...lesse...a ball of twine. 

Ganondorf: Oh, that'll help. 

Saria: It will! Just you wait and see! 

Ruto: Yeah! What did YOU bring? 

Ganondorf: A dehumidifier? 

Malon: Wha? 

Ganondorf: What? I don't like humidity! 

Zelda: You could just have brought a fan like me! 

Ganondorf: Oh yeah? Does your fan extend the life of photographs? Does it keep food fresher? 

Zelda: No, it keeps me from dying of heatstroke. 

Ganondorf: Umm... 

Darunia: I brought my bike. 

Link: YOU car ride a bike? You'd bend it like a paperclip! 

Darunia: Not THIS bike! (takes out bike. It's made of rock: rock seat, rock gears, rock chain, rock wheels...) 

Link: Dude, how will we carry it? 

Darunia: I got it! (starts riding his bike. He goes about .000000000000000001 miles an hour) Grunt! Gurrk! Rrrrrrrk! Huff, puff! 

Link: Whatever...I took along my bunny slippers. They're fuzzy. 

Ganondorf: Bunny slippers? 

Link: Well when you get frostbite on your toes and we have to amputate, don't come crying to me! 

DED: You can't get frostbite in the South Pacific, stupid. 

Link: Oh. 

Rauru: I have with me the sacred spork of devouring. Spork, protect me... 

DED: Riiiiiiiiight. 

(Suddenly, there is a low rumbling noise. A set of lights appear in the horizon. The rumbling gets louder.) 

MD: Ohhhh... 

Link: Ohhhhh... 

Ruto: Ohhhhh... 

Darunia: (biting his bike) Mmm mmm, that's good bicycle...oh, and Oooooh... 

(a plane lands in Hyrule Field. Everyone gets on) 

DED: Hmm. Pretty cushy. 

MD: Hey, who's flying? 

(Robot opens cabin door) 

Robot (Steven Hawkings voice): Gree-tings. I am your pi-lot for to-day. Please take your seats and we will be-gin our flight to the location of Containment...whirr. 

MD: Creepy...but all right. 

(everyone sits and the plane takes off) 

Robot voice over intercom: From this point for-ward you will have no outside con-tact with hu-mans. 

Link: That's kinda creepy...but...schnizzle-load! 

TV screen in plane: That's right, you al will get your share of the schnizzle-load of Rupees...if you make it out alive! 

Everyone: Alive??? 

Screen: (showing the host) That's right. Now, this is being broadcast live to miiiiiiilllllllions and millllllions of people. How do you feel? 

Link: Umm...my ears are popping... 

Host: Thaaaaat's great. Anyway, let's explain to all the miiiiiiillllllllllions of people out there how this contest works. 

Mido: SHOULDN'T WE HAVE FOUND THAT OUT EARLIER??? 

Host: Ha ha ha! Kids say the darndest things. Anyhoo, this plane will be *hem* _arriving_ at the island in a few hours. You can have everything in the cargo hold that survives the *hem* _landing_. This includes blankets, sleeping bags, toilet paper, toothbrushes, and a small quantity of some premium foods and drinks. You will remain on this island for three months. If you all survive this experience, you will win the SCHNIZZLE-LOAD OF RUPEES! 

(screen shows an oversized measuring cup underneath a giant faucet that is pouring out Rupees. The faucet fills the measuring cup up to "One Schnizzle") 

Everyone: YAY!! 

Announcer: And if anyone doesn't survive, we get all your worldly possessions! 

Everyone: ...yay...? 

Host: Now then, sit back and...ENJOY YOUR FLIGHT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh wait, you have to press _this_ button. (click) 

(screen goes black) 

::pause:: 

Impa: That's...slightly disturbing... 

Ruto: Is it me or did I detect a trace of malicious intent in his voice? 

Malon: Bah. It's probably nothing. 

::SOME TIME LATER:: 

Skull Kid: (has stolen DED's Walkman and his legendary CD bucket, and is listening while singing along annoyingly off-key) To tha young R to tha E tha B to tha E tha L, never give up just live up, fed upon America, we be spittin' it up, rippin' it up, for an even amount in each cup... 

DED: (takes off headphones) Skull Kid, can you be quieter? 

Skull Kid: CAN DO! (sings quietly but loud enough to be annoying) Mic Check, ha, ha ha! I be the anti-myth rhythm rock shocka! Welcome down with the warrior sound off! 

Everyone: ARRGG!!! 

Skull Kid: (quietly) Crawl with me into tomorrow, or Ill drag you to your grave, I'm deep inside your children they'll betray you in my name! Hey! Hey! SLEEP NOW IN THE FIRE!!! 

Everyone: SKULL KID!!! 

Skull Kid: OH. RIGHT. (quietly) I am the Nina, The Pinta, The Santa Maria, the noose and the rapist, the fields overseer, the agents of orange, the priests of Hiroshima, the cost of my desire, Sleep now in the fire!!! YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! 

Malon: (shoves little flight pillow into Skull Kid's mouth) There. Problem solved. 

Skull Kid: (swallows pillow) FEEL THE FUNK BLAST! YO YO YO YO YO YO CHECK IT OUT YO! I BE WALKIN' GOD LIKE A DOG, MY NARRITIVE, FEARLESS! 

Mido: (tries to strangle himself with his yo-yo) 

Skull Kid: This ain't subliminal, feel the critical mass approach horizon, tha pulse of the condemned sound off Americas demise, tha anti-myth rhythm rock shocker yes I spit fire hope lies in the smoldering rubble of empires... 

DED: (smashes Walkman with suitcase) 

Skull Kid: (keeps singing) WHATCHA SAY WHATCHA SAY WHATCHA SAY WHAT??? CALM LIKE A BOMB!!! 

DED: (Smashes Skull Kid's head with suitcase) 

Skull Kid: ...there's a right to obey...there's a right to kill...ooog...(passes out) 

Everyone: WHOOHOO!!! (confetti falls out of cieling) 

MD: Bravo! (pops champagine cork) 

DED: A toast! (all the Zelda characters raise glasses) To Skull Kid's unconsciousness! 

Everyone: HEAR HEAR! 

Link: Wait. He SWALLOWED a PILLOW? (scrolls up a bit) CROIKEY! 

Everyone: Meh. 

Rauru: Is there by any chance a MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAL on this flight? 

Link: Uh huh. Sure. Just go into the kitchen and make yourself a meal. 

Rauru: NEEYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS! (waddles into the cabin)   
Lessee…Ooh! A backpack! It must have a lunchbox in it! (opens backpack. A parachute is inside.) Mmmmmm! Parachute! (starts gnawing on parachute until he's chewed a bunch of holes in it)   
::STILL LATER:: 

MD: (Asleep on DED'S shoulder) Zzzzzzz…gurgle…drool… 

DED: Uhh…Misty…you're…drooling on my leather jacket…it's kinda…expensive… 

MD: Glurk… 

DED: Misty? Wake up! 

MD: Snort… 

DED: MISTY! 

MD: Slurp… 

DED: MIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSTTTTYYYYYYY WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPP!!! 

MD: Grunt… 

DED: *sigh* 

MD: GGAAAAAHHH!!! 

DED: Huh? 

MD: DON'T DO THAT!!! 

DED: DO WHAT? 

MD: SIGH SO LOUD!!! 

DED: Uhh, right… 

Mido: (playing with his yo-yo) Ziiiiip…Ow! Ziiiiiiiip…Ow! Ziiiiiiip…Ow! 

Malon: Maybe you should take the razorblades off. 

Mido: I stand by my decision! Ziiiiiip…Ow! 

MD: *sigh* You got any CD's? Very loud CD's? 

DED: Umm, I kinda smashed my Walkman… 

MD: We'll use the boom box. 

Skull Kid: TAKE MY STROBE LIGHT TOO!!! 

DED: YOU'RE AWAKE AGAIN??? 

Skull Kid: THAT BE VERILY TRUE! 

DED: *sigh* Whatever…(plugs in Misty's boom box into Skull Kid's atomic pile) 

Link: What will you play? 

Zelda: Anything but Rage Against the Machine… 

DED: Umm…well…here. (Hands Zelda earplugs) 

Zelda: Groan! 

DED: WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE SKULL KID SING IT? 

Skull Kid: WE FOUND YOUR WEAKNESS! AND IT'S RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR, NOW TESTIFY!!! 

DED: I'M PLAYING IT!!! 

Skull Kid: OH. 

DED: (puts it on Calm Like a Bomb) Heh…FREESTYLE PARODY CONTEST! 

MD: Contest??? 

DED: (to the tune of Calm Like a Bomb) 

**I be walkin' Xing until nix,**   
**My biography fearless**   
**I be writing without a care**   
**Involved, alone, and peerless**   
**Forged from tha furnace**   
**I was born to madness**   
**This is tha fanfiction**   
**Born of the mind of one******

**Browse through tha section**   
**and the server's remains**   
**Same authors get deleted**   
**But with different pen names**   
**Tha reviewers blastin' everything**   
**Write nothing but flames**   
**Pick a fic from the list**   
**Yet the content's the same******

**There's a flame and a shot, a mail and server bot**   
**A file and a folder, an MST caught**   
**There's a rebel rock author**   
**A fic to upload**   
**A blood oath of service**   
**An account and a code******

**And the author be the voice of the unwritten******

**Whatcha say whatcha say whatcha say what?**   
**Calm like a ROM******

**This ain't fictional**   
**Feel the server overload on the horizon**   
**Tha flow of the circuits**   
**Sound off Fanfiction.Net's demise**   
**Tha anti-flame random rock author**   
**Yes I snuff fires,**   
**Scrub authors decaying once-mighty empires******

**Yes, back through tha section**   
**And the server's remains**   
**Same authors get deleted (uh huh)**   
**But with different pen names (uh huh)**   
**Tha reviewers blastin' everything**   
**Write nothing but flames**   
**Write a fic and upload**   
**Yes the content's the same******

**There's a page full of nothing**   
**Some romance some angst**   
**There's a garbled transmission**   
**Tha clogged databank**   
**There's a click, a phone, a number's dial tone,**   
**And the glowing screen that be feelin' like home******

**And tha author be tha voice of the unwritten******

**Whatcha say whatcha say whatcha say what?**   
**Calm like a ROM******

**There's a tale without readers**   
**There's a new bit of news**   
**There's a blue colored link that reads 0 reviews**   
**There's an author that speaks out and preaches what's true**   
**There's a right to repress**   
**And there's a right to renew**

Everyone: WHOOOO!!! 

Darunia: Well delivered! 

MD: NOW IT'S MY TURN! NEXT TRACK! 

DED: I'm SO scared. 

MD: (to the tune of Mic Check) 

**Aw wait a minute now**   
**Ha ha ha******

**I be tha young A to the U-T-H, to tha O ta R**   
**Got a reputation to live up**   
**Wrote my own fanfiction**   
**Now they're rippin' me off**   
**Tippin' me off**   
**To administration so I'm flippin' them off**   
**To my readers out there don't stop,**   
**Just 'cause someone put you down**   
**Just tell 'em off**   
**Who's writing till midnight just ta keep his fics up**   
**Now is getting buried in tha masses a' junk******

**Spell check? Ha ha ha**   
**I be the anti-flame random rock author******

**Flexin' and typing**   
**Many lines of text**   
**Fast in a fashion**   
**That keeps 'em guessing what's next**   
**You just can't look away**   
**Just like a train wreck**   
**Huh, I be tha author that no one can catch**   
**Yes, I be tha fire of the author's voice**   
**Nameless hundreds fighting for notice**   
**Tha brilliant but reviewless**   
**Tha stupid and clueless**   
**They hawk their shit**   
**And fuck us up for this******

**Spell check? Ha ha ha**   
**I be the anti-flame random rock author******

**Comin' down, Zelda authors sound off******

**With this word process I spin fanfiction**   
**The crap they post shoves it offa page one**   
**They turn my reviews to a conflagration**   
**Tha write, tha reader or decayed section?**   
**Administrators who delete all your best works?**   
**Or tha raw writing spirit that goes berserk?**   
**Tha scrub who's free to post a load of crap?**   
**Or tha author who makes a stand and sends it back?******

**Spell check? Ha ha ha**   
**I be the anit-flame random rock author**

Everyone: Hoot! Holler! 

Malon: Very clever. 

Ganondorf: But you STILL HAVEN'T SEEN MINE! (to the tune of Guerilla Radio) 

**Transmission second Hyrule war 'nother round**   
**An eternity trapped of the relm below ground**   
**Ain't no protection if you're looking for hide**   
**I take shots at brutal genocide**   
**As the darkness close like a casket**   
**All you know devoured**   
**A violent force and the dark and evil power**   
**A violent destructive tide**   
**The Goddess' eye, my face disguised**   
**I shall ravage the land in blazes and toil**   
**The hero will parish in blood and turmoil**   
**A violent destructive tide**   
**I'll grip the land and destroy the righteous**   
**The power insane my terror campaign**   
**Who ravaged the banks**   
**Slaughtered the army ranks**   
**More for 'Dorf and the son of Gerudo lord**   
**None of the above fuck it slice the sword******

**Lights out Hylian radio**   
**Turn this shit off**   
**Lights out Hylian radio**   
**Turn this shit off**   
** Lights out Hylian radio**   
**Turn this shit off******

**Contact I highjack the Triforces**   
**Lockin' me up here**   
**You die Princess Z**   
**Way past the days of that Kokori's mc's**   
**Sound off Ganondorf be free**   
**Who got the Triforce of Power inside?**   
**All you damn Sages know my style was vile**   
**An army of solders couldn't stop my trial**   
**Now there all out of time 'cause it's evil's redial******

**Lights out Hylian radio**   
**Turn this shit off**   
**Lights out Hylian radio**   
**Turn this shit off**   
**Lights out Hylian radio**   
**Turn this shit off******

**It's gonna start somewhere**   
**It's gonna to start sometime**   
**What better place than here**   
**What better time than now******

**Sacred Relm can't stop us now**

Everyone: BOO! HISS! 

G-Dorf: What? 

Everyone: IT STINKS! 

G-Dorf: (hangs head in shame) 

Impa: Hey look everyone! We're over the island! 

*** 

NEXT EPISODE: 

"All right everyone, GRAB SOME FLAB!!!" 

"We've been here for one day and you're ALREADY getting' yo freak on?" 

"I TOLD you the twine would come in handy!"   
  



	19. Part Nineteen: Containment 2

Airw/zac 

***

Part XX: Containment, part 2

***

A/N: NUMBER TWENTY YO!!!

***

Last episode of Containment: 

"WE'RE GOIN' FOR THE SCHNIZZLE-LOAD!!!"

"Y'ALL READY FOR THIS? DA NAA NAA NA NA NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA-NA NA! NA NA NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA!"

"This is being broadcast live to miiiiiiilllllllions and millllllions of people. How do you feel?"  
  


"FREESTYLE PARODY CONTEST!"  
  


"Hey look everyone! We're over the island!"

***

Impa: Hey look everyone! We're over the island!  
  
DED: Wait…how are we going to land on this tiny island…

Everyone: ::looks at each other::

Robot: (opening airplane door) Time for this pig to fly… (jumps out of door)

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(meanwhile)

Robot: (pulls parachute cord. The parachute Rauru was eating pops out) Uh oh…

(meanwhile)

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Malon: WHAT DO WE DO WHAT DO WE DO WHAT DO WE DO WHAT DO WE DO?

Rauru: BE NOT AFRAID! BE…VERY… NOT AFRAID… 

Everyone: HUH?

Rauru: All right everyone, GRAB SOME FLAB!!!

SFX: Squish squish squish squish…

Everyone: EEEWWW!!!

Link: Ruto, grab on!

Ruto: Bah! Zora can jump from ANY height! (dons Red Baron-esque flight goggles) So long, suckerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!! (jumps out door)

Link: Um…yeah…

Rauru: Spork, protect me…BAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNZZZZAAAAAAAAIIIIIII!!!

(charges door and smashes through wall)

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *gasp*  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *gasp* HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(Rauru's flab heats up and bursts into flame)

Everyone: RAURU YOU'RE ON FIRE!!!

Rauru:  EH? AHHHHHH!!! MY PRECIOUS FAT WADS!!!

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Ruto: (passing by) YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *gasp* HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

*sfx*

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!

(Meanwhile, In Japan)

Japanese Scientist: (subtitled) Oh no! What mighty shockwaves! (mouth keeps moving)

Other Japanese Scientist: TSUNAMI!!! 

(scene shows downtown Tokyo under the shadow of a looming tidal wave)

Man: (Subtitled) We are surely doomed!

Woman: (Subtitled) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(Meanwhile, back in the ocean, the water level is very low. Fish are flopping on the ocean floor.)

Rauru: Hmmm. Uhh…

Ruto: (falling out of the sky) SSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII*THUD*

Everyone: GASP GASP GASP GASP…

Rauru: Wait a minute. Where'd all the water go?

Everyone: *gulp*

SFX: Low rumbling noise

Everyone: Eep.

(Gigantic wall of water closes in from all directions)

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…

SFX: SSSSSSSSCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rauru: (bobbing to the surface) Well that was fun.

Everyone Else: GASPGASPGASPGASPGASPGASPGASPGASP GASPGASPGASPGASPGASPGASPGASPGASP…

Rauru: What? That was fun! It's not nearly as bad as when I get into the bathtub.

Everyone: DON'T EVER IN A MILLION YEARS DO ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLING ANYTHING SLIGHTLY SIMILAR TO WHAT YOU JUST DID!

Rauru: Oh come on. It wasn't that bad.

Everyone: YES IT WAS!

(Everyone sees the plane crash into the island)

Everyone: YIPE!

Rauru: Everyone kick! (Everyone treads water) Yes! Yes! We're moving!

(After many a hard minute, they wash up on the island)

Everyone: *pant pant pant pant…*

Rauru: (looks at himself) NOOOOOO!!! MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL LARD!!!

Everyone: (looks at Rauru) AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Rauru is a stick person in his boxer shorts)

Rauru: I KNOW! I'M A FREAK!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! (charges off into the forest)

DED: Right.

Zelda: *Pant pant pant*…so…now what?

(All the guys look at Zelda)

Zelda: What? WHAT? WHAAAAT?

Skull Kid: ZELDA…

Link: White…

Ganondorf: Dress…

Darunia: Warm…

Mido: Water…

Zelda: (blinks uncomprehendingly) Eh? ::looks down:: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! YOU SICK SONS OF BITCHES!

MD: YOU HEALTHY SONS OF DEEP-DISH PIZZAS!

DED: YOU NAUSEOUS PROGENY OF NAPA BRAND HUBCAPS!

MD: OH YEAH? YOU HIV-POSITIVE CHILD OF A PAIR OF SCISSORS!

DED: OH YEAH? ::gets into weirdness contest with MD::

Zelda: Uh, anyway, the point is YOU'RE ALL SICK! SICK SICK SICK!

Nabooru: YEAH! YOU GUYS ARE ALL MESSED OOP IN THE HEAD!

Everyone: (looks at each other)

Nabooru: What? I said you're all messed oop in the head. 

Link: Say "up" again.

Nabooru: What? Oop?

Everyone: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Nabooru: What are you all laughing aboot?

Malon: Nothing…say, what's that up there?

Nabooru: Oop where?

Everyone: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Nabooru: STOP IT!

Everyone: He…he…he…heh…

Link: Well that was fun.

DED: …SPAWN OF A RITZ-BITZ CHEESE SANDWICH!

MD: YOU CONTAMINATED OFFSPRING OF A…

Nabooru: What ARE you guys talking aboot? We need to go look for the plane oop the beach!

Everyone: (pause) WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

DED: Right…lets go.

(everyone marches in formation along the beach)

DED: I don't know but it's been said…

Everyone: I DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S BEEN SAID…

DED: Mido's totally brain-dead…

Everyone: MIDO'S TOTALLY BRAIN-DEAD!

Mido: Hey!

DED: SOUND OFF! 

Everyone: ONE-TWO!

DED: SOUND OFF!

Everyone THREE-FOUR!

DED: I don't know but I've been told…

Everyone: I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD…

DED: Mido's brain's decayed and old…

Everyone: MIDO'S BRAIN'S DECAYED AND OLD!

Mido: ARRG!!!

DED: SOUND OFF!

Everyone: ONE-TWO!

DED: SOUND OFF!

Everyone: THREE-FOUR!

(and, thank God, we reach the plane wreck) 

Impa: Look!

(Rauru, looking fat as ever, is passed out in front of the plane)

Rauru: Snnnnnoooooooooooooreeeee…buuuuuuuuurp…snort…

Everyone: HEY! 

Rauru: WHAT? 

Everyone: YOU ATE ALL THE FOOD!

Raruru: No I didn't! (notices all the food wrappers and garbage littered around him) Err…

Everyone: (huddles)

DED: All right Rauru, FROM NOW ON YOU HAFTA FEED YOURSELF!!!

Rauru: But…but…

Everyone: THE TRIBE HAS SPOKEN!!!

Rauru: In that case…I'M OFF TO CATCH ME SOME WILD HIPPOPOTAMUS!

Mido: But you can't eat a hippo! It could be a relative!

Everyone: SHUT UP YOU PRICK!

Mido: Right then…

Link: Wait…what makes you think that there are hippopotamuses on this island?

Rauru: I ALREADY ATE ONE! (points to giant hippopotamus skeleton on the beach)

Link: I stand corrected.

Rauru: RIGHTY-O THEN CHAPS! I'M OFF! (waddles into the jungle, knocking over all in his path)

Ruto: (wearing a crude wooden neck brace) Lessee…he didn't eat…this moss…and a package of hot dog buns…

Everyone: BUT WHAT ABOUT HOT DOGS?

Ruto: Aaaaaaand…hot dogs! 

Everyone: YAY!

Ruto: Wait…hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight, so…

Everyone: SOMEONE WILL GET BUNLESS HOT DOGS!!! NNNNOOOOOOO!!!

Ruto: Chill back. They're just hot dogs.

Link: So we have a clump of moss and hot dogs to eat for three months…lessee…Who here knows basic hunting and trapping skills?

(no one raises hands)

Link: Oooookay…does anyone know how to identify poisonous plants?

(no one raises hands)

Link: Allllllllllright…does anyone know how to breathe and walk?

(Most people raise hands)

Link: Riiiiight…

Ganondorf: Analysis: We're all dead.

Ruto: But we could win a whole schnizzle-load of Rupees!

Ganondorf: And I'm sure our starved, emaciated corpses will appreciate that.

Link: Well, I know how to hunt, and Rauru seems to know what he's doing…

Rauru: (in the distance) YOU'RE MINE YA LITTLE BUGGER! *CHOMP* 

Ruto: I can catch fish…

Ganondorf: I can shoot bolts of darkness…

Zelda: I can whine for extended periods of time…

Saria: I can prepare delightful soy shakes and veggie burgers!

Darunia: I can eat my bicycle; then I'll have to eat sand. (licks sand) Eh, reasonable…

Malon: Let's see what else is on the plane.

Zelda: Sleeping bags, toothpaste, but no brushes…

DED: A hairdryer, a comb, and hair gel. Strange. 

MD: Uhh, ketchup…

Malon: Catsup.

MD: KATCHUP! Aaaand…six-packs of…Harnikan Lite?

DED: Eh, works for me! (drinks) Ahh, that crisp, fresh dark amber taste.

Everyone: (looks at him)

DED: Uhh…or not…

Nabooru: Lets go and investigate our house.

DED: All right, everyone pack all the precious equipment into your bags, because we don't want to lose any on the long and perilous journey that…

MD: (points to house, which is a couple of feet away)

DED: Oh. Ok everyone, be a sloppy as you want!

Everyone: YAY?

HOUSE:

Has a front door with a screened-in porch. Inside is one kitchen, a living room, a bathroom (yes, _A_ bathroom) one bedroom, a couch, an easy chair…

Mido: Yay! We're here!

Everyone: (unenthusiastically) Yay.

DED: Let's see. The authors will have the MASTER BEDROOM, and…

Everyone: (sarcastically) YES MASTERS!

DED: (whips out keyboard) "A boulder supported by a thin tiny string that was rapidly unraveling hung ominously over the Zelda character's heads."

Everyone: (looks up) EEP!

MD: "But the kind, benevolent authors made it go away."

Everyone: (looks up) Ahhh…

DED: "ON GOOD BEHAVIOR!"

Everyone: YIPE!

DED: Anyhoo, we got a fold-out couch and sleeping bags. Set up where you guys are gonna sleep. 

Zelda: But…it's like, three o'clock. 

DED: Oh is it? (types something)

Everyone: YAY! Err…yay?

(suddenly, a FLOATING TV SCREEN DESCENDS FROM THE HEAVENS!)

Host guy on TV screen: Uh uh uh…NO AUTHOR POWERS! (smashes keyboard)

DED: Awww…

Host guy: And remember, I'M THE ONLY MASTER HERE!!!

Everyone: YES MASTER!!! WE FEAR YOU!!!

Host guy: Eeeeeeeeexellent…

DED: Well it is night now.

Host guy: AND NEVER AGAIN SHALL IT BE!!! By your will, at least.

  
DED: Oh great.

(FLOATING TV SCREEN LEAVES!)

Rauru: (tromping out of the bushes) CHEERIO!

Everyone: EH?

Rauru: BLIMEY! I GOT ME SOME WIL' 'IPPO!

Impa: Did you save any for us? We're hungry!

Rauru: Uhh, I ate four and now I'm full. There wasn't any extra. Well, none worth mentioning.

Skull Kid: NO, COME ON!

Rauru: Well, I ate all of the fourth that was worth eating, there's some little crumbs left…(points to gigantic hippo carcass, which still has about 15 pounds of meat on it)

Link: You think fifteen pounds is NOT WORTH MENTIONING???

Rauru: What, you think you can eat a meal off of THAT? Oh right, I forgot how morbidly obese I am.

Everyone: Riiiight.

Rauru: Well, all that eating made me tired! Let's go rest!

Everyone: Double riiiight.

(everyone enters the house)

Impa: RAURU!

(Rauru is passed out in the living room)

Rauru: ZzzzzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzzz…slobber…belch…

Mido: Hey! TV! Do we get cable? (turns on)

Darunia: Uh huh, of course we get cable. It runs under the ocean from the mainland 500 miles away.

Host Guy (on TV) No you muttonheads! This TV is to relay the various challenges that you will be facing. You have survived the first of many here on………CONTAINMENT!

(screen pans to show a studio audience)

Host Guy: I'm Chad Coollastname, your host. 

Carmen Electra: And I'm Carmen Electra!

Everyone: WE CAN READ!

Carmen Electra: Anyhoo, I'm Chad's co-host.

Chad: Well everyone, get some rest and prepare yourselves for tomorrow's tests. (quietly) go around…

Everyone: WHAAAAT? IT CAN'T BE…

Chad: Eh? What? (quietly) around around around…

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Chad: Oh fine. YES! IT IS I! THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE TOTALLY KRA-ZEE…

Everyone: WINDMILL GUY!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

"Chad": NO YOU MORONS! THE TOTALLY KRA-ZEE…FISHING GUY! (unzips head to reveal Fishing Guy) AND I'M HERE TO SCRATCH MY ARMPITS AND WEAR A SHOWER CAP! 

Everyone: Uhh, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh, I guess…

FG: SAY HELLO TO MY KRA-ZEE ASSISTANT, GRYORG!

(Carmen Electra unzips head to reveal Gryorg)

Gryorg: Salutations.

Windmill Guy: (running onstage) HEY! YOU SAID WE'D SPLIT THE DEAL!!!

FG: All right all ready, I was getting to you…AND THIS IS MY CO-HOST WINDMILL GUY!

Everyone: DOUBLE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

WG: AND THIS IS MY…

Audience: …ASSISTANT FIERCE DIETY LINK, WE KNOW!

WG: HEY! SHUT UP!

FDL: Err, howdy, I suppose. 

Audience: YAY!

FDL: Why are you all cheering?

Audience: YOU SAID YOUR CATCH PHRASE!

FDL: Why are you all speaking in unison?

Audience: WE ARE A HIVE-MIND! ALL HAIL THE QUEEN! PROTECT QUEEN! WORK PROTOCOL ENABLED! (audience begins chewing the furniture and mixing it with their saliva to create a mortar-like paste)

FG: Uh, now then, get some rest and try to forget that your lives are in the hands of two demented video game characters. Arr.

WG: Arr?

FG: (begins talking like a pirate) Aye, without me ghetto accent I need a new replacement. Arr.

WG: SOUNDS COOL WITH ME!

Gryorg: Indeed.

(screen goes black)

Everyone: ::stares at each other::

::very long pause::

Everyone: We're doomed.

Gryorg (over loudspeaker): Indubitably. 

Link: …yeah…riiiiight…

DED: Umm…who wants grilled hippo meat?

Everyone: MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!

DED: Right then, I guess we'll start the ol' fryer up, and…(notices there is no fryer) …and we go outside and start a fire somehow.

SOME TIME LATER

(Everyone's gathered around a campfire)

Malon: Umm, can I have the snout?

DED: (dressed in apron and chef's hat) Sure! (hands Malon a snout on a stick)

Ruto: (Pulling out Zora guitar) "Kumbya, my lord, kumbya…"

Everyone: (glares meaningfully)

Ruto: Err…kumbya?

Everyone: NO!!!

MD: (gnawing on hippo) So here we are, trapped on a deserted island miles from civilization with no hope of contacting any help, being held captive by two demented lunatics bent or breaking our brains…

DED: (shoving hippo into her mouth) Ignore the pessimist! Unbeliever! Heteric! She speaks only lies! She's a witch! Burn her!

MD: Murfgleflurfgrgfguuugrugf!

DED: Come again?

MD: Murfgle. Flurfgrg. Fguuugrugf.

DED: Ah…

Saria: (chewing stick) Mmmmm! Fiber! 

Malon: 'K…we got hot dogs…two hot dogs…WITHOUT BUNS!!!

Everyone: GASP! 

DED: What? 

Everyone: THEY DON'T GOT NO BUNS!

DED: So…?

Everyone: Sigh!

Skull Kid: I'LL TAKE 'EM!

Everyone: Uhh, gasp?

Skull Kid: WATCH! (sticks hot dogs up his nose, and pulls them out of his ears)

Everyone: OOOOH! AAAAH! 

Skull Kid: (sticks hot dogs in various orifices and pulls them out of various other orifices)

Everyone: Ooh? Aaaah?

Nabooru: Uh, are you still going to eat those?

Skull Kid: WHO'S EATING THEM? I'M JUST DOING CURCUS PERFORMANCES WITH THEM!

Darunia: So…you aren't eating them?

Skull Kid: NOPE!

Everyone: Aww…

DED: WHAT IS SO FAN-FRICKEN-TASTIC ABOUT EATING BUNLESS HOT DOGS?

Everyone: BECAUSE! THE THINGY IS…SHUT UP!

DED: Right…

Link: Allow me to spearhead the tooth brushing initiative. 

Zelda: Well la dee da. 

Link: Everyone find a twig to gnaw on.

Everyone: (looks at Saria)

Saria: (gnawing on twig) What? It's my vegetarian dinner!

Ganondorf: Hmm…sticks, sticks…

Rauru: MAN I'M GONNA NEED ONE MONSTER STICK! (picks a whole tree out of the ground and shoves in mouth)

Everyone: 0_0!!!

Rauru: Chomp chew chomp chomp…buuuuuuuuuuuurp…

Mido: You ATE the stick?

Rauru: Uhh, guess so. ZEE Y'ALLS LATER! (waddles off to bed)

Ruto: Anyway…toothpaste. (squirts toothpaste on stick)

Everyone: (brushes teeth)

LATER:

MD: Well everyone, have a nice, non-secretly-videotaped night.

Everyone: GOOD NIGHT MISTY!

MD: GOOD NIGHT ZELDA PEEPS!

DED: (in jammies) Off to our MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE BEDROOM!

Zelda characters: SEIG HEIL! 

DED: SHUT IT!

***

NEXT TIME ON CONTAINMENT:

Everybody's KRAY-ZEE sleeping patterns!

Err…the stuff from last time I never got to…so…

"All right everyone, GRAB SOME FLAB!!!" 

"We've been here for one day and you're ALREADY getting' yo freak on?" 

"I TOLD you the twine would come in handy!" 

***

Aloha for now.

DED


	20. Part Twenty: Containment 3

AIRWZAC ***  
  
21 means 21: Containment the IIIrd: THE NIGHT BECKONS!  
  
***  
  
Last Time on Containment:  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *gasp* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH*gasp*HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHH!!!"  
  
"I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD, MIDO'S BRAIN'S DECAYED AND OLD! SOUND OFF! ONE TWO!"  
  
"In that case...I'M OFF TO CATCH ME SOME WILD HIPPOPOTAMUS!"  
  
***  
  
9:00 P.M.: BEDTIME  
  
Malon: I'm gonna sleep on the fold-out couch. Capicse?  
  
Saria: What? Capsize?  
  
Darunia: Capri?  
  
Mido: Crapola?  
  
Malon: It's Italian...  
  
Mido: You mean "Mama Mia?"  
  
Malon: No...  
  
Darunia: You mean "hospitaliano?"  
  
Malon: No...  
  
Saria: You mean "Atza one spicy meataball?"  
  
Malon: No...  
  
Darunia: You mean "Itsa me, Mario?"  
  
Malon: NO! IT MEANS "IS THAT OK?"  
  
Everyone: OOOOH!  
  
Malon: SO IS IT?  
  
Saria: ...um, actually, I want to sleep on the fold-out couch.  
  
Malon: WELL TOO BAD!!! (forehead veins bulge menacingly)  
  
Darunia: Ok, fine. Take the goddam fold-out couch.  
  
Saria: Wait, what is Italia?  
  
Malon: You mean Italy?  
  
Saria: I think...  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
Link: (trying to inflate air mattress) GASP GASP WEEZE GASP...  
  
Zelda: Let me help. I know JUST how to blow things.  
  
Everyone: (whips head around and stares at Zelda)  
  
Link: Duhh...  
  
Zelda: You want a demonstration? *winks*  
  
Link: Duuuuuuuuhhhhh...  
  
Zelda: 'K...(inflates air mattress in seconds)  
  
Link: Ddddduuuuuuuhhhhhhh...  
  
Zelda: Aren't you impressed?  
  
Link: Duuuh...duhhh...dduuuuhhhh...  
  
Everyone: (continues to stare at Zelda)  
  
Zelda: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?  
  
Link: Nothing. Nothing at all.  
  
Zelda: *shrugs*  
  
Impa: Moving briskly along...  
  
MEANWHILE, CAPONE AND HIS MEN RACE TOWARDS THEIR CHICAGO HIDEOUT! BUT WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT.  
  
DED: Time for some light reading before bed. (heaves out "The Excruciatingly Annotated And Excessively Footnoted Complete Works of Shakespeare")  
  
MD: THAT? THAT'S GOTTA BE AT LEAST 20,000 PAGES!  
  
DED: 21,662, thank you very much. (starts reading)  
  
MD: Listen, that's great DED, but I think we need some sleep...  
  
DED: Nonsense! If there's one thing I've learned from high school, sleep is a great barrow-cart of preposterous crap!  
  
MD: Where'd THAT come from?  
  
DED: The book...(shows MD book)  
  
MD: "Tichondrious: Lo, what sayeth thou to thy lady's reply, For thither thou must gambol lest thou vanish from her eye? Arcannydae: Whether for the gallows or the heav'ns art I bound, That proposition is but a great barrow-cart of preposterous crap." Hmmm...  
  
DED: Told ya. (keeps reading)  
  
MD: Now, YOU might not need sleep, but I...  
  
DED: Come now my dear, sleep is but a mere cat-gut string upon this mystical tinderbox that speeds merrily through the boundless aeons of the great infinite shoehorn of time, arcing from the lowly bran-muffin to the mighty waffle of ancient lore, naught but a big pile of excrement.  
  
MD: Is that also...not even gonna ask...(pulls blankets over head)  
  
***  
  
THE NIGHT BEGINS...  
  
9:00 PM  
  
***  
  
Despite the fact that it is 9:00, Link and Zelda are watching the sunset. Obviously, time and space warp to accommodate Link and Zelda.  
  
Link: Ain't it bootyful?  
  
Zelda: Yup.  
  
Link: (stares deeply into Zelda's eyes, smiling gently as the soft light plays upon Zelda's face) Zelda...  
  
Zelda: (gazing back at the man whom she had known for what seemed like an eternity, and who, at last, began to feel how she had for so long) Yes...?  
  
("All You Need Is Love" starts playing)  
  
The Beatles: Love, love, love...love, love, love...  
  
Link: I...  
  
The Beatles: Nothing you can do that can't be done...  
  
Zelda: You...  
  
The Beatles: Nothing you sing that can't be sung...  
  
Link: Zelda...  
  
The Beatles: Nothing that you can say that you can learn how to play the game...It's easy...  
  
Zelda: Link...  
  
The Beatles: Nothing you can make that can't be made...  
  
Link: Zelda, I...I...  
  
The Beatles: No one you can save that can't be saved.  
  
Zelda: Link...  
  
The Beatles: Nothing you can do but to be you entireàit's easyà  
  
Link: Zelda, Ià  
  
The Beatles: All you need is love! All you need is love! All you need is love, love...Love is all you need!  
  
Zelda: You...I...  
  
The Beatles: Love is all you need! (Love is all you need!) Love is all you need! (Love is all you need!) Love is all you need! (Love is all you need!) Love is all you need! (Love is all you need!)  
  
Link: I...I...I...I...I...  
  
Zelda: SPIT IT OUT YOU LITTLE TWERP!!! (smacks Link)  
  
Link: Zelda, I...HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!  
  
The Beatles: ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE! WAAN WA NA NA NAAAAAA!  
  
Zelda: Oh Link...I have to go to the bathroom too!  
  
Link: OH I'M SO HAPPY! (bursts into tears)  
  
The Beatles: BABY YOU CAN DRIVE MY CAR! YES I'M GONNA BE A STAR! BABY YOU CAN DRIVE MY CAR, AND BABY I LOVE YOU!  
  
Zelda: OH I'M SO HAPPY TOO! AND...WHERE THE HELL IS THAT MUSIC COMING FROM?!?!?!  
  
Skull Kid: (with MD's boom box) UHH...HEH...HEH...  
  
Link: (walking by) Hopeless.  
  
Zelda: (walks by and smacks Skull Kid)  
  
SK: BUT...LOVE? IT'S ALL YOU NEED!  
  
Zelda: (offscreen) SHUT UP!  
  
***  
  
Ruto: (lying in sleeping bag) Ok, I'm going to sleep. Hit the lights someone.  
  
Malon: K'. (goes dark)  
  
*pause*  
  
Saria's voice: Guys?  
  
Malon: What?  
  
Saria: I can't see.  
  
Ruto: That's cause its DARK at NIGHT.  
  
Saria: Shut up! I'm looking for my sleeping bag!  
  
Malon: Its over there.  
  
Saria: Ok...(steps on Ruto)  
  
Ruto: OW! Son of a...  
  
Saria: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I STEPPED IN SOMETHING COLD AND SLIMY AND MOVING!!!  
  
Ruto: ITS ME YOU RETARD!  
  
Saria: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ITS TALKING!  
  
Ruto: OWWWWWWWWWWW GET OFF OF MY HEAD!!  
  
Saria: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Ruto: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!  
  
Saria: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Ruto: OOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!  
  
Malon: (falls out of bed laughing)  
  
(By now, everyone else is wide awake)  
  
Mido: (from other room) SHUT UP THA BOTH A' YA'S!  
  
Saria: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Oh, wait. It IS Ruto.  
  
Ruto: YES ITS ME! GET OFF OF MY HEAD FER CHRISSAKES!!  
  
Saria: Oh. Sorry.  
  
Malon: Just get in your sleeping bag and go to sleep!!  
  
Saria: Ok...I can't find it.  
  
Malon: I PUT IT RIGHT THERE!!!  
  
Saria: Turn on the lights!  
  
Ruto: NO!!!  
  
Malon: (turns on lights)  
  
Ruto: AAAAAHHHHHH!!! MY RETNAS ARE FRIED!  
  
Saria: Oh. Here it is.  
  
Ruto: TURN THEM OFF!!! TURN THEM OFF TURN THEM OFF TURN THEM OFF!!!  
  
Malon: (turns off lights)  
  
Ruto: Aaaah...  
  
Malon: Now, GO TO SLEEP SARIA.  
  
Saria: *yawns* Ok...  
  
Ruto and Malon: THANK GOODNESS!  
  
*pause*  
  
Saria:...guys?...  
  
Malon: WHAT?  
  
Saria: I...need...a glass of water?  
  
Ruto: GO GET ONE! WHY TELL US ABOUT IT???  
  
Saria: Ok...(steps on Ruto again)  
  
Ruto: @#$#@%#@%$^%~*^!  
  
Saria: Sorry.  
  
Malon: GET GOING!!!  
  
Saria: I can't see. Turn the lights on!  
  
Ruto: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Malon: *sigh* Oh all right. (flicks switch)  
  
Ruto :IIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MY EYEBALLS ARE MELTING INTO JELLY!!!  
  
Rauru: (in sleep) Jelly...mmmm, jelly...yeah, and peanut butter...and ham...and turkey...and roast beef...that's right...and cheddar...and lettuce and tomato and bacon and...ketchup...and mayo and mustard and marshmallows and...horseradish...YOU GOT ALL THAT? Sssnnnoorrrt...gurgle...DON'T QUESTION MY SANDWICH REQUESTS, IGNORANT COW! Mmm...cow...pork...veal...  
  
Saria: Thanks...  
  
Ruto: TURN OFF!!!! THE LIGHTS!!! THE PARTY'S OVER!!!  
  
Malon: (turns off lights)  
  
Saria: (walks into door) OW! TURN THE LIGHTS ON!  
  
Malon: (turns lights on)  
  
Ruto: TURN THEM OFF!  
  
Malon: (turns off lights)  
  
*pause*  
  
Saria: Ok, thanks...  
  
Malon: You got your drink of water?  
  
Saria: Yep.  
  
Ruto: Really?  
  
Saria: Yep.  
  
Ruto and Malon: THEN GO TO BED!!!  
  
Saria: But its dark and I can't find my sleeping bag. Can you turn on the lights?  
  
Ruto and Malon: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!  
  
***  
  
ELSEWHERE...  
  
***  
  
Nabooru: This is cool! We get to have a bunk bed!  
  
Impa: I call top bunk!  
  
Nabooru: No you don't! I already did!  
  
Impa: When?  
  
Nabooru: When we were still on the plane!  
  
Impa: HOW COULD YOU HAVE? YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS THERE!  
  
Nabooru: This...may be true, but nonetheless I demand the top bunk!  
  
Darunia: If you can't settle this, I'm gonna take the top bunk.  
  
Nabooru: NOOOO!!!  
  
Darunia: (leaps on top of the bunk, instantly collapsing the whole bed) Oops...  
  
Impa: DARUNIA YOU DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED PERSON!!! NOW I CAN'T SLEEP ON THE TOP BUNK!  
  
Nabooru: No, now I CAN'T SLEEP ON THE TOP BUNK!!!  
  
Impa: ME!!!  
  
Nabooru: ME!!!  
  
Impa: ME!!!  
  
Nabooru: ME!!!  
  
Darunia: THE BED IS DESTROYED! NIETHER OF YOU CAN SLEEP ON IT!!! ITS A PILE OF TIMBER!!!  
  
Nabooru and Impa: (look at each other)  
  
*pause*  
  
Nabooru: ...I call top pile of timber...  
  
Impa: NO YOU DON'T!!!!!!!!!  
  
Gannondorf: Why would either of you want to be on the top bunk? Didn't you ever see the movie "Black Sheep?"  
  
Nabooru: What's that?  
  
Gannondorf: You know, the one with Chris Farley and he calls top bunk and the roof collapses and it hails and it sucks...remember that?  
  
Impa: Obviously not. I CALL TOP BUNK!!  
  
Darunia: THERE ISN'T A TOP BUNK!!!  
  
Gannondorf: AND YOU'LL GET HAILED ON AND FALL ON DAVID SPADE!!  
  
Nabooru: No, I CALL TOP...umm...timber pile...  
  
Impa: NO I DO!!  
  
***Meanwhile, thank GOD...***  
  
Malon: (thinking) *Can't sleep...gotta think...how are we gonna get outta this alive? Think! THINK! How will we survive...survival...survival...survival...monkeys...monkeys with boxes...no, NO! Stay on topic! Survival...survival...we could eat the monkeys...and their boxes...NO! ENOUGH MONKEYS!*  
  
*pause pause pause*  
  
Malon: I'VE GOT IT!  
  
Saria, Ruto: (sitting bolt upright) GASP!!! WHAT? WHAT?!?!?  
  
Malon: *dramatic pause* MONKEYS WITH BOXES!!!  
  
Everyone: *stare*  
  
Malon: *pause* NOOOO!!! CURSE YOU, BOXING MONKEYS!!!  
  
Saria: SHUT UP! GO TO SLEEP!  
  
Malon: CAN"T SLEEP!!! GOTTA THINK!!! I'm gonna turn on the lights!  
  
Ruto: MY RETNAS! MY BEAUTIFUL VICTRIOUS HUMOR!!!!  
  
Malon: *turns on lights*  
  
Ruto: IT BURRRNNNNSSSSS!!!  
  
Malon: MONKEYS WITH BOXES!!! DON'T YOU SEE!?!?!?  
  
Rauru: (gurgles, rolls over. Is in underwear)  
  
Everyone: OH SWEET JESUS!!!  
  
(close-up on Rauru's shirtless flab)  
  
Violins from Psyco soundtrack: REET REET REET!  
  
Everyone: OH MY GOD, HE'S GOT EIGHT CHINS! AND FIVE SETS OF MAN- BOOBS!!!  
  
Rauru: (snort)  
  
Ruto: IF I WASN'T ALREADY BLIND, I'D BE POKING OUT MY EYES!!!  
  
Rauru: (burps in sleep, rolls over again, closer to Saria)  
  
Saria: GET AWAY YOU GIANT MOUND OF FLESH!!!  
  
Malon: HE'S AN ENORMOUS MONKEY!! AND HE'S SLEEPING IN A BOX!!!!  
  
Ruto: Oh, calm down everyone, we need a plan of action...  
  
Malon: We gotta get his shirt on!  
  
Saria: Ruto go put it on!  
  
Ruto: I don't wanna touch it! YOU touch it!  
  
Malon: I'M not touching it! YOU touch it!  
  
Saria: You!  
  
Malon: You!  
  
Saria: You!  
  
Malon: YOU!  
  
Saria: YOU!  
  
Impa: I CALL TOP BUNK!  
  
Malon: YOU!  
  
Saria: ME!  
  
Malon: NO ME!  
  
Saria: ME!  
  
Malon: MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Saria: Oh fine, you do it.  
  
Malon: Ok then, I will!  
  
Ruto: *pause* Not even gonna comment.  
  
Malon: *tries to move Rauru* RRRG...WON'T...BUDGE...uh oh...arms...sinking into flab...help...HELP! QUICKSAND! IEEEEE! IT'S UP TO MY ELBOWS!  
  
Rauru: (in sleep) *giggles* Hey, that felt kinda good...  
  
Malon: *pause* Ok, I'm officially wierded out.  
  
Saria: Hurry! The stench is overpowering!  
  
Rauru: (shifts, blinks) Eh? FOOD FOR ME?  
  
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Rauru: (tries to stand. Gives up and bounces on flab into standing position) What's going on, mah lil' cabbages?  
  
Everyone: *slow gasp* (All look up. Rauru has eclipsed all light. Huge shadow plunges Saria into darkness)  
  
Saria: OH GOD NOOOOO!!!!  
  
Rauru: Hey! Check it out! I AIN'T GOT NO SHIRT ON! _OR_ PANTS! ITS LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE MAN!  
  
Malon: WE KNOW! PLEASE REMEDY THAT SITUATION!  
  
Rauru: Umm, well...now that I'm up, I'm going for a midnight snack.  
  
Ruto: It's...9:30.  
  
Rauru: Midnight, 9:30...they both have numbers! And besides, ANYTIME'S RIGHT FOR SNACKIN'!  
  
(waddles into kitchen. Ground shakes violently)  
  
*pause*  
  
Saria: Oh thank GOD.  
  
Malon: Everyone, get to sleep before he gets back!  
  
Rauru: (faintly from kitchen) Pizza in the mornin', pizza in the evenin', pizza at supper time! When pizza's on a bagel, you can eat PIZZA ANY TIME!! BREAK IT DOWN NOW!! (ground shakes violently with Rauru break-dancing)  
  
Ruto: Good luck.  
  
Malon: I don't even see HOW that's possible.  
  
Saria: What?  
  
Malon: How Rauru is breakdancing.  
  
Rauru: (faintly from kitchen) I CALL THIS ONE THE BLUBBER-SPIN! YEEEEEHAW! (disgusting squishing noises)  
  
Malon: *poignant pause* I don't care to know anymore. Good night.  
  
Meanwhile, at the Batcave...I mean, Skull Kid's room...  
  
Skull Kid: I CAN'T SLEEP  
  
Mido: Try counting sheep.  
  
Skull Kid: NO, I'M SERIOUS. I LITERALLY CAN'T SLEEP.  
  
Mido: Uhh...why?  
  
Skull Kid: 'CAUSE I'M ALREADY DEAD!!! MOOWOOOHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Mido: Shut up.  
  
Skull Kid: NO CAN DO CAP'N!!! WOOTWOOTWOOTWOOTWOOT!!!  
  
Mido: Well, if you can't sleep, and can't shut up, want to play TRUTH OR FRICKIN' DARE?  
  
MD: (shouting from other room) OH NO YOU DON'T! THAT'S MY COPYRIGHTED GAME!  
  
Mido: (yelling to MD) FINE, WE'LL PLAY TRUTH OR GOSHDARNED DARE!  
  
MD: CURSES!  
  
DED: SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO READ!  
  
Mido: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.  
  
Skull Kid: I GO FIRST I GO FIRST!  
  
Mido: No, I wanna go first!  
  
SK: ME!  
  
Mido: Me!  
  
SK: ME!  
  
Mido: ME!  
  
Nabooru: I CALL TOP BUNK!  
  
SK: ME!!!  
  
Mido: ME!!!  
  
Ruto: YOU TOUCH HIM!  
  
SK: ME!!!  
  
Mido: LOOK OVER THERE!  
  
SK: HUH?  
  
Mido: HAH! I STOLE THE FIRSTNESS WHILE YOU WEREN'T LOOKING!  
  
SK: DAMNATION!  
  
Mido: Ok, TRUTH OR FRICK...GOSHDARNED DARE???  
  
SK: DARE! BRING IT ON!  
  
Mido: Let's see now...well...I dare you to...SHOW ME YOUR WEENIE!!!  
  
SK: WHAT?!?!  
  
Mido: SHOW IT!  
  
SK: I HAVEN'T HAD A WEENIE FOR TEN THOUSAND YEARS NOW!!!  
  
Mido:...ouch.  
  
SK: JUST LIKE I DON'T GOT ANY _SKIN_ OR _FLESH_? HELLOOOOOO?  
  
Mido: Oh, that's right. Sorry.  
  
SK: NO PROBLEMO! I'M PROUD TO BE SKELETAL!  
  
Mido: That's...great to hear...  
  
SK: NOW, TRUTH OR GOSHDARNED DARE???  
  
Mido: I'll take...truth.  
  
SK: WUUUUUUSSSSS!!!  
  
Mido Yep!  
  
SK: OK THEN...HAVE YOU EVER...HAD A HOMOCIDIAL EXPERIENCE?  
  
Mido: Huh?  
  
SK: YOU KNOW, HOMOCIDIAL, HOMOCIDIALS, HOMOCIDIALLITY?  
  
Mido: What are you TALKING about?  
  
SK: I HEARD LINK CALLING YOU THAT! HE SAID YOU WERE SUCH A FLAMING HOMOCIDIAL! SO, ARE YOU A HOMOCIDIAL?  
  
Mido: Uhhh...Not...to my knowledge...  
  
SK: LIAR! YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY A CLOSET HOMOCIDIAL!  
  
Mido: NO I'M NOT! WHATEVER THAT IS!  
  
SK: OH NEVR MIND...IT'S YOUR TURN...  
  
*** Later that night, 11:00... ***  
  
Malon: *thinking* And then, the monkeys will load us into their boxes and help us escape! THAT'S IT!!! Now all I need to do is to fashion a monkey communication device out of sticks and coconuts, and...NO! MONKEYS ARE NOT THE SOLUTION! I need to find a way to STAY ALIVE! But they're soooo delicious...  
  
Ruto: It's been TWO HOURS! WHAT IS RAURU DOING???  
  
Rauru: I'M MAKIN' PIZZA BAGEL BITES!  
  
Saria: Cool!  
  
Ruto: Did you make enough for us? Of course not...  
  
Rauru: I did! I made 400 trays for me and one for you!  
  
Everyone: *looks at one another* Eh.  
  
Rauru: Here ya go! (takes out tray of mini pizzas)  
  
Everyone: YAY! (starts scarfing down pizzas)  
  
Malon: Mmm! These are distinctively flavoredàbut I can't put my finger on what it is...  
  
Ruto: Yeah, how did you get all these pizzas onto the island?  
  
Rauru: I didn't get them, I made them from scratch!  
  
Saria: Really? Where'd you get the ingredients?  
  
Rauru: What? I didn't tell you? I grow all my own food on my flab!  
  
Everyone: *double take*  
  
Rauru: See here in Fold #12269A I grew the tomatoes, and under Chin 6 I had some wheat growing. And I had some cheese fermenting between Man-Boobs 3 and 4...now, as for the basil, I got that from...the...(trails off)  
  
(excruciating pause)  
  
Malon: I think I know what the flavor is...  
  
Ruto: What...  
  
Malon: Old Spice...  
  
(excruciating pause)  
  
Everyone: GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!! (semi-chewed pizza spewed everywhere) GAGH GAHHHG GAAAAARHHHHGGGG GUHH GUHH GUAAHUHG...AAAK AKKKAAKKKAKK...  
  
Rauru: (blinks) See, this is why I don't usually share the food I eat.  
  
MEENVHILE, BACH EN ZEE LAB...  
  
Nabooru: I WANT THE GOD-FRICKIN' GOD TOP BUNK!  
  
Impa: I WANT THE GEEZ-US STINKIN' BUNK!  
  
Ganondorf: I WANT BOTH OF YOU TO DIE!  
  
Nabooru: Well that's noot very nice.  
  
Impa: YOINK! I STOLE THE TOP-BUNKNESS WHILE YOU WEREN'T SPEAKING!  
  
Mido: THAT'S MY ILLOGICAL PHRASE! I MADE IT UP PLAYING TRUTH OR FRICKIN' DARE!  
  
MD: THAT'S MY ILLOGICAL GAME! YOU WERE PLAYING TRUTH OR GOSHDARNED DARE!  
  
DED: I'M TRYING TO READ JURRASIC PARK!  
  
MD: THAT WAS A BOOK BEFORE IT WAS A MOVE?  
  
DED: YES, IT WAS...oh sorry, caps lock. Yes, it was.  
  
MD: SWEET BEANS O' FIRE BABY!  
  
Impa: The point is that I now lay sole, insurmountable claim to the one, the only, the sacred, almighty...  
  
Nabooru: Sorry to interoopt you, but Daroonia's already soond asleep on...  
  
Impa: àTHE TOP BUNK! PRASE JEEZUS!  
  
Nabooru: SHOOT THE FOOK OOP, YOU FOOKING ODOOT!  
  
Ganondorf: Is it me or are you becoming more and more Canadian as the days go by?  
  
Nabooru: Noo, I joost oot a loomoon oond moo loops oore pookering!  
  
Everyone: Wha?  
  
Nabooru: I joost oot a loomoon oond moo loops oore pookering!  
  
Ganondorf: Oh, I get it. You just...out...a lagoon...and...moo...Fruit Loops...ore...eukering?  
  
Nabooru: NOO YOO STOOPOD DOMBOSS! I COON'T SOY ONY VOWOLS BOCOSE MOO LOOPS OORE POOKERED!  
  
Impa: Hey, I think she just ate a lemon and her lips are puckering, you stupid dumbass.  
  
Nabooru: YOOS! THONK GUDE!  
  
Ganondorf: Now you sort of sound German. Make up your mind.  
  
Nabooru: OO'M NOOT GERMOON YOO MOOTHER FOOKER OO'M JOOST...pockering...my lips. Aaaaaaaah...better.  
  
Impa: Now what was that about Daroonia?  
  
Nabooru: Hey! Shut oop!  
  
SIGH...MEANWHILE...AGAIN...  
  
Link(makin' sweet, sweet love): Mmmm yess yessssss yesssssss yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes...  
  
Zelda(having sweet, sweet love made to): Affermative mmmmm affermative affermative affermative afffffeeeeeerrrmmmmaaaaattttiiivvveee....  
  
Link: (speaking to camera) It was inevitable, wasn't it.  
  
Zelda: Yup. Anyhoo...  
  
Link: I concur concur cooooooncuuuuuur...  
  
Zelda: Positive response positive response positiOH MY GOD MIDO!  
  
Link: EEEEW! YOU'RE FANTASIZING ABOUT MIDO WHILE...  
  
Zelda: NO YOU DIPSHIT MIDO IS FREAKING STANDING OVER THERE!  
  
Mido: (entering the room) Hi guys, sorry to wake you but the Skull Kid dared me to give Link an ass job.  
  
Link: (shrieks like a girl) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!  
  
Zelda: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  
  
Mido: I told you, I'm going to give Link an ass job. Or...somebody...Zelda, would YOU like an ass job?  
  
Zelda: ...  
  
Mido: Well?  
  
Zelda: I think Link's got that one covered...hehehehehehehehehe...  
  
Link: Anything you want, mah dirty little psycobit...  
  
Zelda: (gestures meaningfully at Mido)  
  
Mido: (waves, grins broadly)  
  
Link: Yeah...so, do you think you could tell us why the 'Kid wants you to...umm...  
  
Mido: 'Cause we're playing TRUTH OR GOL-DURNED DARE!  
  
SK: NO WE AREN'T WE'RE PLAYING...  
  
Zelda: ...TRUTH OR GOSHDARNED DARE, YES, WE KNOW!  
  
DED: LET ME JUST SAY HERE HOW MUCH I LOVE THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON!  
  
MD: WHEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Zelda: Riiiiight. So would you mind leaving?  
  
Mido: Not 'till I give SOMEONE an ass job...now, what kinds of jobs would an ass do...I guess they can carry stuff and pull carts...hmm...  
  
Link: Um, yeah. I'll carry you around on my back. Just let me get some clothes on for God's sake...  
  
Mido: Yay! Now, what to dare the Skull Kid to do...  
  
Saria: EEEEP! YOU GUYS DON'T GOT NO VESTMENTS ON!  
  
Link: (screams like a girl again) EEEEEEEEEEEK!  
  
Zelda: What are YOU doing here?  
  
Saria: I need to go to the bathroom and I think it's this way...right...  
  
Ruto: (faintly from other room) OH GOD MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL EYES!  
  
Saria: Right, so why are you people acting so strange?  
  
Link: (stares at Zelda)  
  
Zelda: (stares at Link)  
  
Link: Saria, Mido, remember when we were watching the Discovery Channel, and there were those lions...  
  
Mido: You were doing that???  
  
Zelda: Err...yeah...  
  
Saria: You mean you were...EATING EACH OTHER?  
  
Link and Zelda: Uhhhh...  
  
Link: ...no...  
  
Mido: Then WHY were you on top of each other?  
  
Zelda: Err...  
  
Saria: And WHY were your mouths all over each other?  
  
Link: Err...  
  
Mido: And WHY were you going, "Mmmm...so good...mmmm...mmm..."  
  
Zelda: Err...  
  
Saria: AND WHY WERE YOU ACTING SO SECRETIVE? AND WHY ARE YOU HIDING IN A SLEEPING BAG?  
  
Mido: IT'S A CONSPIRACY!  
  
Link: NO NO NO! Ok, you obviously need solid, concrete explanation without any fruity skirting of the issues, so I'll tell you about the facts of life in a frank and serious manner.  
  
Zelda: Oh Jesus.  
  
*Much later...*  
  
Link: ...and then, the magical bunny jumps out of the birth canal, and the happy angels play their golden trumpets, right there in the delivery room, and everyone's happy. The End.  
  
Saria and Mido: *applause*  
  
Link: (bows)  
  
Zelda: (smacks forehead) Yi yi yi...  
  
Mido: (rases hand)  
  
Link: Yes Mido?  
  
Mido: Mr. Link, I'm confused on the nature of the Mystical Eldrich Serpant Brain.  
  
Link: The one with the magic oboe?  
  
Mido: Precisely. Now, if it is capable, as you say, of teleporting to the Land of Winds and Ghosts, then why doesn't it just override the carboelectrical thermodynamics of the polyhydroidical superprogram and cause his arch-rival, the Omnicient Omega-Falcon, to transmaterealize into the Allmighty Motherloving Amulet of Dawn?  
  
Link: That is a very good question. You'll understand when you're older.  
  
Zelda: (buries head in sleeping bag, shamed)  
  
*(spinning Triforce logo spins toward screen ala Batman) DOODELY DEEDELY DEE!*  
  
Saria: Rauru...how can you stand to live with yourself? You eat constantly...  
  
Malon: I know! Elaborate...  
  
Rauru: (bathed in dark light. Wearing sunglasses and gold chain. Has three fingers bandaged with medical tape. Is wearing Band-Aid on forehead.) (Rap beat begins to play) You wanna know why I eat, huh. You wanna know huh b*tch... Skull Kid, let it run...(Skull Kid wearing headphones and sunglasses, at MD's boom box)...Then f*ck it...shut up and listen...  
  
******  
  
I kick back wit' this pack of fruit snacks and relax wit' these Chee-tos, Doritos and Fritos I'll eat-o (I eat-o), see since birth I've been cursed with tha curse of a girth that's berserk and I lurk by tha fridge day and night as I fight with the urge to just splurge and I try to diverge from the course of devouring all that I see but I just gotta eat (gotta eat), and I eat to a beat the repeats every week 'till I'm weak and defeated and beaten, I'm eatin' continuously ('tinuously), and the pounds just keep packin' and my heart is attackin' but self-control I am lackin' so I grab for a bag and I always am packin' a big bag of some chips, onion dip and carrot sticks (carrot sticks), and I try and I try but I just don't know why, I defy all the time the line between mind and body, I'm a mouth and a brain and a gut and that's all that there is (that there is), it's excessive, nothing redressive for all of the time I spent sittin' on the couch while life passes me by (passes me by) and I think that the day that I die will be my greatest triumph cause I lived as long as I did, people my age and weight have been dead for a great length of time, and I lie to myself (lie to myself), if I die myself would be all to blame (all to blame), something deep within me needs to feed and I see that its all I can be, time to eat, it's just me  
  
Cuz I eat whenever I can possibly eat If I didn't, then why would I be so obese? In the fridge each day and each night I eat, I dunno, it's just the way I eat...  
  
Rauru...tha Phat Fat...two thousan' and three...I'm goin for a sandwich...peace out.  
  
(song ends, Rauru leaves)  
  
******  
  
All: (staring at one another)  
  
Saria: Well that answered MY question...  
  
Malon: It did?  
  
Saria: No, but I'm not about to ask again...  
  
Ruto: Yeah...  
  
***  
  
6:20 AM: DAWN BREAKS!  
  
MD: I'M BROOOOOOKEN!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!  
  
NO YOU'RE NOT! I'M THE OMNIPOTENT NARRATOR PERSON AND I SAY YOU AREN'T!  
  
*** (annoying dawn-breaking music plays)  
  
Soundtrack: Doo doo doo doo doodee doodee doo doo doo doo doodeedoodee doo doo doo dee doo dee doo.  
  
Rauru: BREAKFAST! I'M GOING FOR ELEPHANTS!  
  
Ruto: You do that. You do that.  
  
Malon: GET US SOME MONKEYS! PREFERABLY WITH BOXES! BOOOOOOOOXESSSSSS!  
  
Impa: IT'S NOT FAIR! I NEVER GOT TO SLEEP BECASE NABOORU WOULDN'T LET ME HAVE THE TOP BUNK!  
  
Link: I COULDN'T SCORE WITH A HOT BABE BECAUSE MIDO MADE ME CARRY GRAIN AROUND!  
  
Skull Kid: I'M A DENTIST! YAY!  
  
DED: EVERYONE CALM DOWN! So you didn't sleep too well. Fine. Just relax, stay sane.  
  
Windmill Guy: Speaking of sanity, WE HAVE OUR FIRST TRAIL OF TERROR TODAY!  
  
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
WG: What?  
  
Darunia: You scared the bejezus out of us!  
  
WG: I get that a lot.look, the point is, all you sleep-deprived, semi- deranged losers have to go out and do stressful, meaningless tasks. DIG?  
  
Fishing Guy: YARRR!  
  
WG: RIGHT ON, DADDY-O!  
  
Everyone: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Will the Zelda bunch survive the Trials of Terror? Can Dave finish his goddamn English homework? Who will have the top bunk? What is the standard form for the equasion describing a circle? All shall be revealed in the next episode of.CONTAINMENT!  
  
Over and out.  
  
~DED 


	21. Part TwentyOne: Containment 4

AIRW/ZAC By DeadeyeDave (with help from Mr. Crash)  
  
Last time on Containment:  
  
"You mean, 'Atza one spicy meataball?'"  
  
"Zelda, I... HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!"  
  
"IIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MY EYEBALLS ARE MELTING INTO JELLY!!!"  
  
"NOOOO!!! CURSE YOU, BOXING MONKEYS!!!"  
  
"(close-up on Rauru's shirtless flab) Violins from Psyco soundtrack: REET REET REET!"  
  
"Is it me or are you becoming more and more Canadian as the days go by?"  
  
"...tha Phat Fat...two thousan' and three...I'm goin for a sandwich...peace out."  
  
***  
  
(X-Files-esque typed script)  
  
*tickety tickety tickety*  
  
6:30 A.M. SOME RANDOM ISLAND  
  
Windmill Guy: Now, for your...CHALLENGE OF DEATH!!! (lightning flashes)  
  
SFX: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!  
  
Fishing Guy: *whispers something*  
  
WG: Oh right. TRIAL OF TERROR! (lightning flashes)  
  
SFX: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUNNN!  
  
DED: That's getting reeeeeeally old, and I've only heard it twice.  
  
Mido: And why is lightning flashing? You're in a studio.  
  
WG: SHADDUP YA LITTLE TWERP!  
  
FG: Arrrrrh!Ye'll be walkin' the plank!  
  
Nabooru: Wouldja knock off the arrh?  
  
FG: Arrrh! Never! I be a pirate of the high seas! AARRRRRRRRRRHH!  
  
Link: Dude. You're a pirate of a tiny pond.  
  
FG: Arrh, shut up! Just fer that, yew lubbers'll be takin' the CHA... TRIAL OF TERROR! (lightning flashes)  
  
SFX: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!  
  
WG: Boy, the tech guys are goin' NUTS with that thing...  
  
Link: I thought we were going to take the Trial of Terror anyway.  
  
FG: Arrrh, well the thing about that is...arrrrh...shut up.  
  
Link: ::shrugs:: Fair enough.  
  
Zelda: Makes sense to me.  
  
Gryorg: Indubitably!  
  
FG: ARRRRH!  
  
Fierce Deity: Howdy.  
  
Rauru: PRAISE THE SPORK!  
  
Ruto: Huh?  
  
Rauru: Just chiming in.  
  
Malon: But that's not your catch phrase!  
  
Rauru: Yeah, so what's YOUR catch phrase?  
  
Malon: Well, it's not so much a phrase as a song... DOO DOO DOOOOO, DOO DOO DOOOOO, DOO DOO DOOOOOO DOOOOOOO...  
  
MD: MAKE IT STOP!!!  
  
Rauru: I believe that "Praise the Spork" is now my catch phrase.  
  
Ganondorf: I thought it would be something like "Extra mayo please" or "Supersize that combo!"  
  
Rauru: Shut up! I'm on the Slim-Fast plan!  
  
DED: Really?  
  
Rauru: Yeah, I drink one for breakfast, one for brunch, one for second breakfast, one for pre-lunch snack, one for lunch, one for post-lunch snack, one for tea, one for supper, five or six for dinner, one for dessert, and one for a midnight snack. I keep running out though...  
  
Ganondorf: Rauru, drinking three cartons per day won't help you lose weight.  
  
Rauru: Oh well, I GUESS I JUST GOTTA BE FLABBY THEN! (singing to the tune of 'I Just Gotta Be Me') OOOH I JUST GOTTA BE FAT...  
  
WG: Which is precisely why you, Link, and Zelda have got to go into the woods and face the...TRIAL OF TERROR! (lightning flashes)  
  
DED: DUN DUN DUNNNNN!  
  
Random tech crew guy: Hey! That's OUR cue!  
  
DED: Cram it Phil!  
  
FG: ARRRRH!  
  
Zelda: Not to interrupt this tantalizing conversation, but why do me, Link, and Rauru always do the weird challenges?  
  
DED: 'Cause you're the perfect trio! The horny teenage princess girl, the horny teenaged hero guy, and the blubbery, balding comic relief!  
  
Rauru: Cool, I'm a horny teenage hero guy? Really?  
  
DED: Umm...how can I put this...no.  
  
Rauru (just not getting it): But I'm not a princess gir...OOOOOHHHH...I'm the blubbery balding comic relief! *sniff* I've been waiting all my life for someone to recognize my true talent... to recognize me for what I really am...BIG FAT BLUBBERY COMIC RELIEF!  
  
Malon: Don't forget balding.  
  
Rauru: AND _BALDING_! WOOTWOOTWOOTWOOTWOOTWOOT! (spins around on stomach)  
  
Link: (statement finally penetrating peanut-sized brain) Hey, I might be horny and teenaged and heroic, but I'm NOT...umm...what was the fourth thing?  
  
Zelda: *sighing* He called you a guy.  
  
Link: WELL I'M NOT! Oh wait, maybe I am.  
  
Zelda: *snickers* After last night, I'm not so sure.  
  
Link: NO ONE LISTEN! (waves hands in the air) I HAVE FORMED A CONE OF SILENCE! NONE CAN HEAR OUR CONVERSATION!  
  
Zelda: Oh, shut UP....  
  
Link: (yelling at Zelda): WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!  
  
Impa: Ahh, the young, stupid lovers...Takes me back...  
  
Darunia: So let me get this straight...you two little pervs couldn't wait ONE NIGHT to start humpi...  
  
Link: (covering Darunia's mouth) ....embarking on the Mysterious Journey to the Magic Dinette, right kids?  
  
Saria and Mido: Right!  
  
Link: (getting stared at) Eh hee hee hee...just givin' the facts of life...  
  
FG: ARRH! I hate to re-interrupt THIS tantalizing conversation, but I must now give you the details of your...TERROR TRIAL! (lightning flashes backward)  
  
SFX: DUUUUUNNN DUN DUN?  
  
WG: That's "Trial of Terror."  
  
FG: Arrrh, right. The Trial of Terror! (lightning flashes)  
  
SFX: DUN DUN...  
  
All: We know the drill!  
  
WG: Ahem. First you must go into the jungle and find the... LOST TEMPLE OF...SPORK!  
  
All: WHAAAAAAAAAAA?  
  
Rauru: GHASP! I though it was just a rumor! The holiest of Gorgeinite shines!  
  
Link: The what now?  
  
Rauru: The Gorgeinites. My religion. All is food...food is all...God is food...so sayeth the Cookbible. Oh ye of little faith...the world is my oyster, on the half shell, in linguini. Mmmmm, linguini...  
  
MD: Umm...impressive, I think...  
  
Rauru: ALL HAIL THE MAGIC SPORK! OOOBLEOOOBLEOOOBLEOOOB!  
  
Gannondorf: Please, you're spitting.  
  
Rauru: Wait, WHERE'S MY SPORK???  
  
WG: That's right! We have hidden your precious gorging spork deep within the Temple of Spork, and YOU MUST FIND IT!  
  
Rauru: GHASP! THE HOLY SPORK TAKEN? CRUSADERS! GRAB YER SWORDS!  
  
Zelda: Who, me?  
  
Rauru: SPORKUS LE VOLT!  
  
Link: The who now?  
  
Rauru: It's Latin. 'The Spork Wills It.'  
  
Link: Whatever.  
  
Rauru: GHASP! COME, LEGIONS OF THE SPORK! (jumps on armored war hippo) CHARGE! (barrels off through the forest)  
  
*long pause*  
  
DED: The audience is, frankly, stunned.  
  
MD: Another stupefying Rauru moment.  
  
Zelda: Well.  
  
Link: Well well.  
  
WG: Right. Well, if you should fail on your quest, you'll never see your precious precious spork again!  
  
Zelda: Fine by us.  
  
WG: *sigh* ...and, umm, I'll...CONFISCATE ALL THE HAIR GEL!  
  
Link and Zelda: NOOOOO! NOT THE HAIR GEL!  
  
WG: YES, THE HAIR GEL! _AND_ THE PERT PLUS FORTIFYING SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER FOR FINE HAIR!  
  
Link: Ha! Little do you know that I no longer use Pert Plus Fortifying Shampoo and Conditioner for Fine Hair! I've got the URGE TO HERBAL BABY!  
  
Zelda: Ha! Gotcha there!  
  
WG: *sighs* Fine, if you don't do it I'll kill you.  
  
Link: Ha! Little do you know that your insanity has drained us of our will to live!  
  
WG: DAMMIT! Umm...I'll...RELEASE THE HORRIBLE AND HIGHLY EMBARRASSING MOMENTS REVEALED IN CHAPTER 12, I'VE NEVER!  
  
All: OH NOOOOOO!  
  
DED: Ha! Little do you know that I already typed that up and put it on the Internet for all to see!  
  
WG: Wow, that's evil...kudos, man!  
  
DED: Charmed.  
  
FG: Umm...if you do it, I'll give up saying 'arrrrrh' for a while!  
  
All: YAHOO! GO GO GO!  
  
MD: AY OH! LEZ GO! BLITZKRIEG BOP!  
  
FG: Also, I'll stop Misty D from ever singing again!  
  
All: YAHOO!  
  
MD: Yahoo! Erm, yahoo?  
  
Link: All right, we'll play your twisted game, if only to stop Misty from singing any more.  
  
DED: EEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXIT LIGHT! EEEEEEEEEEENTER NIGHT! TAAAAAAAAAAAAKE MY HAND! WE'RE OFF TA NEVER NEVER LAND!  
  
Darunia: That's not to say YOU SHOULD SING EVEN MORE TO MAKE UP FOR IT!  
  
DED: It doesn't?  
  
Darunia: No. It most certainly does not.  
  
Link: Well, better get going then. Rauru is probably dead or something.  
  
Rauru: (off in the distance) Sooo...hungry...haven't eaten in...seconds...(disgusting chewing noises)  
  
Zelda: Or worse.  
  
Saria: Before you go, take this! (hands Link pile of twine)  
  
Link: I think I speak for Zelda as well as myself when I say, 'The hell?'  
  
Saria: Well...you neeeeever knoooooow...  
  
Link: Quit it! You sound like the creepy chick from 'Don't Say a Word!'  
  
Saria: Coooooool.  
  
Zelda: Well. So we have an insane fat guy, me, my lunkheaded lover, sticks, leaves, and a length of twine.  
  
Ruto: What would McGuyver do...?  
  
Link: He'd...make a helicopter out of the leaves, twigs, the fat guy, and the lunkhead, and fly off this island?  
  
Zelda: Well, I'm not McGuyver, and you...you're not smarter than a stump, so I don't think any helicopters will be involved.  
  
Link: Yeah...say, what's a helicopter? And who's McGuyver?  
  
Zelda: No matter. Let's go...  
  
Ganondorf: Wait! You gotta take my contribution! (hands Link dehumidifier)  
  
Zelda: Right. There's going to be AC power in the Temple of Spork to use it.  
  
Ganondorf: Hmm. Well. You could beat something with it...you know there might be spiders in there. Once, I knew this guy, and he said there were spiders that are the size of your hand, and they were all hairy, and it can suck your blood, and they eat human souls, and they can fly, and they're magic. Hit them with the dehumidifier!  
  
Link: Yeah. Right. So...  
  
Skull Kid: WAIT!  
  
All: OKAY!  
  
SK: I HAVE MY NUCLEAR GENERATOR THAT I USED FOR MISTYS BOOM BOX! YOU CAN USE THAT!  
  
MD: Why, he's right!  
  
Impa: Good idea, Skull Kid! Guess the new medication is working!  
  
SK: THAT, AND I HAVENT SAID ANYTHING FOR A WHILE.  
  
Malon: Here, take my brass knuckles too.  
  
Link: Umm... ok...just sit them on top of the dehumidifier...  
  
Ruto: And take my water gun! (sets it on Link's head)  
  
Link: Thank...you...(collapses from weight)  
  
Zelda: Time to go! La la la la la la la la....(skips merrily away)  
  
Link: Help...meee...  
  
*Spinning Triforce logo flies up to screen* DOODELY DOODELY DOO!  
  
*tickety tickety tickety* 9:25 A.M. SOME RANDOM JUNGLE ON SOME RANDOM ISLAND  
  
Zelda: Hey, it's Rauru.  
  
Rauru (leaning on hippo skeleton, picking teeth): *belch* Hi.  
  
Link: Did you eat your war hippo?  
  
Rauru: *glancing around at hippo carcass* No...  
  
Zelda: Thaaat's nice, lets get walking.  
  
Rauru: The what now?  
  
Zelda: Walk-ing. Using your feet for locomotion?  
  
Rauru: Wait, I have FEET? Haven't seen 'em in two centuries! *tries to push away flab in order to see feet, but fails*  
  
Link: Man, your nails must be like eight feet long.  
  
Rauru: Sot THAT'S that stabbing sensation I feel all the time!  
  
Zelda: Eeeeew...let's just go...  
  
Rauru: Gotcha! (rolls along on his flab) *hums* Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin' what? keep rollin' rollin' rollin'...  
  
Link: So...  
  
Zelda: Yeah.  
  
Rauru: GHASP!  
  
Link: What?  
  
Rauru: Vicious hippos!  
  
(numerous red, glowing eyes appear in foliage)  
  
Zelda: EEEEK!  
  
Giant hippo: Grunt...grunt...I am the Borax! I speak for the hippos!  
  
Link: Hi! I'm Link!  
  
Giant hippo: My beef is with the round one!  
  
Rauru: Mmmm...beef...  
  
Giant hippo: Precisely.  
  
Zelda: Umm, Rauru...they've got giant steak knives and bibs!  
  
Rauru: Nonsense! Let us settle this like men and hippos...  
  
Rauru and Giant Hippo: SUMO!!!  
  
Rauru: (rips off clothes to reveal giant jockstrap) HYOOOO!  
  
*Close-up on Rauru's expansive, hairy backside*  
  
Violins from Psycho soundtrack: REET REET REET!  
  
Zelda and Link: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT BURRRRRRNNS!  
  
Giant hippo: Impressive. The Fat is strong with this one...  
  
Rauru: Prepare to fight, giant hippo!  
  
Giant hippo: HYYYYA! (charges Rauru)  
  
Rauru: HYAAA! (charges giant hippo)  
  
*stock footage of giant explosion plays*  
  
Giant hippo: Join me Rauru...join me on the Dark Side of the Fat...  
  
Rauru: Never! *shoves hippo back*  
  
Giant hippo: Rauru.I.am.your.umm.line?  
  
Rauru: Father.  
  
Giant hippo: .father!  
  
Rauru: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *steps back*  
  
Giant hippo: Ha! I'm not your father! I'm actually your UNCLE! (attacks Rauru)  
  
Zelda: Is there something we should be doing here?  
  
Link: Umm.no. No there is not.  
  
Rauru: OH, REAL HELPFUL! I'M GETTING CRUSHED BY A GIANT HIPPO!  
  
Link: Whaddya want me to do about it!  
  
Rauru: STAB IT OR SOMETHING!  
  
Link: Oh right! *stabs hippo, but sword sinks in to the hilt, bounces back, and hits Link in the head* ::WHONK!:: OW! *passes out*  
  
Zelda: Oh criminy. I'd help you, but I'm too noodely!  
  
Rauru: Who will save me now?  
  
SUDDENLY, A CREEPY LOOKING GUY WITH AN OLD-FASHIONED WINDING REEL CAMERA UP TO HIS FACE APPEARS!  
  
Zelda: Who in tarnation is THIS guy?  
  
JUST THEN, THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY WHACKS THE GIANT HIPPO ON THE HEAD WITH HIS CAMERA!  
  
Giant hippo: Oy!  
  
THEN, THE FREAKY CAMERA GUY HOPS ON AN AUTO-GYRO AND FLIES AWAY!  
  
Rauru: THE HELL?  
  
Zelda: Didn't you ever see "The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin?"  
  
Link: (waking up) HOLY CREPE PAPER! I REMEMBER THAT SHOW! THERE WAS A CREEPY GUY WITH A HELECOPTER AND A CAMERA WHO WENT AROUND FILMING PEOPLE!  
  
Rauru: Anyway, HAVE AT THEE! *knocks hippo away*  
  
SUDDENLY, THERE'S A HUGE CLIFF RIGHT BEHIND THE HIPPO!  
  
Giant hippo: (falling to its death): The Fat will be with you.alwayssssssssssssssssss! ::sickening thud::  
  
Link: Well.  
  
Zelda: Well well.  
  
Rauru: Wellity wellity wellity.  
  
Link: Yep.  
  
Zelda: Yup.  
  
Rauru: GHASP! WITH A FREAKIN' "H" IN IT!  
  
Link: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah, lets go now.  
  
MEANWHILE:  
  
*tickity tickity tickity* 9:25 A.M. RANDOM ISLAND CABANA  
  
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY  
  
Everyone is watching the action on the TV! All thanks to.THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY!  
  
Saira: KILL THE HIPPO! KILL IT KILL IT MAKE IT DEAD DON'T STOP FOR NOTHIN'!  
  
DED: Uh oh, I think we're going insane.  
  
MD: Why?  
  
DED: Didn't you ever see "SeaLab 2021?"  
  
Saria: LEZ PLAY THE SMASHING GAME! *hefts giant wrench*  
  
Malon: Easy there! *restrains Saria*  
  
DED: The children are always the first to go.  
  
Impa: Wait wait wait! We're all going to go nuts if we just sit here. Let's do something.  
  
Mido: How about a nice, relaxing chant? That'll keep us sane.  
  
Ruto: Ok. I'll start. Ahem. Poop.  
  
Ganondorf: Toot?  
  
Darunia: Pooptoot.  
  
Saria: Poopy.  
  
Malon: Tooty.  
  
SK: POOPTOOT!  
  
Impa: Poop!  
  
Ganondorf: Toot!  
  
Darunia: Pooptoot!  
  
Saria: Poopy.  
  
Malon: Tooty.  
  
SK: POOPTOOT!  
  
Impa: Poop!  
  
Ganondorf: Toot!  
  
Darunia: Pooptoot!  
  
Saria: Poopy.  
  
Malon: Tooty.  
  
SK: POOPTOOT!  
  
Impa: Poop!  
  
Ganondorf: Toot!  
  
Darunia: Pooptoot!  
  
Saria: Poopy.  
  
Malon: Tooty.  
  
DED: SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OOOOPEN, GRIPPIN' YAH PILLOW TIGHT! EEEEXIT LIGHT.  
  
Mido: I SAID KEEP US _SANE!_ _SANE!_  
  
Ruto: Oh right.sorry. DED: HOLY CRUCIAN CARP! THIS CHAPTER'S FOURTEEN PAGES LONG ALREADY!  
  
MD: WE GOTTA TAKE A BREAK!  
  
SK: you all are talking in capitals so much i'll have to talk in all lower case to make up!  
  
DED: What?  
  
SK: OH, NOTHING!  
  
***  
  
What will become of the adventurers? Will Rauru remove the "H" when he gasps? Will anyone give a tinker's damn?  
  
FIND OUT!  
  
Next time on Containment: Link and co. are braving the dangers of the Temple of Spork! And back home, Saria's INSANE IN THA BRAIN!  
  
"Oh no! There's a bridge made out of old photographs and documents, but it's so humid in here that it's shortening their lifespan and causing the bridge to collapse! Whatever shall we do?"  
  
"MANGLE! MAUL! CRUSH! ANHILLIATE! EXPUNGE! FOLD! SPINDLE! MUTILATE! EXPOSE TO TEMPERATURES IN EXCESS OF 140 DIGREES! DO NOT STORE IN A COOL, DRY PLACE! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
"THE TWINE! I TOLD YOU YOU'D NEED THE TWINE! THE TWINE CONQUERS ALL! BOW BEFORE THE TWINE! SACRIFICE A THOUSAND VIRGINS IN THE NAME OF THE ALL- SEEING TWINE!" 


	22. Part TwentyTwo: Containment 5

AIRWZAC  
  
*** Part 23: Containment 5: The TEMPLE 'O SPORKS!  
  
***  
  
LAST TIME ON CONTAINMENT:  
  
"I HAVE FORMED A CONE OF SILENCE! NONE CAN HEAR OUR CONVERSATION!"  
  
"SPORKUS LE VOLT!"  
  
"The Fat will be with you...alwayssssssssssssssssss!"  
  
***  
  
Deep in the jungle:  
  
Rauru: *singing whilst chewing on hippo part* ...KNOCK ONE DOWN, BITE OFF ITS LEG, FORTY-SIX DELISCIOUS HIPPOS ON MY PLATE! FORTY-SIX...  
  
Link and Zelda: WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF???  
  
Rauru: Aww. I had just eaten fifty-four giant hippos in my imagination...  
  
Link: You've eaten fifty-four giant hippos in the last half-hour.  
  
Rauru: Wow! Dreams do come true!  
  
Zelda: Umm, not to put a damper on this festive, ravenous mood, but do you have the faintest inkling of where we're going?  
  
Link: Sure. Let me check the map.  
  
Rauru: ...FORTY-FIVE DELICIOUS HIPPOS ON MY PLATE! FORTY-FIVE...  
  
Zelda: Link, you drew that map. On a napkin.  
  
Link: Yeah? So?  
  
Zelda: Also, it's a map of your own house.  
  
Link: Nonsense! Ok, according to this, there's no jungle whatsoever here. Right. *walks into tree*  
  
Zelda: Remind me why I'm stuck with you.  
  
Link: ...And ten paces past the refrigerator. One, two, three...  
  
Meanwhile, back at the Bat-Cave of...um...the island house...  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
9:30 AM, I LOVE JELL-O. I MEAN, ISLAND CABANA.  
  
Skull Kid: OH MY GOD!!! LOOK AT THE SCREEN!!! IT'S EXPLODING!  
  
Impa: What are you talking about? It's just snow.  
  
Saria: What, the white fluffy stuff that falls from the sky and is cold?  
  
Impa: No, it's a technical term. It means static.  
  
Nabooru: What the kind of stuff you get when you rub a balloon on your head?  
  
Impa: What? What are you talking about?  
  
Nabooru: Look! *whips out balloon, begins rubbing it on Impa's head*  
  
Impa: WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING??? GERROFF!!!!  
  
Nabooru: But it's FUN! *takes balloon, begins rubbing own head* WHEEE!!  
  
Impa: Thaaaaaaaaaat's great. Anyhoo, static is...umm...that staticy stuff. That happens when you dont have your radio tuned to in between stations, or when you try to watch a TV station you don't get? THAT'S static.  
  
SK: WOW. REALLY DESCRIPTIVE.  
  
Impa: Hey, I'm not the one who thought seeing static on a TV meant it was exploding.  
  
Malon: As they say in Bohemian Rhapsody, "Fantastico". I'M going to the bathroom.  
  
Nabooru: How decisive. Love that take-charge attitude.  
  
Malon: I HAVE TO PEE! I'M OFF! (runs off)  
  
Ruto: Truly amazing. So. Let's play rock paper scissors?  
  
All: (monotone) Agreed.  
  
Ruto: Nabooru, I CHOOSE YOU!  
  
Nabooru: Okay, eh?  
  
Ruto: Ahem. Rock...  
  
Nabooru:...paper...  
  
Ruto: ...scissors...  
  
Nabooru: ...shoot, eh?  
  
Ruto: Scissors!  
  
Nabooru: Rock!  
  
Ruto: Umm...the scissors cut through the rock!  
  
Nabooru: What? You're cheating eh?  
  
Ruto: Umm...no! They're diamond-edged titanium scissors! And your rock was pumice.  
  
Nabooru: No way, eh?  
  
Ruto: Umm...maaaaaaaaaybe...I retire undefeated! (runs away)  
  
Nabooru: WOOT! I'm the rock paper scissors champion of the world!  
  
Gannondorf: But you're not only the best, you're the only. So you're the worst too. As well as the least intelligent, least attractive, least...  
  
Nabooru: Two things. Up and shut. Not necessarily in that order.  
  
Gannondorf: But it COULD be in that order. So, upshut? Why, how dare you!  
  
Darunia: I CHALLENGE YOU!  
  
Nabooru. Ok, whatever, eh?  
  
Darunia: If I win, you must not say "eh" for the rest of this chapter.  
  
Nabooru: All right...eh!  
  
Darunia: Rock...  
  
Nabooru: ...paper...  
  
Darunia: ...rock...  
  
Nabooru: Shoot!  
  
Darunia: ROCK!  
  
*Five minutes later...*  
  
Darunia: ROCK!  
  
Nabooru: Paper.  
  
Darunia: DANG! Lets try again.  
  
Nabooru: Paper.  
  
Darunia: Rock! Sonofa...  
  
Nabooru: That's thirty times in a row! You could try something other than rock...  
  
Darunia (staring uncomprehendingly): There's something other than rock?  
  
SK: HOW DO YOU PLAY IT ON DEATH MOUNTAIN?  
  
Darunia: There are a lot of ties.  
  
Nabooru: Riiiight...eh!  
  
Malon: I'M BACK! AND MY BLADDER'S EMPTIER THAN EVER!  
  
Gannondorf: Do you want a lifetime achievement award?  
  
Malon: Yes!  
  
Gannondorf: Well, you can't have one.  
  
Malon: Aww...well anyway, I broke the toilet.  
  
All: WHAT?  
  
Malon: Well, I accidentally dropped my Bowser medallion in the toilet. So I got a stick to fish it out with, but I dropped that in too. Then I was leaning over and my pager fell it. Then I tried to get that out but by cell phone fell in. Then I was trying to get those thing out when I got yucky toilet water on my dress, so I thought I would just throw that in there anyway. So then I just gave up and flushed it, but it kinda got stuck. So I poured a bucket of water on it, so it would go down, but it didn't work. So now there's water everywhere.  
  
(pause)  
  
All: GET MALON!!! (general melee)  
  
Malon: WAAAIT! STOP! OWW! I'LL...I'LL SING! DOO DOO DOOOOOOO, DOO DOO DOOOOOOOO, DOO DOO DOOOOOOOO DOOOOOOOOO DOOOOOOOOO...  
  
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MAKE IT STOP!  
  
Malon: Besides, I CAN FIX IT! YES I CAN!  
  
Ruto: HOW?  
  
Malon: Umm...just get me a plunger.  
  
SK: WE HAVE NO PLUNGER!  
  
(pause)  
  
All: THE TOILET'S BROKEN! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! (pandemonium ensues)  
  
DED: WAIT! HOLD IT!  
  
All: (freeze)  
  
DED: I can help.  
  
Darunia: What are you going to do?  
  
DED: Well...um...I...I got a cardboard box you can...umm...  
  
(pause)  
  
All: NO WAY!  
  
MD: Okay FINE! Lets see. How to fix broken toilet.  
  
DED: Hmm...  
  
MD: Hmm...  
  
(long thinking pause)  
  
DED: That's it! Cardboard box!  
  
All: *glare*  
  
DED: Or...  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
10:15 AM, MY FAVORITE FLAVOR IS LIME. I MEAN, IN THE WOODS.  
  
(Link, Zelda, and Rauru walk by a sign on a stick that says "Exact Same Spot")  
  
Link: Hey! We walked by the exact same spot!  
  
Zelda: Brilliant, Holmes!  
  
Rauru: Where's the Temple of Spork?  
  
Link: I don't know! We're going in circles!  
  
Rauru: AAAAAAAAAAH! IT'S STARTING TO BE LIKE THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT! WE'RE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (charges headfirst into tree)  
  
Link: (pause) ...umm...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (charges headfirst into tree)  
  
Zelda: SNAP OUT OF IT! THE HOUSE IS RIGHT THERE! (points)  
  
(everyone in the house waves)  
  
Link: Oh. Well...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
Zelda: WHAT IS IT?  
  
Link: I dunno. Just, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
Rauru: Hey! There's the temple! It was right there all along!  
  
Impa: (yelling from house) THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU! (points to giant Aztec temple right next to the house)  
  
Link: Ok, let's go! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
Zelda: (smacks forehead) Yi yi yi...  
  
Rauru: CHARGE!  
  
Link: Ok! (takes three steps) We're here! YAY!  
  
Rauru: But how do we get in? There's no door!  
  
Link: What? What kind of moron builds a temple with no door?  
  
DED: (yelling from house) YOU'LL HAVE TO CUT AWAY!  
  
Zelda: Cut away the wall?  
  
DED: NO, CUT AWAY TO ANOTHER SCENE!  
  
Rauru: What? How will that help?  
  
DED: IF YOU DO, THEN THERE'LL BE A BIG HOLE!  
  
Link: In the wall?  
  
DED: IN THE PLOT!  
  
Zelda: Ok...so...(starts twiddling thumbs)  
  
Link: COOL! I'll race you!  
  
Rauru: You're on! (starts twiddling thumbs at lightning speed)  
  
Link: No fair! False start!  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
10:45 AM, JELL-O IS THE MOST DELICIOUS FOOD ON THE WHOLE FREAKIN' PLANET. I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE.  
  
Mido: (playing SSB Melee as Roy) Hyyya! Kissama! Konichi-wa! Domo arigato Mr. Roboto!  
  
Gannondorf: (playing as himself) STOP SPEAKING MOCK JAPANESE LIKE YOUR FRUITY CHARACTER!  
  
Malon: (playing as Peach) Shut up both of you! Or I'll fling turnips at you! And kick really high and show you my underwear and blind you! And charge ass-backwards going "Chaa!" and explode!  
  
Saria: (playing as Samus) YOUR EXPLODING ASS ATTACK IS NO MATCH FOR MY MISSILES AND BOMBS AND ENERGY BEAMS!  
  
DED: I am becoming increasingly worried about Saria.  
  
Saria: MANGLE! MAUL! CRUSH! ANHILLIATE! EXPUNGE! FOLD! SPINDLE! MUTILATE! EXPOSE TO TEMPERATURES IN EXCESS OF 140 DIGREES! DO NOT STORE IN A COOL, DRY PLACE! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
MD: I concur.  
  
Ganondorf: What are we going to do about the toilet?  
  
Ruto: Yeah!  
  
(suddenly, screen goes static and turns to...WINDMILL GUY AND FISHING GUY!)  
  
WG: You need to fix the toilet, eeeh?  
  
Nabooru: Ya, eh?  
  
FG: ARRRH! YER CATCHPHRASE STINKS!  
  
WG: Well, if you dare to brave your SECOND Trial of Terror...  
  
(lightning flashes)  
  
SFX: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNN!  
  
WG: Okay, even I'm getting sick of that. Anyway, if you dare to brave your SECOND...umm...Ial-Tray of Error-Tay, you can...  
  
(lightning flashes)  
  
SFX: UN-DAY UN-DAY UNNNNNNNNNNNNNN-DAY!  
  
WG: (nods to FDL)  
  
FDL: Okies. (shoots blue energy from giant twisty sword at tech crew)  
  
Phil: AAAAAAH! (disintegrates)  
  
FG: Anyway, you can recover the Lost Toilet Plunger of Atlantis!  
  
Ruto: Why is everything lost around here?  
  
SK: YEAH! CAN'T ANYONE KEEP TRACK OF ANYTHING IN THIS DUMP?  
  
Impa: I mean, a toilet plunger, maybe, but a whole temple? No way.  
  
WG: WILL YOU SHUT UP! Just go outside and see!  
  
Everyone: (runs outside)  
  
WG: Malon, because you broke the toilet, you must go on the journey! And who else...hmm...how about the Skull Kid!  
  
SK: WOOT!  
  
Malon: NOOOOO!  
  
FG: And...Darunia! Arrrh!  
  
Darunia: EEEEK! NOOOO! I'M AFRAID OF THE WATER!  
  
DED: No you're not! I taught you how swim like thirteen chapters ago!  
  
Darunia: Oh, that's right! Cool! I'm not afraid anymore!  
  
SK: WE'RE GOING ON A TRIAL, WE'RE GOING ON A TRIAL, WE'RE GOING ON A TRIAL, WE...(repeats 200 times)  
  
Malon: That REALLY HAS TO STOP!  
  
Gryorg: Indubitably.  
  
FG: ARRH!  
  
Darunia: So how do we get to this lost toilet plunger if it's underwater?  
  
WG: You shall take...the Yellow Submarine! (yellow submarine surfaces in ocean)  
  
SK: COOL! WE'RE ALL GONNA LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE! YELLOW SUBMARINE! YELLOW SUBMARINE!  
  
Darunia: Why do we have to take along the 'Kid?  
  
SK: I HAVE EXPERIENCE! IN THE TOWN WHERE I WAS BORN, LIVED A MAN WHO WENT TO SEA! AND HE TOLD US OF HIS LIFE, IN THE LAND, OF SUBMARINES!  
  
Malon: There's some...song that I could be singing right now...something...appropriate...but...can't...put...my...finger...on...it.  
  
MD: You mean, "Yellow Submarine?" By the Beatles?  
  
Malon: No! Of course not! Where the hell did THAT come from?  
  
MD: Umm...it's a yellow submarine...you don't see many of those...  
  
Malon: What are you smoking?  
  
MD: Never mind...  
  
Malon: Oh that's right! I should sing DOO DOO DOOOOO! DOO DOO DOOOOOO! DOO DOO DOOOOOOOO DOOOOOOOO DOOOOOOO!  
  
All: AAAAAAAAAAAH! MAKE IT STOP!  
  
WG: ENOUGH! Go into the submarine and you will find a map! The map will lead you to the Lost Toilet Plunger of Atlantis!  
  
Darunia: Well laa dee daa.  
  
Malon: Okay! Just as soon as we finish our SSB match.  
  
FG: WHAT? ARRRH! GET ON THE SHIP!  
  
SK: NO! WE'LL DO IT LATER!  
  
FG: WHEN LATER?  
  
DED: I dunno, next chapter.  
  
MD: Meh.  
  
FG: Arrrh, whatever.  
  
DED: Let's wait 'till the Z-gang is done with the temple 'o sporks.  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
12:20 AM, WHAT KIND OF WARPED HUMAN BEING WOULDN'T LOVE JELL-O AS MUCH AS I DO? I MEAN, IN THE TEMPLE OF SPORK.  
  
Zelda: Hey! It worked!  
  
Link: It did?  
  
Rauru: Yeah! Didn't you see the tickety script thing?  
  
Link: You mean, about the Jell-O?  
  
Zelda: NO! He said we're in the Temple of Spork now!  
  
Link: OH! So we are! Wicked!  
  
Rauru: Lets GO! ONWARD! (rolls down the hall)  
  
Link: Okay!  
  
Rauru: Keep on rollin' baby...you know what time it is!  
  
Zelda: Time to...WATCH OUT FOR TRAPS! AAAAAAAH! (giant sythe blade springs out of the wall)  
  
Link: Hey look! A penny! (ducks) Oh, it's just my shoe.  
  
Zelda: GASP GASP GASP...  
  
Rauru: You mean GHASP!  
  
Zelda: NO I DON'T!  
  
Link: Hey! A treasure chest! (opens chest)  
  
(LOZ chest-opening music plays)  
  
Soundtrack: Doodeleedle doodeleedle doodeleedle doodeleedel daa daaa...DAAA...DAAA DADA DA DAAAAAAA!  
  
Link: (hands raised, with map rotating above his head) Yay!  
  
Mysterious celing voice: You found the map! Press the Start button and open the Map menu to view the dungeon!  
  
Rauru: WHO SAID THAT?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (charges headfirst into wall)  
  
Zelda: Riight. Lets go then. (opens door)  
  
Link: Gasp!  
  
Zelda: Gasp!  
  
Rauru: Ghasp! H-ified!  
  
Link: What in the name of high-school football? They're...  
  
Rauru: EVIL SPORK PRIESTS!  
  
Six-foot tall, living spork, wearing cleric's robes: DEFILERS OF THE SACRED SHRINE OF SPORK! DIE! (charges tines first)  
  
Link: Have at thee! (chops, but sword bounces off plastic)  
  
SFTLSWCR: Attack, my minions! (hundreds of tiny sporks attack)  
  
Link: AAAAAAAH! EVIL SPORKS ON FACE! GETEMOFFGETEMOFF! (swats wildly at own face)  
  
Zelda: Umm..what shall I do? Wait! I got it! (reaches into purse, pulls out impossibly large hairspray container) EAT FLOROCARBONS! (spritzes whole room)  
  
SFTLSWCR: AH! I'M MELLLLLLLLLTIIIIIIIIING!  
  
(LOZ you've-done-something-important-music plays)  
  
Soundtrack: DEEDLE LOODLE LOODELY DING! (door on other side of room opens)  
  
Rauru: Good thinking, Zelda!  
  
Link: Phew! Thank goodness!  
  
(loud, obnoxious beeping begins)  
  
SFX: BEEBEEP! BEEBEEP! BEEBEEP!  
  
Zelda: (shouting over the beeping) WHAT IS THAT INFERNAL BEEPING?  
  
Rauru: WHAT?  
  
Link: I THINK I TOOK TOO MUCH DAMAGE AND NOW I ONLY HAVE ONE HEART LEFT!  
  
Zelda: THEN FIND MORE!  
  
Link: OK! (searches melted body of spork, finds heart) Ahhhh...refreshing...  
  
(beeping stops)  
  
Link: (going through door) Hey! There's a bunch of sporks in here! Like, crates of them!  
  
Rauru: AHA! I'll bet they hid my spork somewhere in here!  
  
Zelda: But how will we find it? There must be a thousand sporks here!  
  
Rauru: Fear not! I shall use my amazing magical powers of divination!  
  
Link: What?  
  
Rauru: (opens a box of sporks) Behold! (picks up spork) Nope, not it. (picks up another spork) Nope. (picks up another spork) Nope. (picks up another spork) Nope.  
  
Zelda: THAT'S IT?  
  
Rauru: Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.  
  
Link: Sigh...hey! Thumb-twiddling race!  
  
Zelda: You're on!  
  
(twiddle twiddle twiddle)  
  
Rauru: Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
1:10 PM: TIME FOR MORE JELL-O. I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE.  
  
Gannondorf: Shouldn't we be watching the guys in the Temple of Spork?  
  
Malon: No! This is much more interesting!  
  
DED: But what about the sporks?  
  
SK: NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE SPORKS!  
  
MD: But I care about the sporks!  
  
SK: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE SPORKS!  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
2:45 PM, JELL-O! JELL-O! JELL-O! JELL-O! JELL-O! JELL-O! I MEAN, IN THE TEMPLE.  
  
Rauru: (singing to tune of "The Day-O Song") Hey that Rauru man, eatin' me banana, Rauru come and de food all gone, Hey that Rauru man, eatin' me banana, Rauru come and de food all gone, he eat one cake, two cake, three cake four! HUH! Rauru come and de food all gone! He eat six cake seven cake eight cake more! HUH Rauru come and de food all gone...  
  
Zelda: Have you found the freaking fork yet?  
  
Rauru: GHASP! IT IS NO MERE FORK! It is a fork that has consumed the essence of a spoon, and in doing so has become not spoon nor fork, but something more! It is...A SPORK! DAAAAA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
  
Link: (claps) Bravo?  
  
Rauru: Well, we're down to the last spork, so it must...IT'S NOT IT!  
  
Zelda: WHAT?  
  
Rauru: I'VE LOOKED THROUGH EVERY SINGLE SPORK HERE, AND NONE OF THEM ARE MY SACRED SPORK OF GORGING!  
  
Zelda: You mean you've been looking and haven't found it...FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF?!?  
  
Rauru: Yes! Those magnificent bastards! I salute them!  
  
Link: Oh, there was another door over here all along.  
  
Zelda: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG!  
  
Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Ok Rauru, your turn!  
  
Rauru: Umm...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Hee hee hee! Fun...  
  
SUDDENLY, THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY APEARS FROM A BOX! AND STARTS FILMING!  
  
Link: The hell? He's still here!  
  
Rauru: HI MISTER C-C-G! CAN I EAT YOU?  
  
BUT THE CCG SAYS NOTHING! HE ONLY SCAMPERS OFF INTO THE DARKNESS!  
  
Zelda: Let's just go...  
  
Link: OK! ONWARD AND UPWARD! OR FOREWARD! OR LEFTWARD! OR MAYBE RIGHTWARD DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU'RE STANDING!  
  
Rauru: JUST GO!  
  
Link: RIGHT! (opens door)  
  
Zelda: Gasp!  
  
Rauru: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU IT'S PRONOUNCED GHASP!  
  
Zelda: Oh no! There's a bridge made out of old photographs and documents, but it's so humid in here that it's shortening their lifespan and causing the bridge to collapse! Whatever shall we do?  
  
Rauru: EAT THEM?  
  
Zelda: NO! Link, you've got to think hard! Think really hard! Think harder than you've ever thought before!  
  
Link: (eyes cross) Duuuuuhhhh...  
  
(tense pause)  
  
Zelda: THIIIIINK!  
  
Link: I've GOT IT! Think back! What did Gannondorf say?  
  
Rauru: Umm..."CURSE YOU SAGES! CURSE YOU ZELDA! CUR..."  
  
Link: No wait, that's not it...  
  
Zelda: Umm..."I wanna watch Blues Clues?"  
  
Link: No! Something about...  
  
Rauru: Was it, "Guess what I found in my nose today! Guess!"  
  
Link: NO! It was something about...DEHUMIDIFIERS!  
  
Rauru: GHASP!  
  
Link: (pulls out dehumidifier from giant pockets) TADAAAAAAA!  
  
Zelda: Quick Link! Get out the atomic pile to power it!  
  
Rauru: Hey, there's a wall outlet over there.  
  
Link: YAY! "Oh sure Link, like there'll be AC power in the Temple of Spork..." *sticks out tounge*  
  
Zelda: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh...  
  
Link: NO TIME TO RUB YOUR NOSE IN IT! MUST SAVE BRIDGE! (plugs in dehumidifier)  
  
Dehumidifier: Pthunk glunk chug chug chug chug chug...  
  
Zelda: Aaaaah...unhumid...  
  
Rauru: Look! It's working!  
  
(bridge made of old photographs stops disintegrating)  
  
Link: YAY!  
  
Zelda: Let's go!  
  
Link: Wait! What's THAT?  
  
SUDDENLY, THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY APPEARS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BRIDGE!  
  
Rauru: WHAT?  
  
Link: Wait! Wasn't he just...but he couldn't have...he was right over...there...  
  
Zelda: CREEPY!  
  
Rauru: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (charges headfirst off the edge into the pit)  
  
Link: OH NO!  
  
Zelda: Save him! Or the world will lose one more Santa!  
  
Link: THAT'S IT! THE TWINE!  
  
Zelda: Where did you get THAT from?  
  
Link: You know! Santa...twine...they're...NEVER MIND! (ties twine around arrow) I'M A-COMMIN', RAURU! (shoots arrow)  
  
Rauru: I'VE BEEN FALLING FOR THIRTY SECONDS NOW! BUT I HAVN'T HIT ANYTHING! WHERE'S THE BOTTOM ANYWAY? Hey look, an arrow! Cool! (grabs arrow)  
  
Link: Uh oh...QUICK! TIE IT ON TO SOMETHING!  
  
Zelda: WHERE?  
  
Link: ON...HIM! (points to CCG, who is somehow right next to Zelda)  
  
Zelda: Wait! The CCG was just...over...there...but now...the pit...here...umm...  
  
Link: JUST TIE!  
  
SO ZELDA TIES THE TWINE TO THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY! AND THE LENGTH OF TWINE RUNS OUT! BUT THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY IS ABLE TO LIFT RAURU SOMEHOW!  
  
Rauru: (Climbing out) THAT WAS SOOOOO SWEET! LET ME DO IT AGAIN!  
  
Zelda: NO!  
  
Link: Lets get across that bridge!  
  
(everyone crosses)  
  
Rauau: Phew...  
  
Zelda: Thank you, creepy camera guy! But who are you? And why are you helping us?  
  
Link: I know who the creepy camera guy is! His name is Louie!  
  
Zelda: How in God's name do you know that?  
  
Link: I went to this Teddy Ruxpin fan site! And they said he was named Louie!  
  
Zelda: That is truly pathetic.  
  
Link: So? What do YOU do with your free time?  
  
Zelda: DON'T YOU READ? THERE'S BEEN LIKE FIFTY CHAPTERS WRITTEN ON THAT SUBJECT! IT'S BEING WRITTEN RIGHT NOW!  
  
Link: Oh right!  
  
BUT WHILE THEY WERE TALKING THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY, USING HIS MAD NINJITZU SKILLS, DISSAPEARED INTO THE SHADOWS!  
  
Rauru: Hey! There's another door!  
  
Link: EXCELLENT! (opens door)  
  
Zelda: Look! Another chest!  
  
Link: (walking up to chest) Come to pappa, baby! (area around chest bursts into flame) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGH! I'M ON FIRE! HELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELP! (runs around in circles) Help...help...help...I'm better. Oh. Umm, well...the point is, the fire is still there.  
  
Zelda: But how to get rid of it?  
  
Rauru: I KNOW!  
  
Link: Huh?  
  
Zelda How?  
  
Rauru: (takes out Ruto's water gun and sprays fire) Ha! (fire goes out)  
  
Link: But...but...don't you have to kill an enemy or something? Step on a switch?  
  
Rauru: Why? It's a _fire_.  
  
Link: Well...I guess...  
  
Zelda: Man Rauru! You're smart!  
  
Rauru: But it's just a fire! Common sense!  
  
Link: Boy, do I ever feel stupid! I found fires like this all the time, and I always had to step on switches and kill things to make it...  
  
Zelda: Just open the chest!  
  
(LOZ chest-opening-music plays)  
  
Soundtrack: Doodeleedle doodeleedle doodeleedle doodeleedel daa daaa...DAAA...DAAA DADA DA DAAAAAAA!  
  
(Link holds up compass over head)  
  
Mysterious Ceiling Voice: You found the compass! Now you can see the room where the boss lurks!  
  
Rauru: THE CEILING IS TALKING TO ME! AAAAAAAAAH!  
  
Link: Wait a minute. Since when does a compass tell you where people are? It can only tell you where north is.  
  
Rauru: IT'S HAUNTED BY THE GHOST OF SPORKMAS FUTURE!  
  
Zelda: Sporkmas?  
  
Rauru: You know, Sporkmas. You cut down your own spork and put it in your living room and cover it with decorations, and when you go to sleep on Sporkmas Eve, Sporka Claus comes and leaves presents of sporks for you?  
  
Zelda: No. No I do not.  
  
Link: Hey! Yet another door!  
  
(Link opens door)  
  
Zelda: Look! Down the hallway!  
  
Rauru: THE SPORK! GHASP! (charges down the hallway)  
  
Zelda: LOOK OUT! THERE MIGHT BE TRAPS!  
  
Rauru: (getting shot with poison darts) Hey! They's shootin' poison darts at me! (grabs dart and licks point) Hmm...golden arrow frog venom, if I'm not mistaken...(licks some more) Yep, golden arrow frog.  
  
Link: Umm, are you the least concerned with the poison that's coursing through your bloodstream right now? I mean, one drop can kill at least ten people, or you!  
  
Rauru: Naw, I'm closer to twenty people.  
  
Zelda: Well, okay...at least the traps are sprung.  
  
Link: TO THE SPORK!  
  
Rauru: WAIT! (sniffs air) I...smell...BARBQUE UPSTAIRS! (leaps up and smashes through the ceiling)  
  
Link: Riiight. Anyway, let me get the spork! (picks up the spork)  
  
(LOZ chest-opening-music plays)  
  
Soundtrack: Doodeleedle doodeleedle doodeleedle doodeleedel daa daaa...DAAA...DAAA DADA DA DAAAAAAA!  
  
Zelda: That's getting to be almost as annoying as the "DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNN."  
  
Mysterious Ceiling Voice: You've recovered the Spork of Gorging! In the hands of Rauru it can defeat any food-based enemy with ease!  
  
Link: Oh THAT'S helpful.  
  
(the pedistal that the spork was on begins to sink into the ground, with rumbling noises everywhere)  
  
Zelda: Yuh-oh...  
  
Rauru: (faintly from above) Aww, it's just crazed cultists cooking human flesh. And...THE COLESLAW HAS PINEAPPLE IN IT!  
  
(trapdoor behind pedistal opens, Rauru falls through)  
  
Rauru: Oh hi! (starts rolling) Whoa...WAAAAAAAAA!  
  
Link: (now suddenly wearing Indiana Jones hat) RUN!  
  
Zelda: AAAAAAAH!  
  
(Rauru rolls like Indiana Jones boulder)  
  
Zelda: There's a pit there! Give me the twine! (swings across using twine as a grappling hook)  
  
Link: Now throw it back to me! Quickly!  
  
Zelda: There's no time! (runs off)  
  
Link: Oh, for the love of...hey wait a minute, the pit's only like three feet deep. (Walks across)  
  
Rauru: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOH! LOOOOOOOK OUT!!!  
  
Link: GLEEP! (runs away and catches up with Zelda) HEY! THANKS A LOT ZEL!  
  
Zelda: HEY! I THOUGHT I WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU! IS THAT SUCH A CRIME?  
  
Link: YES! IN THERE! (ducks into alcove)  
  
Zelda: YIPE! (follows Link)  
  
Rauru: (rolling past) ZEPPLIN RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULES...!  
  
Link: Whatever. Hey! The Boss Door!  
  
Zelda: You're right! Do you have the Boss Key?  
  
Link: Let me check. Umm...lets see...(takes out giant key ring) lets see...small key, small key, small key, small key, small key, small key...  
  
Zelda: Why all the small keys?  
  
Link: Oh, whenever I open the door to my house, or start my car, I loose one. They're one-time only, for some reason. That's why I can't just take one small key and open all the doors in a dungeon. Pisses me off...  
  
Zelda: Umm...right.  
  
Link: ...key to treehouse, key to green Jaguar S-Type, key to green VW Bug, key to green hovercraft, key to green F-12 Phantom, key to the green Millenium Falcon, key to Zelda's underwear drawer...  
  
Zelda: WHAT? WHY DO YOU HAVE A KEY TO MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER? DO YOU WEAR MY UNDERWEAR OR SOMETHING?  
  
Link: It's strictly a comfort thing! Ok, key to my horse, key to my heart, answer key, Escape key, primary key...(hefts giant key)...key to the city, key to discovery and imagination, key player, key position, Key Largo, Key West, key lime pie, aaaaand...Boss Key! Here we go! (opens door)  
  
Zelda: You go first.  
  
Link: Okay! (wanders into room) All clear! All safe! All...(gets hit with giant refried bean) DEADLY!  
  
BURRITOAD: ENORMOUS EVIL ENCHILADDA ENTREE  
  
Burritoad: YARRRRGH!  
  
Link: AAAH! GIANT MEXICAN DISH!  
  
Zelda: DO SOMETHING!  
  
Link: (hacks with sword) It's not working!  
  
Zelda: If only Rauru was here!  
  
Rauru: (swinging from ceiling on giant piece of string cheese) SANTIAGO! (lands on Burritoad)  
  
Burritoad: GRAAG! (tries to grab Rauru)  
  
Rauru: (biting Burritoad) Grunt...too...tough...need...utensil...  
  
Link: (tossing Rauru the Gorging Spork) FEAST! FEAST FOR YOUR LIFE!  
  
Rauru: Too dangerous! Stun it somehow!  
  
Zelda: (taking out Malon's brass knuckles) HYAAA! BITCH-SLAP ATTACK! (smacks Burritoad)  
  
Burritoad: Duuuuuuuuuuhhh...(stands still)  
  
Rauru: FOR THE HOLY SPORK! OOOBLEOOOBLEOOOBLEOOOB! (starts gouging chunks out of Burritoad and eating them)  
  
Zelda: Good job Rauru!  
  
Rauru: But by the time I eat the whole thing it will be too late! Who will save us now?  
  
SUDDENLY! THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY, IN HIS AUTO-GYRO, FLIES IN AND DROPS A CHERRY BOMB INTO THE BURRITO!  
  
Link: HIT THE DECK!  
  
Burritoad: Bwuh? (explodes)  
  
Zelda: AAAAAAAAH!  
  
Rauru: (standing with mouth open) YUM!  
  
(OOT beaten-boss-music plays)  
  
Soundtrack: Dun dunnnnn...DUN DUN DUN, DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!  
  
Link: What, no Heart Container?  
  
Zelda: EVEN BETTER! LOOK! (points to remains of burrito)  
  
Link: It's...PERT PLUS FORTIFYING SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER FOR FINE HAIR!  
  
Rauru: I thought you had the urge to herbal!  
  
Link: OH! BUT I COULD NEVER FORGET YOU, PERT PLUS SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER FOR FINE HAIR! (hugs bottles)  
  
Zelda: Riiiiight.  
  
(circle of blue light appears)  
  
Link: YAY! WE'RE OUTTA HERE! (steps into circle of light, floats upward and dissapears)  
  
Zelda: YES! WE'RE GONE! (steps into circle of light, floats upward and dissapears)  
  
Rauru: YEEEEHAW! SO LONG, SUCKERS! (steps into circle of light, floats upward very slowly, but stops) HEY! (more circles of light shine on him, and he floats upward and dissapears)  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
3:00 PM: YOU WANT THE JELL-O? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE JELL-O! I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE.  
  
Impa: Look! There they are!  
  
Link: (floating down) I'm back!  
  
Zelda: (floating down) And we've got the spork!  
  
Rauru: (falling out of the sky) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *THUD!* Meeeowth! That's right!  
  
Zelda: Ooooookay.  
  
DED: So how was the Temple of Spork?  
  
Link: I must say that was one goofy-ass dungeon.  
  
Nabooru: But the important thing is you're back, eh?  
  
Link: YEP! And we've done our first Trial!  
  
Saria: (demonic grin on face) DIDJA USE THE TWINE? HUH HUH HUH DIDJA DIDJA DIDJA?  
  
Link: Well...yeah...  
  
Saria: THE TWINE! I TOLD YOU YOU'D NEED THE TWINE! THE TWINE CONQUERS ALL! BOW BEFORE THE TWINE! SACRIFICE A THOUSAND VIRGINS IN THE NAME OF THE ALL- SEEING TWINE!  
  
MD: QUICK! QUARRINTENE SARIA BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!  
  
(Gannondorf takes Saria away)  
  
Saria: YOU CAN'T SILENCE THE TRUTH! THE TWINE HAS POWERS! AWESOME POWERS! BEEEWARE THE WRATH OF TWIIIIIIIINE!  
  
WG: (on TV) Now! Get some rest and have some food! Because tomorrow, you embark on your SECOND TRIAL!  
  
FG: ARRRRH!  
  
Zelda: Hey! You said if we did the quest you'd stop saying ARRH!  
  
FG: I lied. ARRRRH! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Gryorg: Indubitably.  
  
Malon: I hate to interrupt this enthralling conversation, but I should tell you, I broke the toilet.  
  
(pause)  
  
Link, Zelda, and Rauru: GET MALON! (general melee again)  
  
Darunia: STOP! SHE'LL SING!  
  
Malon: (desparately) DOO DOO DOOOOO! DOO DOO DOOOOOOO! DOO DOO DOOOOOOO DOOOOOOOOOOO DOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
All: AAAAAAAAAAH! MAKE IT STOP!  
  
SK: WE'RE GOING ON A MISSION TO FIX THE TOILET!  
  
Link: Oh, all right.  
  
Rauru: Now then, WHO WANTS HIPPO BURGERS?  
  
All but Saria: ME ME ME!  
  
Saria: NO YOU FOOLS! DON'T YOU SEE? THE HIPPOS WILL BE THE DEATH OF US ALL! THEY'RE WATCHING US RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT NOOOOOOOOOOOW!  
  
***  
  
What will become of the toilet? What undersea adventures will Malon and crew encounter deep beneath the waves? Will Rauru ever stop going "ghasp?" Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? MY ASS! That is to say, FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON CONTAINMENT!  
  
Next time on Containment: A COUPLE OF LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA!  
  
"CAN'T YOU MAKE ANYTHING OTHER THAN SAUSAGE?"  
  
"I can bi-locate. And assume the form of animals. You can't?"  
  
"I'm a talking ostrich! See?"  
  
"WE FIXED THE TOILET! HAL-LAY-LOO-GEE-YA!" 


	23. Part TwentyThree: Containment 6

AIRWZAC  
  
***  
  
Chapter 24: Containment Numero Five-o: YO HO YO HO A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!  
  
***  
  
Last time on Containment:  
  
"THE TOILET'S BROKEN! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
"YOUR EXPLODING ASS ATTACK IS NO MATCH FOR MY MISSILES AND BOMBS AND ENERGY BEAMS!"  
  
"COOL! WE'RE ALL GONNA LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE! YELLOW SUBMARINE! YELLOW SUBMARINE!"  
  
***  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
After a night similar to that of Chapter 21:  
  
10:20 AM, NANNA NANNA NANNA NANNA NANNA NANNA NANNA NANNA JELL-O! I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE  
  
Rauru: Ahhh. What a restful night.  
  
Ruto: ONCE AGAIN MY RETNAS HAVE BEEN FRIED! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
Link: I'm NEVER GONNA SCORE! WAAAAAAAAAAAH! (starts crying)  
  
Impa: What's for breakfast?  
  
DED: Let me guess. Hippo.  
  
Rauru: Nope! Even better! HIPPO!  
  
DED: Umm...yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah...  
  
Rauru: Today we have hippo sausages.  
  
Mido: I don't like sausages. Can you make something else?  
  
Rauru: Sure. How about bratwurst?  
  
Mido: No, see, that's still a sausage.  
  
Rauru: Breakfast links?  
  
Mido: No...  
  
Rauru: Knockwurst? Hot dogs? Keilbasa?  
  
Mido: NO! THOSE ARE ALL SAUSAGES!  
  
Rauru: Blood sausage?  
  
Mido: THAT'S STILL A SAUSAGE!  
  
Rauru: Frankfurters? Wieners? Dachund sausages?  
  
Mido: THOSE ARE ALL NAMES FOR HOT DOGS! AND A HOT DOG IS A SAUSAGE!  
  
Rauru: Snausages?  
  
Mido: THOSE ARE DOG TREATS! AND THEY'RE STILL SAUSAGES!  
  
Rauru: How about...(thinks)...THAT'S IT! SAUSAGE!  
  
Mido: CAN'T YOU MAKE ANYTHING OTHER THAN SAUSAGE?  
  
Rauru: (uncomprihendingly) ...other...than...sausage? Well...I suppose I COULD...technically...but...why?  
  
Mido: OH FORGET IT! I'll just share Saria's stick.  
  
Saria: (wearing straightjacket and muzzle) MMMPH! (chews on stick)  
  
WG: Okay! Time's up! Get ready for TRIAL!  
  
Everyong: (spewing out semi-chewed sausage) WHAT?  
  
Darunia: (eating bike) Oh! (grabs sausage, chews, and spews out)  
  
FG: ARRRRH! TIME FER YE LUBBERS TO EARN YER SEA LEGS!  
  
Link: I see legs...some damn nice legs...(staring at Zelda)  
  
Zelda: EEEW! STOP UNDRESSING ME WITH YOUR EYES!  
  
Ruto: Yeah you perv!  
  
Zelda: THAT'LL TAKE FOREVER! USE YOUR HANDS INSTEAD!  
  
Link: CAN DO! (leads Zelda off, giggling)  
  
Ruto: Oh. Riiight.  
  
FDL: HOWDY!  
  
Nabooru: Eh?  
  
FDL: What? I haven't said anything for awhile.  
  
FG: ARRRH! OKIE-DOKEY!  
  
WG: NOW GET ON THAT SUBMARINE!  
  
Darunia, SK, and Malon: AAAAAAH! WE'VE GOT TERROR SIGN!  
  
Everyone Else: BUH-BYE!  
  
Zelda (offscreen): Ooo! Ooo yeah! Yes yes yes yes!  
  
Everyone: KEEP IT DOWN YA PERVS!  
  
Link (offstage): OK! GOTCHA! ABSOLUTELY!  
  
Gannondorf: Whatever.  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
11:00 AM, NA NA NA NA NA, NAAAAAAAAAA NAAA! HEY! NA NA NA NA, NA NAAAAAAAAAA NA, JELL-O! NA NA NA NA! I MEAN, ON THE YELLOW SUBMARINE  
  
Malon: Okay! I'm Commodore Malon!  
  
SK: I WANNA BE CAPTIAN!  
  
Malon: Umm...is captian higher than commodore? I don't think so.  
  
SK: I'M CAP'N CORPSE! PUTRIEFY ME, CAP'N!  
  
Darunia: Whatever. I'll be Rear Admiral!  
  
Malon: Why?  
  
Darunia: 'Cause I'm qualified! (reveals shiny polished butt)  
  
Malon: EEEEEEW! PUT IT AWAY!  
  
SK: I'M GONNA CHECK OUT THE BATHROOM!  
  
Darunia: GOOD FOR YOU!  
  
Malon: WHY ARE WE ALL YELLING?  
  
Darunia: BECAUSE BEING LOUD MAKES YOU SOUND SMART!  
  
SK: CORRECT!  
  
Malon: Hey! It's starting up! I'll take the helm!  
  
Darunia: I'll take the cake!  
  
SK: AND _I'LL_ TAKE A CRAP! AWAAAAAAAAAAAAY!  
  
Malon: Right. (grabs old-gallion-style steering wheel)  
  
Darunia: I'll be a backseat sailor. HARD A'STARBOARD LADDIES! YOU'RE GOING WAY TOO FAST! NOW YOU'RE GOING TOO SLOW! DAMN THE TORPEDOES!  
  
Malon: We have torpedoes?  
  
Darunia: Yep!  
  
Malon: Sweet!  
  
SK: I HAVE RETURNED FROM MY SCOUTING EXPIDITION!  
  
Darunia: To the bathroom?  
  
SK: PRECISELY! I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT SHIP'S BATHROOMS ARE CALLED HEADS!  
  
Malon: Rilly?  
  
SK: YEP! SO WHEN THE SIGNS HERE SAY "WATCH YOUR HEAD" THEY MEAN TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE BATHROOM!  
  
Darunia: Umm...Skull Kid...? I don't think that's what they...  
  
SK: AND FOR GOOD REASON! AN ENEMY COULD SWIM UP OUT OF THE TOILET AT ANY TIME!  
  
Malon: I tend to highly doubt that. Besides, they mean the head that's attached to your neck.  
  
SK: NOT IN MY CASE! (removes head and bounces it off knees like a soccer ball)  
  
Darunia: COOL! Wonder if I can do that? (tries to remove head)  
  
Malon: Stop it both of you! Put your head back on!  
  
SK: (replacing head, speaking totally without pause) HEY! I JUST THOUHT OF SOMETHING! THE SIGN SAYS TO WATCH YOUR HEAD BUT IF YOUR EYES ARE ON YOUR HEAD YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY WATCH YOUR OWN HEAD I MEAN I CAN EVEN TAKE MY HEAD OFF BUT I STILL CAN'T WATCH IT I SUPPOSE YOU COULD USE A MIRROR BUT THAT WOULDN'T BE REALLY WATCHING YOUR HEAD BECAUSE YOU'D BE WATCHING AN IMAGE OF YOUR HEAD BEING REFLECTED OFF A POLISHED SURFACE OF GLASS AND IF THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO THEN THE SIGNS WOULD SAY "WATCH AN IMAGE OF YOUR HEAD BEING REFLECTED OFF A POLISHED SURFACE OF GLASS" AND THEY DON'T DO THEY? ACTUALLY YOU KNOW DEADEYEDAVE HE HAS REAL LONG HAIR AND IT HANGS IN HIS EYES AND HE CAN SEE IT!  
  
DED: (suddenly appearing) See? I do! (points at hair)  
  
Malon: How did you get here?  
  
DED: Bi-location?  
  
Malon: Oh, well I guess that makes sen...WHAT?  
  
DED: I can bi-locate. And assume the form of animals. You can't?  
  
Darunia: No, of course we can't!  
  
DED: OH THAT'S RIGHT! YOU'RE NOT AUTHORS! HAHAHA! WATCH! (takes out PDA and types something, suddenly turning into an ostrich)  
  
Malon: THE HELL?  
  
DED: SQUAK! (types something else) Ahh. I can talk now! I'm a talking ostrich! See?  
  
Darunia: Very impressive.  
  
DED: OK! I'M OUTTA HERE! (suddenly disappears)  
  
SK: ANYWAY LIKE I WAS SAYING HE HAS LONG HAIR AND HE CAN WATCH THAT BUT IS THAT REALLY WATCHING YOUR HEAD I GUESS IT SORT OF IS BECAUSE YOUR HAIR IS A PART OF YOUR HEAD BUT DO THEY REALLY MEAN THAT YOU CAN WATCH ONLY PART OF YOUR HEAD LIKE YOUR NOSE OR SOMETHING OR DO YOU HAVE TO MONITOR THE WHOLE THING BECAUSE IT WOULD SEEM LIKE JUST WATCHING YOUR NOSE WOULDN'T BE VERY...  
  
Malon: NEVER MIND!  
  
Darunia: So, we're off?  
  
Malon: Yep! ANCHORS AWEIGH!  
  
AND THE SUB SPUTTERS OFF! DAA DAA DAA DAA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
11:40 AM: DO THE JELL-O! DA DA DA DA DADA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DADA DA DA DA...I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE  
  
Saria: I'm bored. Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.  
  
MD: Well, what do you want to do?  
  
Saria: I KNOW! LEZ PLAY SHOOTS AND LADDERS!  
  
MD: Chutes and Ladders?  
  
Saria: NO! _SHOOTS_ AND LADDERS! (takes out gun and ladder, starts firing randomly)  
  
DED: HIT THE DECK!  
  
All: AAAAAAAAH!  
  
Impa: STOP SARIA! I'LL GIVE YOU CANDY!  
  
Saria: I DEMAND SMARTIES! OR THE HOSTAGES DIE!  
  
Mido: She has hostages?  
  
Nabooru: Get her what she wants! She's insane, eh?  
  
DED: Okay, we'll submit to your twisted demands! (types something and bag after bag of Smarties rain on Saria)  
  
Saria: WOOHOO! SMARTIES! (starts eating)  
  
Gannondorf: That was close. What now?  
  
DED: I dunno...thumb-twiddling decathalon?  
  
Everyone: RIGHT! (starts twiddling thumbs)  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
12:15 AM: EEEEEXIT LIGHT! ENNNNNTER JELL-O! TAAAAAAAAKE MY HAND! WE'RE OFF TO JELL-O JELL-O LAND! I MEAN, ON THE YELLOW SUBMARINE  
  
SK: DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING?  
  
Malon: Ya, there's an auto-pilot...  
  
Darunia: Oh. Well.  
  
SK: WHAT DO WE DO NOW?  
  
Malon: Let's sing an ancient sea chanty to pass the time!  
  
Darunia: I'll go first!  
  
SUDDENLY, THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY APPEARS WITH AN ACCORDION AND BEGINS PLAYING THAT SONG THAT THEY ALWAYS PLAY WHEN PEOPLE ARE AT SEA!  
  
Malon: CCG! You've come to film us!  
  
Darunia: YAY! Ahem...(singing sea-chanty style) Yo ho ho, don't you know, I live on a mountian covered with snow! I eat lots o' rocks, and wear woll socks, and I always move extremely slow!  
  
Accordion: DOODLE DOODELEEDLE DOODLELEEDLE DOOT DOOT DOOT, DOODLE DOODELEEDLE DOODLELEEDLE DOOT DOOT DOOT, DOODLE LEEDLE LOODLE LEEDLE LOODLE LEEDLE LOODLE LEEDLE LOODLE DOODLE DOODLE DOODLE LEET DOOT DOOT!  
  
Malon: My turn! (singing sea-chanty style) Yo ho ho, don't you know, about my life and how it blows! On a farm I sit, knee-deep in...grass, and go DOO DOO DOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
SK and Darunia: AAAAAAAAH! MAKE IT STOP!  
  
Accordion: DOODLE DOODELEEDLE DOODLELEEDLE DOOT DOOT DOOT, DOODLE DOODELEEDLE DOODLELEEDLE DOOT DOOT DOOT, DOODLE LEEDLE LOODLE LEEDLE LOODLE LEEDLE LOODLE LEEDLE LOODLE DOODLE DOODLE DOODLE LEET DOOT DOOT!  
  
SK: (singing sea-chanty style) YO HO HO, DON'T YOU KNOW, TO THE BATHROOM I DID GO! I TOOK A CRAP, AND THAT'S A WRAP, AND...UMM...EVERYBODY DOE-SEE- DOE!  
  
SUDDENLY THE CEE-CEE-GEE TOSSES AWAY THE ACCORDION AND WHIPS OUT A FIDDLE!  
  
Fiddle: (plays 'Turkey in the Straw')  
  
SK: YEEEHAW!  
  
Malon: WRONG STERIOTYPICAL MUSIC!  
  
Darunia: (all of a sudden clad in filthy overalls with a corncob pipe and chin stubble) It is? Aww...  
  
SUDDENLY THE CCG JUMPS AWAY, HOPS IN A PEDAL-DRIVEN PERSONAL SUBMARINE, AND PEDALS AWAY!  
  
Malon: Well THAT was odd.  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
12:30 AM: THERE'S A LADY WHO'S SURE ALL THAT JIGGLES IS JELL-O, AND SHE'S BUYYYYING A STAIRWAY TO JELL-O...I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE.  
  
Rauru: (with tiny weights strapped to his thumbs) So...grueling...  
  
Gannondorf (twiddling thumbs in the sink): You're still on the bench-press? I'm on the 100-meter twiddle!  
  
Nabooru: (with a tiny rifle strapped to her thumb) That's nothing, I'm already oop to sharpshooting! Pull, eh?  
  
(tiny clay pidgeon flies up)  
  
Impa: (tiddling thumbs on a plastic horse) I'm on the steeplechase!  
  
Saria: (lying on floor surrounded by Smarties wrappers, stomach bloated) Ooooog...*BELLLLLLLLLLCCCH!* ...too many Smarties... *farts loudly*  
  
Ruto: Jeebus Saria! What did you do to yourself?  
  
Saria: I ate them all...I thought they'd make me smarter! Then I could TAKE OVER THE *BELLLLLLCCCH* WORLD!  
  
Ruto: They're only CALLED Smarties!  
  
Rauru: What's the big deal? She's lookin' better than ever!  
  
Ruto: By YOUR twisted standards...  
  
Rauru: Stay with me, Saria! And I'll guide you in the ways of obesity!  
  
Saria: Yuck! No!  
  
Rauru: I can teach you to burp the alphabet!  
  
Saria: Well...that's pretty cool...  
  
Link: (off screen) OOO! AAH! SOOOO GOOD!  
  
Zelda: (off screen): YEEEEAH! WOOOO!  
  
DED: That is IT! I'm going in there for some coitus interruptus!  
  
MD: NO! YOU'LL BE SCARRED FOR LIFE!  
  
DED: That's a price I'm willing to pay! (marches into bedroom) ALLRIGHT YOU SEX FIENDS KNOCK IT...  
  
Link: (sitting at at table in his underwear with a paper football) What? Sex?  
  
Zelda: (sitting at the opposite side of the table in her underwear with her hands forming a field-goal post shape) Sounds good, but we're busy!  
  
DED: But...but...but...you said...  
  
Link: I know! I finally scored! Now I'm kicking the extra point!  
  
DED: You mean you scored in table football...?  
  
Zelda: Yeah, what did you think he ment?  
  
DED: But...why are you...  
  
Zelda: In our underwear? We always play paper football in our underwear!  
  
Link: You don't? (flicks paper football through Zelda's hands) OH GOD YES! YES ZELDA YES YES YES! AAAAAAAAAH YEAH IT FEELS SOOOO GOOD!  
  
Zelda: YESSSSS LINK GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME NOOOOOW! OOOOOOOOOOH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
Link: Okay. (hands Zelda paper football)  
  
Zelda: YEEEEEESSSS!  
  
DED: I'm gonna shut the door, and pretend I never saw this.  
  
Link: So...you don't want to join us?  
  
DED: No. No I do not. (shuts door)  
  
Link: Your loss! OOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH BABY! UNH UNH UNH! WORK IT!  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
1:15 PM: I DUN WANT, ANY DESSERT ELSE, WHEN I THINK OF JELL-O I TOUCH MYSELF! I MEAN, ON THE YELLOW SUBMARINE  
  
Malon: (eating hippo sausages) Mmmmm...leftover sausage...  
  
Darunia: Hmm..."Leftover Sausage"...that's a REALLY GREAT NAME FOR A BAND!  
  
SK: WHY CAN'T RAURU COOK ANYTHING OTHER THAN CYLINDERS OF MEAT?  
  
Malon (shoving three sausages in her mouth at once) Mmmmumph! What else is there? *BELCH*  
  
Darunia: I didn't know you loved sausages so much...  
  
Malon: You think that all the cows are for Lon Lon Milk? Have you heard of Lon Lon Sausages?  
  
Darunia: Why, no...  
  
SK: BEEFY!  
  
Malon: Hey look! The Beatles!  
  
(animated yellow submarine passes by the window)  
  
Animated Ringo: Look. It's Malon in the sea.  
  
Animated John: With diamonds?  
  
Animated George: With sausages.  
  
Animated Paul: Look out mates. Depth charges.  
  
(massive explosion)  
  
Darunia: That was strange.  
  
Malon: Hmm...if we're in a yellow submarine like them, then...AH HA! (walks over to clock and pushes the hands forward)  
  
Darunia: What are you doing?  
  
Malon: Didn't you ever see the movie?  
  
(music starts up)  
  
Everyone: (singing) Will ya still need me, will ya still feed me, when I'm forty-six?  
  
Darunia: You mean "sixty-four."  
  
Malon: Quiet! Ya want to get sued?  
  
SK: OH. OK! (stops the clock)  
  
Malon: Ok! It worked!  
  
Darunia: What worked?  
  
Malon: We're in the future. We're at the underwater cave!  
  
Darunia: GREAT! Let's suit up! (dons old-fashioned diving suit with the big metal helmet)  
  
Malon: Roger! (does likewise)  
  
Darunia: No, I'm Darunia.  
  
Malon: Skull Kid, why aren't you putting on yours?  
  
SK: 'CAUSE I DON'T NEED TO BREATHE! I'LL BE LIKE ONE OF THE CREEPY SKELETON PEEPS FROM 'PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN' AND WALK ON THE SEA FLOOR!  
  
DED: (bi-locating in) I saw that movie! It's bad! Don't see it! (bi-locates out)  
  
Malon: Um...can do...  
  
Darunia: Now, how to get out of here...  
  
SK: THERE'S A DOOR! (points to door)  
  
Malon: That's...strange...  
  
SK: COME ON! (opens door, water stays put)  
  
Darunia: But...the water should be...flooding...death...  
  
SK: DON'T ARGUE! JUST GO! (walks through wall of water)  
  
Malon: Meh. (walks through)  
  
Darunia: Whatever. (walks through)  
  
SK: FINALLY! OKAY, TAKE OUT THE MAP!  
  
Malon: (holds up map, which has been totally runied) Umm...we're kind of under water here...  
  
Darunia: Well, the map's ruined. Clearly Windmill Guy didn't understand the solvent properties of water. (tosses map on roaring fire)  
  
Malon: What's with the fire?  
  
Darunia: I'm cold. We're like a mile under water.  
  
SK: YEAH, NOT TO MENTION THE CRUSHING PRESSURE! I MEAN, A PERSON HERE WOULD FEEL LIKE HE WAS BEING SHOVED THROUGH THE EYE OF A NEEDLE!  
  
Malon: Also, communication will be difficult, seeing as how we're all in diving suits.  
  
Darunia: Alas.  
  
SK: WELL. (looks around at the endless expanse of the ocean floor)  
  
Darunia: Oh yeah, it's also completely black here.  
  
Malon: Yes. Yes it is.  
  
SK: HEY! THERE'S THE CAVE! (points to cave)  
  
Malon: Ok! We're off! (takes three steps) We're there!  
  
Darunia: Upward! To the plunger!  
  
(everyone enters the cave)  
  
SK: HEY! THERE'S AIR IN HERE!  
  
Malon: Great! We can take off these stupid suits! (starts taking off suit)  
  
Darunia: But the air here is so pressurized that you would be crushed to death! And it's probably thousands of years old and totally unbreatheable! I mean, it might have been from the Jurrasic when this cave sank to the bottom of the sea, and the oxygen levels would be so high that it would be totally toxi...  
  
Malon: (out of suit) *inhales deeply* Seems fine to me.  
  
Darunia: Meh. (takes off suit)  
  
SK: SO WHERE TO FIRST?  
  
Malon: That big door might be a good start. (opens door)  
  
Darunia: GASP!  
  
SK: (trying to see over Darunia and Malon) WHAT IS IT! I CAN'T SEE!  
  
Malon: EVIL SEAFARING HIPPOS!  
  
Darunia: What the hell are hippos doing here? And why? WHY HIPPOS?  
  
Malon: THE ONLY ANIMALS ON THIS FREAKING ISLAND ARE HIPPOS!  
  
SK: ATTACK! (charges headfirst at hippos)  
  
Darunia: CHARGE! (sprouts spikes and rolls)  
  
Malon: BACK AWAY SLOWLY! (backs away slowly)  
  
SK: HAVE AT THEE! (rams into hippo, bounces off)  
  
Darunia: FAITHLESS COWARD! (shreads hippos)  
  
SK: THAT'S IT! ICE WRATH! (freezes hippos to death)  
  
(LOZ-you've-done-something-important music plays)  
  
Soundtrack: DEEDLE LOODLE LOODELY DING!  
  
(chest falls from ceiling like in OOT)  
  
Darunia: AAAAAH! *WUMPH* OW! Hey, there's a map in here! (takes chest of head, takes out map)  
  
Soundtrack: DA DADA DA DAAAAAAAA!  
  
Mysterious Ceiling Voice: You've found the Map! Open the Start Menu and select the map to view the dungeon!  
  
Darunia: Cool! Now where's the Start Menu...(presses belly button) Ah ha! (menu appears)  
  
Malon: (looking at map) According to this...there's a door right next to us.  
  
SK: SO THERE IS! (walks through door)  
  
Malon: Well. Don't I feel stupid. (going through door) Hmm...a big hill down to a door, covered with lava.  
  
Darunia: THAT'S IT! MY BICYCLE!  
  
SK: OH YEAH!  
  
Darunia: (holding up half-eaten bicycle) This will work perfectly! (hops on)  
  
Malon: (getting on) Ok...just don't fall or anything...  
  
SK: (sitting on Darunia's head) I'LL BE A SAFETY HELMET! WOOOOOOT!  
  
Darunia: HERE...WE...GO! (starts pedaling, moving at half a mile an hour) Grunt...grunt...gggrrrrrrg...pant pant pant...Let me stop for a minute...pant pant pant...  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
3:20 PM: YA DIDN'T SET YOUR PLACE, YA BIG DISGRACE, SHOVIN' THAT JELL-O INTO YER FACE SINGIN' WEEEE WILL, WEEEE WILL, JELL-O! SING IT! I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE  
  
Ganondorf: Well. What shall we do now?  
  
DED: Umm...  
  
MD: TRUTH OR FRIKIN' DARE!  
  
All: YAY!  
  
MD: I'm so very original.  
  
Nabooru: I'll go first eh? Ahem...IMPA! I CHOOSE YOU!  
  
Impa: QUE?  
  
Nabooru: TROOTH OR FOOKIN' DARE EH?  
  
Impa: Truth!  
  
Nabooru: WUSS!  
  
Impa: Yep.  
  
Nabooru: Ok, eh? Hmm...what kind of...PANTIES DO YOU WEAR?  
  
Impa: Shieka's Secret leopard-skin.  
  
Link: Hey! Sound comfy! Can I try them?  
  
Impa: You want to WHAT???  
  
Link: It's STRICTLY A COMFORT THING!  
  
Nabooru: Wootever, eh? Impa, your turn!  
  
Impa: Dave! YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK!  
  
DED: Huh? What?  
  
Impa: Truth or FRIKIN' DARE!  
  
DED: FRIKIN' DARE ME, CAP'N!  
  
Impa: I dare you...to...STRIP TO YOUR BOXERS AND SING "MY WAY!"  
  
DED: You want me to WHAT?  
  
Impa: You heard me!  
  
DED: Oh for the love of...(starts stripping)  
  
Ruto: WOOO! WHOO YEAH! TAKE IT OFF!  
  
DED: SHADDUP!  
  
All the girls: GASP! (stare at DED's digitially perfect abs)  
  
Rauru: GHASP!  
  
DED: Stop it! I feel so shallow!  
  
Saria: When did you get such nice pecs?  
  
DED: This is just a digital avatar of myself. See? (types something and turns back into talking ostrich) I can do whatever I want!  
  
MD: (turning into water buffalo) When you write, you can do ANYTHING!  
  
DED: (rapidly turning back and forth between a person and a giant sea turtle) Anything is possible with IMAGINATION!  
  
Impa: Whatever! Keep on stripping!  
  
DED: Arrgh...(takes off pants, revealing boxers which have crazy-looking guy and the words "I'm the one whose face scares children" on them)  
  
MD: Nice.  
  
DED: Ahem. (singing) Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention...  
  
All girls: WHOOOO!  
  
DED: I did it myyyyyyy way...OK THAT'S IT! I'M DONE!  
  
All girls: YEAAH! WHOOOO! (somehow pull out underwear and throw at DED)  
  
DED: AAAAH! STOP! UNDERWEAR IN FACE! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!  
  
Rauru: (trying to pull out underwear) Rrrg...grunt...Ah ha! There! (pulls out what looks like a white bedsheet with elastic waistband) WHOO! (hurls at DED)  
  
DED: AAAAAAH! (knocked over by Rauru's underpants) GAG! CHOKE! CAN'T...BREATHE! GET IT OFFF MEEEEEEEE!  
  
Rauru: (blows kiss at DED)  
  
MD: That...was wrong on so many levels.  
  
DED: (gasping for breath) EVERYONE GET YOUR UNDERGARMENTS BACK ON! (throws underwear back)  
  
Impa: (catching leopard-skin panties that say 'Shieka's Secret' on them) Your turn DED!  
  
DED: Time to wreak my horrible vengance! (touching Zelda on the forehead) ZELDA! YOUR TIME HAS COME!  
  
Zelda: (putting on panties with royal insignia on them) Please don't touch me. And, umm...dare.  
  
DED: I dare you to...DANCE AN IRISH JIG WITH RUTO!  
  
Zelda: The hell?  
  
DED: DO IT!  
  
Ruto: What did I do? Why me?  
  
DED: I dunno...I just thought it would be funny.  
  
Zelda: Fine! (starts dancing)  
  
Ruto: (taking Zelda's arm and swinging her around) Aye! They're after me lucky charms!  
  
Zelda: EEEEW! YOU'RE ALL COLD AND SLIMY!  
  
Ruto: CAN YOU NAME ME MAGIC SHAPES?  
  
Zelda: THE HELL I CAN!  
  
Ruto: HEARTS STARS AND HORSESHOES! CLOVERS AND BLUE MOONS! POTS OF GOLD AND RAINBOWS, AND...  
  
Zelda: AWRIGHT THAT'S IT! I'M DONE! (sits down)  
  
Ruto: (still dancing around like an idiot) ...THAT'S ME LUCKY CHARMS, THEY'RE MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!  
  
Zelda: Someone's gonna pay for that. G-DORF!  
  
Gannondorf: QUE PASA?  
  
Zelda: TRUTH OR FRIKIN' DARE?  
  
Gannondorf: TRUTH! I'M A TOTAL PUSS!  
  
Zelda: I AGREE! Okay...Gannondorf, have you ever...you know...done...it?  
  
Gannondorf: WHAT DO YOU THINK? I'M THE ONLY GUY IN THE TRIBE!  
  
Nabooru: Ya, eh? We only get the chance every hundred years!  
  
Zelda: Wow. That's...disturbing. Why is your society like that?  
  
Gannondorf: Lazy Y-chromosomes or something, I guess.  
  
Mido: Well. Wow.  
  
Gannondorf: RAURU!  
  
Rauru: (facedown in tub of Cool Whip, humming to himself) Cool Whip! America's dairy treat! Cool Whip! Cool Whip's all you need! Cool Whip!  
  
Gannondorf: RAURU!  
  
Rauru: (looking up, licking Cool Whip off face with disturbingly long tongue) Hmm...I thought all you need is love...  
  
Gannondorf: RAURU!  
  
Rauru: What?  
  
Gannondorf: Truth or FRIKIN' DARE!?  
  
Rauru: Truth. I want to make this fast so I can get back to gorging with my favorite spork!  
  
Gannondorf: Umm...okay...Rauru, have YOU ever...umm...done it?  
  
Zelda: RIP!  
  
Gannondorf: QUITE!  
  
Rauru: Have I? Whoa mamma, you know it!  
  
All: WHAT?!?  
  
MD: WHEN?  
  
Rauru: It was back in the day...1974! I was tha motherlovin' pimp daddy of SOUL!  
  
Link: Really?  
  
Rauru: Yeah! I had the big red afro, and the gold chains, and everything! I even wore a big white disco suit! The ladies were all over me!  
  
Link: AAAAAAAAH! WHAT A HELLISH MENTAL PICTURE! (clutches head)  
  
Rauru: Anyway Saria, YOU MUST GO NEXT!  
  
Saria: (suddenly looking normal again) DARE!  
  
Rauru: I dare you to...GIVE LINK A LAP DANCE!  
  
Everyone: RAURU!  
  
Saria: Well, okay...(starts dancing the can-can on Link's groin)  
  
Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGH! I COULDN'T BE IN MORE PAIN!  
  
Saria: (thoroughly enjoying herself, singing the can-can song) DA DA DADADADA DA DA DADADADA DA DA DADADADA DADADADADADADADA!  
  
Link: SSSTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOP IIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT! YOU'RE IN HEELS! THE SPIKEY KIND!  
  
Saria: Okay, I'm done! Thank you! (smashes Link's crotch on the way off)  
  
Link: GGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAHHH...can't...ever...have...children...  
  
Saria: Okay...MIDO! YOU ARE THE ONE!  
  
Mido: TRUTH!  
  
Saria: Are you...umm..A STUCK-UP DICKHOLE?  
  
Mido: Of course I am. Obviously.  
  
Saria: Oh. Well. That takes the fun out of it.  
  
Mido: NABOORU! FEEL MY POWERS!  
  
Link: Of annoyance?  
  
Mido: Of TRUTH OR FRIKIN' DAREITY!  
  
Nabooru: DARE! I FEAR NOTHING, EH?  
  
Mido: I dare you to...MAKE ME A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH!  
  
Everyone: WHAT?  
  
Nabooru: EH?  
  
Ruto: What kind of dare is THAT?  
  
Mido: YOU HEARD ME!  
  
Nabooru: You little...(takes out bread, peanut butter and jelly) You'll pay for that, eh? (spreads peanut butter and jelly with Gerudo scimitar)  
  
Mido: And cut the crusts off.  
  
Nabooru: Mumble mumble stuck-up dickhole mumble mumble...(cuts off crusts)  
  
Mido: And cut it into triangles.  
  
Nabooru: Mutter mutter glare mumble...(cuts sandwich into triangles)  
  
Mido: YAY! (devours sandwich)  
  
Nabooru: Oh well, I get to lick the knife! (licks scimitar, slices toungue) AAAAAAAAWWWH! MAAH HUNG! IT HUUUUTHS!  
  
DED: Poor Nabooru...  
  
Nabooru: MITHDEE!  
  
MD: Huh?  
  
Nabooru: TOUF UH FIKIN' DAA?  
  
MD: DAA!  
  
Nabooru: Thut ob! (pulls out Lon Lon Milk, drinks it) Aaaaah. Better. Okay, Misty! I dare you to do 200 JUMPING JACKS! WHILE BALANCING A GLODFISH BOWL ON YOUR HEAD!  
  
MD: WHAAAT?  
  
Gannondorf: Where did THAT come from?  
  
Nabooru: WITH A GOLDFISH IN IT! WHILE RECITING THE PREAMBLE OF THE CONSTITUTION!  
  
MD: THE HELL YOU SMOKING?  
  
Nabooru: THE DARER HAS SPOKEN, EH?  
  
MD: Whatever! (pulls out fish bowl with goldfish from extradementional space in pocket) Here we go! (puts on head, starts doing jumping jacks) We... the... people... of... the... United... States... in... order... to...form... a...  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
4:12: ALL YOU NEED IS JELL-O! ALL YOU NEED IS JELL-O! ALL YOU NEED IS JELL- O, JELL-O, JELL-O'S ALL YOU NEED...I MEAN, IN THE UNDERSEA CAVE  
  
Darunia: (has moved a grand total of three feet) GGGGGGGGR! GRUNT! Huff puff...  
  
SK: (singing) UNDER THE SEA! DO DOO DOOO DOO DOOOO DO DOOO! UNDER THE SEA!  
  
Malon and Darunia: STOP IT!  
  
SK: BUT WE'RE UNDER THE SEA!  
  
Malon and Darunia: NO!  
  
SK: OKAY. WELL, MAYBE IF WE WERE MOVING ANY FASTER I WOULDN'T BE BORED!  
  
Malon: I think once we get on the hill we'll pick up some...(Darunia pedals over crest of hill, bike plummets down)...SSSSSSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!  
  
SK: YEEEEEEEEHOE!  
  
Malon: (grabbing end of bicycle) HELLLLLLLLLLLP!  
  
Darunia: QUICK! CLING TENACIOUSLY TO MY BUTTOCKS! (reveals polished buttocks)  
  
Malon: ON SECOND THOUGHT, A FIREY DEATH IS A MORE APPEALING PROSPECT!  
  
SK: WALL!  
  
Darunia: WHAT?  
  
SK: WALL! RIGHT THE...(slams into wall)  
  
Darunia: OWWWW! (sees mangled bent bike) MY BIKE! OH, MY POOR BIKE! I had you since I was a lad...(starts eating bike) In death, you've saved us all *sniffle*...mmmmmmm...bike...(keeps eating)  
  
Malon: Why are you eating...  
  
Darunia: HE WOULD HAVE WANTED IT THIS WAY! Mmmmmm...oh yeah...sweeet...  
  
SK: HEY! DOOR!  
  
Malon: (opening door) Whoa! Check it out!  
  
Darunia: What? What is it?  
  
Malon: A giant cave! With stalagtites!  
  
SK: YOU MEAN STALAGMITES!  
  
Malon: Whatever! The ones that come out of the ceiling!  
  
SK: OKAY, YOU WERE RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.  
  
Darunia: IT DOESN'T MATTER! Just look for a door!  
  
Malon: EEK! KEESE! (bats wildly at hair) BAT IN MY HAIR BAT IN MY HAIR BAT IN MY HAIR!  
  
SK: HERE'S A DOOR! (opens door)  
  
Darunia: Don't go in there! It might not be safe!  
  
SK: SURE IT IS! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (falls through trapdoor)  
  
Malon (unenthusiastically): Oh no the Skull Kid fell into a hole whatever shall we do.  
  
Darunia: COOL! (jumps into trapdoor)  
  
Malon: (smacking forehead) Yi yi yi...(jumps down hole)  
  
SK: (landing on pile of straw) WHEEEEE!  
  
Malon: (landing next to Skull Kid) Yee-freakin'-haw.  
  
Darunia: (smashing into the ground making Darunia-shaped hole) Owwwwwch...  
  
SK: WHOA...LOOK AT THIS PLACE!  
  
Malon: It's...strange.  
  
Darunia: It looks like one of those fun houses at the carnival! WHEEEE! (runs into a suspicious looking door)  
  
Malon: DARUNIA LOOK OUT!  
  
Darunia: (falling out of a hole in the ceiling) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *THUD* WHOA! How did THAT happen?  
  
SK: NEAT! MY TURN! (runs through door, falls out of ceiling)  
  
Malon: We have to look for a way out of here! (starts wandering around)  
  
Darunia: Hey! There's a weird-looking hole here...(reaches hand through hole, which comes out on the other side of the room) WICKED! THIS PLACE DEFYS PHYSICS! (moves hand in and out of hole) Over here, over there! Over here, over there! (pinches Malon's butt from across the room)  
  
Malon: HEY! WHO DID THAT? (looks around, sees no one) What the...  
  
SUDDENLY, OUT OF A HOLE IN THE CEILING, THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY DROPS ONTO THE FLOOR AND STARTS FILMING!  
  
Darunia: AAAAAAAH! DON'T _DO_ THAT!  
  
THEN THE C-C-G RUNS AWAY THROUGH A DOOR!  
  
SK: (walking around on the ceiling) HE'S EVEN CREEPIER THAN ME!  
  
Darunia: (ascending upside-down staircase) Hmmm...this is one odd room...  
  
Malon: (with her legs sticking out one hole and her head sticking out another) Yes...  
  
SK: (jumping into hole) AAAAAAAAAA...(falls out of hole in the ceiling above the first hole) ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...(falls through the first hole again) ...AAAAAAAAAAAA...  
  
Darunia: (catching Skull Kid) Stop fooling around! We have to find the exit to this place!  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
6:23 PM: EVERYBODY EAT JELL-O! DA, DA, DA DA DA, DA, DA DA DA, DA, DA DA EVERYBODY EAT JELL-O DA...I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE  
  
MD: ...do...ordain...and...establish...this...Constitution...for...the...United. ..States...of...America! *gasp gasp gasp*  
  
All: *clap clap clap*  
  
Link: Wow. I thought you'd have dropped the fishbowl by now.  
  
MD: NOPE! Still got it! (holding fish bowl triumphantly) IN YOUR FACE NABOORU! WHOOOOOOO! (drops fish bowl, which promptly shatters) Oop...  
  
All: (chanting) MISTY BROKE THE BOWL! MISTY BROKE THE BOWL!  
  
Mido: (acting like a pothead) At leazt she dinn't cash the bowl, maaaan...  
  
Impa: MIDO! KNOCK IT OFF!  
  
Mido: (shakes head) I'm better now.  
  
Ruto: OH NO! THE POOR GOLDFISH IS DYING! (grabs goldfish) You'll be safe in here, little buddy! (shoves goldfish up nose) I thing id will be damb enubb in dere...  
  
DED: Whoa.  
  
Nabooru: Eeeew! That's gross eh? Go put it in a bowl!  
  
Ruto: I'b gobing...  
  
MD: OKAY! WHO'S MY NEXT VICTIM? I spy with my little eye someone...WITH A BIG SWORD! (stares at Link)  
  
Link: Thanks...you would know...heh heh heh heh...heh... (getting stared at) ...heh...okay, never mind. DARE!  
  
MD: (rolling eyes) Anyway, I dare you to...STOP STARING AT ZELDA'S BOOBS FOR EVEN A FRACTION OF A SECOND!  
  
Link: (staring, enthralled) Huh...wha...? You said something?  
  
Zelda: You've been staring at me?  
  
MD: YES! All the time!  
  
Zelda: I'm shocked!  
  
Ruto: (returning with fish) Yeah! You should be ashamed!  
  
Zelda: Yeah! You should be fondling by boobs, not staring at them!  
  
Link: Sorry.  
  
Ruto: Umm...yeaah.  
  
MD: In any case, I dare you to stop looking at Zelda for just a half- second!  
  
Link: (straining mightily) Rrrrg...must...stop...ogling...can't...move...head...away...must...speak...l ike...this...  
  
Rauru: YOU CAN DO IT!  
  
Link: GASP!  
  
Rauru: GHASP!  
  
Link: I DID IT! Hey...where am I? Why aren't I in Hyrule any more? What's going on? WHO ARE ALL YOU PEOPLE?  
  
Saria: We're the people whose voices you've been hearing.  
  
Link: So...Zelda's breasts WERN'T talking to me?  
  
Zelda: No Link, no they were not.  
  
Link: WOW! And the sky is...BLUE! I never expected that! And...the sun...it's circular...I thought the sun was a big square. And...hmm...my shirt's on backwards...and my shoes are on the wrong feet...  
  
MD: See? You can observe a lot by watching things!  
  
Link: THIS IS FANTASTIC! I feel a song coming on! (syrupy music plays) Ooooh...I...cannnnn....see! I can see! I can watch primetime TV! I can read a book, or take a look at a howler monkeeeey! I can see! See! SEEEEEEE!  
  
MD: Fan-freaking-tastic. Stop singing now.  
  
Link: Okay. Ahem. RUTO! YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE LEFT!  
  
Ruto: DARE DARE DARE! BRING IT ON!  
  
Link: I dare you...to...DRINK THIS ENTIRE BOTTLE OF WORCHESTERSHIRE SAUCE IN ONE GULP! (holds up large bottle of worchestershire sauce)  
  
Ruto: Are you nuts? Well, a dare's a dare... (starts drinking sauce) *glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug*  
  
Link: Uhh...Ruto...  
  
Ruto: *glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug*  
  
Link: On second thought, why don't you...  
  
Ruto: *glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug* *BELLLLCH!* All gone!  
  
Link: Whoa. How did it taste?  
  
Ruto: Worchestershirey.  
  
Rauru: YEP! Hey, is it me or does this chapter contain an abnormal amount of belching?  
  
Saria: Seems like it.  
  
Rauru: Cool! It's like a symphony of delicious meals!  
  
MD: Well, that's done. What now?  
  
Rauru: BELCHING CONTEST! YAAAAAAAY!  
  
DED: Whatever.  
  
Rauru: Ahem. *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLCH!*  
  
Everyone: (knocked over) RAURU WINS!  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
9:23 PM: I WANT GELATIN, I WANT FLAVORING, JELL-O JELL-O PLEASE DELIVER! I MEAN, UNDERSEA CAVE  
  
Malon: Hey! There's a normal-looking door! With a big sign on it that says "The Exit To This Place!"  
  
Darunia: Nah. Can't be it.  
  
Malon: (walking through door) There's another room over here! It's normal!  
  
Darunia: Nope. No way.  
  
Malon: I've LEFT this ROOM! THEREFORE THE DOOR THAT I USED WAS THE EXIT TO THIS ROOM!  
  
Darunia: Perhaps. I'll humor you. (walks through door) Hey! This door is the exit! I found the exit! I'm a genius!  
  
SK: LOOK! A CHEST! AND IT'S ALL GREEN AND GOLD AND BOSS-KEYISH!  
  
Malon: (opening chest) Hey? Where's the chest-opening music?  
  
Soundtrack: DOODLE LEEDLE DOODLE LEEDLE DOODLE LEEDLE DOODLE LEE...DEEEEEEE...  
  
Malon: That's better! (opens chest)  
  
Soundtrack: DAA DADA DA DAAAAAAAAAA!  
  
Mysterious Ceiling Voice: You've found the Boss Key! You can now enter the chamber where the boss lurks!  
  
Darunia: Thanks, mysterious ceiling voice!  
  
Mysterious ceiling voice: Don't thank me! Thank the stupidity of the boss who puts a key to his lair in an unlocked box for no good reason!  
  
SK: YES! STUPIDIITY SAVES THE DAY WHAT'S AGAIN!  
  
Malon: You mean "once again."  
  
SK: NO I DONT! I'M SERIOUS! WHAT'S AGAIN?  
  
Darunia: A word?  
  
SK: OH! I THOUGHT SO. OKAY! WHERE TO NOW?  
  
Darunia: *yawn* I think we should lie down for the night.  
  
Malon: You fool! Camping in a hostile dungeon is like bathing in hydrochloric acid!  
  
Darunia: That's nothing! I do it every day to keep clean!  
  
Malon: Uh...okay, but what about US?  
  
Darunia: I don't know...does bathing in hydrochloric acid kill humans?  
  
Malon: YES!  
  
Darunia: Oh, well, you're screwed. Good night! (curls up into ball and goes to sleep)  
  
Malon: Eh. Whatever. (goes to sleep)  
  
SK: I DON'T HAVE TO SLEEP! SO I'LL JUST...TWIDDLE MY THUMBS! *twiddle twiddle twiddle*  
  
***  
  
Will the gang survive the challenges of the undersea cave and find the Lost Plunger of Atlantis? Will Link start staring at Zelda's boobs again? Will Rauru stop eating Cool Whip? NONE CAN SAY! SO TUNE IN NEXT TIME ON CONTAINMENT!  
  
Next time on Containment:  
  
"I AM GOD! When I pray, I'm talking to myself!"  
  
"I've got a hole in me pocket!"  
  
"BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE! BEHOLD IT, HO-BAG!" 


	24. Part TwentyFour: Containment 7

AIRWZAC  
  
***  
  
Chapter 25: Containment, Part 7: The Triumphant Fixing of the Toilet!  
  
***  
  
Last time on Containment:  
  
"I'll be a backseat sailor. HARD A'STARBOARD LADDIES! YOU'RE GOING WAY TOO FAST! NOW YOU'RE GOING TOO SLOW! DAMN THE TORPEDOES!"  
  
"I KNOW! LEZ PLAY SHOOTS AND LADDERS!"  
  
"You fool! Camping in a hostile dungeon is like bathing in hydrochloric acid!"  
  
***  
  
The next day...  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
9:23 A.M.: WHEN IN THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS IT BECOMES NECESSICARY TO CONSUME VAST QUANTITIES OF JELL-O...I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE  
  
Rauru: WHO WANTS HIPPO CON CARNE?  
  
Ruto: Sigh...I'm getting really sick of hippos...  
  
Mido: Yeah! There has to be something else to eat on this island!  
  
Saria: You can eat a stick like me!  
  
Mido: I mean something that will provide me with life-sustaining calories to burn as feul.  
  
Saria: Hey! A stick has plenty of nutrients! It's pure fiber!  
  
Zelda: Well, there's still that bunless hot dog that the Skull Kid put up his nose...(points to fuzz-covered, moldy hot dog)  
  
Mido: On second thought, hippo sounds fine to me.  
  
Rauru: HIPPO! IT'S WHAT'S FER DINNER! THE OTHER OTHER OTHER OTHER WHITE MEAT!  
  
Impa: What's the other other other white meat?  
  
Rauru: Dolphin!  
  
Impa: Aaand...dare I ask what the other other white meat is?  
  
Rauru: Gerbil!  
  
Impa: Okay, I shouldn't have dared.  
  
Nabooru: I propose we get some seafood, eh?  
  
Link: Hey yeah! I still have that pole that the Fishing Guy gave me! He was such a sucker...  
  
FG: (on tv) AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRH! GIVE ME THAT BACK YE SCURY DOG!  
  
Link: Nya nya nya nya nyaaaaaaaaaaa nya! What are YOU going to do about it?  
  
WG: Kill you?  
  
Link: Oh.  
  
Gryorg: Indubidibly.  
  
WG: Well, he brought it, so I guess he can use it...  
  
Link: Whooooo! Fishin', nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana FISHING! FISHING! FISHING!  
  
Nabooru: Wootever, eh?  
  
Ganondorf: Okay, I'll help! I can fire big black energy balls at the fish and blow them up! See? (forms big ball of evil)  
  
Link: AAAAAAAH! (hacks Ganondorf with sword)  
  
Ganondorf: OW! I'm just showing what I can do!  
  
Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! (beats Ganondorf with baseball bat)  
  
Ganondorf: I was going to use it on the fish! THE FISH!  
  
Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (beludgeons Ganondorf with golf clubs)  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
9:34 AM: WE HOLD THIS JELL-O TO BE SELF-EVIDENT, THAT ALL JELL-O IS CREATED EQUAL, ENDOWED BY THE ALLMIGHTY JELL-O WITH CERTAIN INALIENABLE RIGHTS, THAT AMOUNG THESE ARE LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PERSUIT OF JELL-O...I MEAN, UNDERSEA CAVE  
  
Malon: *yawning* That was actually quite restful.  
  
Darunia: And you said camping in a hostile dungeon was like bathing in hydrochloric acid.  
  
Malon: Well, from now on I'll do all my camping in hostile dungeons.  
  
SK: (twiddles thumbs) 27,967...27,968...27,969...  
  
Malon: Well, I suppose we'd better get going. The toilet won't fix itself.  
  
Darunia: Yep. Lets see now...(pokes belly button) According to the map, we should go this way.  
  
SK: ALL THAT'S OVER THERE IS A WALL.  
  
Darunia: The map doesn't lie! (smashes through wall) Hey look! A whole 'nother room!  
  
Malon: Well, the end justifies the means...  
  
SK: THERE'S A DOOR! OPEN THE DOOR OPEN THE DOOR!  
  
Darunia: Aww...we need a Small Key! (points to padlocked door)  
  
Malon: Aww...where will we find one of those?  
  
Darunia: Wait a minute. (bashes door off hinges) There we go.  
  
SK: WOW. GOOD IDEA.  
  
Malon: We could have just found the key...  
  
Darunia: But why bother?  
  
Malon: I guess...  
  
SK: LET'S GO! (skips merrily through the door) HEY LOOK! AN ENDLESS EXPANSE OF WATER AND MIST! WITH ONE BIG TREE IN THE MIDDLE!  
  
Darunia: Hmm...I think I remember something like this from...somewhere...  
  
Malon: Why worry? What's the big deal? (walks over to tree, evil shadow pops out)  
  
SK: AAAAAAAAAAAH! IT'S DARK MALON!  
  
Dark Malon: (slaps Malon)  
  
Malon: BITCH! THE HELL WAS THAT?  
  
Darunia: Defeat yourself!  
  
Malon: DIE! (slaps Dark Malon)  
  
Dark Malon: (slaps Malon)  
  
Malon: OW! This isn't working! Any ideas, Darunia?  
  
Darunia: Defeat yourself!  
  
Malon: Some-thing better...  
  
Darunia: Defeat yourself!  
  
Malon: Oh forget you. Skull Kid?  
  
SK: ICE WRATH! (forms sheet of ice)  
  
Dark Malon: (slaps ice, which breaks)  
  
Malon: Not woooorkinnnnng...  
  
SUDDENLY! THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY APPEARS! AND SHINES A LIGHT INTO DARK MALON'S EYEBALLS! AND DARK MALON IS STUNNED!  
  
SK: QUICK! HIT IT WITH SOMETHING!  
  
Malon: WAIT! I GOT IT!  
  
SK: WHAT?  
  
Malon: (takes out big cheese wheel) BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE! BEHOLD IT, HO-BAG! (throws cheese like discus)  
  
Dark Malon: (gets hit with cheese, disintegrates)  
  
Malon: Whooooohooo! (picks up cheese) Aww, now it's all covered with evil.  
  
SK: HEY LOOK! THE ROOM IS REAL AND FINITE AFTER ALL!  
  
Darunia: Defeat yourself!  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
10:07 AM: ONE NATION, UNDER JELL-O, WITH LIBERTY AND JELL-O FOR ALL. I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE  
  
Link: ...nananananananananananananananana FISHING!  
  
Nabooru: Shut oop, eh? You've sung that song a hundred times by now!  
  
Ganondorf: THERE'S A FISH! (shoots energy beam at water)  
  
SFX: KAPHYAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!  
  
(fish parts rain on everyone)  
  
Link: That reeeeeeeally has to stop.  
  
Nabooru: You know, if you put bait on that hook you're much more likely to catch something.  
  
Link: Oh! Well then. (puts plastic worm on hook, casts and immediately hooks something) HEY! I GOT A BITE! (starts reeling) I caught a flounder! Better put it in the lost and flound! (rim shot)  
  
(dead silence)  
  
Ganondorf: Oooooor...we could eat it...  
  
Link: Whatever. (throws into cooler full of water)  
  
Nabooru: Hey, you got another bite eh?  
  
Link: (reeling in) I caught a tuna! What-a would-a you do-a if I sang-a out one? (rim shot)  
  
(dead silence)  
  
Ganondorf: Just put it in the bucket.  
  
Link: Okay. (puts fish in bucket)  
  
Nabooru: Oo! Now I got one, eh? (reels in rod) I caught a squid!  
  
Link: You're such a squidiot! (rim shot)  
  
(dead silence)  
  
Nabooru: In the cooler.  
  
Link: Right...  
  
Ganondorf: (hauling in net) I caught some shrimp!  
  
Link: Too bad they're all so shrimpy! (rim shot)  
  
Ganondorf: THAT'S IT! PUN-BOY MUST DIE! (chases Link around)  
  
Link: (screams girlishly and runs)  
  
Nabooru: Hey, eh? Knock it off!  
  
Link: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! STOP! I'M SO DELICATE!  
  
Ganondorf: That is just plain wrong.  
  
Link: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
10:44 AM: FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN BOWLS OF JELL-O AGO, OUR FOREFATHERS BROUGHT FORTH UPON THIS CONTINENT A NEW JELL-O...I MEAN, UNDERSEA CAVE  
  
Darunia: Defeat yourself!  
  
Malon: SHUT UP! I ALREADY HAVE!  
  
Darunia: Oh. So you have.  
  
SK: WE'VE BEEN STANDING IN THIS ROOM FOR THIRTY-SEVEN MINUTES! DO WE HAVE A PLAN?  
  
Malon: That door over there would be a start. (opens door)  
  
Darunia: WOOOO! CHEST! (starts opening chest)  
  
Malon: Oh no you don't! As the pants-wearer of this adventuring party, I get to open the chests.  
  
SK: YOU DON'T WEAR PANTS!  
  
Malon: Okay, as the CLOTHES-wearer of this adventuring party.  
  
Darunia: I wear clothes!  
  
Malon: No you don't!  
  
Darunia: Yes I do! I wear a flesh-colored bikini! (moves bikini top, reveals pasty-white skin underneith)  
  
SK and Malon: EEEEEEEEEEEEW!  
  
SK: WAIT, WHY A BIKINI?  
  
Darunia: I don't know...  
  
Malon: (opening chest) SUCKERS!  
  
Soundtrack: Doodeleedle doodeleedle doodeleedle doodeleedel daa daaa...DAAA...DAAA DADA DA DAAAAAAA!  
  
Mysterious ceiling voice: You found the Lost Toilet Plunger of Atlantis! You can unclog every toilet! Climb every mountain! Follow every rainbow!  
  
Darunia: Whaaaaatever.  
  
Malon: Well, we got what we came for. Let's go!  
  
SK: WAIT! WE HAVEN'T DEFEATED THE BOSS!  
  
Malon: Screw the boss, I want to go home!  
  
SK: I'M AFRAID YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. WE _HAVE_ TO _DEFEAT_ THE _BOSS_.  
  
Malon: But but but...  
  
SK: LISTEN YOU PATHETIC WENCH WE'RE GONNA DEFEAT THE BOSS AND WE'RE GONNA DO IT NOW!  
  
Darunia: Yikes.  
  
Malon: Oooooooooooooooooookay...so we will.  
  
Darunia: Where's the Boss Door?  
  
Malon: It should be somewhere around here...  
  
SK: LET'S SPLIT UP, GANG!  
  
Malon: Okay, YOU stay in the dank and mind-bendingly dangerous underwater cave, and WE'LL head for the surface, laughing merrily.  
  
SK: ALL RIGHTY, SOUNDS...HEY!  
  
Darunia: I'll go over here.  
  
SK: I'll search here.  
  
Malon: I'll look in my brain.  
  
All: RIGHT!  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
11:13 AM: I HAVE A DREAM...THAT ONE DAY, BLACK PEOPLE AND WHITE PEOPLE CAN FEAST ON DELICIOUS JELL-O IN HARMONY. I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE  
  
Link: ...FISHING! FISHING! FISHING!!!  
  
Gannondorf: SHUT UP!  
  
Nabooru: That isn't helping, eh?'  
  
Link: Who said it was? NANNA NANNA NANNA NANNA FISHING! FISHING! FISHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!  
  
Gannondorf: Yi yi yi...  
  
Link: Uh oh, I'm out of plastic fish. I guess I'll use one of those balloon- animal balloons instead. I mean, I can't tell the difference, and fish are only marginally more intelligent than I am...  
  
Nabooru: Link ya fookin retard we have a whole bucket of nightcrawlers! Use those!  
  
Link: Use...real...worms?  
  
Gannondorf: Yes real worms, they work much better anyway!  
  
Link: You mean, you want me to pick up a worm and impale it like it was being drawn and quartered, then lower its still-quivering body into the water for the purpose of attracting fish?  
  
Nabooru: Yes, that is precisely what we want you to do, eh?  
  
Link: YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! ICKY ICKY ICKY ICKY!  
  
Nabooru: Woot the fook are you talkin' aboot, eh?  
  
Link: I'M SCARED OF LIVE BAIT! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!  
  
Gannondorf: They're just worms. They don't even have the capacity to feel pain.  
  
Link: BUT THEY'RE ALL SLIMY AND SQUIRMY AND THEY WRITHE IN AGONY AND BLEED EVERYWHERE!  
  
Nabooru: Okay, eh? I'll give you a lesson. Just take a worm...(plucks worm out of dirt)  
  
Link: (tentitively plucking worm out of dirt) Take...a...worm...AAAAAAAAAAAH EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EWWWWWWWWW! GETTITOFFGETTITOFFGETTITOFFFFFFF!  
  
Nabooru: Calm down eh? You wear gauntlents! You can't even feel the worm!  
  
Link: Oh right. Well then...  
  
Gannondorf: Well then what...  
  
Link: Well then...in that case, AAAAAAAAAH! WORM ON GAUNTLENTS! ICKY ICKY ICKY WORM JUICE ON GAUNTLENTS! (flings worm a hundred feet away) Oops...Golden Gauntlents...super strength...  
  
Rauru: (from house) The hell? Someone threw a worm at me!  
  
Link: (whistles nonchalantly, sidles slowly away)  
  
Rauru: (making disgusting chewing noises) And it's not even particularly good either!  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
11:33 AM: WE THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES, IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT JELL-O, ESTABLISH JELL-O, ENSURE JELL-OULAR TRANQUILLITY, PROVIDE FOR THE COMMON JELL-O, PROMOTE THE GENERAL JELL-O, AND SECURE THE BLESSING OF JELL-O UPON OURSELVES AND OUR POSTERITY, DO ORDAIN...I MEAN, UNDERSEA CAVE  
  
SK: (covered with leeches) OKAY, SO THE DOOR ISN'T IN THE LEECH POND.  
  
Darunia: (covered with piranna) And it's not in the pirrana farm.  
  
Malon: And it's not in my thoughts.  
  
SK: DID YOU CHECK YOUR LEFT MOTOR CORTEX?  
  
Malon: (sarcastically) Oh, you're right. No I didn't. (pause) Nope, not there.  
  
SK: WE MUST FIND IT! WE SHALL DOUBLE OUR EFFORTS! IF YOU CAN'T FIT THROUGH AN OPENING, DETATCH YOUR HEAD AND LOOK IN IT! (removes head)  
  
Malon: Skull Kid, you're a moron. And besides, we don't have to defeat the boss anyway. We can just go home.  
  
SK: NO! WE HAVE TO DEFEAT THE BOSS!  
  
Darunia: Thaaaaaaat's great. I'M gonna eat mayonaise.  
  
Malon: I wanna go home!  
  
SK: I WANNA KILL THE BOSS!  
  
Darunia: I'm gonna eat mayonaise!  
  
SK: KILL BOSS!  
  
Malon: Go home!  
  
Darunia: Eat mayonaise!  
  
SK: BOSS!  
  
Malon: HOME!  
  
Darunia: MAYO!  
  
SK: BOSS!  
  
Malon: HOME!  
  
Darunia: MAYO!  
  
SK: BOSS!  
  
Malon: HOME!  
  
Darunia: MAYO!  
  
Malon, SK, and Darunia at once: WHY YOU LITTLE...(Malon strangles Skull Kid, Skull Kid strangles Darunia, Darunia strangles Malon)  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
11:46 AM: TO ERR IS HUMAN, TO EAT JELL-O IS DIVINE. I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE  
  
Link: (srieking at half-second intervals) AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH!  
  
Nabooru: Okay, eh? Shut up?  
  
Link: Okay. I'm done.  
  
Nabooru: Okay. Now take the worm and put the hook in it.  
  
Link: Oooooookayyyyyy...I can do this...  
  
Nabooru: Yes...yes...  
  
Link: (sweat pouring down face) I can do this...I can do this...I can do this...  
  
Nabooru: Then do it.  
  
Link: (trembling uncontrollably) I can do this...I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS!  
  
Nabooru: JUST DO IT!  
  
Gannondorf: Can't tell a joke...  
  
Nabooru: NO! STOP THE NIKE COMMERCIAL!  
  
Link: I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS!  
  
Nabooru: JUST MOVE YOUR HAND A QUARTER OF AN INCH!  
  
Link: I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DOOOOOOOOOO THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!  
  
Nabooru: (trying to shove Link's hand onto worm) JUST HOOK THE WORM!  
  
Link: I CAN DO THIS! JE PEUT LE FAIT!  
  
Gannondorf: You're bilingual all of a sudden?  
  
Link: NABOORU TAUGHT ME FRENCH-CANADIAN! AND I CAN DO THIS!  
  
Nabooru: ECOUTE-MOI, IDIOT! BOUGE LE MAIN UNE CENTIMETRE!  
  
Link: NOOOON! I CAN DO THISSSS!  
  
Nabooru: ARRRRRG!  
  
Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IT BIT ME!  
  
Nabooru: What?  
  
Link: IT ATTACKED ME! I'M HURT! MEDIC!  
  
Nabooru: Link...  
  
Link: I'M DYING! THERE'S A TUNNEL OF LIGHT!  
  
Nabooru: Link...  
  
Link: A HEAVENLY CHOIR IS CALLING ME!  
  
Nabooru: Liiiiiink...  
  
Link: I BEQUEATH ALL MY WORLDLY POSESSIONS TO MY CAT, MITTENS!  
  
Nabooru: LINK!  
  
Link: ...AND I WANT MY EPITAPH TO SAY, "HERE LIES LINK, FELLED IN BATTLE BY VISCIOUS WORM..."  
  
Nabooru: LINK!  
  
Link: I WANT MY CASKET TO BE ALL OAKEN, WITH RUBBER GASKET AND RED SATIN LINING...  
  
Naboou: LLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIINK!  
  
Link: BURY ME AT MAKE-OUT CREEK! CALL A PRIEST TO PERFORM THE LAST RITES!  
  
Nabooru: LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNKKKKKK!  
  
Link: OH BURY ME NOOOOOOOOOOOT, ON THE LONE PRAIREEEEEEEEE, WHERE THE WILD COYOTEEEEEEEEEES, WILL HOWL ON MEEEEEEE...  
  
Nabooru: LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!  
  
Link: I LEAVE NAVI NOT A DIME IN INHERITANCE! EET MOR CHIKIN! EXIT, STAGE LEFT!  
  
Nabooru: (transforms into thirty-foot-tall rampaging hell demon) LLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKK!  
  
Link: Okay, you've got my attention.  
  
Nabooru: Three things. One: Shut up. Two: Nightcrawlers don't have MOUTHS or TEETH. Three: Even if they DID, it wouldn't KILL you.  
  
Link: Oh, you're right. I just got some sea water on my boo-boo.  
  
Nabooru: Oh forget it! Just use the balloon-animal balloons!  
  
Link: WHOO HOO! (shoots gun into air)  
  
Meanwhile, in da house...  
  
DED: (beating everyone at SSBM as Fox) I AM GOD! When I pray, I'm talking to myself!  
  
Mido: (getting beaten at SSBM as Roy) Wow! What a stuck-up dickhole comment! (takes notes)  
  
MD: No! NOW look what you've done Dave!  
  
DED: (grinning sheepishly) Heh...heh...heh...umm...talking...to...myself...hee hee hee...ha...ha...yeah.  
  
Saria: (getting totally anhilliated at SSBM as Ness) Umm...I'll call this a moral victory.  
  
Link: (getting beaten at SSBM as himself) THEY MAY KICK OUR ASS, BUT THEY'LL NEVER KICK OUR FREEDOM!  
  
DED: (throwing Bob-omb at Link) Don't worry, blowing up is good for you!  
  
Link: (blowing up) I BEG TO DIFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR...!!!  
  
Meanwhile, again...  
  
Link: Hey! I caught a sunfish! Sun of a fish!  
  
*rim shot*  
  
*dead silence*  
  
Gannondorf: I GUESS YOU HAVEN'T LEARNED YOUR LESSON! (chases Link around)  
  
Link: (screams girlishly) Oh, you HORRIBLE HORRIBLE MAN!  
  
Nabooru: Hey, I got a bite! (starts tugging) Grrr...fish is stuck.  
  
Ganondorf: (Holding Link's lifeless body by the throat, about to punch him) You probably snagged something like seaweed.  
  
Nabooru: No, I don't think so...(is suddenly jerked forward) Nope, DEFINITELY not!  
  
SUDDENLY, THEY SEE A GIANT FISH RISE TO THE TOP OF THE WATER!!! IT'S HUGE!!!  
  
Ganondorf: (Soap opera style) Egads, what in the world!?  
  
Link: (springing back into the world of the conscious) Gasp! Tis...the Hylian Loach! I have chased it my entire life!  
  
Nabooru: The Hylian Loach, eh?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
WE INTERRUPT THIS ENTERTAINING FANFIC FOR A VERY SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM MR. CRASH  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Mr. Crash: Hello. I'd just like to say something. I went to school for an entire year with several Canadian classmates and one Canadian teacher, and not ONCE did they ever say "eh?". They said other Canadian-isms, such a 'beauty', as in 'It's a beauty day' or 'What a beauty win'; also, they pronounced 'schedule' shessule, but they did not say 'eh'. Alright, as long as we have that stereotype outta the way.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULAR VIEWING. THIS HAS BEEN A CRASH 5 NEWS UPDATE.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Link: Yes, the Hylian Loach! I have persued the Loach ever since the day he bit off my...my...  
  
Ganondorf: Arm?  
  
Nabooru: Leg?  
  
Link: No! MY TOE! (He removes his boot. His right foot doesn't have a pinky toe)  
  
(Closeup on pinky toe-less foot) SFX: REET REET REET!  
  
Ganondorf: SICK, MAN!  
  
Nabooru: Dude, that's what we call an overshare. A beauty overshare.  
  
Link: ANYWAY, enough about my deformities! BACK TO THE STORY! (puts boot back on) I have persued the White Fish since that day! WE MUST CAPTURE IT!!! WE MUST KILL IT!!! MAKE IT PAY FOR WHAT IT'S DONE TO MY FOOT!!!! (Grabs Nabooru by the waist, starts pulling back) We must catch it! PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLL!!!!!!  
  
Nabooru: LEGGO!! GET OFFA ME, LINK!  
  
(suddenly, the fishing line breaks)  
  
Link: NOOOOOOOO!!! I must follow! (runs along shore line)  
  
Ganondorf: Every time I learn about his past, it becomes obvious that he is a sad, strange, lonely little man.  
  
Link: (running up to hippo) HAVE YE SEEN THE WHITE FISH???  
  
Hippo: ...?  
  
Link: _HAVE YE SEEN THE WHITE FISH_?????????  
  
Hippo: ....?  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
12:46 AM: WARNING! THIS CONTAINS ADULT MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN! IF YOU THOUGH JELL-O GONE WILD WAS WILD BEFORE, WAIT TILL YOU SEE THIS! HOT JELL-O ON JELL-O ACTION WITH YOUNG COLLEGE JELL-O, WILLING TO BARE ALL BEFORE THE CAMERA!! I MEAN, UNDERSEA CAVE  
  
All: GAAAAAAK...CHOKE...STRANGLE...GARROTE...  
  
Malon: WAIT!  
  
SK and Darunia: OKAY!  
  
Malon: Don't you see? WE'RE THE BOSS!  
  
SK and Darunia: WHA?  
  
Malon: There is no boss! But we think there is, and we've turned against each other! If we want to defeat the boss, then we'll have to...(suddenly realizes something, clamps hand on mouth)  
  
Darunia: You mean you'll have to...DEFEAT YOURSELF???  
  
Malon: Sigh...yes...  
  
SK: WELL. THAT'S AN ODD BOSS. (under breath) UGLY TOO. BITCHY. STUCK-UP.  
  
Malon: WWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??? (chases SK around)  
  
SK: (screams girlishly)  
  
Darunia: Defeat yourself! Defeat yourself! Defeat yourself! Defeat...  
  
SK: (Hiding behind Darunia) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
Malon: (runs headfirst into Darunia) OOOOOOOOOW! YOU FREAKING SONS OF BITCHES! I HATE YOU ALL!  
  
Darunia: Defeat yourself! Defeat yourself! Defeat yourself!  
  
SK: WAIT! MALON TURNED ON THE MAP! AND THERE'S A BOSS DOOR! SO THERE IS A BOSS!  
  
Malon: But...we're the boss...  
  
SK: NO, WHATEVER LIVES IN THIS ROOM IS THE BOSS. BESIDES, WHY WOULD WE HAVE A KEY TO OURSELVES? WHERE WOULD WE STICK IT?  
  
(long pause)  
  
Darunia: Eww.  
  
Malon: Hmm. True. Meh, whatever.  
  
SK: THE BOSS IS OVER HERE!  
  
Darunia: Defeat yourself!  
  
Malon: NO! WE ALREADY DECIDED THAT WE'RE NOT GOING TO!  
  
Darunia: Oh.  
  
Malon: Hmm...I don't get it. Link always makes it seems like going on adventures is hard, but this stuff is _easy_!  
  
SK: WELL, I GUESS EXTREME STRENGTH HELPS!  
  
SUDDENLY, THEY COME ACROSS A DOOR! AND THERE'S A SIGN IN FRONT OF THE DOOR!  
  
Sign: This door has a musical lock. Play the song of the Royal Family to unlock it!  
  
Malon: POUND AWAY, DARUNIA!  
  
Darunia: Can do! (walks up to door and punches it. Pauses, then looks at his hand) OooooOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!  
  
Malon: It appears we need to actually solve this one. Anyone know the "song of the royal family"?  
  
SK: HOWZABOUT THIS! (whips out violin, begins Riverdancing) DUN DUN DUN DOO DOO DUN DUN!!  
  
Door: (nothing happens)  
  
Darunia: Well, _I_ know what I think it is! (starts singing Saria's Song) DOO DOO DOO!! DOO DOO DOO!!  
  
Door: (nothing happens)  
  
Malon: It's not working.  
  
Darunia: (still singing) WHAT A HOT, HOT BEAT!! (starts dancing very fast) DOO DOO DOO!!!!! DOO DOO DOO!!!!  
  
Malon: Uh, Darunia? You can stop now singing that now...  
  
Darunia: DOO DOO DOO!!!!!!! DOO DOO DOO!! WHAT A HOT BEAT!!!!! (eyes go red, body starts shaking)  
  
Malon: HOLY SHITAKE!  
  
Darunia: (falls to the ground, thrashing) HOT BEAT! HOT BEAT!!!!!!!!!!!! (explodes violently, turns into pile of ashes with Darunia's eyes on it)  
  
SK: FREAKY.  
  
Malon: Okay, now I'LL try a song...heh heh heh...  
  
SK: NO! NOT...!  
  
Malon: DOO DOO DOOOOOO! DOO DOO DOOOOOO!!!  
  
SK: (clutches head) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  
  
(musical lock starts vibrating)  
  
Malon: DOO DOO DOOOOOO!!!! DOO DOO DOOOOO!!!  
  
(musical lock explodes)  
  
Malon: Hey, it worked! HA! Take that, Skull Kid! Skull Kid...?  
  
SK: (lying in fetal position, clutching knees, rocking back and forth) STOP...MAKE IT STOP...  
  
Malon: Uh, are you okay?  
  
SK: (leaps up) NEVER EVER DO ANYTHING REMOTELY SIMALAR TO WHAT YOU JUST DID!!!!! (storms off through the now-open door)  
  
Malon: (pauses) Jeez, say it don't spray it.  
  
Darunia: Wait for me! Guys...? (inches along)  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
1:22 PM: ON THE EIGHTH DAY, GOD CREATED JELL-O, AND SPOKETH, "MAY MORTALS FEAST UPON THIS, MY MOST DIVINE CREATION. YEA AND VERILY..." I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE  
  
Nabooru: (reeling in another fish) Even with Link deranged, we're right on shessule!  
  
Gannondorf: Yeah!  
  
Link: (talking to rock) HAVE YE SEEN THE WHITE FISH! It's okay. Take your time.  
  
Nabooru: What IS he talking aboot, anyway?  
  
Gannondorf: His mind is an enigma.  
  
Link: (talking to tree) HAVE YE FREAKING SEEN THE WHITE FISH? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE ANSWER ME?  
  
Nabooru: Well, I think we can call it a day. We got some beauty fish, and besides, I want to watch the hockey game...EH???  
  
Mr. Crash: STOP! STOP THE MADNESS! STOP THE STERIOTYPES!  
  
Nabooru: NEVER, EH?  
  
MC: TIME TO PUT A STOP TO THIS FOREVER! (attacks Nabooru)  
  
Nabooru: NEVER! ME AND MY HOCKEY HAIR WILL ESCAPE! (pulls out pins, punctures inflated pants, flies away) AWAY, EH?  
  
MC: The horror will never end...Well, I tried, what's for supper?  
  
Gannondorf: Nothing for you.  
  
MC: Oh, right.  
  
Link: (grabbing Mr. Crash by the collar) HAVE YE SEEN THE WHITE FISH??? HAVE YE???  
  
MC: NO!  
  
Link: Okay then, I MUST FOLLOW IT! (puts on Zora tunic and Iron Boots, walks into the sea)  
  
Gannondorf: There goes a stupid, stupid man.  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
2:03 PM: OH BEAUTIFUL FOR SPACIOUS JELL-O, FOR AMBER WAVES OF JELL-O, FOR PURPLE JELL-O MAJESTIES, ACROSS THY FRUITED JELL-O, OH JELLLLLL-O, OH JELLLLLL-O, GOD SHED HIS GRACE ON THEEEEEEEEEEEE, AND CROWN THY JELL-O WITH...I MEAN, UNDERSEA CAVE  
  
Darunia: Okay, so here we are. There's a dead end!  
  
SK: BUT THE MAP SAYS THE BOSS IS BEHIND THIS WALL!  
  
Malon: Hmm...  
  
Darunia: I can try smashing it! (Smashes wall) OOOOOW! Nope.  
  
SK: I KNOW! I BET ONE OF THESE WALLS IS AN ILLUSION! SO SINCE WE DON'T HAVE THE LENSE OF TRUTH, I'LL JUST...(charges headfirst into wall) NOPE! (readjusts position, charges headfirst into wall again) NOPE!  
  
Malon: THE WALL IS REAL! STOP RAMMING IT!  
  
SK: OKAY.  
  
Darunia: What should we do then?  
  
Malon: THAT'S IT!  
  
SK and Darunia: WHAT?  
  
Malon: I've got a hole in me pocket!  
  
SK and Darunia: HUH?  
  
Malon: (pulls out black circle) Here we go! (places black circle on wall, walks through)  
  
SK: WHOA! WELL. HUH.  
  
Darunia: COOL! (walks through hole)  
  
SK: MEH. (follows)  
  
Malon: Look! The boss door!  
  
Darunia: (takes out key) TADAAAA! (opens door)  
  
SK: HEY! THE ROOM LOOKS JUST LIKE...OUR BATHROOM! ONLY HUNDREDS OF TIMES BIGGER!  
  
Malon: And the toilet! It's...  
  
All: ALIVE!  
  
JOHN THE TOILET: CADAVER-CREATING CARNIVEROUS CRAPPER  
  
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
Malon: (takes out plunger) DIE, FIEND OF NATURE! (jumps atop toilet)  
  
Darunia: ATTACK! (leaps into toilet bowl, starts punching toilet)  
  
John the Toilet: RRRRAAAAAAARR! (tries to flush Darunia)  
  
Darunia: (spinning round and round) AAAAAAAAAAAH! I'M GETTING FLUSHED! SO DIZZY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO...(clogs toilet) Oop! What? I'M SAVED! BUT STUCK! AAAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
SK: I'll SAVE YOU! (leaps into toilet bowl, starts pulling on Darunia)  
  
John: RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGH! (builds up huge water pressure benieth Darunia)  
  
Malon: DARUNIA! LOOK OUT!  
  
Darunia: OH REAL HELPFUL ADVICE! I'LL RUN AWAY!  
  
SFX: KATHOOOOOOOMMM!  
  
Darunia: (goes flying)  
  
Malon: (beating John with Plunger) DIE!  
  
John: GGGGGRRR! (knocks Malon into toilet bowl)  
  
Malon: OH NO! I'M SKINNY AND ATTRACTIVE, INSTEAD OF FAT AND UGLY LIKE DARUNIA! I'LL BE SUCKED DOWN!  
  
SK: THAT'S IT! USE THE PLUNGER!  
  
Malon: YES! (sticks plunger into bottom of toilet, starts plunging)  
  
John: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH! (becomes stunned, cover of toilet tank opens)  
  
Darunia: Now! FINISH HIM!  
  
SUDDENLY, THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY APPEARS IN HIS AUTO-GYRO AND DROMS A BOMB INTO THE TANK!  
  
John: Yuh oh...(explodes)  
  
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (giant tidal wave of toilet water engulfs everyone)  
  
(LOZ boss-beaten music plays)  
  
Soundtrack: DUN DUNNNNN, DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...  
  
(circle of blue light appears with heart container)  
  
Malon: YAY! (goes and picks up heart container)  
  
Darunia: OOOOH! HEART CONTAINER! (goes and grabs heart container)  
  
SK: I WANT IT! (grabs heart container)  
  
Malon: NO! ME!  
  
Darunia: ME!  
  
SK: ME!  
  
Malon: ME! (drops heart container, which shatters)  
  
Darunia: Oh. Well. Never mind then.  
  
Malon: We're gone! (steps into circle of light, floats away)  
  
SK: WOOT WOOT WOOT WOOT WOOT! (steps into circle of light, floats away)  
  
Darunia: Umm...huzzah? (steps into circle of light, floats away)  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
3:23 PM: TO EAT LIME JELL-O, OR TO EAT ORANGE JELL-O. THAT IS THE QUESTION. WHETHER IT IS NOBLER IN THE MIND OF MAN TO SUFFER THE SLINGS AND JELL-O OF OUTRAGEOUS JELL-O, OR TO TAKE ARMS AGAINST THE SEA OF JELL-O, AND BY OPPOSING, END THEM? TO DIE, TO EAT JELL-O NO MORE, AYE, THERE'S THE RUB. TO EAT, PERCHANCE TO DREAM...I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE  
  
Rauru: I'm hungry!  
  
Zelda: Of course you're hungry. You're always hungry. Here, have the bunless hot dog. (hands Rauru moldy, lint-covered hot dog)  
  
Rauru: Well, it IS moldy and lint-covered, but...who am I to look a gift food in the mouth? I just put it in mine! (devours hot dog)  
  
DED: HEY! I HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING SO FAR!  
  
MD: NEITHER HAVE I!  
  
Ruto: Umm...ooooooookay...  
  
Saria: Hope Malon will be back soon...I really have to go!  
  
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
3:46 PM: ALAS, MY JELL-O YOU DO ME WRONG TO PUT ME OUT DISCOURTIOUSLY, AND I HAVE LOVED YOU FOR SO LONG DELIGHTING IN YOUR JELL-O, GREEN JELL-O IS WHAT SHE ATE AND GREEN JELL-O IS MY DELIGHT, HASTE, HASTE TO EAT SOME JELL- O, OH BUT MY LADY JELLLLL-O. I MEAN, SOMEWHERE IN THE EXTRADIMENSIONAL AETHER  
  
SK: COOL! WE'RE IN THE EXTRA-DIMENSIONAL AETHER!  
  
Malon: Hmm. This teleportation stuff takes forever!  
  
Darunia: Plus there's weird elevator music everywhere.  
  
Soundtrack: (plays light jazz)  
  
Malon: Sooooooo.  
  
SK: SO.  
  
Darunia: Umm...  
  
Soundtrack: (light jazz)  
  
Malon: This is really getting kind of disturbing. (looks around)  
  
Darunia: Umm...  
  
SK: YEAH.  
  
(long pause)  
  
Soundtrack: (light jazz)  
  
Malon: Riiiiiiiiight.  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
4:02 PM: HEIL JELL-O! HEIL JELL-O! HEIL JELL-O! HEIL JELL-O! HEIL JELL-O! HEIL JELL-O! HEIL JELL-O! I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE  
  
Saria: I REALLY CAN'T HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER!  
  
Malon: (floating down) NEVER FEAR!  
  
SK: (floating down) WE'VE GOT THE PLUNGER!  
  
Darunia: (falling out of sky, making Darunia-shaped hole in ceiling) aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *WUMPH*  
  
Impa: Huzzah!  
  
Nabooru: What a beauty plunger!  
  
DED: Go unclog the toilet!  
  
Link (running in to the house, soaking wet): WHILE YOU WERE UNDERWATER, DID YE SEE THE WHITE FISH???  
  
Malon: Umm...noooo...  
  
Link: (veins bulging, Song of Storms playing in background) I MUSSSST FIND THE WHITE FISH! WhErE iS tHe WhItE fIsH???? SMOE ONE TLEE ME WHRE IT IZZ CUZ I DOTN NOOOOO!!!!!!!1111!!  
  
MD: RESTRAIN YOURSELF MAN!  
  
SK: LET'S GO FIX THE TOILET! HYOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Everyone: (goes into bathroom)  
  
Malon: Ooooookay...steady...steady...caaaaaaaaaaaareful...caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarefu llllll...ATTACK! (rams plunger into toilet, plunges visciously) I DID IT!  
  
Rauru: WE FIXED THE TOILET! HAL-LAY-LOO-GEE-YUH!  
  
All: YAY!  
  
Saria: Now then! EVERYONE GET OUT! I HAVE TO GO!  
  
Ruto: NO! I USE IT FIRST!  
  
DED: NO! ME!  
  
Mido: ME!  
  
Impa: ME!  
  
Nabooru: ME!  
  
Zelda: ME!  
  
***  
  
Next Time on Containment:  
  
"The Creepy Camera Guy is, as it always has been....................."  
  
"WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!"  
  
"SO LONG, ISLAND! SO LONG, HIPPOS! Sweet, delicious hippos...*sniffle*" 


	25. Part TwentyFive: Containment 8

AIRWZAC  
  
***  
  
Chapter 26: Containment, episode 7: SO LONG SUCKERESAS!  
  
***  
  
Last time on Containment:  
  
"I caught a flounder! Better put it in the lost and flound!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAH EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EWWWWWWWWW! GETTITOFFGETTITOFFGETTITOFFFFFFF!"  
  
"(shrieking at half-second intervals) AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH!"  
  
(tickety tickety tickety)  
  
9:29 PM: NANANANANANA, NA, JELL-O! NA NA NA NA, NA NAAAAAAAAAANA, JELL-O! NANANANANA...I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE  
  
Link: (sauntering out of bathroom) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. That was the most trancendent urination I've EVER experienced.  
  
Zelda: Well that is simply fan-fooking-tastic.  
  
Ruto: So, we've all finally used the bathroom.  
  
DED: What took you? It's been five hours!  
  
Impa: Well, we haven't been in what, two and a half days?  
  
Mido: That, and all the GIRLS went and took FOREVER...  
  
All girls: SHUT UP YOU STUCK-UP DICKHOLE!  
  
Mido: I stand corrected.  
  
MD: Well, I guess we're done for today. Ready to hit the hay?  
  
Darunia: (beating a bale of hay with billy clubs) Waaaay ahead of you.  
  
MD: No, I mean like hit the sack.  
  
Ruto: (beating burlap sack with tire iron) I'm on it!  
  
SK: OW! STOP! I'M IN THE SACK! AAAAAAAAH!  
  
MD: No, I mean like, let's turn in!  
  
DED: Into what? Can I be a talking ostrich again?  
  
MD: NO! LET'S GO TO BED!  
  
Saria: So it's like a race? To the bed and back?  
  
MD: NO! LET'S LAY OURSELVES DOWN ON A COMFORTABLE SURFACE, SHUT OUR EYES, AND ENTER A STATE OF RELAXED UNCONSCIOUSNESS IN ORDER TO REST THE BODY FROM PERVIOUS EXERTIONS!  
  
All: OOOOOOOOH!  
  
Zelda: Why didn't you just say so?  
  
Malon: Yeah!  
  
MD: Sigh...  
  
*tickety tickety tickety*  
  
11:23 PM: MOVE IN NOW MOVE OUT! JAWS UP NOW JAWS DOWN! CHEW UP CHEW UP TELL ME WHATCHA GONNA DO NOW EAT JELL-O JELL-O JELL-O WHAT? EAT JELL-O JELL-O JELL-O...I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE  
  
Nabooru: Eh! I can't sleep!  
  
DED: Yeah, being held captive by an insane criminal mastermind who controls whether you live or die does that too you.  
  
Link: In fact, no one's asleep. 'Cept Rauru.  
  
Gannondorf: I guess he's tired out from all his eating.  
  
Rauru: (dreaming, oozing drool) Yes...zzzzz...a whole dump truck of mashed potatoes? For me?...zzzzzz...back it up to my dinner table and I'll open my mouth...  
  
Malon: Um...riiiiiiiiiight. (sticks cork in Rauru's mouth)  
  
Ruto: So what should we do?  
  
DED: Let's see...we could watch TV, but...hmm...what is on at 11:23 anyway?  
  
MD: (checking listings) Okay. On AMC there's "Murder Most Erotic." On ABC we have "America's Nudest People." On Fox, there's the new reality series "Escape from Breast Island" and on Cartoon Network there's this bizzare thing where the Harlem Globetrotters have superpowers and solve mysteries. Oh, and on NBC there's a special report on women who wear too small bras.  
  
DED: Great, let's watch that.  
  
MD: EWWW? WHAT THE FFFFFFFFFH?  
  
DED: I mean the mystery-solving Harlem Globetrotters! (Infinitely amused) Check it out! That guy has a basketball for a head! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Skull Kid: (leaping up) I GOT AN IDEA!  
  
Link: Does it involve decapitation?  
  
SK: NO! ...YES. (sits back down)  
  
DED: Wait! I got a real idea! Lets check in on Windmill Guy!  
  
Zelda: What? Why?  
  
DED: I dunno, maybe we could talk him out of releasing that green fog that gives you siezures at random intervals.  
  
(green gas emits from the ceiling)  
  
MD: Aww nuts. (collapses on floor, convulsing)  
  
DED: Well, I'M going through with my plan. Okay, go to chanel 666...  
  
(screen flickers and shows WG and FG with backs towards camera, talking on phone)  
  
WG: ...yes, I know we have an outstanding debt of one schnizzleload of Rupees, but we're good for it! Okay, thank you. Buhbye. *hangs up*  
  
FG: Well?  
  
WG: We're in some serious *expletive deleted*  
  
FG: Oh *expletive deleted*  
  
WG: If we don't come up with some *expletive deleted*ing cash soon, we'll be totally *expletive deleted* *expletive deleted*!  
  
FG: *expletive deleted*!  
  
WG: Well, keeping those *expletive deleted*ers on that *expletive deleted* island alive isn't going to help very *expletive deleted* much.  
  
FG: So, I guess we do the usual *expletive deleted*?  
  
WG: Yes...yessss...and after we dispose of their bodies in the incinerator, we'll get some nice tropical drinks.  
  
FG: Like a Wakiki *expletive deleted* with Captain Morgan Brand Spiced *expletive deleted*?  
  
WG: YESSSSSSSS!  
  
FG and WG: MOOOOWOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH*explativedeleted*AHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (screen goes black)  
  
DED: *blinks*  
  
Saria: What's going on?  
  
DED: Umm...to put it in language a child can understand...hmm...how about WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (runs headfirst into wall)  
  
All: SAY WHAT?  
  
DED: THEY'RE GOING TO KILL US! FOR FINANCE REASONS!  
  
All: *weird squishy sound as everyone blinks at once*  
  
DED: That's bad.  
  
All: *pause* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Impa: WHAT CAN WE DO?  
  
Nabooru: You got to help, eh?  
  
DED: Sure, do I use a gun or what?  
  
Nabooru: NOT HELP IN KILLING US! HELP IN SAVING US!  
  
DED: So, I should stab you in your sleep, right?  
  
Nabooru: NOOOOOOOOO! SAVE US! SAVE!  
  
DED: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Okay, we've got to figure out some way to escape. Now the way I see it is...  
  
Darunia: (lunging at DED) NOOOOOOOOOO! (tackles DED, clamps hand over mouth)  
  
DED: MMMMMMMMMPH! GAG! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?  
  
Darunia: DON'T SAY ANYTHING! THEY CAN HEAR US!  
  
DED: Huh?  
  
Darunia: If we draw plans, they can see us. If we talk about it, they can hear us. THEY KNOW EVERYTHING!  
  
Malon: That's ridiculous!  
  
Voice from ceiling: Yes. Ridiculous. Everyone go to bed. Fall into a catatonic, stuporous sleep where you would not wake up even if someone with a knife broke through the window. Have some warm milk.  
  
*pause*  
  
Darunia: SEE?  
  
DED: Okay, okay. Whatever we do, we can't fall asleep. Okay.  
  
MD: Okay?  
  
DED: Okay.  
  
Mido: So what should we do?  
  
(pause)  
  
All: MANDITORTY REALITY T.V. DRUNKEN WILD PARTY WHEREIN WE ALL GET PLASTERED AND TRY TO HAVE SEX BECUASE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE SO WHY THE HECK NOT??? *gasp gasp gasp gasp*  
  
SUDDENLY, THE CREEPY CAMERAMAN GUY FLIES IN ON HIS AUTO-GYRO, BEARING A DISCO BALL! WHICH HE SHINES A FLASHLIGHT ON! AND IT'S PARTY TIME! WOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Malon: (bringing in crate of "Cap'n Cirrhosis Ludicrously Fortified Wine and Windshield Wiper Fluid") I'VE GOT THE DRUNK!  
  
Link and Zelda: WE'VE GOT THE SEX!  
  
Mido: (cutting rope which is supporting a giant anvil hanging over everyone) I'VE GOT THE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!  
  
All: NO! STOP! WE ALREADY GOT THAT!  
  
Mido: OKAY!  
  
Darunia: (carrying aloft giant cedar box) I'VE GOT THE *grunt* HOT TUB!  
  
SK: EVERYONE'S SPEAKING IN CAPITALS! I'M IN HOG HEAVEN!  
  
(suddenly, pulsing dance music comes on, accompanied by strobe light)  
  
ALL: HEY! SUDDENLY PULSING DANCE MUSIC COMES ON ACCOMPINIED BY STROBE LIGHT!  
  
SK: SORRY! I JUST HAD THE STROBE LIGHT, AND THE BOOM BOX, AND I THOUGHT...  
  
Ruto: CAN WE BE QUIET FOR A SECOND?  
  
MD: Sure. (everything grinds to an abrupt halt)  
  
Ruto: If you're gonna have a semi-mosh-pit-like drunken dance party, you have to do it right. Okay. Let's get some music.  
  
Darunia: Well, I've got some bongo drums.  
  
Saria: (suddenly wearing black pants and a black turtleneck, with a black beret and black shades) Groovy, daddy-o.  
  
Darunia: Cool! You're a real beatnik! All I got is a chiseled pointy devil- beard-like gotee! (points to carved gotee) This rightfully belongs to you. Shine on you crazy diamond!  
  
Saria: I dig.  
  
Ruto: I had in mind something more riveting that Saria beating bongos and reading her poetry.  
  
Saria: "I wander the never-yesterdays/ galloping over cosmic fields of roasted squishy pork loins/ O Elysium! totally buggered out, man/ So lather, rinse, and repeat."  
  
Impa: Yeah. Lets not...  
  
Nabooru: ...EH???  
  
Impa: WHOO! (high-fives Nabooru)  
  
Ruto: Uh huh. Like I said, let's get some real music going.  
  
Link: THAT'S IT! (pulls out Zora guitar) I've got a guitar!  
  
DED: NAY! (pulls out his dad's crappy black Yahama) I'VE got a guitar!  
  
MD: NYET! (pulls out trombone) I'VE GOT A...err...trombone? NO WAIT! I GOT A GUITAR! (pulls out Gibson hollow-body)  
  
DED: DOOD! Where did you get that? All I got is my dad's crappy black Yamaha, as previously stated!  
  
MD: I dunno, I just reached into this extra-dimensional pocket behind my back and got it. Like this! (turns into angry anime-style person, reaches behind back, pulls out frying pan, beats DED with it)  
  
DED: OW! SONNOFA HAMBURGER!  
  
MD: *giggles innocently*  
  
DED: Well. Let me try. (reaches behind back, pulls out another crappy black Yamaha) DAMMIT! (pulls out another) DAMMIT! (pulls out another) DAMMIT! (pulls out another and another and another) Awww CRAP! (there is a giant pile of crappy black Yamahas)  
  
MD: Let me try. (reaches around behind DED's back) Oooh. Hmm. Eeew! Squishy! OW! Spikey! AAH! Moving! Here we are! (pulls out large, ugly fish)  
  
DED: No! That's a guitarfish! OOH! IN THIS GAME THAT THEY HAD ON THE COMPUTERS AT MY SCHOOL THERE WAS THIS GAME CALLED, UM, OCEAN THINGY, UMM, ODELL DOWN UNDER, THAT'S IT, AND YOU COULD PLAY AS A GUITARFISH AND EAT STUFF BUT IT WAS BETTER IF YOU WERE A GREAT WHITE SHARK AND COULD EAT EVERYTHING!  
  
Saria: Like Rauru!  
  
DED: YES!  
  
MD: Thaaaaaaaaaaaaat's...ass-stounding. Let me try again. (throws fish over shoulder)  
  
Rauru: (sleeping) In fact...zzzzz...I'd like a nice fish sandwich...(guitarfish lands in mouth) Mmmm! Thanks...zzzzz...(inhales fish)  
  
MD: So. Umm. Right. (reaches behind DED, pulls out slimy sewer chunk)  
  
DED: No! That's a gutter!  
  
MD: Okaaaaaaaay...(pulls out a scuba tank)  
  
DED: No! That's a get-air!  
  
MD: Huh? Whatever...(pulls out an Arabian-looking person)  
  
DED: No! That's a resident of the nation of Qatar!  
  
Qatar person: 'Salright.  
  
MD: That was just plain wierd. (pulls out a large knife attached to an H- shaped handle)  
  
DED: No! That's a katar!  
  
MD: Okay, this is getting odd. (pulls out gourd-shaped instrument)  
  
DED: No! That's a sitar!  
  
MD: I'm getting closer though...(pulls out awesome Washburn accoustic)  
  
DED: YAAAAAAAAAAAY!  
  
Link: Well, no matter. I'm going to be playing guitar.  
  
DED: NO! I AM!  
  
MD: NO! I AM!  
  
Link: ME!  
  
DED: ME!  
  
MD: ME!  
  
Link: ME!  
  
DED: ME!  
  
MD: ME!  
  
Link: ME!  
  
DED: ME!  
  
MD: ME!  
  
Nabooru: I CALL TOP BUNK!  
  
Link: ME!  
  
DED: ME!  
  
MD: ME!  
  
Ruto: SHUT UP! YOU CAN ALL PLAY GUITAR!  
  
DED: Okay. I'll be lead guitar. You two play back-up.  
  
Link: No, I'M playing lead!  
  
MD: No! ME!  
  
Link: ME!  
  
DED: ME!  
  
MD: ME!  
  
Link: ME!  
  
DED: ME!  
  
MD: ME!  
  
Ruto: YOU CAN ALL BE LEAD GUITAR!  
  
DED, MD, Link: *pause*  
  
MD: *sheepishly* Umm...I'm...lead...number one...and DED's two...and Link's...three?  
  
DED: NO! I'M NUMBER ONE!  
  
Link: ME!  
  
DED: ME!  
  
MD: ME!  
  
Ruto: YOU'RE ALL LEAD NUMBER ONE!  
  
DED: Okay.  
  
Link: Sounds good.  
  
MD: Ehxxxelent.  
  
Link: Actually, I can't play the guitar now because I have to go off with Zelda and do highly suggestive activities that turn out to be totally innocent after all!  
  
Zelda: Yeah! Today's innuendo-rife game is "Lick the Creamy Goo!"  
  
Link: Sounds good! (runs off into bedroom with Zelda, slams door)  
  
DED: Right. I'll take the fish guitar then. (strums it, which produces an incredibly annoying screech) GAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Maaaaaybe not.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Darunia: GRUNT...SNORT...GURGLE...Where do you want the hot tub...rrrgggh...  
  
Impa: I dunno, anywhere. Here.  
  
Darunia: Whatever. (drops hot tub squarely on Mido)  
  
Mido: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*WUMPH*  
  
Ruto: Now, how to heat it?  
  
Darunia: Something hot...THAT'S IT!  
  
Nabooru: Woot's it, eh?  
  
Darunia: SARIA! GET YER OCARINA!  
  
Saria: Kay, but wh...(realizes something)...oh no...  
  
Darunia: PLLLLAAAY THE SOOOONNNNNGG!  
  
Saria: *sighs* Fine...(plays Saria's Song)  
  
Darunia: WHAT A HOT BEAT! (leaps up and down, causing floor to shake and the hot tub to bounce up and down)  
  
Mido: (under hot tub) OW...GOD...THE...PAIN...HURT...ING...MY...FACE...HELP...STOP...  
  
Saria: (stops playing) What did you expect that to do?  
  
Darunia: (lying on the ground gasping, twitching spasmodically) Hot...beat...hot...bea...t...h-h-h-ot...b-bea...t...*gurgle* (passes out)  
  
Impa: I HAVE A PLAN!  
  
Saria: Joy to the world.  
  
Impa: We just have to heat it with fire!  
  
Saria: Makes sense.  
  
Nabooru: H'okayeeee, find some wood! (starts tearing bookcases and books apart and piling them around hot tub)  
  
Ruto: Does this plan seem the least bit shortsighted? Like, we could end up setting the whole TUB on fire, seeing as how it's made of WOOD?  
  
Impa: (merrily dousing wood with gasoline) NOPE! (throws match into wood, which bursts into flame)  
  
Mido: (under hot tub) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!  
  
Ruto: YOU IDIOTS! (douses flames with water gun) We are not savages. We have technology. (gestures to a computer)  
  
Malon: Ahh, technology.  
  
*A few moments later*  
  
(Ruto is perched atop a bookcase with a computer teetering on the edge about to plummet into the hot tub)  
  
Ruto: Ready...DROP! (shoves computer into tub)  
  
Mido: (sitting in tub, getting hit with computer) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (computer breaks and electrocutes Mido) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHH GGAGAGGAAGGAGAGAGAGA!!!!  
  
SFX: KKKZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!  
  
Ruto: Okay...wait for it...wait for it...  
  
Mido: (smoking profusely) YIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYYYIYYIIYIIIYIYIIIYIYIYIYIYIYIIYIYIYIYI...  
  
Ruto: STOP!  
  
(Malon removes plug from wall)  
  
Saria: (Removing Mido's quivering body from the tub) Looks perfect!  
  
Darunia: (waking up) EVERYONE IN THE TUB! (leaps into the tub, sending all the water flying out)  
  
Everyone: DARUNIA!!!  
  
Darunia: Oops.  
  
(for some reason the water is just hovering in the air)  
  
Ruto: Hey, did it occur to anyone that the water will still be electrified for a while after we stopped the computer from electrocuting it?  
  
All: No...  
  
Ruto: Then you might want to RUN NOW!!!  
  
(everyone but Mido runs away)  
  
Mido: Huh? (all the water lands on him, electrocuting him again)  
  
SFX: KKKZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!  
  
Mido: GGGGGAGGAGAGAGGGAGAGAGAGAAGGAGGAAGGAGA!  
  
Everyone: HA HA!  
  
Darunia: Well, now what? Haveta refill it...I'll get the little hose deely that comes out of the sink. (goes into kitchen, returns with tiny black hose thingy) Okay...(turns it on, causing a tiny trickle of water to ooze out)  
  
Malon: Well this stinks.  
  
WHILE THEY PONDER THAT CONFOUNDING SITUATION, OUR ATTENTION TURNS ELSEWHERE...  
  
MD: Okay. I'll play some chords and you play a solo.  
  
DED: Okay, but what if I change my mind?  
  
MD: What?  
  
DED: What if I want to play chords?  
  
MD: JUST DO IT! I DON'T CARE!  
  
DED: YES!  
  
MD: Fine...(starts playing chords)  
  
DED: WOOT! (starts playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb) RRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOCCCCCCKKKK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!  
  
MD: (stops) Waitwaitwaitwait. What are you doing?  
  
DED: Jamming!  
  
MD: No, you're little lambing.  
  
DED: Umm. Okay. How about something else then?  
  
MD: Okay. Don't screw up. (starts playing chord)  
  
DED: (playing "Aura Lee") YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!  
  
MD: WHY ARE YOU ONLY PLAYING PUBLIC-DOMAIN CHILDREN'S SONGS?  
  
DED: Umm...well...I...  
  
MD: Well?  
  
DED: ...Those are the only songs that I know from my book...  
  
MD: So...umm...  
  
DED: Right.  
  
MD: Yeah...  
  
DED: FORGET THIS! I'M HOT-TUBBING!  
  
MD: Whatever. I'll go get my bathing suit.  
  
DED: NO WAY! WE'RE SKINNY-DIPPING!  
  
MD: Oh good GOD no.  
  
DED: OH YES! (rips off clothes, which are covering more identical clothes) Hey! What the...(starts ripping dozens of sets of clothes off, until there is a big mound of torn-up clothes at his side) Oh, right! This thing's rated PEE-GEE-THIRT-HEEN! So! Lets...goooooooooooo! (grabs MD by the arm, creates a magical rainbow and jumps onto it, sliding about five feet and landing in front of the empty hot tub)  
  
MD: Umm...right.  
  
DED: What's going on?  
  
Darunia: (still oozing water) Umm. Trying to fill tub.  
  
Ruto: Oh for crying out loud. Wait here. (runs off)  
  
Malon: Huh?  
  
DED: Whatever.  
  
Mido: Say, has anyone been keeping an eye on Link and Zelda? So to speak.  
  
Impa: Say...you're right.  
  
Link: (from other room) YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAH! LICK IT! LICK IT GOOOOD! UHN! LICK! LICK IT ALL!  
  
Zelda: MMMMMMMMMMMPPHHHH! Mmmmmm...It's so creamy! Mmmmmmm...  
  
Link: Mmmm...yeah...now...swallow it. Swallow it all...  
  
Zelda: (gulping noises) Mmmmmmm...oh yeah...it tastes soooo gooooood...  
  
Nabooru: Oh God.  
  
DED: (smashing down door) PLEASE! THIS IS A FAMILY FANFICTION!  
  
Link: (sitting at a table across from Zelda) Huh?  
  
Zelda: (face-down in plate of Cool-Whip) Hhhhmmmmmph? What's going on?  
  
DED: YOU FILTHY DEGENERATES! WHAT ARE...you...doing...?  
  
Link: We're playing a wholesome game of "Lick the Creamy Goo!"  
  
Zelda: (face covered with Cool Whip, licking it off) That is, we hide a Skittles in a blob of Cool Whip and then find it without using our hands! See? (sticks out tongue, with a Skittle on it)  
  
Link: Yay! Now for the sprint round! Got your stopwatch?  
  
Zelda: Yep! (takes out stopwatch) Readdddddyyyyy...GO!  
  
Link: (burying head in plate of Cool Whip) Mmmmmmmmph!  
  
Zelda: Mmmm...oh yesssss Link...that's the spot...right there...mmmmmmmm...lick it...oooohhh...aaaaaaaahhhhh...  
  
DED: I'm going to quietly close the door and forget I saw this. (backs slowly out of room)  
  
Ruto: (looking like a huge blob, trying to wedge through the door) HI!  
  
Everyone: AAAAAAAAHHHH!  
  
Saria: The HELL?  
  
Ruto: (speaking in watery, deep voice) I WENT INTO THE OCEAN AND SOAKED UP SOME WATER! NOW...(oozes toward hot tub, opens mouth, sprays out water) GARGELELLGARGARLGARRRGLLELELE...(slowly deflating)  
  
MD: That is truly horrifying.  
  
Ruto: GURGLYGURGLE...phew! Done! No, wait...(coughs up sea cucumber) GHWARK! GACK!  
  
DED: Um. Riiiiight. Well, the tub's full.  
  
Impa: (dipping hand in, which is attacked by a stingray) AAAH! Well, the water's warm...and angry.  
  
Ruto: Want me to filter it?  
  
Mido: Umm, no. That's quite all right.  
  
Ruto: Whatever you say! (jumps into tub, starts absorbing the water, swells to enormous size) NOW THEN! (shoves a Hepa filter into mouth, starts spewing water) GARGLEDYGARGLEGARGLEGARGLEGURGLEGARUGLE...Okay...(starts regurgitating sea life) HRUUUGGGGAARK GAAK GAAAAARRRRRK HWAAAAARRRRKKKK GGGGAARRRKKK...  
  
Gannondorf: Ruto! You ate a whole ecosystem!  
  
Rauru: (sleepwalking in his smelly, holey tightey-whities) Eat a whole ecosystem? Don't mind if I do! (swallows everything)  
  
::long pause::  
  
DED: I'm...sorry you had to see that.  
  
Ruto: Well, I'm ready for HOT TUB ACTION! Right after this. HWARRRRRRAAAAGGGGGGNNNNGGGG! (expels a whole brain coral)  
  
Malon: I don't know how comfortable I am with swimming in stuff that's been processed through a friend's body, but...WHAT THE HELL! (Rips off clothes, only to find that there's just underwear beneath them) EEEK! I thought I dressed in layers today! Oh, wait. (rips off underwear to find bathing suit underneath) HA! I knew it.  
  
Mido: MY TURN! (rips off clothes, revealing business suit underneath) Huh? I don't remember this being here...(rips off clothes again, revealing pirate outfit, complete with parrot) WHAT THE FFF? (starts ripping violently through clothes, revealing a clown suit, a space suit, an old- fashioned diving bell outfit, seventies-era roller-disco outfit with afro wig, and hockey goalie outfit) GASP GASP GASP...WHERE...IS...IT?  
  
Saria: (holds up Mido's bathing suit) See, you didn't actually put it ON...that might have helped...  
  
Mido: YES! I, the great Mido, have singlehandedly solved the Mystery of the Phantom Swimming Trunks! Ooooooooooo! Aaaaaaaaaah!  
  
Saria: Whaaaatever. (flings Mido's trunks at his head)  
  
Gannondorf: (suddenly glowing with dark power, as "Night on Bald Mountain" plays in the background) ENOUGH! PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR THE AWESOME POWER OF...MY BATHING SUIT!  
  
Soundtrack: BAAAAAAAAAUUUM BAAAAUUUMMM, BUM BUM BUM BAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUM, BA BUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...  
  
Gannondorf: (tears off clothes) AH HAAAAAAAAaaaaa? (is wearing a corset and red-heart-covered boxer shorts)  
  
Soundtrack: (sound of record abruptly stopping)  
  
MD: Hey! There's my record player! (flips record over)  
  
Soundtrack: (plays the sound of a foghorn going "WAA-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!")  
  
Gannondorf: Well that didn't work. (shuffles off, shamed)  
  
Darunia: MY TURN! (rips off skin, revealing various muscles and organs and bones) Whoa!  
  
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
Darunia: THAT was unexpected. (Zips skin back on)  
  
Impa: And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for!  
  
Saira: (plays drum roll with bongo drums)  
  
Impa: Da, deedeedadadadada, deedeedadadadadadaDAAA, deedee dadeedeedadeedeeDAAAA, dedadeedeedadeedeedadeedeeDAAAA, dee lupetylupetylupetylupetylupetyLAAA, DEET DUPETY DUPETY DAAA, DEET DA DADADADDADADADADADADDADADADADADADADA, DAA DA DA, DA, DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (reveals the exact same bathing suit from the first chapter of WZCDWTFT. It's black. Just black.)  
  
Gannondorf: Umm. It's...umm...nice. And black. Nice and black.  
  
Impa: (teary-eyed) *sniffle* Isn't it though?  
  
Ruto: What is so great about that stupid swimsuit?  
  
Impa: (about to cry with sentimental love and nostalgia) It's not just a swimsuit...it's...a _black_ swimsuit!  
  
Mido: Whaaaaaaatever.  
  
DED: Now! For MY bathing suit! (tears off clothes to reveal Bermuda shorts with words "I don't suffer from psychotic episodes, I love every minute of 'em" printed on them)  
  
MD: And MY BATHING SUIT! (tears off clothes to reveal suit with words "Clinically insane and it feels so good" printed on it)  
  
Saria: And MY BATHING SUIT! (reveals adorable green kid's suit)  
  
Nabooru: AND MY BATHING SUIT! (reveals giant inflatable bathing suit) AND it matches my pants!  
  
Gannondorf: AND MY BATHING SUIT! FOR REAL THIS TIME! (reveals horrifying black Speedo)  
  
Everyone: GAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! MY EYES!  
  
Rauru: (waking up) HEY! YOU TOOK MY FASHION STATEMENT! (reveals own black Speedo, which is practically invisible underneath roll after roll of flab)  
  
Everyone: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!  
  
Saria: NO MORE! STOP THE HORROR! (grabs pair of red-hot knitting needles, prepares to jab through eyes)  
  
Zelda: (bursting out of room, with whipped topping all over her face like she has rabies) WAIT! It's not all bad and/or nauseating being able to see! Think of all the wonderful things that you've yet to see!  
  
Link: (bursting out of room, equally covered with Cool-Whip) LIKE...MY BATHING SUIT! (rips off clothes to reveal green Triforce trunks)  
  
All girls: WHOA!  
  
Link: YES! CHECK OUT THIS BODY! (flexes)  
  
All girls: NO! YOU'VE GOT ABOUT A FOOT OF ARMPIT HAIR!  
  
Link: Wha? Oh, yeah. (looks at giant tufts of yellow hair) Well...(takes out miniature Weed-Whacker, hacks through hair) TADAAAAAAA!  
  
Saria: Yep, that's it, I'm gouging my eyes out...(raises needles)  
  
Zelda: But you haven't seen...MY BATHING SUIT! (reveals incredibly slutty- looking thong bikini with Fredrick's of Hollywood tag on it) Gaah! Where did THIS come from?  
  
Link: (whistling nonchalantly, throwing catalogue over shoulder) Umm...it was Mido. Go kill Mido.  
  
Zelda: RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! (chases Mido around in circles)  
  
Mido: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Link: Exxxxxxhelent.  
  
Impa: But WAIT! I got myself a NEW bathing suit! CHECKKIT OWT! (tears off metal clothing to reveal metal bathing suit) Hope it doesn't rust....  
  
SK: AND MY BATHING SOOT! DOOD! LOOK! AT OOL THE OOO'S! (reveals Majora's Mask butt bathing suit.)  
  
Darunia: Well, that's everyone. IN THE TUB! WOOOOOOOO!!! (is about to cannonball)  
  
Everyone: (glares at Darunia)  
  
Darunia: (freezes in midair) Umm...oh, sorry...(starts moving in reverse) !!!OOOOOOOOW !BUT EHT NI .enoyreve s'that ,lleW (lands back where he was standing)  
  
(long pause)  
  
SK: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THAT HAPPENED, BUT I'VE JUST STOPPED CARING AT THIS POINT!  
  
(everyone gets in the hot tub!)  
  
DED: AND THE PLOT LURCHES ONWARD!  
  
Saria: Rub a dub dub! 3 men in the tub! A butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker! Then they....alldiedandeveryonewashappytheend!  
  
MD: Okay Darunia, NOW you can get in the tub...just be careful!  
  
Darunia: Okay...careful....CAREful....CAREFUL!!! (shrieking at top of lungs) CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUULLLLLLLLLLL!  
  
Everyone: SHUT UP!  
  
Darunia: Okay. I'm ready. Stay...calm...stay...frosty...(dips toe in a tiny amount)  
  
(massive explosion)  
  
SFK: KRAKATHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!  
  
(stock footage of Bikini Atoll atomic testing, Hiroshima, picture of God smiting Sodom and Gomorrah with divine fire, Hurricane Andrew anhiliating South Florida, etc.)  
  
(water goes EVERYWHERE)  
  
All: DARUNIA WHAT DID YOU DOOOOOOOOOOO?  
  
Darunia: Um.....It wasn't me.  
  
DED: Then who was it????????  
  
Darunia: Ummm...it was...swamp gas. Yes. Swamp gas.  
  
DED: What...?  
  
Darunia: Did I say swamp gas? I meant that it was weather balloon.  
  
DED: Ah screw it.  
  
MD: NOW what do we do?  
  
DED: Twister party?  
  
Link and Zelda: Erotic Twister party?  
  
Malon: No and...no.  
  
Darunia: Don't you two do that enough already?  
  
Link: Yes...  
  
Darunia: Well, too much of a good thing always leaves one wanting less I always find...  
  
Zelda: How about a very, VERY good thing?  
  
Darunia: Well...  
  
DED: (ahems) ANYWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY......  
  
Mido: Look! The sun's coming up!  
  
Saria: We made it! We're not dead! (jumps up into the air, thereby avoiding a giant axe that was about to chop her legs off at the knee)  
  
Ruto: WHOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOGWRAAGGGGGG! (hocks up a flounder)  
  
::excruciating pause::  
  
Rauru: MMMMMmmmmmMMMmmmMMM! FLOUNDER!  
  
MD: Well, now I suppose that we'll have to find some way off the island.  
  
Mysterious ceiling voice: A way off? Great idea. Perhaps you could concentrate on the project better if you took one of these gensing pills. Great for concentration... (mechanical hand comes out of ceiling, tries to shove pill into MD's mouth)  
  
MD: AH! THE HOUSE IS TRYING TO KILL ME!  
  
MCV: Or, I could cover a knife in gensing and stab you with it...would you prefer that? HUH BITCH? HUH?  
  
Impa: (beats hand with baseball bat) DIE FIEND!  
  
All: WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!  
  
DED: Umm...anyway...I believe that...  
  
Nabooru: Your heart will go on?  
  
DED: Yes, that, but also that we should get to figuring out how to escape from this deathtrap.  
  
All: HERE HERE!  
  
DED: Now the way I see it is...  
  
SUDDENLY, THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY SMASHES THROUGH THE ROOF ON HIS AUTO-GYRO!  
  
All: CEE-CEE-GEE! YOU'VE COME AGAIN!  
  
THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY PRESSES A BUTTON ON HIS AUTO-GYRO! AND IT EXPANDS INTO A HUGE 747!  
  
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! (run from the expanding 747)  
  
SFX: KKKRRRAKKKK TINKLETINKLETINKLE! (house collapses)  
  
Gannondorf: (poking his head out of the rubble) WE'RE SAVED!  
  
AND SO, THE JOYFUL THRONG BOARDS THE PLANE! WHICH THEN TAKES OFF, WITH THE C-C-G AT THE HELM!  
  
Okay, it's a deux-ex, I know. It's late. I'm tired.  
  
ANYHOO!  
  
Malon: (looking back on the island) Goodbye, island!  
  
Rauru: SO LONG, ISLAND! SO LONG, HIPPOS! Sweet, delicious hippos...*sniffle*  
  
Saria: Goodbye, island that we have left thereby forfeiting our chance to get a schnizzle-load of Rupees! Wait...  
  
::pause::  
  
All: DOH!  
  
MD: Oh well. Better alive and poor than rich and dead.  
  
Malon: (banging on the door) NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO! BETTER DEAD AND RICH! LET ME OFFFFFFFFF!  
  
Everyone: (forcibly restrains Malon)  
  
*tickety tickety tickety*  
  
12:22 A.M.: WEEEEEEEEEE EAT THE JELL-O, MAH FRIEEEENDS, AND WEEEEEEEEEEEEE'LL KEEP ON EATING, 'TILL THE END, AH WE EAT THE JELL-O, WWWWEEEEEEEE EAT THE JELL-O, NO TIME FOR PUDDING CUZ WE...I MEAN, SOMEWHERE OVER THE PACIFIC OCEAN  
  
All: (Singing to the tune of "In Cars") Here on the plane, I feel safest of all, Cuz the cam-er-a guy, is the one who will drive, in planes!  
  
Synthesizer: WEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOO-WWEEEEOOOOWWW!  
  
Malon: Here on the plane...  
  
Rauru: I can eat airline food...  
  
Link: And the flight a-ttend-ant...  
  
Ruto: Is the cameraman dude!  
  
All: In planes!  
  
MD: (yelling over synth music) ANNNNNNNNNND THATS THE END OF THAT.  
  
(everything abruptly stops)  
  
*pause*  
  
Mido: Well.  
  
Impa: Hey look! We're over land again!  
  
All: HURRAY! WE'RE GONNA LIVE!  
  
DED: But I have just one question. Who is the Creepy Cameraman Guy?  
  
MD: And why did he help us?  
  
SUDDENLY! THE C-C-G BURSTS OUT OF THE CABIN! AND LAUGHS MANIACALLY!  
  
Soundtrack: *evil theme music*  
  
DED: WAIT!  
  
Everyone: OKAY!  
  
DED: The Creepy Camera Guy is, as it always has been.....................(rips off CCG's mask)  
  
All: GHASP! IT CAN'T BE!  
  
Before anyone gets a good look at the true nature of the CCG, THE LIGHTS GO OUT! SUDDENLY!  
  
Mysterious voice: To protect the world from order and reason!  
  
Other mysterious voice: To provide insanity for every season!  
  
Mysterious voice: To annoy our captives every chance we find!  
  
Other mysterious voice: To infect with madness your very mind!  
  
WG: (suddenly appearing in spotlight) Windmill Guy!  
  
FG: (suddenly appearing in spotlight) Fishing Guy!  
  
WG: TEAM FISH-MILL, BLAST OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT!  
  
FG: SURRENDER YOUR SANITY, CUZ REALITY BITES!  
  
Gryorg: (falling out from an overhead storage compartment) Gryorg! Indubidably!  
  
Fierce Deity Link: (wandering out of lavatory, zipping up fly) Howdy! Did I miss something?  
  
All: IT'S WINDMILL GUY AND FISHING GUY!  
  
WG: Yes, we sort of covered that already.  
  
FG: ARRR! AND NOW YE'LL BE WALKIN' THE PLANK!  
  
Gryorg: Indubitably!  
  
DED: But why were you helping us, as the Creepy Etcetera?  
  
FG: ARRRRRR! RATINGS, YE SCURVY DOG!  
  
WG: Sure, we could have killed you in five minutes! But that wouldn't have drawn millions of viewers, would it? WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
FG: YE BE THE HIGHEST-RATIN' SHOW ON TV! MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
All: WHAT?!?  
  
Zelda: Hey! You specifically said that there WOULDN'T be hidden TV cameras watching us!  
  
DED: Err...umm...I am not a crook?  
  
Zelda: Look! I'll prove it! (grabs Dave's laptop, opens file called "rwars19.doc" and finds part of it) See? Right here! AND I QUOTE! "MD: Uhh...let's keep this our little secret, 'k? DED: Deal! MD: *to Zelda characters* Guess what everyone! DED: We're on the show! MD: And it'll be totally safe! DED: And no hidden cameras everywhere! MD: And its all gonna be fun! DED: And TV Guide isn't out of "Hots!" MD: *smack* DED Owie..."  
  
DED: Well...ummm...  
  
MD: WE HONESTLY THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER FIND OUT!  
  
Link: So... TV Guide IS out of "Hots?" *sob* I TRUSTED YOU! I THOUGHT THAT MEANT SOMETHING! I GAVE THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE TO YOU!  
  
Zelda: *engrossed in contents of Dave's laptop* The HELL? There's all KINDS of crazy crap in here! (starts reading previous chapters)  
  
FG: KNOCK THAT OFF! WE BE TRYIN' TE THREATEN YE! (smacks laptop away) SO NOW WE'LL BE A-KILLIN' YE FOR YOU! No, wait, I mean WE'LL BE A-KILLIN' YE FOR US! No, WE'LL BE...A-KILLIN'...YE...FOR...WE? ANYWAY! YE'RE NO USE TO US NOW, YE LUBBERS! WHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ARRRRR!  
  
WG: Okay, now, even I'M annoyed by the pirate accent.  
  
FG: (now speaking with a thick Liverpool accent) Oh all right...anyway, time to die, chaps!  
  
WG: WOW! IT'S RINGO STARR ALL OF A SUDDEN! Nice try. Knock it off.  
  
FG: (speaking with an Irish accent) O aye! Shell we be a'killin'em now sir?  
  
WG: OH JUST SPEAK NORMALLY!  
  
FG: (speaking with southern accent) Whalp, I rek'n 'tis time te take yew out!  
  
WG: NORMAL!  
  
FG: Whalsir, this is norma. Yew jez doan' know't nohaow...  
  
WG: Ahh screw it, just go back to the pirate accent.  
  
FG: (suddenly back in pirate accent) SHIVER ME TIMBERS ME HARTIES! YO HO YO HO! (whips out accordion, starts dancing a jig while playing) WHAT DO YA DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR WHAT DO YA DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR WHAT DO YA DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR EARLYE IN THA MOR'NIN!  
  
WG: JUST THE ACCENT!  
  
FG: No, I'm serious, what DO ya do with a drunken sailor earlye in tha mor'nin?  
  
WG: Umm...shove him overboard? Take an embarassing snapshot?  
  
Gryorg: I believe the next verse says that you "put him in the brig with food and water," old chum.  
  
FG: ARRR! But why would you waste perfectly good food and water to feed a drunk guy?  
  
WG: Well, if you just killed him, he couldn't help anymore, could he?  
  
Dark Link: Maybe they meant you should put him in the brig with food and water AFTER he's not drunk. Like, as a punishment.  
  
FG: Well it wouldn't be much of a punishment if he had food and water!  
  
Dark Link: Look, I don't know, I'm just saying...  
  
MEANWHILE, THE GANG HAS GONE TO THE CARGO HOLD AND GOTTEN ALL THEIR STUFF!  
  
DED: SHUT UP!  
  
WG: What?  
  
DED: We're sending you packing!  
  
Everyone: (steps forward)  
  
Link: (brandishing his pink bunny slippers) TASTE MY FUZZY FURY!  
  
Zelda: (whipping out her fan) Hey! I'm like Peach in Super Mario RPG where she hits people with a fan!  
  
SK: (wielding strobe light as impromtu mace) DISCO INFERNO!  
  
Malon: (slipping on her brass knuckles) I'll make ya an offer ya can't refuse!  
  
Impa: (holding her whistle as a garotte wire) I'M GONNA GARROTE YOU GOOD!  
  
Nabooru: (holding up fan of cards with Canadian maple leaf on the back) Double or nothing, eh?  
  
Rauru: (holding up his spork, with wind blowing around him) I HAVE THE POWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR! (lightning strikes the tip of the spork, transforming Rauru into He-Man, with Rauru's beard, spork grows to the size of a bastard sword)  
  
Saria: (spinning twine ball around) PREPARE TO BE ENSNARED!  
  
Mido: (whirling his yo-yo around) IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN!  
  
Ruto: (cocking her water gun) LETS GET WET!  
  
Darunia: (hefting new rock bicycle) VERSION 2.0, BETTER THAN EVER!  
  
Gannondorf: (plugging in dehumidifier) SEE YOU IN HELL, HUMIDITY!  
  
DED and MD: (jumping into the air, hi-fiveing, landing) AUTHORS UNITE! (glow with magic power)  
  
FG: So! It's a battle ye want, eh? SO BE IT!  
  
WG: TASTE INSANITY'S POWER!  
  
Gryorg: Indubitably!  
  
FDL: Umm...OTHER WORDS TO THAT EFFECT!  
  
*screen distorts, peppy Pokemon-battle music plays, screen comes back into focus*  
  
Soundtrack: DUN DUN DUN DUHDUH DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DEEEE DEEEEEE, DADADADADA DEEEEEEEDUNDUNDUN...  
  
EVERYONE'S JUST STANDING AROUND, RPG-STYLE!!!!  
  
Link: Should would be doing something?  
  
DED: (whispers) It's your turn!  
  
Link: Okay...I USE...MAGIC BUNNY SLIPPERS STRIKE!!! *jumps up in the air, throws bunny slippers like shirukens) YAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!  
  
(Bunny slippers hit Gyrorg in the head)  
  
Gryorg: Okay.....what was that?  
  
Link: *cheerfuly* The Magic Bunny Slippers Strike! *gives thumbs up*  
  
DED: CLEARLY, you've never played an RPG.  
  
Rauru: STAND ASIDE! (holding spork aloft, eyes closed contemplatively) Oh masters of the spork, I CALL UPON YOU! SPORK, DON'T FAIL ME NOW! SWARM OF SPORKS! (big spork splinters into dozens of smallish sporks, which fly at WG)  
  
WG: (getting poked by plastic sporks) Ow. Ow. Ow. OW! CUT THAT OUT! OW!  
  
Rauru: HE IS WEAKENED!  
  
Ruto: Take this! (sprays water at Gryorg)  
  
Gryorg: Okay. I'm...wet now. I LIVE IN WATER YOU FOOL!  
  
Ruto: A LIKELY story...  
  
Mido: (spinning yo-yo above head) I will defeat you! And then all will love me! THEY'LL HAVE TO LOVE ME! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!  
  
Link: That is truly pathetic.  
  
Mido: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!!! (throws yo-yo)  
  
FG: (gets hit in the head with yo-yo)  
  
SFX: BONK!  
  
FG: OOOOOOOOOOWWWW!! That really REALLY hurt! What is the matter with you?! That's a hard, plastic yo-yo! (turns to WG) Who weilds a yo-yo? For crying out loud! (grabs yo-yo) Give me that!  
  
Mido: (being pulled along by finger still attached to yo-yo) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!  
  
Link: Yeah, great, if we didn't love you before we're REALLY going to love you now.  
  
Mido: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!! IT HUUUUUUUUUURTS!!! (finger turning blue) OOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!  
  
Link: Like that's going to garner lots of affection.  
  
Impa: This group is falling apart! I KNOW!!! I'll lift everyone's spirits with a cheerful minstrel's song!  
  
MD: So what, you're a troubadour now?  
  
Impa: Noooo...  
  
MD: Do you have a musical instrument?  
  
Impa: Noooo...  
  
MD: THEN WHAT DO YOU HAVE???  
  
Impa: A whistle!! TWEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!! TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!  
  
WG: All right, enough of this crap, TIME TO DIE! Gryorg! KILL!!!  
  
Gryorg: (grows to twenty feet tall) RAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!! (eats Ganondorf)  
  
Ganondorf: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-MRRUMPHUMNPH!!!  
  
Gryorg: Now, for the rest of you.....  
  
*tickety tickety tickety*  
  
12:43 AM, INSIDE GRYORG'S STOMACH. WONDER IF THERE'S JELL-O IN HERE?  
  
Ganondorf: Egads! Never thought I'd die this way...*sob*  
  
Mysterious Voice: You do not die in here....  
  
Ganondorf: WHO'S THERE???  
  
MV: It is....  
  
Ganondorf: NOT -  
  
MV: Yes, it is I...(candle goes on) THE THIGH-SLAPPING BUG DUDE!!!  
  
Ganondorf: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!  
  
Thigh-Slapping Bug Dude: (he has a really long beard and ultra-long fingernails) I have been in here for twenty years...  
  
Ganondorf: (noticing long fingernails) Ew.  
  
Another Mysterious Voice: Oh, the gastric juices are so romantic.  
  
Yet Another Mysterious Voice: The juices are dissolving my feet.  
  
AMV: Oh, I love you so much, buttercup.  
  
YAMV: I love you too, shnookums.  
  
Ganondorf: Why, it's...(yet another candle goes on) HONEY AND DARLING!!  
  
Honey & Darling: (dancing in a puddle of gastric juices) Hello!  
  
TSBD: Yes, they too have been in here for a long time....  
  
Creepy Ghost Voice: Gaaaaaaaaaaanondoooooooooorf...  
  
Ganondorf: (sounding panicked) Okay, I'm getting THOROUGHLY creeped out now!  
  
CGV: Dooooooon't be afraaaaaaaaaaaaid...It is I.....(YET ANOTHER candle goes on)  
  
Ganondorf: OH NO! IT'S...wait a minute. I've never met you before.  
  
Poe Guy: I am the guy who buys Poes. From Link. I live just outside of Hyrule Market Town. HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF ME?  
  
Ganondorf: Uh, no.  
  
Small, childlike voice, with strange faint British accent: But you surely remember me...don't you.....?  
  
Ganondorf: AHHH! WHAT? WHO? WHERE?  
  
(What looks like Ganondorf as a ten-year-old appears. He is wearing dorky suspenders and carrying a stack of books attached to a belt, with thick glasses and curly red hair...)  
  
Ganondorf: (shrieking effeminitely) WHAT IS THAT? It almost looks like...me...  
  
Lil' Ganondorf: I am you...I'm your...inner child...  
  
Ganondorf: Wh...what are you? This can't be real!  
  
Lil' Ganondorf: Of course it's not....I'm just a hallucination brought on by the lack of air...  
  
TSBD: THAT'S your inner child? WHAT A DORK!  
  
Ganondorf: (desperately angry) NO! NO! THE DORKY ME IS DEAD! I WAS NEVER THAT DORKY!  
  
Lil' Ganondorf: But...you were...don't you remember?...  
  
Ganondorf: NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Flashback sound: Doodely doodely doodely...  
  
*FLASHBACK*  
  
(Ganondorf as a young child. He is wearing dorky suspenders and carrying a stack of books attached to a belt, with thick glasses and curly red hair)  
  
Ganondorf: (merrily skipping to school) La la la la la la! I had four apples. Then I ate one. Now I only have three!  
  
Gerudo #1: Hey, GanonDORK, get a life!  
  
Ganondorf: Why are you so mean?  
  
Gerudo #2: (shoves Ganondorf) Cause you're so stupid!  
  
Ganondorf: Stop it! I'll tell my dad!  
  
Gerudo: #3: You don't have a dad!  
  
Ganondorf: Gasp! You're right! (starts crying) Waaaaaaaaaaaah!  
  
All the Gerudos: (point and laugh) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
*END FLASHBACK*  
  
Ganondorf: Noooooooooo!! The horrible memories! Why are you doing this!?  
  
Lil' Ganondorf: You must help...save these people...save us...  
  
Ganondorf: I...I...I don't know if I can do it!  
  
Lil' Ganondorf: But...you must...  
  
Ganondorf: I CAN'T DO IT!!!  
  
Lil' Ganondorf: (suddenly very angry) Hey, look pal, you're gonna save us and YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT!  
  
Ganondorf: Okay, okay...sheesh! (suddenly dramatic) I'll do it! I'll save you all! All you thigh-slapping, circuitously-dancing, figment of imagination-ing freaks! YOU DESERVE TO LIVE!!! But how....HOW? Wait! That's it! I KNOW JUST WAHT TO DO!  
  
*tickety tickety tickety*  
  
12:50 AM FLYING THE JELLO-Y SKIES. I MEAN, BACK ON THE AIRPLANE, OUTSIDE OF GRYORG'S STOMACH  
  
Impa: Oh no! GANONDORF JUST GOT EATEN!!  
  
Link: (sarcastically) Oh no. I'm so sad. Boo hoo.  
  
Nabooru: I have mixed feeling about this. I feel pity for him, but I also feel.joy. Mostly joy.  
  
Gryorg: NOW I WILL EAT ALL..of.you?  
  
DED: Huh?  
  
Gryorg: I don't feel so good.  
  
WG: WHAT? GO! EAT! KILL! CRUSH!  
  
Gryorg: Feeling.kinda.DRY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IT'S MY ONLY WEAKNESS.  
  
All: NO! NOT THE.  
  
Gryorg: YES! THE.(starts shriveling up)  
  
Ganondorf: (triumphantly stepping out of Gryorg's mouth, with the dehumidifier) .DEHUMIDIFIER!  
  
SFX: (triumphant music)  
  
Ganondorf: I TOLD YOU WE'D NEED IT!  
  
Malon: Well.umm.maybe.  
  
FG: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ME CATCH OF THE DAY! (runs over to Gryorg, who looks like a sardine by now) WHY? WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY?  
  
WG: KNOCK IT OFF! One down.but they're still no match! FEEL THE MADNESS! (starts playing Song of Storms)  
  
SFX: Doo doo DEEE! Doo doo DEE! DOO-DEE-DOO-DEE-DOODOODOO!  
  
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! (clutch heads)  
  
Link: (yelling to be heard over music) Icy. clutch. of. madness. gripping. me. taking. over. mind.  
  
Zelda: With. you. that's. not. much. of. an. accomplishment.  
  
Saria: So. hard. to. think. or. speak. with. articles.  
  
(Lightning strikes)  
  
SFX: CREEEKOW!!  
  
FG: You idiot! Don't start a storm! WE'RE IN A PLANE!  
  
(plane starts to rock back and forth)  
  
All: AAAAAAAAAAAHHH! (Everyone falls over, except for Rauru, who's been wedged between the seats)  
  
Rauru: Flab, don't fail me now!  
  
(The plane goes into a tailspin)  
  
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WE'RE GONNA DIE! AGAIN!  
  
WG: Oops.  
  
FDL: DO SOMETHING!  
  
WG: (wets himself)  
  
FDL: SOMETHING BETTER!  
  
FG: (Putting Gryorg, now a tiny little fish, into a bottle) We'll be back, ye scurvy dogs! Back! BACK I SAY! (opens door, prepares to jump out of plane) AND WE'LL HAUNT YOUR LIVES FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND (plane hits the ground)  
  
SFX: (huge explosion) BABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(fade to black)  
  
*tickety tickety tickety*  
  
9:00 AM, LOCATION UNKNOWN  
  
SFX: (music from the Sacred Realm plays)  
  
Link: (groggily) .are we dead? (gets up and looks around) We're all on a beach. Must've washed up on shore. Is this the mainland? (goes over Zelda's unconscious form) Hey, wake up! We made it back to the mainland!  
  
Zelda: Eeeeeergh.are we dead?  
  
Link: I already asked that, and no one seemed to answer.so I'm guessing no.  
  
Zelda: (gets up) Well, we made it! Looks like we're all here! There's Impa, Saria, Ganondorf, Mido.hey, where's Rauru? And DED? And MD? And Darunia?  
  
Link: (sadly) I guess they didn't make it.  
  
Zelda: Wait...what about.the guy who's writing what time it is, and where we are?  
  
*tickety tickety tickety* 9:01 AM: YES? I'M STILL HERE.AND I STILL LOVE JELL-O!  
  
Zelda: DAMMIT! I mean, hurray.  
  
Saria: Wait! There's Darunia!  
  
Darunia: (walking out of the sea) WHAT? WHERE? Oh, _here_ I am!  
  
Ganondorf: But where are the authors? And the Butterball-brand turkey? I mean the venerable sage?  
  
Impa: Yeah! We can't have a story without authors! _Or_ turkeys!  
  
Nabooru: So.they must be around here somewhere.  
  
Link: (looking out over the horizon) WHOA! WHAT IS THAT?  
  
Zelda: It looks like a giant whale! No wait! Worse! It's.  
  
All: RAURU!  
  
Rauru (faintly from the distance): Mmmmm! Krill!  
  
Malon: No, maybe it is a whale. Zelda: Maybe.it's both.  
  
DED: (calling from somewhere) AHOY!  
  
MD: (calling from somewhere) AVAST!  
  
Link: WHERE ARE YOU?  
  
DED: WE'RE ON RAURU!  
  
Rauru: You ARE? I didn't notice. (Rauru washes up on shore)  
  
Ruto: Oh! That's right! Rauru is amazingly buoyant!  
  
Rauru: Hey! In case of emergency, _I_ can be used as a flotation device! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I crack myself up.  
  
DED: (jumping joyfully off Rauru's gut) AH! Solid ground!  
  
MD: (bouncing off, like a trampoline) Instead of squishy belly.  
  
Rauru: Hey! I saved your lives!  
  
Mido: How long were you guys afloat on Rauru?  
  
DED: Hours.days.weeks.I don't know.I just.don't know anymore.  
  
MD: The stench of Rauru's armpits kept us awake every night.SEE? (points to bloodshot eyes)  
  
Rauru: A couple sharks tried to eat me.but one of them got a blocked artery after biting me, the rest backed off.  
  
Darunia: Trying to watch their cholesterol, I guess.  
  
SK: SO WHERE ARE WE?  
  
DED: I don't know.I think we're on the mainland.  
  
MD: Wherever we are, I'm just glad we're off that horrid island.for.ever.(gaze turns to the ruins of the very house they had just left)  
  
::long, long pause::  
  
All: DOH!  
  
SUDDENLY!  
  
(the Great Fairy's song starts playing)  
  
Link: Huh?  
  
Navi: (flying down from the heavens) HIYA!  
  
All: WHAT..THE CRAP.  
  
Navi: Dave! Come foreward!  
  
DED: What do you want, o annoying one?  
  
Navi: First of all.DROP THAT BOTTLE!  
  
DED: (with empty bottle behind back) Shoot! I though I had you this time! (flings bottle away)  
  
Navi: Dave! You could have gone home any time you wanted to! Just slap two ping-pong paddles with steaks attached to them three times, and repeat, "There's no place like home!"  
  
DED: HEY! COOL! Okay, let me try.(MD hands him two meat-slammers) Right! (starts hitting meat together) There's no place like.  
  
Rauru: (eats the meat)  
  
ALL: RAURU!  
  
Rauru: Mmmmmm.uncooked angus.  
  
DED: Okay.let me try AGAIN! (gets more meat, starts slamming) "There's no place like hone." No wait, "There's more place like home." Hold it. "There's no place like Taco Bell."  
  
Rauru: DAMN STRAIGHT!  
  
DED: SHUT UP! "There's plenty of places like home." No, it was, "There's.um.no place like.gnomes?"  
  
All: "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME! HOME!"  
  
DED: Okay! I remember now! "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!"  
  
DOODELYDOODELYDOODELYDEEEE! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(everyone wakes up in a big-ass bed in Hyrule Castle)  
  
MD: IT WORKED!  
  
Zelda: WE'RE HOME!  
  
Ruto: HUZZAH!  
  
Ganondorf: YIPPIE!  
  
SK: HAL-AY-LOO-YUH!  
  
Mido: Wait! Why.are we all in one giant bed?  
  
::pause::  
  
Everyone: SHUT UP!  
  
DED: Oooohhh.I've been to a magical place.(starts pointing to people) And you were there.and you were there.and you.  
  
Zelda: Of course we were there! You were there! We were stuck on an island! Contest.evil maniacs.  
  
DED: Oh yeah. Whatever happened to them?  
  
MD: Well, like in every action movie there is, they NEVER EVER show the charred, mangled bodies of the villains, but we can ASSUME, barring the possibility of a sequel, that they're gone forever.  
  
::pause::  
  
Impa: So.  
  
Malon: What should we do now?  
  
Link: I dunno.wanna watch T.V.?  
  
Everyone: (general agreement) (everyone shuffles off to the giant couch)  
  
AND SO, IT HAS COME FULL CIRCLE. AND AS THEY DID MONTHS AGO, AND AS THEY DID WHEN A YOUNG GAL NAMED MISTY DECIDED SHE WAS BORED AND MADE THEM EXIST, AND AS THEY WILL DO, NOW AND FOREVER.  
  
Everyone's sitting around.  
  
THE END 


	26. Part TwentySix: Murder Mystery of DOOM!

AIRWZAC  
  
Part 20-MOTHER-GRABBING-7! CAN YA BELIEVE IT? Anyway, The Wacky Zelda Bunch Holds a Murder Mystery Dinner Party of Raw Chaos!  
  
(everyone's sitting around...at a giant dining table in Hyrule Castle, dressed in their finest clothes)  
  
DED: (wearing a formal tuxedo, with black top hat, holding rose) Good ehheevning. Let me be the first to welcome you all to this dinner party hosted by the Princess of Hyrule, Zelda, and the Princess of Hyrule's Non- existent Intercourse Buddy, Link.  
  
Zelda: (does palmy supermodel wave)  
  
Link: (wearing Mr. Green from Clue-esque green tuxedo) (smiles and waves like a 5-year-old at his birthday party)  
  
DED: However, I'm afraid that the true purpose of tonight's get-together was not, exclusively, to gorge on shrimp cocktails.  
  
Rauru: (in his nice, non-mustard-stained robes, with lovely velvet gorging bib on, speaking around great bulging mouthful of shrimp) ITH NOWT? CWRAP!  
  
DED: Yes. In reality, tonight...(tries to gesture with rose, pokes finger) OW! STUPID ROSE! WHAT'S THE POINT OF IT ANYWAY?  
  
MD (wearing top half of prom dress on top, and skorts on the bottom): You look like that dude from "Sailor Moon," but...that's about it.  
  
DED: Anyhoo. Tonight, we have 14 guests at Hyrule Castle. One of them has murdered...The Running Man. (holds up a crime scene photo of chalk outline of person with bunny ears, bloodstains)  
  
Link: Wait. Why do I care about the Running Man?  
  
Zelda: Why does anyone?  
  
DED: Umm, you don't. But that's all the more reason to...umm...God damn you.  
  
MD: Let me take it from here. Anyway, someone has COMMITTED MURDER, and that's all that we need to know.  
  
Malon: (in formal overalls) Never mind that the victim is an obnoxious prick who always beats you in races eventually and is crazy as a loon besides...  
  
MD: Knock it off will ya?  
  
Darunia: (body encrusted with precious gems) She has a point, you know.  
  
Ganondorf: (in tux) I mean, we need some motiVATION here.  
  
Mido: (in mini-tux) Yeah! I mean, I was going to kill him sooner or later anyway!  
  
All: (pause, look at Mido)  
  
Mido: Did I say kill? I meant hug. And kiss. Hug and kiss.  
  
Saria (in frilly flower-girl gown): Well, here's one point I agree with Mido on. He will hug and kiss other men, sooner or later.  
  
Mido: SHUT UP SARIA! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU! (lashes out at Saria violently with butter knife)  
  
Ruto: (in gown-like bathing suit) Um, so what do we do about it?  
  
DED: The murderer will be trying to kill each of you, one by one. If we all die, the murderer has won. But if we stop the murderer before then, we win. So you must find and capture...the murderer.  
  
MD: What's with all...the dramatic pauses.  
  
DED: Umm. No good...reason.  
  
MD: Wait a second. (scrolls up) Might I ask why in the nine circles of Hell am I wearing SKORTS?  
  
SK: (wearing a bad Halloween costume) UMM...BEATS ME...  
  
DED: 'Cause skorts are sexy?  
  
MD: WHAT?  
  
Ganondorf: They're like a miniskirt, but if you peek underneath, it's not underwear, but...shorts! So you're not a perv!  
  
Link: (already looking up MD's skort) Well, that's a plus.  
  
MD: STOP IT!  
  
Impa (wearing full plate mail armor to accompany metal bra): Wait, who says she's WEARING underwear?  
  
MD: Umm, ME?  
  
Nabooru: (in formal parachute pants and fancy tank-top) Anyway, I believe someone got MURDERED.  
  
DED: Right. One of us is the murderer. You must stop that person before everyone dies. But there's no way to be sure, if you capture someone, that he or she is the real murderer. So we'll just have to wait and see.  
  
Mido: Well, one thing's for sure. I'm not the murderer.  
  
Link: You realize that, by saying that, everyone will assume you ARE the murderer. Right?  
  
Mido: Yes.  
  
Link: Okay then.  
  
DED: Well, enjoy your...meal.  
  
All: STOP THE PAUSING!  
  
DED: Huh? Oh, that. Okay.  
  
Rauru: MURDER OR NO, LET ME AT THOSE COCKTAIL WEENIES!  
  
Everyone: COCKTAIL WEENIES?!? WHERE?  
  
(everyone dives onto the table)  
  
Mido: GET OUTTA MY WAY! I MUST HAVE THOSE COCKTAIL WEENIES! I'D KILL FOR SOME COCKTAIL WEENIES!  
  
Zelda: WHAT?  
  
Mido: AND I'D MURDER SOMEONE FOR SOME OF THOSE LITTLE JELL-O THINGS IN LITTLE CUPS!  
  
Zelda: WHAT?  
  
SEVERAL HOURS LATER, AS THE COCKTAIL-WEENIE-INDUCED MELEE DIES DOWN...  
  
Rauru: (entire head covered in cocktail weenie sauce) Mmmm. Good cocktail weenies. (wipes face with tablecloth) OH NO! NOW THIS GOOD COCKTAIL WEENIE SAUCE IS GOING TO WASTE! (slurps up entire tablecloth like spaghetti, leaving all the dishes exactly where they were)  
  
Everyone: (claps)  
  
Mido: Now, I propose we go out and try to catch me. I mean catch the murderer.  
  
Impa: Yeah. What say we split up and search the house?  
  
DED: Why? We already know that the murderer is...one of us.  
  
All: I SAID STOP WITH THE PAUSES!  
  
DED: Oh. That's right. So you did. Collectively, in fact.  
  
Rauru: Well, I'LL start by checking the fridge. CATCH YA LATER! (charges off into the kitchen, locks door)  
  
(pause)  
  
Saria: Well, there's ONE person accounted for...  
  
Zelda: Okay. I'm going to search for clues in my bedroom.  
  
Link: I believe I'll also search for clues in Zelda's bedroom.  
  
Zelda: Better yet, how about you search for clues under my dress, while I'll search for clues on the ceiling while shrieking your name.  
  
Link: SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN! (runs off with Zelda before anyone can object)  
  
(pause)  
  
DED: Ummm, okay.  
  
Darunia: I'M GOING INSANE WITH TERROR! I'M GOING TO HIDE IN THE TOILET! (flees screaming)  
  
(pause)  
  
DED: NOW WHO'S DOING ALL THE PAUSING? HUH? HUH?  
  
All: US AS A GROUP!  
  
DED: Good. As long as you're aware of that.  
  
Impa: So anyway, we need to figure out who's the murderer.  
  
Nabooru: How do we do that?  
  
Malon: We need to figure out some way to (turns to MD) DID YOU DO IT?  
  
MD: NO!  
  
Malon: Oh. Okay. But anyway, we need a reliable way to DID YOU DO IT?  
  
MD: NO!  
  
Malon: So what we need to do is for everyone to split up into several groups because DID YOU DO IT?  
  
MD: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT TO ACCOMPLISH BY DOING THAT?  
  
Malon: Well, clearly I hope to I REALLY DON'T KNOW!  
  
MD: Then SHUT THA FCKU UP!  
  
Malon: Oooh! Cool euphemism!  
  
MD: FCKU YOU!  
  
DED: MURDER!  
  
Malon: Oh, right.  
  
DED: What we have to do is to split up into groups. That way if the murderer is in one of the groups, then they can subdue Mido.  
  
Mido: Yeah. Subdue me.  
  
DED: I mean the MURDERER!  
  
Mido: Yeah! Not me!  
  
Ruto: Won't it be better if we all stayed together?  
  
Saria: Well, if we did that, he won't attack, and we'll never catch him.  
  
Ganondorf: Why is it always a he?  
  
Mido: Umm...beeeecause...I didn't do it?  
  
DED: Oooooooooof course you didn't. We must split into groups of four. That way if one is the murderer and decides to strike, then there'll be three more to stop him. Or her. But probably him. A man. Like Mido, for instance.  
  
Mido: Yeah! Like me!  
  
Saria: Well, using "man" in the broadest sense of the word.  
  
Mido: I'LL KILL YOU, BITCH! (shatters wine bottle, rushes Saria)  
  
DED: (picking up Mido by the head as he flails his too-short limbs) Now now, no need to murder anyone. Then you'd be a murderer.  
  
Mido: I would indeed.  
  
Ruto: Should we divide up?  
  
Nabooru: Sure. I want to go with Impa.  
  
DED: Why?  
  
Impa: We be down, yo!  
  
Nabooru: Us wack bitchiz gotta keep it reaa!  
  
DED: You confuse me greatly.  
  
Saria: Can I come?  
  
Impa: Word.  
  
Ruto: We still need one more person.  
  
Ganondorf: OOOH! PICK ME!  
  
Nabooru: Dude. You're an asshole. I dedicated my life to undermining everything you stand for.  
  
Impa: Me too, actually.  
  
Saria: You filled MY home with monsters.  
  
(pause)  
  
Ganondorf: So yes, then.  
  
Nabooru: Ruto. Get over here.  
  
Ganondorf: I'M ALWAYS PICKED LAST!  
  
MD: Maybe you ought to staple your ears back to your head.  
  
Ganondorf: WHAT? THEY STILL LOOK LIKE THAT? THE DOCTOR SAID NO ONE WOULD RECOGNIZE ME! (breaks down sobbing)  
  
DED: Yeah. So who's left.  
  
SK: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I'M LEFT I'M LEFT I'M LEFT I'M LEFT I'M LEFT!  
  
DED: MUST you do that?  
  
SK: I HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING IN A WHILE.  
  
MD: You go with Ganondorf, Malon, and Mido.  
  
Mido: YES! YES AH HA HA HA HA HA! COME WITH ME! COME WITH ME TO HELL!  
  
Ruto: What about The Hornballs, The Butterball, and the...ummm...Darunia?  
  
DED: Oh yeah. HEY! RAURU! GET OUT HERE!  
  
Rauru: (smashing down door) HEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S RAURU!  
  
DED: Thank you for that. Thank you dearly.  
  
Darunia: (from bathroom) Is it safe to come out?  
  
DED: No.  
  
Darunia: Can I stay in here?  
  
DED: No.  
  
Darunia: Are you sure?  
  
DED: Yes.  
  
Darunia: ...  
  
DED: ...  
  
Darunia: Are you really sure?  
  
DED: Yes.  
  
Darunia: Okay...  
  
Zelda: (from locked room) LINK! LINK! LINK! LINK!  
  
DED: Oh GOD. Darunia, go in there.  
  
Darunia: WHAT? And look at THEM doing THAT?  
  
DED: Yes indeed.  
  
Darunia: NO! MY VIRGIN EYES MUST NOT BE SOILED SO SOON!  
  
Ruto: May I remind you that you have a son? So your virgin eyes must have been soiled at SOME point? Unless of course she had to resort to brownbagging it...  
  
Darunia: OH YEAAAAAAH! Okay then, my eyes are total whores! But I STILL don't want to look at it.  
  
DED: Honestly! What right-minded person WOULDN'T want to see two people having sex?  
  
(significant pause)  
  
DED: DON'T ANSWER THAT!  
  
MD: I'm going to smack you upside the head now. smack  
  
DED: Ow. Duly noted.  
  
Darunia: Someone else go!  
  
DED: Okay. Saria! Cling to Darunia's head!  
  
Saria: WOOTNESS! WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER ASKING?  
  
DED: (smacks face)  
  
MD: DAAAAAVE! Now you're going to expose SARIA! That's INHUMAN!  
  
DED: Oookay, SKULL KID! CLING TO SARIA'S HEAD!  
  
SK: (already clinging to Saria's head) UMM...WELL...IF YOU INSIST...  
  
DED: (smacks face again)  
  
Darunia: Umm, help? What's going on? Where's the door?  
  
DED: Oh for God's sake, screw this. (smashes down door)  
  
Saria: Screw what? What's happening?  
  
DED: What...the crap.  
  
Link: (standing fully clothed holding Zelda's dress, examining it thoroughly) What what the crap?  
  
Zelda: (wearing different dress, staring intently at ceiling) LINK! LINK! LINK! Huh. No murderers there. This isn't working.  
  
Link: Try looking face-first in your pillow while moaning in orgasmic delight.  
  
Zelda: Nah.  
  
Darunia: (off-balance, staggering into walls) What's happening? What are they doing in there? (walks into door) OW!  
  
Saria: OW!  
  
SK: OW OW! BREAK IT DOWN!  
  
DED: Silence. (whacks SK in the back of the head, which promptly flies off and shatters against the wall)  
  
SK: DAMNATION! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HEAD?  
  
DED: Umm...  
  
SK: NO! SERIOUSLY! I NEED MY HEAD! WHAT HAPPENED TO IT? IS IT SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE?  
  
Malon: Well THIS is awkward.  
  
SK :WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAPPENED TO MY HEAD?  
  
Ruto: Dave smacked it off. I think it broke.  
  
SK: GOD FRICKIN' GOD!  
  
DED: Dude, how can you blame me? Usually when you smack people upside the head the head doesn't come flying off!  
  
SK: WELL MINE DOES! AND NOW I HAVE TO FIND A NEW ONE!  
  
DED: How do you expect to do THAT?  
  
SK: WHAT? YOU HAVE HEADS LYING AROUND, RIGHT?  
  
DED: No. Go visit Jeffery Dahmer.  
  
SK: WHO IS HE? A USED-HEAD DEALER?  
  
DED: In a way...  
  
Ruto: Can we focus?  
  
DED: Right. Hey! ELL EN ZEE!  
  
Link and Zelda: DOUBLE-YOU AYCH AY TEE IS IT?  
  
DED: YOU HAVE TO SEE OH EM EE OUT HERE SO YOU CAN AYCH EYE DEE EE IN A SEE ELL OH ESS EE TEE AND AVOID BEING BEE AR YOU TEE AY ELL ELL WHY EMM YOU ARR DEE EEE ARR EE DEE!  
  
Link: Wait, could you repeat that?  
  
DED: ENN OH!  
  
Link: DOUBLE-YOU TEE EFFF?  
  
Impa: STOP PHOENETICALLY SPELLING LETTERS!  
  
DED: EN EEE VEE EEE...  
  
Impa: (tackles DED)  
  
DED: OH DOUBLE-YOU!  
  
Nabooru: It had to be done.  
  
Saira: Is it okay to look? And what happened to Skull Kid that he's so angry about?  
  
Darunia: (falls over) AAAAAAH! WHUMP OW! Having several people attached to you head SUCKS BALLS, man!  
  
MD: Darunia! Watch your mouth!  
  
SK (speaking totally without pause): HOW CAN SOMEBODY WATCH THEIR MOUTH I MEAN THAT'S LIKE TELLING SOMEONE TO BITE THEIR TEETH OR STARE AT THEIR EYEBALLS BECAUSE YOUR MOUTH IS LOCATED IN SUCH A WAY THAT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO WATCH AND I THINK I TOUCHED ON THE SUBJECT OF WATCHING PARTS OF YOUR FACE AND/OR HEAD IN A PREVIOUS CHAPTER SO IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE SUBJECT OF MY OPINIONS ON THE NATURE OF FACIAL-FEATURE WATCHING YOU SHOULD CONSULT THE CHAPTER IN WHICH I MADE REMARKS RELEVANT TO THAT TOPIC BUT UNFORTUNATELY I CAN'T WATCH MUCH OF ANYTHING BECAUSE MY HEAD IS GONE AND I CAN'T FIND IT!  
  
DED: Impressive.  
  
Ganondorf: Has anyone but me wondered why he's able to talk without a head?  
  
(long, expectant pause)  
  
Malon: No.  
  
(another long pause)  
  
Nabooru: So we should probably think a bit about where we should all hide.  
  
Rauru: (already back in the kitchen, practically stuffed inside the fridge) Hiding? From what again? Hey! Zelda has some of that superdelicious chicken satay! It's satay-riffic!  
  
Impa: I think we know where he's going to be.  
  
Rauru: Be where? For what reason? AND THE SATAY HAS PEAS IN IT! P-I-M-PEAS!  
  
Link: Are you sure we can't keep looking in Zelda's underwear drawer?  
  
Zelda: Can I look in YOUR underwear drawer?  
  
Link: Only if you let me look in your linen closet.  
  
Zelda: How about my medicine cabinet?  
  
DED: This...is getting weird.  
  
Darunia: Can someone pry the children off my head? It's getting difficult to breathe.  
  
MD: Oh if you insist. (pries Saria off with a crowbar)  
  
Saira: Ow! I've been crowbarred!  
  
SK: HEY! I FOUND MY HEAD! (attaches pineapple to spine)  
  
DED: That's not...  
  
SK: WOO AND YAY! (to "We're in the Money") I'VE GOT MY HEAD BACK, I'VE GOT MY HEAD BACK, I GOT A LOT OF WHAT IT TAKES TO HAVE A HEAD!  
  
DED: What...ever.  
  
SK: WHAT? THIS IS MY HEAD, RIGHT?  
  
Malon: Can you not tell your own head from an inanimate object?  
  
SK: OF COURSE I CAN! AND THIS HERE IS MY HEAD! PLAIN AND SIMPLE!  
  
Malon: Oooohhhhhkay then, that is indeed your head.  
  
Mido: Can we get on with it please? My fingers itch for a weapon. I mean...my fingers itch for a weapon.  
  
Ganondorf: What was that?  
  
Mido: I mean, my thirst for blood cannot be sated. NO WAIT! What I REALLY mean to say is...(thinks)...I want to feast on your organs?  
  
Ganondorf: And I want a glow-in-the-dark nipple ring, but you don't hear ME crying about it.  
  
Zelda: Yeah I do. Every night in the Sacred Realm.  
  
Ganondorf: ...that...maaaaaaaaay be true, but nonetheless you can't feast on anyone's organs. Yet.  
  
Mido: But I could in the future.  
  
Ganondorf: Yes.  
  
Mido: If I murdered and disemboweled someone.  
  
Ganondorf: Yes.  
  
Mido: Someone like you.  
  
Ganondorf: Yes.  
  
Mido: (pauses) ...can I murder and disembowel you?  
  
Ganondorf: No.  
  
Mido: A thousand curses.  
  
Rauru: ZELDA, ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THESE CORN DOGS?  
  
Zelda: THOSE AREN'T CORN DOGS!  
  
Rauru: (attempting to speak around bulging mouthful of corn dogs) AYRE OTT?  
  
Zelda: NO!  
  
Rauru: AHT ARR AY?  
  
Zelda: I DON'T KNOW, BUT THEY'VE DEVELOPPED RUDIMENTARY INTELLIGENCE!  
  
Rauru: OH AT'S AYE AY RIED OO CRAW OWWA MAH MOWH!  
  
(pause)  
  
Ruto: Eww.  
  
Rauru: AREA HINK ORE OWING? (hideous noises)  
  
Ruto: Eww.  
  
Rauru: All gone!  
  
Ruto: Eww.  
  
Impa: Stop being so disgusted.  
  
Ruto: Sorry.  
  
Rauru: So we need to pick a place to hide?  
  
DED: Yes.  
  
Rauru: I VOTE KITCHEN!  
  
Link: And the crowd is shocked to the core.  
  
Zelda: What the fuff ever.  
  
Link: Kitchen is easily defensible. It has knives we can use to keep the murderer out.  
  
Mido: Or IN...MOOWOOAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Link: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee I don't get it.  
  
Darunia: I don't care. If it keeps Rauru happy. Plus we don't have to worry about starving if we have to stay in there for weeks and weeks with the doors barricaded.  
  
Zelda: How about going to the bathroom?  
  
Darunia: Do you have liter-soda bottles?  
  
Zelda: Touché.  
  
Link: Do we want liter bottles of urine sitting around?  
  
Zelda: Touché.  
  
Darunia: Anyway, kitchen it is then.  
  
Rauru: WOOT! THE KITCH'N IS BITCH'N!  
  
Zelda: Yes it is. Okay! Good luck with not getting killed! (slams door)  
  
DED: Well...now only we remain.  
  
Saria: Where can we stay?  
  
Impa: Fo rizzle!  
  
DED: How about...  
  
Saria: WAIT! I GOT IT! LET'S STAY IN ZELDA'S ROOM!  
  
DED: Why...  
  
Saria: SLUMBER PARTY! WHEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
DED: Well...does Zelda think it's okay?  
  
Saria: Zelda? Zelda?  
  
Zelda (from behind locked door): OH GOD, YES! YES YES YES! OOOOOOOOHHHHH YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!  
  
DED: Umm...  
  
Saria: That sounds like a yes.  
  
DED: Yeah, about that...it's not exactly what you're...  
  
Saria: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! SLUMBER PARTY SLUMBER PARTY SLUMBER PARTY SLUMBER PARTY SLUMBER PARTY!  
  
Nabooru: Umm...sure.  
  
Saria: (singing) Lets go slumberin' now, everybody's learnin' how, come on a slumber party with MEE-EEE-EEE-EEE!  
  
Ruto: Be aware that if you continue to do that, I will not be able to be held accountable for my actions.  
  
Saria: Sorry.  
  
Impa: To the little girls room! AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! (charges up the stairs)  
  
DED: Allllllrighty then.  
  
MD: And then we have the "others."  
  
SK: HEY! I'M NOT AN "OTHER!"  
  
MD: What are you then, a "nothing?"  
  
SK: NO! I'M SKULL KID!  
  
MD: ...  
  
Malon: Do I HAVETA go with them?  
  
DED: Or you could come with us.  
  
Malon: Or I could go with them...  
  
MD: That's what we thought.  
  
Ganondorf: I think we should hide in a closet.  
  
Malon: Is that solely for the purpose of being in extremely close proximity to me for a long time?  
  
Ganondorf: NO! (pause) Yes.  
  
Malon: Needless to say, I hate your guts.  
  
Mido: I hate his guts too. Murderously.  
  
SK: I GOT AN IDEAR!  
  
Malon: What bez?  
  
SK: LET'S SIT ON THE ROOF!  
  
Malon: Why...  
  
SK: THINK ABOUT IT! THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY UP, AND WE CAN MONITOR EVERYTHING EASILY!  
  
Malon: Wow, that's an uncommonly sane idea!  
  
SK: YAY! MY NEW BRAIN MUST BE WORKING!  
  
MD: Skull Kid, your new brain is yellow, pulpy, and delicious.  
  
SK: AAAAAAAH! MISTY'S THE BRAIN-EATING MURDERER!  
  
MD: No, you just have a pineapple for a head.  
  
SK: I MOST CERTAINLY...(feels head) BY GOLLY I DO! HELL'S BELLS!  
  
(long, expectant pause)  
  
SK: (whistles tunelessly)  
  
(pause)  
  
Malon: Are you going to...remedy that situation?  
  
SK: WHAT SITUATION?  
  
Malon: The fact that you have a pineapple for a head.  
  
SK: WHAT? NO...  
  
Malon: Oooookhaaaaaaay then...  
  
(pause)  
  
Ganondorf: LET'S GO TO TEH ROOF ALREADY!  
  
Mido: Yes. The roof. The perfect theatre...for death.  
  
Ganondorf: And for popcorn.  
  
Mido: Death and popcorn. Yes.  
  
Malon: Okay! Bye Dave! Bye Misty! Don't die!  
  
DED and MD: WEEE WOOOON'T!  
  
DED: Okay then. Where to?  
  
MD: I dunno.  
  
DED: How about...the closet?  
  
MD: Is that solely for the purpose of being in extremely close proximity to me for a long time?  
  
DED: NO! (pause) Yes.  
  
MD: Sigh.  
  
DED: How about the bathroom?  
  
MD: Why?  
  
DED: Do YOU feel like peeing in a liter bottle?  
  
MD: Point in case.  
  
DED: THE BATHROOM IT IS THEN!  
  
MD: Whatever.  
  
DED: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (frolics away to the bathroom)  
  
MD: Woo and yay. (shuffles away to the bathroom)  
  
AND SO, HIDING IN THE MAXIMUM-MAYHEM MURDER MANSION, OUR COWERING CHARACTERS CRINGE FROM CARNAL KILLINGS! DAMMIT, KILLINGS STARTS WITH A K!  
  
DON'T MISS OUR NEXT EXTRA-EXCITING EPISODE OF ESCOTERIC, EXISTENTIAL EGOCENTRIC EVIL AND ENERVATION!  
  
ADVENTURES IN RANDOMNESS WITH ZELDA AND COMPANY CHAPTER 28!  
  
LIGHTNING FLASHES!  
  
DUMMMMM DUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! 


	27. Part TwentySeven: More Murderous Mystery

AIRWZAC

Part 28: The Murderous Mystery Madness...umm...Montinues!

In the kitchen:

Zelda: OH GOD YESSSSSSSSS! YESSSSSSSSSSS! IT FEELS SO GOOD INSIDE ME!

Link: What?

Zelda: I JUST GOT FIFTEEN MOUNTAIN DEW BUCKS!

Link: You DID? How? Back to the ol' brothel?

Zelda: No!

Link: Saw your own arms off?

Zelda: No!

Link: Donating plasma?

Zelda: No!

Link: Robbing parking meters?

Zelda: No!

Link: Selling naked pi...

Zelda: No!

Link: Organ don...

Zelda: No!

Link: THEN HOW?

Zelda: All I did was open a bottle of crisp, refreshing lemon-lime Mountain Dew! And I earned fifteen Mountain Dew Bucks redeemable for wonderful prizes?

Link: Like what? Brothel girls?

Zelda: No!

Link: People's arms?

Zelda: No!

Link: Plasm...

Darunia: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! YOU'RE REPEATING YOURSELVES! AND YOU'VE SOLD OUT TO MOUNTAIN DEW SINCE I LAST SAW YOU!

Zelda: I most certainly did not! These bags of money came from a perfectly legitimate source!

Link: Yeah! Plus the Mountain Dew private helicopter I got here in was a gift. From a friend.

Zelda: But the only friend YOU need is Mountain Dew!

Link: Correct!

Rauru: Mountain Dew? Good idea! (opens six bottles at once, lifts over head, drinks streams of Mountain Dew)

Zelda: Rauru! You just drank all the thirst-quenching, irresistible...

Darunia: SHUT UP!

Link: Anyway, how shall we pass the time?

Zelda: I have an idea!

Darunia: Does it involve Mountain Dew?

Zelda: Yes! I mean no! I mean yes.

Link: Hey! I snuck in a dodge ball!

Darunia: What?

Zelda: You aren't suggesting we play dodge ball in a room full of expensive china and priceless furniture, are you?

Link: Yes! I mean no! I mean yes.

Zelda: Well you c...(gets hit in the face with a dodge ball, hits the floor)

Link: (dodge ball bouncing back into his hand) Choke on that, biaatch!

Darunia: Link! What in the...(gets hit with dodge ball, hits the floor)

Link: Y'ALL SUCKAS GOT SERVED!

Raruru: What ARE you doing?

Link: LESS CHAT MORE SPLAT, BUTTERBALL! (hurls dodge ball)

Rauru: (dodge ball sinks into flab, disappears) Heh heh heh...

Link: What the...

Rauru: (fires dodge ball out of flab like a cannon) CAN'T TOUCH THIS!

Link: (gets hit in the face with dodge ball, hits the floor)

Rauru: Well. That filled me with immense self-satisfaction.

ELSEWHERE:

MD: (sitting on the toilet) So what are you doing?

DED: (lying in the bathtub) I'm lying in a bathtub.

MD: I'm getting naked.

DED: (head darts up like a cobra, eyes the size of dinner plates)

MD: PERV! (whacks DED in the head with a toilet brush)

DED: Ow...

MD: You want to see me naked?

DED: Umm, duh?

MD: Really? I'm not that attractive.

DED: Yes you are.

MD: You're just saying that.

DED: I'm not! I really think you're attractive!

MD: You're so nice.

DED: Thanks.

MD: Well...I'll get naked, if it makes you happy.

DED: What?

MD: I'll get naked.

DED: No you won't.

MD: I will.

DED: You're serious? You are not shitting me?

MD: I'm ready for this.

DED: Holy living...

MD: Shhhshhhshhh. I want to make this special.

DED: (leans closer) Okay.

MD: Dave...I feel...

DED: You don't have to if you don't want to.

MD: But I do want to...I want it as much as you do.

DED: Then...

MD: (reaches for shirt buttons) Get ready...(stops abruptly, hits DED over the head with a toilet brush) PERV!

DED: OW!

MD: (giggles)

DED: (lies back down in the tub) You're insane.

MD: Why?

DED: You're toying with me. Playing hard-to-get.

MD: That's how you like it.

DED: It's not. How long are you going to keep acting like this?

MD: Until it gets boring.

DED: See, there you are again. Can you never be serious?

MD: If it proves to be more amusing than giving you irrepressible erections for fun, yes.

DED: Honestly.

MD: What's honesty got to do with anything?

DED: Stop skirting the issue!

MD: Speaking of which, why in the hell am I wearing skorts? Was that your idea?

DED: Listen, that's not the...

MD: (hits DED over the head with a toilet brush) PERV!

DED: HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT?

MD: Like I said, until it gets boring.

DED: Stop flirting with me like this.

MD: Who's flirting? I'm hitting you with a toilet brush over and over.

DED: ARRRRG!

MD: Avast ye scurvy dogs!

DED: Can you listen to me for one second?

MD: Probably.

DED: Misty. I love you.

MD: Really?

DED: Yes.

MD: You actually are in love with me?

DED: Yes.

MD: Why didn't you say anything?

DED: Why didn't YOU stop hitting me with a toilet brush?

MD: I thought that's what I was supposed to be doing.

DED: It is.

MD: What?

DED: You are supposed to be hitting me on the head with a toilet brush. You're supposed to be hitting me with a toilet brush, and I'm supposed to weep bitterly every night and wish I could tell you how I feel.

MD: I like this arrangement.

DED: You do? You really do?

MD: It hasn't gotten boring yet...

DED: Is that really how you feel?

MD: I...

DED: Is that your motto? Is that you mission statement? Do you live your life thinking "I'll keep doing whatever I'm doing because it hasn't gotten boring yet?" Is that why you're driving me insane?

MD: ...no.

DED: No?

MD: I'm hitting you on the head with a toilet brush because I love you.

DED: You love me? Why didn't you say anything?

MD: Why didn't you say anything?

DED: Why couldn't we have just said we loved each other and make that that?

MD: That's not how love works.

DED: I know.

MD: Dave, I love you.

DED: That's good to know.

MD: And you love me.

DED: Guilty as charged.

MD: So what are we going to do about it?

DED: What can we do?

MD: We can rummage through Zelda's medicine cabinet.

DED: We can make wild love in the bathtub.

MD: Or I can keep hitting you with this toilet brush, you can keep weeping bitterly every night, and we can just pretend we never told each other how much we love each other.

DED: Why?

MD: Oh, I don't know. Just brainstorming. What was your plan?

DED: Huh?

MD: What was your plan? You know, after the "I love you!" "I love you too!"

DED: Plan?

MD: What was going to happen then? The movies always end when they kiss, or say they love each other, but they never say what happens after.

DED: Its sorta assumed.

MD: If it's so obvious, tell me.

DED: What?

MD: Tell me what we're going to do now. You're going to take me to the prom? You're going to get down on one knee and propose? We live happily ever after?

DED: I don't know. I just focused on the part where we admit our love for one another.

MD: That was short-sighted.

DED: I never imagined it would happen to begin with.

MD: Why not? This happens all the time.

DED: What does?

MD: People falling in love. People reaching that moment where everything falls into place and they say they love each other.

DED: No, I mean I didn't think you and I specifically...

MD: Why? Am I that inapproachable?

DED: Yeah...

MD: I'm not. I'm just like anyone else.

DED: What's your point?

MD: My point is, I love you and you love me, so now what?

DED: You said we should just forget we love each other.

MD: I did.

DED: Why?

MD: You didn't really think through the whole rest-of-our-lives thing.

DED: I didn't.

MD: So if we just pretend none of this ever happened, and I go on hitting you with a toilet brush and you go on silently yearning, we can get back to our lives.

DED: But then all this won't have meant anything. It might even be worse.

MD: All of what?

DED: You said you loved me! I've been waiting for years to hear you say that because I wanted to say that to you!

MD: Yeah? So now we said it, and we can get back to our lives.

DED: But I expected something to change.

MD: Why? All you really wanted was to know that I felt the same way about you as you do about me.

DED: That is what I wanted to know, but...

MD: So let's just keep doing what we're doing, but remember that we love each other, and we can sleep at night.

DED: I guess.

MD: Knowing that you love someone, and that they love you, is all that matters. The rest is just flesh.

DED: Yeah. I feel so relieved. I'm so happy...

MD: And I'm happy. See, we've made each other happy, without having to see movies together or have sex or anything. Now we can just keep leading our lives.

DED: I love you.

MD: I love you.

DED: And that's all I need.

MD: Yup.

DED: My back is against the faucet. It hurts like a bitch.

MD: Poor dear.

DED: Misty, I am going to kiss you, and then I am going to rub my back for fifteen minutes and wince.

MD: Sounds like a plan.

DED: (gets closer and closer to MD) And then I'm going to get back to my life, and remember this moment forever.

MD: (gets closer to DED) Me too.

DED: (breathy whisper) Ready?

MD: (breathy whisper) Ready.

DED: Good. (hits MD over the head with a toilet brush)

MD: OW! RIGHT BASTARD!

DED: YES! SCORE ONE FOR THE HOME TEAM!

MD: Okay. You earned that.

DED: Hmm?

MD: The whole I'm-in-love-with-you act.

DED: Was it an act, Misty my dear?

MD: Was it what?

DED: Was that me pretending to spill my heart out in order to hit you with a bathroom cleaning device, or was it how I really feel?

MD: Was it?

DED: Maybe. Was it how you felt?

MD: Maybe.

DED: Good. Now that that's settled, I'm going to rub my back.

MD: And I am going to continue sitting on this toilet.

DED: Fine by me.

MD: Agreed.

DED: Or...

DED MD: TOILET BRUSH FIGHT! (whack each other with toilet brushes)

ELSEWHERE:

Saria: ZELDA HAS THE COOLEST BED IN THE HISTORY OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE!

Impa: Thanks for the update. Anything else new?

Saria: I'M DEVELOPPING A COLD SORE ON MY LIP!

Nabooru: What was that about the bed again?

Saria: ZELDA HAS THE COOLEST BED IN THE HISTORY OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE!

Ruto: How so?

Saria: It's a canopy bed with beads hanging from it! Zelda can sleep surrounded by impenetrable layers of beads!

Ruto: I have a canopy bed, you know.

Impa: No you don't.

Nabooru: I have an espresso machine, and you don't see me calling the world press.

Saria: AND IT'S REALLY SOFT!

Impa: What, the press?

Ruto: The espresso machine?

Saria: THE BED! IT'S LIKE I'M LYING IN A VAT OF PUDDING!

Impa: COOL!

Nabooru: Let me see.

Saria: (climbs into bed) It's like a pool of heavenly quicksand! See? (sinks into bed) Uh oh...

Ruto: Saria?

Saria: AAAH! THE BED IS ENGULFING ME! NNOOOOOOOOmmmph! (head goes under)

Impa: NO! (puts knife between teeth, dives into the bed)

Nabooru: Wait! You'll be killed in there!

Ruto: How? It's a bed.

Nabooru: Shut up fishbrain! I'm goin' in! (straps on scuba mask, drops into bed)

Ruto: Oh for crying out loud. (jumps into bed)

(all is inky blackness. Impa's face appears.)

Impa: Saria?

Saria: Impa! Can you hear me?

Impa: Where are you?

Saria: To your left!

Nabooru: What? At what depth?

Saria: I don't know, I don't have a freaking altimeter over here!

Impa: My left?

Saria: No, my left! Your right!

Impa: Here?

Saria: No wait, my other left!

Ruto: Now, I can breathe water, but I can't breathe bed. How are we breathing?

Saria: I'm in an air pocket.

Impa: (swimming through the bed towards Saria) I'm coming!

Nabooru: Wait for me!

Ruto: Umm...

Impa: (arriving in a five-foot diameter bubble containing Saria) Thank goodness you're okay!

Ruto: (arriving) Yeah, but how do we...

Nabooru: This is by far the weirdest bed I've ever been in!

Impa: I can't see anything. Turn on a light.

Nabooru: (strikes a match) Is this better?

(everyone is crammed into tiny bubble)

Ruto: You idiot.

Nabooru: What?

Ruto: That match is burning oxygen. We'll suffocate faster.

Nabooru: Sorry. (puts out the match)

Impa: What do we do now?

Saria: Which way is the surface?

Ruto: I don't know. I can't tell.

Nabooru: Which way is up?

Ruto: Same direction as the surface.

Saria: But how do we figure out which way is up?

Impa: Gravity goes down. Up is the opposite direction as gravity.

Nabooru: So where is gravity?

Ruto: Shouldn't it be obvious?

Saria: It's not.

Nabooru: We need to drop something and see which direction it goes.

Impa: What?

Nabooru: I don't know. Let me check. (lights a match)

Ruto: NO! THE PRECIOUS OXYGEN!

Nabooru: Chill back. It's a match.

Ruto: IT'LL BE THE DEATH OF US ALL!

Impa: I don't see any small objects to drop.

Nabooru: We'll have to spit.

Ruto: PUT OUT THE GODFORSAKEN MATCH YOU FIEND! (lunges at Nabooru, grabs match with bare hands) OW! THE CURSED THING BURNED MY FINGER! RETURN TO THE HELL FROM WHENCE YE CAME! (snaps matchstick into little pieces) Gasp gasp gasp...

Impa: Wait, spit?

Nabooru: Someone spits, and the spit will go in the direction of gravity.

Saria: Umm, NO?

Nabooru: What?

Impa: You're not spitting on me.

Ruto: There must be some alternative.

Nabooru: There's not.

Saria: DON'T SPIT ON ME! EEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Nabooru: WE'RE GONNA DIE OTHERWISE!

Saria: SO BE IT!

Impa: Listen. There's four of us. If one of us goes in each direction, we'll probably find the surface.

Nabooru: What? I can't see you.

Impa: You mean hear?

Nabooru: No, I can't see you. (lights a match)

Impa: Of course you can't see me. What does that have to do with anything?

Ruto: GOOD GOD NO! MY LUNGS ARE IMPLODING! (passes out)

Saria: Umm.

Impa: Right.

Nabooru: Ruto, if you don't want us to leave, say something.

Ruto: .......

Nabooru: .......

Ruto: ........

Nabooru: Good. (swims out of bubble)

Impa: Right-o. This is the stupidest plan I've ever seen. (swims off)

Saria: I'm...so alone...EEE! (swims off)

Ruto: ......

ELSEWERE:

Ganondorf: This roof is BORRRRRING!

Malon: Well, yeah, that's sorta the point. What were you expecting?

Ganondorf: I don't know. Maybe a hidden garden or something. An arcade.

Malon: An arcade? What ARE you smoking?

Ganondorf: Pot...

Malon: ...

Ganondorf: ..ted plants...

Malon: ...

Ganondorf: ...that are hallucinogenic.

Malon: ...

Ganondorf: Uh oh. It's the rush.

Malon: The what?

Ganondorf: It's prtey soon gnoig to be impsooble to spaek ntledgiablee adlggggggggkkkkllllll...

Malon: Thaaaaat's great. Hey, Skull Kid?

SK: AHOY-HOY?

Malon: Your pineapple head is really creeping me out.

SK: WHY? IT'S JUST A PINEAPPLE!

Malon: But it's weird. It's featureless and ovoid and spikey.

SK: AND THAT'S THEY WAY I LIKE IT, BABY!

Malon: But couldn't you...WAIT! I got an idea! (whips out Sharpie)

SK: WHAT IN BLAZES...

Malon: (draws smiley face on SK's pineapple) There! Now you look more or less humanoid!

SK: WOOT! HUMANOID!

Malon: Sadly, that's as close as you're gonna get.

SK: I CAN LIVE WITH THAT.

Mido: Can I go?

Malon: Go where? Why?

Mido: I need to go to the weapons locker. To commit certain deeds.

Malon: I didn't know Zelda even HAD a weapons locker.

Mido: Well, what you don't know can kill you gruesomely.

Malon: 'Strue.

Mido: So now I must go and...um...investigate the crawlspace over...um...there.

Ganondorf: I tohght uoy siad yuo wree gnigo ot og tw het wpeaosn lcorke??!?1?1?!!?1?1?!

Mido: The weapons crawlspace. That's where I'm going.

Malon: Why do you need weapons?

Mido: Oh, you know...I mean...the reasons...

Malon: And what are you going to do with those weapons?

Mido: Well. That depends on what your definition of "is" is.

Malon: Oh. Okay.

Mido: And away I go! (darts off)

SK: SHOULDN'T SOMEONE GO WITH MIDO? YOU KNOW, THE BUDDY SYSTEM?

Malon: No.

Ganondorf: Nope.

SK: OKAY.

Ganondorf: So what now?

Malon: I dunno.

SK: HOW ABOUT...(picks up dodgeball) DODGEBALL?

Malon: On a rooftop? Are you in...(gets hit in the face with a dodgeball, falls off the roof) IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Ganondorf: Skull Kid! You killed Malon!

Malon: No he didn't...he just maimed me severely. And I think most of the bones below my navel are broken. There seems to be some fluid leaking rapidly from my kneecaps.

Ganondorf: YOU'RE the murderer!

SK: NO, I JUST LIKE DODGEBALL!

Ganondorf: SOUND THE AL...(gets hit in the head with a dodgeball, hits the floor)

SK: HA! I RULE THE ROOF! (throws dodgeball at the ground, which bounces up and hits him in the pineapple, which flies off. Skull Kid hits the floor)

Malon: What's going on up there? Is anyone going to call an ambulance or something maybe? (dodgeball falls on her head, knocking her out)

(A mysterious, cloaked figure emerges from the stairs to the roof)

Mysterious figure: Excellent...

WHO IS THE MYSTERIOUS ASSAILANT? WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE HAPLESS MURDER MYSTERY GUESTS? WHODUNNIT? WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END? DEPENDS ON HOW PROFITABLE THIS SERIES IS! SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON AIRWZAC!

This episode of Adventures In Randomness With Zelda and Company is dedicated to Misty Dawn. Wherever you go, to college, job, live, love, and everything, Misty, whatever happens to you, from now until the end of time, never stop being crazy, funny, and a wonderful person. And never stop hitting me with that toilet brush.


	28. Part TwentyEight: Mysterious Murder?

AIRWZAC

Chapter 29: More Murderous Mystery and Mysterious Murder!

In the kitchen:

Rauru: (singing the Six Flags dancing-old-child-abductor-guy song) Doot doot doot doot doot doot doot! Doot doot doot doot doot doot doot! Doot DEET doot DEET doot DEE DEET! Doot DEET DEET DEET doot DEE DEET!

Zelda: Uhh...eeh...what's going on?

Rauru: (singing to the Six Flags song) You-got-hit-with-a-dodge-ball, your-face-hit-the-lin-oleum, you've-been-passed-out-for-hours, I-want-to-eat-some-ta-cos...

Zelda: Right. I must still be unconscious, and the crazy singing fat man is just a figment of my imagination.

Rauru: No-I'm-not-I-am-really-here, sit-ting-in-front-of-the-fridge, get-ting-some-taco-fixin's, 'cuz-I-want-to-eat-ta-cos...

Link: Unh...ooowwowwo...uhh...DODGEBALL! Huh? What's going on?

Zelda: Rauru is singing like the old child abductor guy in the Six Flags commercials.

Rauru: I-want-to-eat-the-tacos, the-tac-os-tac-os-tac-os, the-TAC-os-TAC-os-TAC-os, the-TAC-OS-TAC-OS-TAC-OS...

Link: Right. I must be still uncons...

Zelda: Nope.

Link: Really?

Zelda: (slugs Link on the shoulder)

Link: Ow. Yep.

Rauru: The-tac-os-tac-os-tac-os, the-tac-os-tac-os-tac-os, the-TAC-os-TAC-os-TAC-os, the-TAC-TAC-TAC-TAC-TAC-OS...

Link: What the hell is with him and tacos?

Zelda: What the hell is with YOU and dodgeball?

Link: What the hell is with YOU and asking what the hell is with me and dodgeball?

Zelda: Huh?

Link: I WIN!

Zelda: Sigh.

Darunia: Oh...my head...what's going on?

Zelda: We're having an intelligent civil discourse.

Rauru (getting louder and louder): ...the-tac-os-tac-os-TAC-OS! THE-TAC-OS-TAC-OS-TAC-OS! THE-TAC-OS-TAC-OS-TAC-OS! THE-TAC-OS-TAC-OS-TAC-OS!

Darunia: What the hell is with him and...

Zelda: Tacos? What the hell is with YOU and...

Link: SILENCE WOMAN!

Rauru: (now holding a platter covered with dozens of tacos, punctuating each "tac" with the crunch of a taco being eaten in a single bite) THE-CRUNCH-OS-CRUNCH-OS-CRUNCH-OS! THE-CRUNCH-OS-CRUNCH-OS-CRUNCH-OS! THE-CRUNCH-OS-CRUNCH-OS-CRUNCH-OS! I-LOVE-TO-EAT-THE-CRUNCH-OS!

Zelda: (yelling to be heard over Rauru crunching tacos) SHUT UP RAURU!

Link: WHAT?

Darunia: EH?

Rauru: THE-CRUNCH-OS...huh?

Link: Huh?

Rauru: I'm out of tacos.

Zelda: PRAISE THE LORD!

Rauru: What's next then? (takes out PDA, clicks stylus a couple of times) Lessee...I'm done with the 10:30 taco hour...now...oh boy! Freestyle!

Darunia: ...freestyle?

Rauru: (opens fridge, starts grabbing whatever is handy and placing on the floor) Let's-see-I'll-have-some-pea-nuts, and-ham-and-peas-and-len-tils, and-pork-and-beef-and-brat-wurst, and-bread-and-cal-a-mar-i, and-pick-les-grapes-and-chi-cken, and-cans-of-min-es-tro-ne, and-jam-and-Spam-and-hot-dogs, and-ten-der-corn-ish-game-hen, and-bat-ter-dipped-veal-cut-lets, and-eggs-and-brie-and-Slim-Jims, and-cake-and-pie-and-ice-cream, and...

Zelda: That's it, I'm knocking myself unconscious again. (takes dodge ball, throws against wall and gets hit in the head, hits the floor)

Link: Wait for me! (hits self in head with dodge ball, hits the floor)

Darunia: Well, it's taking the coward's way out, but...(prepares to hit self with dodge ball)...wait...if we're all unconscious, then there's nothing to keep the murderer from killing us in our sleep. We need someone to stand watch.

Rauru: ...cus-tard, and-cash-ews-figs-and-roast-beef, and...

Darunia: Hey, Rauru?

Rauru: ...pret-zels-cab-bage-pound-cake, and-chow-der-crab-and-floun-der...

Darunia: RAURU!

Rauru: ...fish-sticks-gum-bo-bag-uettes...

Darunia: RAURU!

Rauru: ...Jell-o-beer-nuts-sau-sage...

Darunia: I HAVE SOME DEEP-FRIED MARS BARS FOR YOU!

Rauru: WHAT?

Darunia: Now that I have your attention, I need you to stand watch while me and the others brain ourselves with dodgeballs and pass out. Make sure no one murders us.

Rauru: Well...I'd have to watch you instead of the food...and the food might get murdered...so no.

Darunia: Come on.

Rauru: What's in it for me?

Darunia: Um...hmm...how about...all the rock sirloin you can eat?

Rauru: Rock sirloin? Rocks?

Darunia: Yep. Best out there. Goron specialty.

Rauru: Hmm...do I like eating rocks?...YES! DEAL!

Darunia: Yay.

Rauru: I WILL STAND GUARD AGAINST THE ENCROACHMENT OF TERRIBLE EVIL! AND WHERE'RE THOSE MARS BARS?

Darunia: There are none. Now stand watch.

Rauru: Aww. Oh well! Now to sing an ol' watchin' song I learned in the Nam.

Darunia: YOU served in Vietnam?

Rauru: No, in the PaN-AMerican House of Pancakes. They have pancakes from all fifty states. Mmmm...Arkansas...

Darunia: Whatever.

Rauru: Anyhoo! The ol' song o' watchin'! It goes a little something like this.

(pause)

Rauru: Here-I-am-wat-ching-pe-ople, they-all-got-hit-with-dodge-balls, keep-them-from-get-ting-mur-dered, be-cause-there-is-a-mur-derer, but-he-won't-mur-der-these-guys, be-cause-I'm-wat-ching-for-him, I'm-wat-ching-wat-ching-wat-ching...

Darunia: (shrugs, hits self with dodge ball, hits the floor)

Meanwhile:

(in the bathroom. The shower curtains lay in tatters on the floor, there is toilet paper everywhere, cosmetics are scattered about. The bathroom mirror swings on its hinges and falls off, shattering.)

DED: Ahh. Good toilet brush fight.

MD: Is it ever NOT a good toilet brush fight?

DED: I doubt it highly.

MD: So.

DED: So.

MD: So-so.

DED: So.

MD: La ti do.

DED: I think I'm insane.

MD: I think so too.

DED: Good, I needed a second opinion.

(long pause)

MD: Dave?

DED: Yeah?

MD: What's that there? (looks at ceiling)

DED: Hey, yeah, what IS that? (looks at ceiling)

MD: Looks like...hmm. Looks like some kind of...

DED: Congealed shampoo.

MD: Well, we did sorta trash the bathroom.

DED: Yeah, but shampoo? On the ceiling?

MD: I guess.

DED: That doesn't look like shampoo.

MD: Oh, really. What is it, then, if you're so smart?

DED: Maybe aftershave?

MD: Zelda doesn't need aftershave.

DED: You sure? Like, for her legs or something?

MD: You don't talk to girls often, do you?

DED: Often? YOU won't shut up!

MD: Case in point.

DED: I maintain it's aftershave. No, wait, it's exfoliating lotion of some sort.

MD: Really.

DED: Yeah! That makes sense, right? Zelda would have lotion?

MD: Yes, but what makes you think that's what that congealed lump on the ceiling is?

DED: Well, call it a hunch.

MD: No, I'm going to keep calling it a congealed lump on the ceiling.

DED: You do that.

(long pause)

MD: Hey Dave?

DED: Yeah?

MD: You ever think about how, like, the universe is?

DED: All the time. Incessantly.

MD: So maybe you could clear something up for me.

DED: Yeah.

MD: Does time really exist?

DED: (pauses for seven seconds)

MD: Well?

DED: How long did I just pause for?

MD: Seven seconds?

DED: Yes. Does that answer your question?

MD: No. See, you can SAY that seven seconds passed, but did it really?

DED: Do you need me to pause for longer, or what?

MD: Listen, how can we tell that time is passing?

DED: (gestures at Zelda's alarm clock, which has been smashed) Oh. But you get the idea.

MD: But again, how do we know that the clock is telling time, and not just displaying random, made-up numbers?

DED: Huh?

MD: Let me put it this way. We have eyes to see, ears to hear, nerves to touch, noses to smell, and tongues to taste. Using those five things, we can prove that something exists. Right?

DED: Yes.

MD: But we have no sense organ for time. We can't prove it exists without applying artificial constructs of our own design to the concept of time, i.e., a clock.

DED: But we don't need to have a time organ to tell time exists.

MD: But how do we know that time is passing?

DED: We look at the clock, and the numbers change, and time passes.

MD: But the numbers might not mean anything relative to REAL time.

DED: You seem to think that time is an absolute.

MD: Hmm?

DED: Time isn't an absolute, it's not something that has a fixed value. From the moment we made a clock and watched it move, we created our version of time. The fact that the clock moves justifies the existence of time.

MD: So...

DED: So, we invented a system in which one second equals one second, one minute equals sixty seconds, one hour equals sixty minutes, et cetera. If we had instead said that one gesnooty equals one gesnooty, fourteen gesnooties equals one fup, and four trillion fups equals one uberfup, we'd have made time exist again, but in a different, although just as valid, way.

MD: Oh. Okay. So time exists for those who recognize it.

DED: Precisely.

MD: How about for those that don't? How about for cavemen who didn't understand time? Did time not exist then?

DED: If you don't know about something, what's the difference if it exists or if it doesn't? The question of whether time existed for cavemen is irrelevant, because it wouldn't have made a difference to them if it did or if it didn't. It's like asking if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, does it make a sound? Yes or no, it doesn't matter because no one's there to hear or not hear it.

MD: Okay. Sorry to bother you.

DED: It's no problem.

MD: Speaking of time, how long do we have to hide in the bathroom?

DED: Umm...

MD: Umm...

DED: Until...

MD: The stuff...

DED: Happens.

MD: Agreed.

(long pause)

DED: It's definitely lotion.

MD: What, time?

DED: The thing on the ceiling.

MD: Yeah. Congealed lotion, probably.

DED: I'm going to have to disagree.

MD: What? You just said yourself it was lotion!

DED: No, the congealed part. I think it's going to fall sometime soon.

MD: Oh. Yeah, it does look that way. See, it's starting to slip.

DED: It is? (looks up) Oh, it...(dollop of lotion falls into eye) OH GOD MY EYE! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

MD: HEE HEE HEE HEE! OH MAN I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR THAT!

DED: SWEET JESUS IT BURNS! WHERE'S THE BATHTUB, I HAVE TO FLUSH MY EYES!

MD: HA HA HA! OVER TO YOUR LEFT! NO! YOUR OTHER LEFT!

DED: SERIOUSLY!

MD: NO! YOUR OTHER OTHER LEFT!

DED: THERE! (turns on faucet, washes eyes)

MD: That was classic.

DED: (panting, eyes bloodshot, face dripping wet) That was classically EVIL!

MD: Exactly.

DED: You'll live to regret that.

MD: Oh, really? What'll you do, trick ME into letting lotion fall into my eyes?

DED: No, but LOOK UP THERE!

MD: WHAT WHAT WHAT? (looks up, gets hit in the eye by a dollop of lotion) OH GOD! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

DED: ZING!

Meanwhile:

Malon: Hey! I think I'm not as badly maimed as I though I was! Let me try to stand up! CRUNCH OH GOD I WAS WRONG! SO VERY VERY WRONG!

Mysterious cloaked figure: Hello...Malon.

Malon: Oh my! Who are you?

MCF: There are those who call me...Mysterious Cloaked Figure.

Malon: Huh.

MCF: MCF for short.

Malon: So what exactly are you going to do?

MCF: My dear. I am going to murder you.

Malon: YOU'RE the murderer?

MCF: No, I'm the MCF who happens to murder people. OF COURSE I AM!

Malon: How are you going to murder me?

MCF: I am going to take you to the murder closet.

Malon: Come again?

MCF: The murder closet. It's where the people who I murder end up. I lock them in a closet and they're effectively murdered.

Malon: Hm. Why not just murder them where you find them?

MCF: Oh, I don't know. Why do some people like Barry Manilow and some people don't?

Malon: Because some people have severe brain damage and others don't, respectively?

MCF: ExACTLY!

Malon: So you put people in a closet because you're brain-damaged?

MCF: That sounds about right.

Malon: Well, can't complain.

MCF: So, now I must knock you out with chloroform.

Malon: You what?

MCF: Are YOU the brain-damaged one, or what?

Malon: Never mind. Just knock away.

MCF: Okay. Now, to get out some chloro...(pulls out a bottle of Raid) Oh. This isn't the chloroform.

Malon: Oh. Pity. Guess you can't murder me, then.

MCF: Put you in the murder closet, you mean.

Malon: Whatever.

MCF: No, I have a back-up plan. (takes out dodge ball, beans Malon)

Malon: ...again...why do BOIDS...suddenly appear...(passes out)

MCF: Ehhhhhgselent. (drags Malon off)

Later, in Zelda's linen closet:

Malon: Huh? Wha? Where am I?

SK: MURDER CLOSET!

Malon: Murder closet?

Ganondorf: 'Friad so.

Malon: Oh croikey! That means the evil Mysterious Cloaked Figure knocked me out and murdered me!

SK: YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY DEAD, YOU KNOW.

Malon: Well, for the moment. But we can't go warn the others!

Ganondorf: Durr.

Malon: What about Mido?

SK: HE CONVENIENTLY DISAPPEARED MOMENTS BEFORE WE WERE MURDERED, REMEMBER?

Malon: Oh yeah. So he did.

Ganondorf: So this is it, then.

Malon: What is what?

Ganondorf: THIS, is IT!

Malon: WHAT IS IT?

Ganondorf: THIS!

Malon: WHAT IS THIS?

Ganondorf: A GUY ON FIRST!

Malon: Who?

Ganondorf: No, he's on second.

Malon: What?

Ganondorf: He's in the outfield.

Malon: Shut up.

Ganondorf: He's DHing.

Malon: Would someone knock me unconscious again?

Ganondorf: No, I'm afraid he's busy warming up. He's an excellent closer, you know.

Malon: Skull Kid? Please hit Ganondorf with something.

Ganondorf: Okay, but he's awfully heavy. You should try hitting me with anybody.

Malon: Anybody? Okay, I'll hit you with Skull Kid.

Ganondorf: No, imbecile, hit me with ANYBODY!

Malon: Skull Kid IS somebody.

Ganondorf: No, Skull Kid is Skull Kid.

Malon: I'm going to kill myself.

Ganondorf: You can try, but security at his place is pretty tight.

Malon: Am I dead or something?

Ganondorf: No, he's batting and she's the color commentator. You're Malon.

Malon: Must...kill...Ganondorf...(crawls feebly towards Ganondorf)

Ganondorf: Not right now. Somebody is up to bat.

SK: HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?

Ganondorf: I'm listening to it on this here radio.

Malon: RADIO? CAN YOU TALK INTO IT?

Ganondorf: Durr.

SK: STOP SAYING THAT!

Ganondorf: This is a CB radio. Zelda keeps it in her closet for emergencies.

Malon: How did you know that?

Ganondorf: Well, I DID take over this whole castle with my unstoppable armies of evil, one time

Malon: Okay, sorry I asked. Can we try calling somebody on it? You know, to let us out of this closet?

SK: WE'RE IN A CLOSET? WHAT?

Malon: Yes. The closet. As in, "the murder closet."

SK: OH! I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST A FIGURE OF SPEECH!

Malon: Quick, give me the radio before my IQ drops any further!

Ganondorf: Okay, somebody struck out anyway.

Malon: Who?

Ganondorf: NO! FOR THE LAST TIME, WENCH! HE'S ON FIRST!

Malon: Whatever. (grabs radio) Hello? Hello? This is an emergency! Come in!

(long pause)

Ganondorf: You have to say 'over.'

Malon: Why?

Ganondorf: He's on deck.

Malon: No, why do I have to say 'over?'

Ganondorf: CB radio thing.

SK: IF WE'RE IN A CLOSET, THAT MEANS...(searches around) YES! THROW PILLOWS! (takes a throw pillow and attaches to neck) HYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Malon: Oh fine. Over.

Some hillbilly trucker voice: Yhep?

Malon: Sir? We're trapped in a closet, over.

Trucker: Hey, that's a total 43-2. I'll help. What's your 10-40? Over.

Malon: What?

Ganondorf: He's on first.

Malon: Um...we're at...umm...a closet in Zelda's house. Over.

Trucker: Oh! You're 10-6ing in a hot-box double-nine-over! Why didn't you say so? Over.

Malon: Um. Yeah. Hot-boxing.

Ganondorf: WOO! (takes out potted plant) LET'S FUG THIS SHID UP! (sets the plant on fire)

Trucker: Okay. I'll send some smokeys to alligator your eleventeen-twelvity-two, over.

Malon: Those aren't real numbers! Over.

Trucker: Hey! What the 14 are you 76ing about, you 3! What's your handle, anyway? Over.

Malon: Handle? Um...Bull...uh...Xylophone. Over.

Trucker: Bull Uh Xylophone? OH! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? Over.

Malon: I have no flipping clue. Over.

Trucker: Okay! We'll have someone come and rescue you 44-8! Over.

Malon: Umm...good, I think! Over and out!

(scene shifts to random room with Mysterious Cloaked Figure holding a CB radio)

MCF: Over and out...FOREVER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(scene shifts back to the closet)

Trucker: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Waitaminnit. click

Ganondorf: (singing) I wasn't gunna run from tha cops, but I was high...OO WEE OO! I was gunna pull over and stop, but I was high...

SK: THANKS TO MY NEW PILLOW HEAD, I'M NATURALLY HIGH!

Malon: Did you hear that? Someone is going to rescue us!

Ganondorf: AH-WHAT?

Malon: Someone is going to rescue us!

Ganondorf: AH-WHAT?

Malon: Someone is going to rescue us!

Ganondorf: AH-WHAT?

Malon: Someone is going to rescue us!

Ganondorf: AH-WHAT?

Malon: Someone is going to rescue us!

Ganondorf: OH-KAY!

Malon: Please God kill me.

Meanwhile:

Saria: Oh dear. This is bad. This is really bad. This is bad bad bad bad...HEY! THERE'S THE SURFACE OF THE BED! (swims to the surface) Hey! Wait...This isn't Zelda's bedroom! It's...a random hallway! And why are we shaking so much?

MCF: (grunting, carrying bed) Rrggg...bed...so...heavy...

Saria: Hey! You! Mysterious cloaked person!

MCF: FIGURE! CLOAKED FIGURE!

Saria: Whaaaaatever. Anyway, who are you? What are you doing with us?

MCF: Well, you were right on the money with the mysterious cloaked figure bit.

Saria: So what are you doing with us?

MCF: You're all going into...the murder closet.

Saria: Come again?

MCF: OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! NOT YOU TOO!

Saria: Not me what?

MCF: Listen. I'm taking you to the murder closet. Wherein you will remain.

Saria: The point being...

MCF: I murdered you! Now you go to the murder closet! (starts shoving the entire bed through the closet door)

Saria: But you didn't murder me. You just put me in a closet.

MCF: Yes, but IN EFFECT you're murdered! You can't leave! It's like you're dead!

Saria: Whatever. Just hurry it up, please.

Impa: (head popping out of the mattress) Hey! I'm free! And...what the...what's going on, Saria? Where are we? And why is the floor so much more parallel to my body that it usually is?

Saria: We're being shoved, bed and all, into the murder closet.

Impa: Come again?

MCF: MURDER CLOSET! DON'T YOU GET IT?

Impa: Umm...oh...OH! RIGHT! THE MURDER CLOSET! YEAH! WHATEVER YOU SAY!

Nabooru: (surfacing) Did someone say something about murder closets?

Ruto (surfacing): Murmur corsets? What?

(mattress pops into closet with resounding pop)

MCF: (dusting self off) Done and done. (slams door, locks door with key. Remember the key! It'll be important later! Really!) Hey! I just realized that this key is going to be important later! Really! (See? He admits it!)

Meanwhile in the closet:

Saria: Hey! We're not alone!

Malon: Welcome to the never-ending treadmill of nightmare.

Ruto: I though you said this was the murder closet.

Malon: Same difference.

Impa: Zo whazappinin?

Nabooru: You use too many Z's. Stop it.

Impa: Zorry.

Malon: Well, in brief, I held a semi-intelligible conversation with some CB radio user, Skull Kid attached a throw pillow to his neck, and Ganondorf is in a psychotropic haze.

Saria: Really? Why?

Malon: He was smoking pot.

Saria: ...

Malon: ...ted plants.

Saria: ...

Malon: That were hallucinogenic.

Saria: ...

Ganondorf: Wzah gnoig no wthi teh poeplse nwo?

Malon: See?

Saria: Yes.

Ganondorf: My barin cna't fnctuin vrey wlel rghit tihs mnutie...

Impa: So what do we do?

Malon: Wait. He'll murder someone with a plan to get us out of here eventually.

Nabooru: Who? MacGuiver?

Malon: Possibly.

Saria: Let's just put Ganny in a corner and wrap him in blankets so he won't hurt himself until it wears off.

SK: OKAY! (stuffs Ganondorf into a large winter blanket, shoves blanket away)

Ganondorf: (legs sticking out of blanket) Waht? Flel knida fnuny...

INSIDE GANONDORF'S MIND

(all is blackness. Ganondorf appears in a spotlight)

Ganondorf: WHOA! This shid is fugged up! Even more than usual!

Small, childlike voice, with strange faint British accent: But everything is just as it should be...

Ganondorf: WHO'S THERE?

(What looks like Ganondorf as a ten-year-old appears in a spotlight. He is wearing dorky suspenders and carrying a stack of books attached to a belt, with thick glasses and curly red hair...)

Ganondorf: YOU!

Lil' Ganondorf: Yes...it is I...your inner child...

Ganondorf: I REMEMBER YOU!

Lil' Ganondorf: Yes...you were trapped in Gryorg's stomach...and there were all those people in there...

Ganondorf: And you appeared...and told me to save them...

Lil' Ganondorf: Yes...I gave you the courage to fight back...

Ganondorf: But...you showed me something I thought I had forgotten forever...

Lil' Ganondorf: Yes...I showed you your true self...

Ganondorf: PAIN-BRINGER!

Lil' Ganondorf: Memories...can be painful...yes...

Ganondorf: No! No! NOOOOOOOOOO!

Flashback sound: Doodely doodely doodely...

FLASHBACK

(Ganondorf as a young child. He is wearing dorky suspenders and carrying a stack of books attached to a belt, with thick glasses and curly red hair, and is sitting in a classroom, licking a lollypop)

Lil' Ganondorf: La la la la la la! Once I had a lollypop! Then I ate it! But then I got another!

Gerudo #1: Hey! LOSERdorf!

Lil' Ganondorf: Hey! That's mean!

Gerudo #2: Look! You dropped your wowwy-pop!

Lil' Ganondorf: No I didn't!

Gerudo #3: NOW YA DID! (knocks lollypop out of Lil' Ganondorf's hand)

Lil' Ganondorf: WAAAAAAAHHH! YOU GOT FUZZ ALL OVER IT! (bends over to pick up lollypop)

Gerudo #1: Bite me! (gives Lil' Ganondorf atomic wedgie)

Lil' Ganondorf: AHHHHHHHH! IT HURTS!

Whole class: (pointing and laughing) HA HA!

END FLASHBACK

Ganondorf: (clutching head) NO! IT CAN'T BE REAL! NONE OF THIS!

Lil' Ganondorf: Of course it's not real. It's just a hallucination, you drug-addled loser.

Ganondorf: But what do you want from me?

Lil' Ganondorf: You must break out of your drug-induced haze and save the day!

Ganondorf: Save? Why?

Lil' Ganondorf: Your friends...they're trapped in the closet. And soon more will be murdered. You've got to find a way out, and stop the murderer!

Ganondorf: Can't someone else do it?

Lil' Ganondorf: (suddenly very angry) NO!

Ganondorf: (face in hands) I wish I were never born...

Lil' Ganondorf: Do you? Do you know what the world would be like if you were never born?

Ganondorf: (looking up) N...no...

Lil' Ganondorf: Let me show you...(everything goes blurry)

Ganondorf: WHAT'S GOING ON?

(the background becomes Hyrule Field, blooming with daisies. All the Z-characters except Ganondorf are frolicking hand-in-hand through the field. 'So Happy Together' plays.)

Link: Thank goodness no evil overlord conquered the world and filled it with monsters!

Zelda: Yeah! I'm so glad nobody razed my castle to the ground and killed everyone I knew and loved!

Saria: Yeah! I'm glad there are no monsters in my home!

Ruto: And MY home didn't turn to ice!

All: YAY! (frolic away)

Ganondorf: THIS is what would have happened if I wasn't born? But everyone looks so happy!

Lil' Ganondorf: Umm...well...butttt...(things get blurry)

(scene changes to the plane from Containment, with Windmill Guy, Fishing Guy, Gryorg, and everyone else except Ganondorf)

Gryorg: NOW I'M GONNA EAT Y'ALL GOOD!

Zelda: Surely we are doomed!

Link: If only there was an evil overlord with us who had brought along a dehumidifier, who had gotten eaten by Gryorg, had a bizarre hallucinatory epiphany, and saved the day by dehumidifying Gryorg to death!

Saria: Oh woe! Oh woe!

Ruto: I wish an evil overlord was here! Even if he HAD turned my home to ice!

Gryorg: LESS CHAT MORE SPLAT! (eats everyone)

Ganondorf: That's...that's what would have happened if I wasn't there? In Gryorg's stomach, meeting you? And dehumidifying?

Lil' Ganondorf: Yes...you see...(scene gets blurry)

(scene changes back to the blackness with Ganondorf and Lil' Ganondorf in spotlights)

Lil' Ganondorf: ...you are needed.

Ganondorf: Okay, but what do I have to do?

Lil' Ganondorf: Save your friends...save them from being murdered...

Ganondorf: But...they're not my friends. They stopped my conquest of the world!

Lil' Ganondorf: But...you are really a good person at heart...aren't you?

Ganondorf: NO! I'M EVIL! I'M BAD!

Lil' Ganondorf: Search your feelings, you know it to be true...

Ganondorf: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Lil' Ganondorf: Look inside yourself...look to your soul...you will find...your heart is pure...you're just...misguided...

Ganondorf: No...no...wait...YES! OH GOD, YES! I AM GOOD! I AM PURE! I'M JUST A VICTIM OF CHILDHOOD TRAUMA!

Lil' Ganondorf: Yes...

Ganondorf: I'M NO BETTER THAN THOSE CRUEL ATOMIC-WEDGIE GERUDO CHICKS!

Lil' Ganondorf: You see now...you've done good in the past...

Ganondorf: Yes! Like on the plane! When I saved everyone from Gryorg!

Lil' Ganondorf: And not just all your friends...you saved the thigh-slapping bug dude... (TSBD appears in a spotlight, slapping his thighs)...and Honey and Darling...(Honey and Darling appear in a spotlight, twirling around)...and that Poe guy... (the Poe guy appears in a spotlight, waving his stick)

Ganondorf: Yarg. I kind of wish I hadn't saved them

Lil' Ganondorf: Yeah, actually, I sort of wish that too. (all the spotlights for the other people go off)

TSBD, Honey and Darling, Poe Dude: Hey!

Ganondorf: But the point remains...I saved their lives! AND IT FEELS SO GOOD!

Lil' Ganondorf: But most important...you saved...me...

Ganondorf: I did?

Lil' Ganondorf: Yes...when you dehumidified Gryorg, you took me with you...and I've always been with you...always...

Ganondorf: You have...?

Lil' Ganondorf: Yes...I am your inner child...I will always be with you...now go!

Ganondorf: YES!

Lil' Ganondorf: Go! Wake up from this acid trip! Help all your friends! Save them! Like you saved...me...

Ganondorf: YES! GOD YES! I WILL REDEEM MYSELF!

Lil' Ganondorf: Remember...I will always be right...here...(touches Ganondorf on the chest)

(everything gets blurry)

BACK IN THE CLOSET

Nabooru: (poking Ganondorf in the chest) Hey, I think he's not dead!

Saria: Really? Why do you say that?

Nabooru: He's conscious again.

Saria: Better poke him some more, just for good measure.

Nabooru: 'Kay. (pokes Ganondorf)

Ganondorf: Wha...what's...where am I? I just had a vision...

Impa: You've been drooling on the carpet, catatonic, for twenty minutes.

Ganondorf: It was...it was destiny...it was a little me...with glasses and hair and traumatic childhoods and inner goodness and YES! YES! I AM GOOD!

Nabooru: Huh?

Ganondorf: DON'T YOU SEE? I'M NOT EVIL!

Ruto: Yes you are! You covered my home in ice!

Ganondorf: But it wasn't my fault! It was all because...I had such a traumatic childhood!

(pause)

Malon: Riiiiiight.

Ganondorf: NOW I MUST REDEEM MYSELF TO YOU GOOD PEOPLE! I SHALL EARN YOUR FORGIVENESS!

Malon: Double riiiiiight.

Ganondorf: (climbing into ventilation duct) I WILL SAVE YOU, OR DIE TRYING! SANTIAGO! (crawls away)

Malon: Triple riiiiiight with a 540 indy grab.

MEANWHILE:

Rauru (speaking musically): Here I am, guarding these people, they're all passed out, la dee dee da...

(a small red bloated devil-creature wearing a loincloth with goat legs and horns and a tail, with Rauru's face, and a pitchfork, appears on Rauru's shoulder)

Evil Rauru: This is boring. Besides, you haven't eaten in upwards of fourteen minutes now.

Rauru: Well, I have burned maybe .00001 precious irreplaceable calories...and the fridge is right there...

(a small but amazingly obese angel, wearing a toga that lets a big flabby hairy man-boob hang out, with wings and Rauru's head with a halo, appears on Rauru's shoulder)

Good Rauru: But you have to protect your unconscious buddies!

Rauru: Yeah!

Evil Rauru: Come on, what could happen? All you'd have to do is open the fridge, grab something, and stuff it in your mouth! Like, half a second!

Rauru: That's true...

Good Rauru: But while you were selfishly stuffing your face, the murderer could snatch someone and kill them! Think how guilty you'd feel!

Rauru: Yeah! Surely I can place the lives of my friends ahead of food, at least temporarily!

Evil Rauru: (takes out a doughnut) Are you suuuuuure? (little smell waves float up into Rauru's nose)

Rauru: GASP! SATANIC DOUGHNUT! SO...DELICIOUS...SO...TASTY...AWARRAGGLLLEE...(big drop of drool falls on Evil Rauru)

Evil Rauru: HEY! CUT THAT OUT!

Good Rauru: Fight temptation! The lives of your friends are on the line!

Evil Rauru: No! Give in to your hunger! Resistance is futile!

Rauru: Friends...food...friends...food...AAAAAAAH! SO AGONIZING!

Evil Rauru: If you don't decide quick, I'm going to eat this doughnut...

Rauru: NO! NOT THAT!

Good Rauru: No! You must not be tempted! Gimmie that doughnut! (lunges at Evil Rauru)

Evil Rauru: The hell I will! (punches Good Rauru)

Good Rauru: Oh, that is IT! (gets into fistfight with Evil Rauru)

Rauru: I'm so confused.

Evil Rauru: (backing off, panting heavily) Had...enough...yet? Gasp...gasp...

Good Rauru: I'm...gasp...just...gasp...getting...started...you...fiend...

Evil Rauru: Then...wheeze...bring...it...

Good Rauru: Wait...just...one...AAK! Left arm... tingling... chest... tight... need... nitroglycerin ...tablet...going...into...cardiac...arrest! GAAK! (falls over dead)

Evil Rauru: Ha! Now that we have HIM out of the way...wait! Body...paralyzed... vision... swimming... brain... not... getting... oxygen... having... stroke... GAAK! (falls over dead)

Rauru: YAY! (eats Evil Rauru's doughnut) Now then, what was I supposed to be doing? (looks up) Huh?

(door to the kitchen is swinging on its hinges, Darunia is missing)

Rauru: Oh fiddlesticks. (pause) Mmmm...fiddlesticks...(opens refrigerator) Hey! She DOES have it! 'Aunt Jemima's Home-Style Microwave Fiddlesticks!' HYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Link: (waking up) Uhh...head...aching...hey! Rauru's stopped singing that creepy child abductor old guy song!

Zelda: (waking up) He has?

Link: YES!

Zelda: SCORE!

Rauru: I wonder if Aunt Jemima is on my mother's side or my father's side...

Link: Say, wait a minute.

Rauru: She never comes to Thanksgiving dinner.

Zelda: Something's not right.

Rauru: Or Christmas dinner. Or Easter dinner.

Link: Where's Darunia?

Rauru: Or Valentine's Day dinner. Or Columbus Day dinner. Or even the summer solstice dinner!

Zelda: Hey, Rauru! What happened to Darunia?

Rauru: Although she WAS there for the National Prune Awareness Day pancake breakfast.

Link: RAURU!

Rauru: WHERE? Oh, I'M Rauru.

Zelda: What happened to Darunia?

Rauru: I dunno. He was there one moment, and then I had a bizarre internal moral debate, and then he was gone.

Link: Did he say where he was going?

Rauru: No...

Zelda: What do you think happened to him.

Rauru: Who am I, Sherlock Holmes?

Link: But Darunia might have been murdered!

Rauru: Probably. (microwave goes off) HEY! MY FIDDLESTICKS ARE DONE! (takes out plate with several fiddle-shaped waffles on them) WOOT! Complimentary syrup packet! (pours syrup on fiddlesticks)

Zelda: We have to go find him!

Link: Right! Maybe we could even catch the murderer!

Zelda: And then what would we do?

Link: I dunno. Get murdered, probably.

Zelda: What good will that do us?

Link: None...

Zelda: Okay! Let's go!

Link: Right! Rauru!

Rauru: Bwa-wha?

Link: Forget those fiddlesticks, man! We have a missing person to find!

Rauru: Tally-ho and pip pip! (puts entire plate in mouth, swishes around, spits the plate out back into the cupboard sparkling clean)

Zelda: Whoa.

Rauru: What?

Link: Nothing. Never mind.

WHO IS THE MYSERIOUS CLOAKED FIGURE? WHY IS HE PUTTING EVERYONE IN A CLOSET? SINCE RAURU'S CONSCIENCE JUST DIED FROM MASSIVE HEART FAILURE, WHAT WILL BECOME OF HIM? WILL GANONDORF FULFILL THE WISHES OF HIS SMALL, FAINTLY-BRITISH-ACCENTED, DRUG-INDUCED INNER CHILD? IF IT'S A BASS GUITAR, WHY ISN'T IT, "ALL YOUR BASS ARE BELONG TO US?" IF A TRAIN LEAVING CLEVELAND AT 3:00 PM TRAVELS AT 45 MILES PER HOUR AND A TRAIN LEAVING BOSTON AT 4:15 PM TRAVELS AT 30 MILES PER HOUR, HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE ANYONE TO REALIZE THAT BOTH TRAINS ARE MOVING REALLY SLOW? IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE ANSWERS TO THESE AND OTHER QUESTIONS, YOU CAN READ THE NEXT EXCITING CHAPTER OF ADVENTURES IN RANDOMNESS WITH ZELDA AND COMPANY, BUT IT WILL DO YOU NO GOOD.


	29. Part TwentyNine: The shocking conclusion

AIRWZAC

Chapter XXX: Butt-Sluts Go Nuts Volume 4! No wait, those X's are Roman numerals! I mean, The Murder Mystery Reloaded!

OUT IN THE HALLS:

Link (singing a theme song): Inspector Link, Inspector LINNNNNNNNNK! Sorta soft, sorta pink! Stupid as a brick!

Zelda: For once, you're surprisingly accurate.

Rauru: What are we looking for?

Link: Clues! (takes out large magnifying glass) Now then...(squats down and stares at the carpet)

Zelda: This isn't accomplishing anything.

Link: (looking up at Zelda) Hey! There's something big and blurry! (puts magnifying glass right next to Zelda's forehead) There's something...here...but...

Zelda: Do you mind?

Link: Not in the least! (keeps looking) AHA!

Rauru: What?

Link: Today is a Thursday!

Zelda: So?

Link: So...tomorrow is Friday!

Zelda: So?

Link: WAIT! HOLD STILL! (peers at Zelda's forehead) AHA AGAIN! (runs a finger along Zelda's forehead, licks finger)

Zelda: Um, EW?

Rauru: What now?

Link: THE MURDERER IS A BUNCH OF RABBITS!

Zelda: Um...

Link: Because here on your forehead is some kind of hair gel, and having licked it, I've determined that it's MegaRave Ultra Hold, which doesn't engage in animal testing, meaning that there are fifty or so lab rabbits that would have been held as test animals for the MegaRave corporation, BUT THEY'RE NOT! AND THEY'RE ON THE LOOSE! THEY'RE RUNNING AMOK IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW, CRAZED WITH REVENGE AND DRUNK ON BLOOD!

Rauru: Just one question: How can you tell what kind of hair gel Zelda's wearing based on how it tastes?

Link: Elementary, my dear Rauru! For you see, a few days ago I managed to get past the child-proofing on Zelda's medicine cabinet, and I drank some of the pretty colors, and then I didn't feel so good, and in the emergency room they said I had drank an entire bottle of MegaRave Ultra Hold!

Rauru: By Jove!

Zelda: Can we move along now?

Link: Righty-o! (squats near the carpet and walks hunched over, looking at the floor with a magnifying glass)

Zelda: This is truly pathetic.

Meanwhile:

MD (from inside the cabinet under the sink): Is it something you eat?

DED (in the bathtub): No.

MD: Is it something you use on a daily basis?

DED: Yes.

MD: Is it...Band-aids?

DED: No.

MD: Is it...nasal spray?

DED: Close...

MD: EYE DROPS!

DED: YES!

MD: HYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

DED: CURSE YOU!

MD: Okay. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with...T.

DED: Toilet paper.

MD: Yes. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with...P.

DED: Pipes.

MD: Yes. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with...T.

DED: Toilet paper.

MD: Yes.

DED: This sucks.

MD: Indubitably.

DED: Howzabout this? Who would win...

MD: Yeah?

DED: ...100 pirates or 100 ninjas?

MD: Ninjas, all the way.

DED: But pirates have blunderbusses. They have range.

MD: Ninjas have throwing stars. Besides, the pirates will never see them coming.

DED: Yeah, I guess.

MD: 100 zombies vs. 100 robots.

DED: Hmm. Close one. Both are tireless warriors who will fight anywhere, anytime, forever...

MD: Both don't mind having their body parts chopped off...

DED: I'd say the zombies, because the robots are more vulnerable to malfunctions.

MD: Ah, but the zombies are mere flesh. They'd slam against the robot's ultra-titanium casing, to no avail. Plus the robots have death rays.

DED: You never said that.

MD: I did now.

DED: Fine. 100 Ted Turners vs. 100 Bill Gateses.

MD: Turner, no contest. Jane's got him in better shape.

DED: What if the Bill Gateses had robotic Windows exoskeletons?

MD: They wouldn't work for more than five minutes.

DED: True.

MD: 100 pirate zombie Ted Turners vs. 100 ninja robot Bill Gateses.

DED: 100 robot zombie ninjas vs. 100 alien werewolf Terminators.

MD: 100 psychic mutant pirates vs. 100 winged vampire wizards.

DED: How much air is left in this room?

MD: Half an hour's worth?

DED: That explains it.

MD: You're thinking too rationally. You need less oxygen to your brain. (starts taking deep breaths)

DED: No...wait...stop...feeling...faint...no...wait...feelin'...fine...feel...like...dancing...

MD: Take me, loverboy...

DED: Maria...(drunkenly dances the tango with MD)

Meanwhile:

Ganondorf: (crawling through the ventilation ducts) Man, who'd have thought Zelda's house to have so much ventilation ducts in it?

(pause)

Ganondorf: I am so lost...

Grizzled Prospector Voice, coming from somewhere in the pipes: No ye'ain't! Eee hee hee heeh!

Ganondorf: Things have gone from weird to weirder.

Voice: Dag-gummit, boy, get yer fool head o're this way! Eh heh hee!

Ganondorf: Hello? Who goes there? (crawls into a large crawlspace occupied by a dilapidated wood shack) What the...

Small, bearded old mountain man, emerging from behind the house: Oh! A visitor! T'ain't been many a sight o' them folks 'round! Eh hee hee!

Ganondorf: Who are you?

Mountain Man: I'm yer insecurities! Eh hee hee hee!

Ganondorf: My what?

Mountain Man: I'm the sum total of all your fears, inadequacies, 'n failures! Eee hee hee!

Ganondorf: ...my what?

Mountain Man: Yer insecurities, ya dag-gum fool!

Ganondorf: Great. Just great. I'm talking to aspects of my own psyche.

Mountain Man: The physical manifestation of yer shortcomings, as a matter o' fact! Ee hee hee!

Ganondorf: Why is the physical manifestation of my shortcomings a short, bearded, grizzled prospector living in a shack in Zelda's ventilation system?

Mountain Man: Wouldn't ye like te know? Eh hee hee hee!

Ganondorf: Okay. Mister Insecurities, where the hell am I and how do I get out?

Mountain Man: What makes ye think ye c'n get out o' here anyhoo, ye stupid loser?

Ganondorf: Excuse me?

Mountain Man: You're an idiot, Ganny! Ye couldn't pour piss out o' a boot with the instrunkshuns written on the heel!

Ganondorf: How dare you?

Mountain Man: I'm yer insecurities, ya dag-gum fool! It's my job!

Ganondorf: Look. Shut up for a second and tell me how to get out of this nightmare!

Mountain Man: Ye're stuck here!

Ganondorf: The hell I am! (blows up the room with an evil energy blast)

Mountain Man: Yer only hurting yerselllllllfffff…………!

(room collapses, Ganondorf falls through the ceiling onto the floor of the room below)

Ganondorf: What the...did that really happen? (looks back up at the ceiling)

(the ceiling is exactly the same as it always was, no hole or anything)

Ganondorf: I'm confused, is there a gas leak in here?

Link: (rounding corner, magnifying glass fixed on the carpet, walking into Ganondorf head-first) Ow!

Zelda: (rounding corner) Did you hit your head again or...hey! It's Ganondorf!

Rauru: (rounding corner) Have you noticed that you eat popcorn at the movies but you don't eat popcorn at the opera? Oh! Hi!

Ganondorf: What are you people doing out?

Link: (cold-cocking Ganondorf with his magnifying glass) I'M runnin' this quiz show, bub! Now, where were you thirty seconds ago?

Ganondorf: In a hallucinatory confrontation with my own insecurities?

Link: WRONG ANSWER! Who are you working for?

Zelda: Don't mind him, he's just an idiot.

Ganondorf: Done and done.

Link: Don't skirt the issue! I have ways of making you talk!

Zelda: We're looking for the murderer. Darunia's missing.

Ganondorf: Oh! I just escaped from the murder closet!

Zelda: The what?

Ganondorf: Never mind. Anyway, the murder is taking people and putting them in this closet, for God knows what reason, and I escaped into the ventilation ducts and crawled around until my knees were bleeding and then stumbled into this chamber where there was this grizzled prospector who was the physical manifestation of my insecurities and got in a fight and blew him up and then fell out of the ceiling and landed here only there's no hole in the ceiling and I think I might have been hallucinating but we have to save everyone!

Rauru: Makes sense to me.

Zelda: I'm game.

Link: Avast!

Ganondorf: Whatever. Okay, the murder closet is over this way!

Link: Avast!

Zelda: Whatever.

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: I'm afraid no one's going to be coming out of the closet any time soon!

All: GASP!

Link: Wait. Did he just say no one's going to be coming out of the closet?

Zelda: He did indeed.

Rauru: Do you have any idea what you just said?

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: No, but that's not going to stop me! PREPARE TO BE MURDERED! (draws huge blood-soaked butcher knife)

SFX: REET REET REET REET REET REET REET!

All: AAAAAAAAAH!

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: (uses blood-soaked knife to write in blood on a notepad) Okay, Zelda, Ganondorf, Link, Rauru, check, check, check, and...check. NOW THEN!

Zelda: What ARE you doing?

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: Staying organized. Duh. SO! Now I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to go into the murder closet.

Link: Um, why?

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: I murdered you. Ergo, you must go into the murder closet.

Rauru: That doesn't necessarily follow.

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: Yes it does. Off you go.

Ganondorf: But you didn't murder us.

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: Yes, but I EFFECTIVELY murdered you. I COULD have murdered you.

Zelda: So why didn't you?

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: (frustrated) Look, you're murdered. Dead people don't talk back. Get in the closet.

Link: I'd like to negotiate.

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: You can't. Get going.

Link: But what YOU fail to realize is...RUN!

(everyone runs)

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: D'OH!

Zelda: (running) IN THERE!

Rauru: WHY?

Zelda: YOU PREFER THE MURDER CLOSET?

Rauru: DEPENDS!

Link: ON WHAT?

Rauru: NO, I PREFER DEPENDS! THEY'RE SO ABSORBANT!

All: shudders

Zelda: GO! (shoulders down the door, yanks everyone inside)

DED: Oh! Cameron Diaz! How nice of you to join us!

Zelda: Huh?

MD: Did you bring the spigots as we planned?

Link: Is it me or is there a decided lack of air in this room?

DED: Come now, surely you remember? Marseilles, '46, the cocktail, the rendezvous?

Zelda: Your brains are dying. You need oxygen.

MD: The drop has been made. You've been warned.

Ganondorf: So they were suffocating in the bathroom? Why didn't you just open a window? (opens the window)

DED: Hey! Don't! You've got to wear a sweater 'cuz there's...bacon outside...

Ganondorf: You're high on oxygen deprivation. Just breathe deeply.

MD: Fine for you, but what about the Baco-Bits people? They can't be happy...

Rauru: Anyway, we're fleeing the murderer. Ganondorf here killed his insecurities and joined up, and we're looking for the murder closet to rescue everyone.

DED: (shaking his head) I'm better now.

MD: I think I'm okay, but did Rauru just say that Ganondorf just killed his insecurities?

Rauru: No. Of course not.

DED: Okay then.

Link: We need a plan of action.

Ganondorf: Well, I know that Saria, Ruto, Impa, Nabooru, Malon, and Skull Kid are in the murder closet. That leaves Mido and Darunia unaccounted for.

Rauru: My good and my evil sides died of obesity-related complications, and while I was distracted the murderer swiped Darunia. He might be in the closet too.

Zelda: But what about Mido?

Link: Yeah, what ABOUT Mido?

Rauru: The way I see it, the less we think about Mido, the better.

Ganondorf: Come on! The closet is this way!

DED: TO THE CLOSET! (strides confidently into the door) OW!

MD: Do you need a push?

DED: Shut up! TO THE DOORKNOB! (touches doorknob) TO THE ROTATION OF THE DOORKNOB, THEREBY TURNING THE TUMBLERS, THEREBY RELEASING THE CATCH, THEREBY ALLOWING THE DOOR TO BE SWUNG OPEN FREELY! (turns knob)

All: …

DED: TO THE SWINGING OPEN OF THE DOOR! (opens door). TO THE CLOSET! (strides confidently off)

All: …

Ganondorf: The closet is that way.

DED: Oh. So it is. TO THAT WAY! (strides confidently off)

Ganondorf: Maybe I died of a potted plant overdose. That must be it.

Link: (marching off, studying the carpet fiber with magnifying glass) Onward!

MEANWHILE:

Saria: How long has it been now?

Malon: Fifteen minutes.

Impa: Do you think he's dead or just lost and starving?

Saria: All the good money is on dead.

(pounding is heard on the door)

SK (musically): WHO IIIIIIIIIIIIIS IT?

Ganondorf: I HAVE RETURNED!

Nabooru: Joy and jelly beans.

Ganondorf: With friends!

Impa: Happiness and ham hocks.

Link: Like ME!

Saria: Goodness and grapes.

Rauru: DID SOMEONE JUST MENTION JELLY BEANS, HAM HOCKS, AND GRAPES?

All: NO!

Rauru: You lie!

Ganondorf: Rr! The door's locked!

SK: IT IS? NO! MAYBE THAT'S WHY WE COULDN'T OPEN IT!

DED: Was that sarcasm? It's hard to tell with you.

SK: YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE MYSELF.

MD: Anyway, does anyone have any ideas?

Link: (thinks really hard) I know! Fire!

Zelda: Link…

Link: Or…(thinks really really hard) FIRE!

Zelda: NO FIRE!

Link: Sulfuric acid?

Zelda: Well...

DED: NO!

Ganondorf: We must think of some way…

SUDDENLY! THE "NIGHT ON BALD MOUNTAIN" STARTS PLAYING!

Soundtrack: BUMMMMMMM BUMMMMMMMM, BUM BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMMM, BUM BUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

MD: Who the hell is playing that symphony?

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: Sorry.

MD: Oh. All is forgiven.

Ganondorf: Wait.

(pause)

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE MCF!

Link: Can't touch this! Doo doo doo doo doot...DOOOOOOOO DOOOT! Can't touch this!

All: SHUT UP!

Link: Okay!

Ganondorf: THIS ENDS HERE, EVIL MYSTERIOUS CLOAKED FIGURE!

MCF: My name is most certainly NOT "EVIL" Myst...actually...hmm. "Evil Mysterious Cloaked Figure." It's actually sort of catchy. EMCF. Hm. EEEEEEEEMCF! EEEEE IS FOR EEEEEEEEEVIL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BLOODY BRILLIANT! Nice, nice. Repeat that. Slowly. Aaaaaand...backwards.

Link: Umm, "erugif dekaolc suoiretsym live, ereh sdne..."

Ganondorf: Okay, that is irrelevant. The point is, this ends here!

MCF: What is "this," precisely?

Ganondorf: You...your evil deeds. Your murdering.

MCF: I'm afraid not.

Ganondorf: And why, pray, not?

MCF: Well, for one thing, I just murdered Zelda.

Ganondorf: You most certainly did n...OH SWEET LORD! (Zelda is on the floor with knife in neck in pool of blood)

MCF: See?

Ganondorf: But...but...

MCF: But what? Oh, bye the bye, DED's bit it too.

Ganondorf: How did y...WHAT?

DED: Ow. (has pickaxe embedded in brain, thuds to the floor)

Ganondorf: But how...but you...but how...

Link: Is it just me, or has it gotten a whole lot more fire-axe-embedded-in-chest-cavity around here recently? (looks at chest, with fire axe in it) Oh. It's just me. (falls over dead)

MCF: Now, you were saying something about...what was it?

MD: All of a sudden, everyone's just dropping ERK! (dies)

Ganondorf: That wasn't...that shouldn't even be physically possible!

MCF: Well, you're never too old to broaden your horizons, as pertaining to what is and isn't physically possible.

Voice: Truer words have never been said!

MCF and Ganondorf: What the...

(flash of light)

Mido: (appearing) SANTIAGO! (grabs Ganondorf, disappears with him)

MCF: Hey! That wasn't supposed to be physically...OH! NOW I UNDERSTAND WHAT HE MEANT BY THAT TRUER WORDS BIT! HA! Well met my friend! This contest of wits is over!

SOMEWHERE IN SPACE AND TIME...

Ganondorf: Whoa. What's going on?

Mido: We're flying through time and space.

Ganondorf: How? Why?

Mido: You prefer Seňor Insta-Death back there?

Ganondorf: Well, no, but...uh...

Mido: Well...

Ganondorf: What's going on?

Mido: I used my time machine to save you!

Ganondorf: You used your what what to what who?

Mido: Time machine. Which part is confusing you?

Ganondorf: Since WHEN do YOU have a time machine?

Mido: Since it was fifty years in the future, and I bought a time machine at K-Mart, and used it to go back in time to prevent all my friends from being slaughtered at the Murder Mystery Massacre.

Ganondorf: That didn't happ...oh. I get it.

Mido: Yes, exactly!

Ganondorf: We have to use your time-traveling powers to save everyone!

Mido: Oh, this happens every now and then.

Ganondorf: Wait, what?

Mido: Look, it's simple. My personal timeframe is out of sync with yours, so I'm about three seconds ahead of you.

Ganondorf: What happens?

Mido: Oh, brilliant.

Ganondorf: Wait, I think you're about three seconds ahead of me.

Mido: Yeah, but it won't last long.

Ganondorf: This is severely creepy.

Mido: I think we're back in order.

Ganondorf: I think we're back in order.

Mido: Great. Okay! Here's where we get off!

Ganondorf: What? It doesn't look any differEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNTTTTTT…!

SFX: KZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

Link: Umm, "erugif dekaolc suoiretsym live, ereh sdne..."

Ganondorf: Okay, that is irrelevant. The point is, this ends here!

Ganondorf: Hey! We're back in the past!

Mido: Yes. There's you, saying your stupid line.

MCF: What is "this," precisely?

Ganondorf: Hey, it wasn't stupid.

Mido: I have reviewed it a thousand trillion times by listening to it and traveling back to listen to it again, and I have to conclude, it's stupid.

Ganondorf: You...your evil deeds. Your murdering.

Ganondorf: Oh, la-dee-da.

MCF: I'm afraid not.

Mido: Can't we just stick to business?

Ganondorf: And why, pray, not?

Ganondorf: Well, YOU started it with your unnecessary "stupid line" comment.

Mido: Shut up. If we don't hurry, he'll kill everyone and it'll start all over again.

MCF: Well, for one thing, I just murdered Zelda.

Ganondorf: You most certainly did n...OH SWEET LORD! (Zelda is on the floor with knife in neck in pool of blood)

Ganondorf: Whoa. Did I really scream like such a sissy when I saw that?

Mido: Yes. Now it's too late. Let's try again...

SFX: KZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

Mido: Time machine. Which part is confusing you?

Ganondorf: Since WHEN do YOU have a time machine?

Mido: Since it was fifty years in the future, and I bought a time machine at K-Mart, and used it to go back in time to prevent all my friends from being slaughtered at the Murder Mystery Massacre.

Ganondorf: Hey! We're back here again!

Mido: Of COURSE we are! Geez, did you get dropped on your head as a baby or something?

Ganondorf: Well, actuAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

SFX: KZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

Link: Umm, "erugif dekaolc suoiretsym live, ereh sdne..."

Ganondorf: Okay, that is irrelevant. The point is, this ends here!

Ganondorf: Hey! We're back in the past!

Ganondorf: Wait, this time there's a second set of us.

Mido: Yes. There's you, saying your stupid line.

Mido: OH, you IDIOT! OF COURSE THERE IS! THAT'S US FROM LAST TIME!

MCF: What is "this," precisely?

Ganondorf: Okay, what do we do?

Mido: Let's try this. EAT PARADIGM SHIFT!

(suddenly, everyone is standing on the ceiling and the furniture is still stuck to the floor)

Ganondorf: What was THAT?

MCF: Hey! Paradigm shifts? No fair!

Mido: That…wasn't as effective as I had planned.

MCF: No matter. I have already killed Zelda.

Mido: Crap!

SFX: KZZZZZZZZT!

Many many more attempts later...

Ganondorf: Okay, that is irrelevant. The point is, this ends here!

Ganondorf: Hey! We're back in the past!

Ganondorf: Wait, this time there's a second set of us.

Ganondorf: This is getting weird.

Ganondorf: What do we do now?

Ganondorf: Geez, there's like six of me now.

Ganondorf: This time, we'll stop them.

Ganondorf: I can't believe our plan failed!

Ganondorf: This time for sure!

Ganondorf: I'm getting awful tired of this.

Mido: I know. But we've got to keep trying.

MCF: What is "this," precisely?

Mido: Shoot! This is right before where he kills...hey! Wait! Look! On top of MCF's head!

MCF: Oh, like I'm going to fall for that.

Mido: Seriously! There's a naked singularity on your head!

Ganondorf: A naked what?

MCF: There IS? HOLY CRAP!

(the curvature of time and space becomes infinitely sharp on MCF's head. The universe implodes.)

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

FWOOMP!

DED: (wearing a formal tuxedo, with black top hat, holding rose) Good ehheevning. Let me be the first to welcome you all to this dinner party hosted by the Princess of Hyrule, Zelda, and the Princess of Hyrule's Non- existent Intercourse Buddy, Link.

Zelda: (does palmy supermodel wave)

Link: (wearing Mr. Green from Clue-esque green tuxedo) (smiles and waves like a 5-year-old at his birthday party)

DED: However, I'm afraid that the true purpose of tonight's get-together was not, exclusively, to gorge on shrimp cocktails.

Rauru: (in his nice, non-mustard-stained robes, with lovely velvet gorging bib on, speaking around great bulging mouthful of shrimp) ITH NOWT? CWRAP!

DED: Yes. In reality, tonight...(tries to gesture with rose, pokes finger) OW! STUPID ROSE! WHAT'S THE POINT OF IT ANYWAY?

MD (wearing top half of prom dress on top, and skorts on the bottom): You look like that dude from "Sailor Moon," but...that's about it.

DED: Anyhoo. Tonight, we have 14 guests at Hyrule Castle. One of them has murdered...The Running Man. (holds up a crime scene photo of chalk outline of person with bunny ears, bloodstains)

Link: Wait. Why do I care about the Running Man?

Zelda: Why does anyone?

DED: Umm, you don't. But that's all the more reason to...umm...God damn you.

MD: Let me take it from here. Anyway, someone has COMMITTED MURDER, and that's all that we need to know.

Malon: (in formal overalls) Never mind that the victim is an obnoxious prick who always beats you in races eventually and is crazy as a loon besides...

MD: Knock it off will ya?

Darunia: (body encrusted with precious gems) She has a point, you know.

Ganondorf: (in tux) I mean, we...HOLY LIVING MOTHER OF CRAP!

Everyone: WHAT?

Impa: Ha ha ha, you answer to the name "Holy Living Mother of Crap!"

Ganondorf: I've been on a magical time-traveling journey!

Mido: Indeed, Ganondorf my good man! We made it! I'm pretty sure that we should have died, but we didn't!

DED: Uh...huh. Drugs were involved, right?

Ganondorf: Um, actually, yes. But it was all real! And you were there...and you were there...and you...

Saria: Um, does your story have a point?

Ganondorf: Yes! Of course it does! Everyone gets captured and put into a closet, and then just when we were about to rescue you...

Mido: The mysterious murder starts murdering people! So I come in on this time machine and WHAM! Rescue Ganondorf, and then we go back in time to stop the murders, but it doesn't work the first twelve or so tries, and then there was this naked singularity on the guy's head and the universe imploded...

Link: Wait, a naked singularity?

Mido: Yeah! I mean, naked singularities, according to the theory of relativity, are impossible since they will always be masked by an event horizon! But there was a naked singularity right before us, plain as d...

Link: Was she hot?

Mido: You, I'm ignoring.

Ganondorf: So the naked singularity imploded the universe and everything started again!

Mido: Indeed.

Zelda: Um, right. If you're really from the future and you know how everything turns out, then who's the murderer?

Mido: Oh, I am. I killed the Running Man.

All: WHAT?

Mido: He was the next Hitler. Believe me, it was for the good of mankind.

DED: Oh. Okay then.

Darunia: Never really cared for him in the first place.

Malon: So where did Mido go when he went to the weapons crawlspace?

Mido: That's where I hid the time machine!

Rauru: Brilliant, Holmes!

Mido: Well, my work here is done. Time to go back to the future!

SFX: KZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

All: BUH BYE FUTURE MIDO!

Ruto: He's much less of a dickwad in the future.

MD: Well, it's all been wrapped up in a neat little package.

Ganondorf: Now that that's over, let's never have a murder mystery party again.

Nabooru: Amen!

DED: One thing, though. If the Mido that was at this party was Mido from the future, then where's Mido from the present?

Malon: I guess we'll never know!

All: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha jovial laughter!

DED: We could, like, look for him.

Malon: No we can't!

All: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Mido's house:

Mido: Ahh. Sure is nice to be home from my vacation. Whoa! My mailbox is stuffed! Let's see here...Oh, what's this? "Dear Mido: You are, unfortunately, invited to attend the Zelda Murder Mystery Party this Saturday. Please wear formal attire and try not to be such a dickweed. Sincerely, DeadeyeDave." Shoot, I was gone then. Oh well, it probably sucked anyway.

AND THAT'S THE END OF OUR SHOW! (the Murder Mystery segment, anyway)


End file.
